Wonkette
(Every year on this rotten day, we repeat this beloved 9/11 feature, sort of like how A Charlie Brown Christmas plays on the teevee every December.) On this solemn day seven eight (whoops!) years ago, nearly 3,000 people were horribly killed so that Rudy Giuliani could earn a hundred million dollars and run for president of 9/11 and the most corrupt administration in American History could wage endless war around the world and many working-class people could affix “United We Stand” bumper stickers to their SUVs, so they could drive around with pride while eating hamburgers off their laps and listening to talk radio wingnuts. Also, “September the Eleventh” has inspired the most insipid, maudlin kitsch in the history of an already very kitschy nation. Let’s look back in horror.
If you thought passenger jets could be terrifying weapons, you’ll truly be terrified by the giant winged baby monster from Hell.
How did such a truly awful, gut-wrenching event inspire such stupid crap? It’s just part of our modern, idiotic culture — the same mouth-breathing instinct that compels people to pile a bunch of wet stinking stuffed animals at the site of a fatal car crash, or order a hundred Thug Life “memorial T-shirts” to remember some shithead gangsta teen who got himself shot, or make a GeoCities memorial site for Princess Diana (with animated GIFs and MIDI music of “Candle In The Wind”).
Or, if you’re an entrepreneur, maybe you just manufacture some lighters in China with bas-relief images of the burning WTC towers and Osama bin Laden’s face, and when you open it, the thing will play “Für Elise” and little LEDs will blink in the “fire.”
But nothing says “We sort of had it coming” like the endless variations of the Crying Eagle.
This next one is truly emblematic of the whole pathetic trend: The fucking flag is not only somehow tattooed on the eagle’s feathers, but it’s also backwards. Show some respect, crying eagle.
While cynics will say 9/11 has been used primarily to justify a trillion-dollar occupation and destruction of a country that had absolutely nothing to do with 9/11, optimists will point out that 9/11 could also get you a “free” 99-cent sack of grease fries down at the Burger King, in Hilltop Plaza:
And if the endless pictures of the Smoke Devil attached to absurd quotes from the Book of Revelations weren’t enough, somebody decided to bring attention to yet another mysterious animal shape in the smoke:
Uhhhh ….. Is it a chicken drumstick? Maybe the head of that little dude in “Gremlins”? Maybe a mooninite?
Optimists saw Jesus as the Great Destroyer.
Let’s move on:
Okay, WTF? Is this what 9/11 is like in Second Life?
Burning? Is that really the word you want to use here?
America is back, babies! Or it was back, until a colored became president.
NEVAR FORGET!!111 Jesus on black velvet Ken, you DO read our posts!
Never forget America . . . just how stupid we really are.
I’m sure all those non-Xtians who died in the two towers appreciated Jeebus’ hand in all this.
That goddamn smoke devil seems to appear whenever something catches on fire. Jesus wept, is one of my personal favorites, instead of preventing the planes hitting the twin towers, Jesus fucking wept……what a pussy.
Never forget . . . that Bush looked at the intelligence briefing titled ‘Bin Ladin determined to strike in U.S.’ and then told the briefer, “OK, you’ve covered your ass now.”
Really? Free Medium Freedom Fries for our Fallen heroes? What the Fuck?
9/11 caused scrapbooking.
“On this solemn day seven years ago…”
Apparently, you forgot this is 2009. Never forget, indeed! My velvet eagle weeps for you and your grasp of mathematics.
Can I get some crying eagle mud flaps? Preferably in a color scheme that matches my Trucknutz.
Lady Liberty from the Second Life poster needz moar boobiez.
Scary - that shape in the smoke is MY DOG, Izzy. I’d recognize that little head and those big ears anywherez…
That’s the most retarded thing I’ve ever seen. Eagles can’t cry. Without hands they can’t hold a hanky and blow their nose.
scotack: along with lung-cancer and other various atrocities.
everytime a wingnutter makes one of these things, god kills a kitten
queeraselvis v 2.0: and blue fur.
What is truly strange about the repository of these images (http://www.texasdude.com/cry.htm) is that it is dedicated to the memory of Matthew Shephard, the guy who was beaten to death by a couple of homophobic yet bi-curious rednecks.
