Wonkette
We were going to do another Children’s Treasury to “honor 9/11,” to remember the most cosmically mind-fucking outbursts that various still-to-this-day-employed pundits said about death & war between 2001 and 2003, but why not just give the full stage to The Mustache of Truth and his famous “Suck. On. This.” Manifesto from May 30, 2003? You know, the most evil thing anyone has ever said about anything!
Remember this the next time you consider taking a Tom Friedman column about anything, anything at all, seriously. “Oh, he’s written what appears to be a rational and solid argument for promoting renewable energy policies in this morning’s column?” you might think, at some point in the future. But it is vital that your next thought in these situations always be, “Fuck him I hate him,” because of this clip. This is the deck of cards with which he will forever play.
[YouTube]
Remember this the next time you consider taking a Tom Friedman column about anything, anything at all, seriously.
If you ever consider this, think of the Moustache as just a more pretentious Bill Kristol (also still employed as a writer, for no apparent reason).
~
That was the stupidest thing I have ever heard in my life. Really.
He swallows an awful lot during his little presentation. One can sense him thinking “Charlie Rose is one loquacious fuck, when’s he going to rescue me from myself?”
My personal memorial to 9/11 will be draw a picture of Little Tommy in magic marker on one thin square of toilet tissue and light a candle as it swirls down my crapper.
Nevah forget!
Boooooooo Tom Friedman BOOOOOOOOOO.
Quick somebody stick Friedman with a pin and burst him.
HAPPY 9/11, EVERYONE!
“Worth doing” in what respect, Charlie?
And he’s STILL on the teevee, along with Krauthhammer and William the Bloody,and they are treated as very, very serious and intellectual. FAIL.
Truer words never been spoken, Tom. Tom’s been sucking on that for a long time.
Johnny Zhivago: Pop the “Friedman bubble”? That’s OK
Well, that was about 1/10000th of an FU I’ll never get back.
Yeah, we sure showed them — we paralyzed a mighty army and bankrupted a nation.
“Take a big stick and burst that bubble, right in the heart of that world!”
And … um … the fact that we took our big stick to the *WRONG FUCKING COUNTRY* doesn’t bother you?
Oh. I guess not, as you follow that with the Dog’s Balls Principle: “We could’ve hit Saudi Arabia; We could have hit Pakistan; They’re part of the bubble too. But we took out Iraq … because we *could*!”
And man, I *wish* we’d hit Saudi Arabia. 16 out of 19 terrorists were Saudi.
BTW, since I’m on the Memories, Memories tip today, does anybody else remember a pic of Bush kissing King Abdullah’s hand? I do. And yet the Alzheimer’s Party about shit themselves when Obama *nodded* to the same king.
Clearly the man was hopped up on Paradoxycontin.
“Eet’s ze mustache! Eet makes me say ze stupid thingz!”
YOU LIE!
“We hit Iraq because we” then what did he say?
He must have studied those Toby Keith lyrics pretty hard to come up with that killer argument.
Thank you Wonkette. I mean it.
In my liberal media fantasy world, CNN is showing this all day in place of the “ACORN hookers tax cheat scandal scandalscandal birfcertificate” story.
The Spanish and English sure were glad we burst that bubble in Iraq.
Cocaine is a HELL of a drug…
I always wondered why y’all hated the Fried Man so much. And now I know.
shortsshortsshorts: And a merry jihadmas to you, too!
I enjoy watching this while thinking about the gigantic fortune his wife is about to lose when the economic policies of Shrub bankrupt General Growth. It’s just too perfect. Anytime this asshat opens his stache-n-sphincter about anything I am immediately smarter and better informed for ignoring him. The environmental crusader who has a 15,000 sq foot mansion, flies in private planes to get his ugly yellow toenails buffed at a spa in Dubai, and whose wife was a gazillionaire shopping mall heiress. So perfect!! To erase his carbon footprint he’d have to shit out the equivalent of one full Forest of Endor every hour for the rest of his miserable life.