Monsieur Grumpe:
Memo to self:
Search for black velvet Trucknutz for Christmas gifts and/or tree ornaments.
Show some respect, crying eagle.
I can feel the martyrs of 9/11 already lining up to haunt me for laughing out loud at this gruesome display of American Awesomeness.
I just wish people would stop connecting the current wars as being germane to 9/11. I just had to listen to that at a ceremony commemorating 9/11.
It’s Mickey Mouse in the smoke! OMG, corporate interests were behind it after all!
Ben Franklin wanted a turkey to be our national bird. When you think about a turkey weeping, the eagle seems sort of reasonable.
Oh, wait, maybe it’s Horton the Elephant listening to Whos.
JadedDIssonance: There are few things that can bring a tear to Jesus’ eye(s).
widget09: Right. Why does someone who has just had their home destroyed thank the lord for sparing them. They should be mad as hell for what he did to them.
Wow.
~
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZcoI4jL3Hbg&eurl=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.facebook.com%2Fhome.php&feature=player_embedded#t=12
MOST MOVING PATRIOTIC 9/11 MUSLIN HATING VIDEO EVAR!!11!!1!WON!!1!
I’m trying to photoshop the 9/11 WTC scene with the velvet dogs playing poker. But can’t figure out where to put they animated Michele Bachmann, lying mourfully tearing her clothes and hair.
Suggestions?
In America, all the doughnuts have names that sound like prostitutes.
Hawaiiexpat: in a burqa?
Monsieur Grumpe: Great new marketing idea there, implant various fuzzes, hair etc. and call them Fuzznuts! Or you could put a “syringe” injected into them and call them Numbnuts! Tattoo logos from brewers and call them BeerNuts! (oh wait, they already use that one…)
Freedom Fries Aren’t Free!
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
9/11.
9/11 who?
I thought you said you’d Never Forget.
LEARN THE TRUTH SHEEPLE!
PORT AUTHORITY OF NEW YORK AND NEW JERSEY DID WTC
I can only imagine the fun “Dear Editor” letters you might get today…
I never realized that eagles were such pussies.
jodyleek:
Maybe Wonkette is going to make a tradition of posting the 2008 entry verbatim year after year without any changes.
I lost three people in the towers, I am now watching the Reading of the Names, and I agree with everything Ken wrote here, along with most of the commenters.
Today brings home just how much I despise the Republitards for f***ing this country up, starting from this day.
We now return you to your regularly scheduled snark.
That eagle with the flag painted on the side of its head is so cold war-ish. Any chance of getting an animated gif of it turning its head to reveal the flag of the U.S.S.R. on the other side?
We are a nation of 9/11 snowglobes.
Also, they had to reverse the flag on that eagle or else it’d be in ‘blueface’.
Crab1: Oh God. It hurts. I didn’t think it was possible to make this song any worse. I was so, SO wrong.
Hawaiiexpat: Duh. Bachmann is the googly-eyed, slutty cocktail waitress serving up stale beer and three-day-old moldy Snausages.
Can’t we have a children’s treasury of 9/11-related facebook status updates?
Lady Liberty is hot, particularly with those sexy claw marks left by that rabid muslin furry.
Man photoshop has come a long way since 2001.
WadISay: On the other hand, the turkey probably has more cause, what with the ritual killing every year and all. And I have to say the symbolism of killing and eating Our National Bird every November would just be awesome. Like communion, only more apropos.
memzilla: I’m sorry for your loss Memzilla. How do the Republitards get away with saying they “kept the country safe?” We’re still dealing with the clusterfuck that was the Bush administration.
I was depressed this morning, but this cheered me up considerably by reminding me of my smug superiority over the Jesus goblins. Kudos.
Chad San Marino: I feel bad for the other 118,022 people who had to witness that, you included.
Hawaiiexpat:
I’d have the dogs playing poker in front of Michelle in a sponge-painted mural lying prostrate at the foot of the burning towers. The devil smoke then morphs into the form of Bin Laden looming over them with maddened muslin eyes. But that’s just my personal taste.
Deacon Frank Orris: You mean like this? Such as. Also.