Oh shit…I think my brain just melted from watching that. I will be sending Wonkette my medical bills now.
“And if you’re not down with taking advantage of renewable energy sources to combat the problems of climate change and an overpopulated globe, Tom Friedman’s got TWO WORDS FOR YA!”
iolanthe: Actually it was Prince Bandar. Here’s the pic I think you mean:
http://www.realclearworld.com/blog/holding_hands_with_evil.jpeg
One more reason to question why anyone is paying for the New York Times.
I have gone past hatred of right-wing pundits into a kind of zen consciousness of the whole mess. If Ann Coulter calls Ted Kennedy a Racist on World Net Daily, and I don’t read it, will it still make my head explode? If I meet Tom Friedman on the road, should I kill him?
There is no Limbaugh, only Zule.
You know, that kind of thing.
Noonan: “could.” We did because we could! That’s a sentence that always wins the moral high ground!
I like how he implies that we also could have invaded Saudi Arabia or Pakistan. That would have gone INFINITELY LESS WELL, so let’s be thankful that Dick Cheney was calling the shots and not, say, Tom Friedman.
Wait, what?
Every time I’m mad at my wife, I end up kicking my dog. Why is Tom’s logic any worse than mine?
American boys and girls going door to door from Basra to Baghdad deflating the Iraqi Terrorism bubble with their allegorical peni one unwilling orifice at a time…hmmm…how did that ever fail so miserably? It’s a wonderful plan, just oozing with attainable goals, a veritable spurting fountain of US strategic planning.
Maybe we should have raped their children, or their farm animals (allegorically of course) just to make sure they realized resistance was futile and they were now part of the Empire of the Weeping Eagle? To late now, of course, but after viewing this, I realize Iraq is just a nation of ungrateful cock-suckers.
Oh well, there are plenty of other small countries that we can make “Suck on this”, who’s next? Canada?
Godot: The Friedman is Flat.
Godot: Hot, Flat, and Friedman
Hasn’t the world just about flattened the Tom Friedman bubble?
“When I was in Swaziland, a wealthy entrepreneur said to me, ‘Tom, we love your country but your country often does stupid things. Why is it that such a country that can give the world Snuggies can also collectively be a country full of dumb-shits’ This gave me an idea for a theory I call ‘America is Full of Dumbshits,” a theory of which will be the title of my next book, soon to be found at a bookstore near you….”
Just give it another six months and maybe then I’ll stop thinking thinking Friedman’s and asshole.
How many Iraqis does it take to suck the mustache dry?
nbawriter: Ken, give this one the award thingie! It’s damn near Style Invitational quality.
I got a feelin’ his stick ain’t so big.
Don’t bubbles usually burst on their own?
Tom needs to let the reality drive his metaphors, and not the other way around. It makes him come across as more stoned than a Santa Cruz hippie. Personally, I’ve never been able to suck on a stick while it’s being used to beat me at the same ti-…Oh dear. I’m oversharing again.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha. If you look at the entire Wonkette homepage, it looks like Friedman’s looking down at the little moose-antler-bedecked pic of Levi Johnston below him and wants to pull his antlers off. It’s funny because it’s true.
Jesus fucking Christ.
I couldn’t make it past Rose’s first six words without choking: “Now that the war is over…”
Merry GOP Christmas everybody. Never forget the reason for the season!
“Before, I thought the war I supported so much was about ‘Suck on this!!’ Now that it’s over I think I understand what it was about: ‘Suck. On. This.’”
PLEASE Tommy, suck on this, you gave me blueballs just watching that trite-ass clip.
Noonan: “like seeing children’s body parts fly in the air. Weeeeeeeeee!”
PS It’s been scientifically proven that a significant percentage of people buying “Hot, Flat and Crowded” do so because they think it’s a book about Paris Hilton.
Thomas Friedman is unintentionally responsible for the following pieces of writing and for that he should be considered the most valuable writer alive today, comedy division.
http://www.nypress.com/article-11419-flathead.html
http://www.nypress.com/article-19271-flat-n-all-that.html
Jaw dropped. Just dropped.
Blech. At least when David Brooks is regurgitating this slop, he has the sense to equivocate enough to preserve the option of saying the opposite the next week.
This is what drove me crazy: the closer those fucks were to the source of those bad decisions, the worse their vision got.
I think we should also thank Matt Taibbi for reminding us frequently that Friedman is not only wrong about everything, he’s also an abysmal writer. Whenever I hear/see Friedman’s name, all I can think is Taibbi’s takedown of Hot, Flat and Crowded:
This would be a small thing were it not for the overall pattern. Thomas Friedman does not get these things right even by accident. It’s not that he occasionally screws up and fails to make his metaphors and images agree. It’s that he always screws it up. He has an anti-ear, and it’s absolutely infallible; he is a Joyce or a Flaubert in reverse, incapable of rendering even the smallest details without genius. The difference between Friedman and an ordinary bad writer is that an ordinary bad writer will, say, call some businessman a shark and have him say some tired, uninspired piece of dialogue: Friedman will have him spout it. And that’s guaranteed, every single time. He never misses.
Uncertainty Vice-Principal: “On an ideological level, Friedman’s new book is the worst, most boring kind of middlebrow horseshit. If its literary peculiarities could somehow be removed from the equation, The World Is Flat would appear as no more than an unusually long pamphlet replete with the kind of plug-filled, free-trader leg-humping that passes for thought in this country.”
Oh my, thats good.
From the Archives, ca. 2006
The Times brightest OpEd-ing star
Is Tommy von Friedman by far.
His Moustache of Wisdom
Glistens with jism
From George W.’s two-inch “cigar.”
Prommie: I tried to read the Flat book years ago and surrendered after several attempts to tolerate the ridiculously bad writing.
Taibbi is pretty much the opposite, I could read him all day long.
Prommie:
By the way, if you liked that passage, have you read this?
http://taibbi.rssoundingboard.com/health-care-reform-sick-and-wrong
It’s equally pithy and hilarious but in this case add utterly depressing. Read it and weep.
Uncertainty Vice-Principal:
Er, I meant this link:
http://www.rollingstone.com/politics/story/29988909/sick_and_wrong
dillplatz: That was beautiful.
Uncertainty Vice-Principal: It is established part of the Anglo-American Cataloguing Rules that any Thomas Friedman document must be referenced by those two articles.
notwavingbutdrowning:
Oh and this one too:
http://trueslant.com/matttaibbi/2009/04/23/tom-friedman-strikes-again/
It may be (and I’d be inclined to believe it, if evidence were to surface) that Friedman is actually a member of an alien civilization that recognizes not two genders but nine and has fifteen different ways to be naked. But I don’t think “buck naked — in more ways than one” is something we understand here on earth.
Buzz Feedback: Only when Jebus wills it, heretic. Have you seen my stake, torch and brushpile anywhere?
Uncertainty Vice-Principal: This is better than the best Joe Queenan. I love vicious reviews, of anything.
Jesus wept.
Uncertainty Vice-Principal: Or my favorite, the tersest of analyses:
“First of all, how can any single person be in three holes at once? Secondly, what the fuck is he talking about?”
JooJoo Bee: totally seconded.nbawriter: “Clearly the man was hopped up on Paradoxycontin.”
I couldn’t get passed 30 seconds: Terrorism Bubbles - wasn’t that a stripper?
My eyes and brain glazed over — “But that’s okay.”
Today, we are all ’stache-wearing, incompetent writers, with a passion for stupid sentence construction. Guilty, guilty, guilty.
Lascauxcaveman: you’re just teaching that bitch to respect you.
“Suck on this.”
“Take a big stick and burst that bubble.”
“We hit Iraq because we could.”
Is it just me or does The Great Pornstachio’s approach to foreign affairs sound a rather rapey?
dillplatz: shit out the equivalent of one full Forest of Endor every hour for the rest of his miserable life
Win.
dillplatz: Perfect.
Wonkers, you’re forgetting the best one, which is this from the truthers:
http://coreofcorruption.com/index.php/?page_id=24
According to Friedman’s Wickipedia page, “He has two daughters: Orly Friedman (b. 1985)”…
’nuff said.
notwavingbutdrowning: You’re cherry-picking Friedman’s rare intelligible utterances and using them to discredit his more important, less coherent ideas! Please add “golden straightjacket” and “fitting a hose in a fire-hydrant” to your list, nonetheless.
When not giving free mustace rides to lonely gentlemen in central park or being a motorcycle enthuseist. Tom is busy stuffing hungry children into meatgrinders for sale as “grade a” Angus Beef for McWopper(tm).
Anonymous Office Zombie: Win.
And yet all these Americans who went to pieces and called for jihad on all Muslims can’t possibly fathom why anyone could be motivated to engage in terrorism.
“That’s what this war was about. It was about sucking whenever, wherever, and, Charlie, indeed ‘whatever’ we could.”
“and … uhm … americans … care about … hummers … suck on this … Charlie.”
What a potty mouth!
Ever notice the echo when Friedman talks? It’s the sound of his voice bouncing off the walls of his rectum.
Noonan: “….because we blow dead dogs, if by we, we mean me,” is what I heard. My speakers are not best quality though, as they were made in Uzbekistan….
Tom Friedman, he of the faux Armani black on black….what’s with the clothes? Always the black tee shirt (pima, pulled and scented by third-world adolescents) with the black custom jacket. Is he so busy he must be ready to dress in the dark at a moment’s notice? Stop, Mr. Friedman. You are adding additional chains to our free society. Embrace the now (instead of disguising the “then” as “now”) in your (too often to mention) teevee appearances. Nice monk cut, BTW.
This is just Friedman applying Hama Rules to American foreign policy. Do what you know. When you need to set an example in the Middle East, why not follow Assad?
Of course, on first reading, it wasn’t so clear he approved of Assad’s example-setting collective punishment.
I didn’t know who this dick was nor anything about him until he was identified as the NYT guy who was defending the war. My first impression was that he was an idiot. I took Ken’d advice to heart even before I heard Ken’s advice or, for that matter, knew there was a friendly community of potty-mouthed losers who thought just like I do. On this day, wonkette is the sanest place to be. HOw’s that for scary? Oh, heavens, is that self-important douche an idiot.
He says things with as much authority as that bitch who ruined the McLaughlin group, Monica Blondie. Yes, I watched John until full of shit Blondie ruined it for even me. Only people who are stupid speak with this kind of authority.
dillplatz: “To erase his carbon footprint he’d have to shit out the equivalent of one full Forest of Endor every hour for the rest of his miserable life.”
Ummm… W. I. N. I’d never heard anyone, until today, form a cogent sentence with “Forest of Endor” inside of it. You sir, are brilliant.
**infinite golf clap, forver, also**
I never thought it possible to suck so hard that you blow, but Tommy does it consistently, and with sustained gusto.
This is the man who gave us “if you’re in a hole, stop digging. If you’re in three holes, bring shovels.” POOF. You’ve just be Friedmaned. I suggest aspirin and vodka. Incidentally, I hesitate to imagine what three holes Thomas Friedman pictures himself in.
I didnt realize until I watched this that Friedman could go over 3 minutes without saying “bangalore”.
What a smug douchenozzle. “because they’re weak” and “we needed to go over there”-totally priceless. So, let me get this right, or maybe i’m not cuz i don’t write shit for the NY times, but an “open society” equals hummers and stock options?It’s funny, i wish he’d ask him how weak the North Vietnamese were, or really, why DIDN’T we go house to house in Saudi Arabia?
He looks like every white, fat-fuck do-nothing that lives in America, complaining that everything isn’t big enough.
Suck.It.Tom.
PS. The world is NOT flat.