@KenLayne: MAD PROPS for the alt-texts.
My avatar would hit that. She must like it rough, ’cause it looks like she has a bloody nose and claw marks on her breasts. I’ll show you a huddled mass yearning to breathe free.
http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_zN_08Xp3XUo/SMnTcjY60QI/AAAAAAAAAAc/ZWrhwObyTlU/s400/Furry+911.jpg
You missed the classic Pregnant Furry tribute.
At least now everyone remembers my bitrthday. I am crying while opening my gifts. THANKS A LOT BIN LOAFIN’!!!111
http://thecorner.typepad.com/photos/uncategorized/2007/05/04/396.jpg
Also, JESUS as CAPTAIN AMERICA in… 9/11: THE MOVIE.
memzilla:
Every time I hear the title of that report, “bin Laden Determined to Attack Inside the US”, I get angry all over again.
What? No “These colors don’t run”?
That does it, cancel my subscription.
Anita Cocktail: “What? No “These
colorscoloreds don’t run”?”/fixed
norbizness: Not only are eagles pussies, they generally eat carrion. Must have nice morning breath, no?
SNARK! SNARK!! SNARK!!!
mattbolt: You’re going to hell.
freakishlystrong: I know right, our fallen heroes deserve at LEAST a large fries.
That second “crying eagle” looks like more of an “giant anime sweat drop eagle”. I’m not sure what he’s embarrassed or nervous about, perhaps it’s because of someone he ran into at the TGI Friday’s he appears to be at.
mattbolt: That is some evil genius. I laughed, I cried, I’m forwarding it to a select few of my very twisted friends.
the smoky thing makes me think of:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=84K6Zvvem
Can some artistically minded Wonkette wunderkind please whip us up a picture of the Twin Towers with a picture of Sarah Palin’s faced super-imposed over the image of “Our Lady of Guadalupe”?
I really need to add more disgusting visuals to this sweet anger fire I get to burnin’ every year around this time.
Thank you also to Mr. Ken Layne for reminding me how we pious and noble Americans can turn just about any tragedy into some tchotke that fits conveniently next to a miniature spoon collection and an inscribed beer stein.
Good taste never goes out of fashion: http://www.reason.com/UserFiles/Image/ngillespie/ziggy911.jpg
http://www.nycwebstore.com/images/products/xmas/mia-wtc_lg.jpg
Has this Texas Dude ever heard of MIDI note quantization? That sounded like Navin Johnson doing the Hambone while Battle Hymn is squeaked on three kazoos.
Yes, the tasteless orgy of grieving year after year (and it’s been 8 years not 7) is long overdue to have come to an end.
Chad San Marino: “Never forget America . . . just how stupid we really are.”
Chad, 100 IQ will get you through life reasonably well, but the lower you goes, the stupider you is. 100 is, by definition, the average IQ. That means that HALF of the country has IQ less than 100. Teh stoopid.
Stupid is as stupid does. Hence Joe Wilson and the people who put him in office.
Like rust, the entrepreneurial spirit never sleeps:
https://www.911twenty.com/flare/next
Junior: the dogs should be waiting turns to do Bachmann, doggie style, the dog currently humping Bachmann should nevertheless continue playing his hand, she’s not THAT good. At least, thats my taste.
The one thing I have vowed never, ever to forget, is Ashcroft singing “Let The Eagle Soar.”
Terry: Never forget the 2008 reposting of this piece!
I want a tee shirt and a commemorative plate of this post. I already have the holiday special DVD autographed by Mr. Layne.
jasper f. krone: Needs more autotune.
I blame all this stuff on Hummels and their Little Angel imitators.
It is now past the time of the day of the twin towers and Pentagon bombings on September 11, 2001 and Barack Obama has kept our nation safe longer than Dick Cheney and George Bush did.
Suck on that, Cheney.
snoidoid: “100 is, by definition, the average IQ. That means that HALF of the country has IQ less than 100.”
That’s not how averages work at all.
The mysterious outline of an animal shape in the smoke is actually an elephant humping the WTC…which is actually pretty damn accurate.
This is why they hate us. Awful art.
Godot: It is if you have an IQ of less than 100, as do half of Americans.
I forgot today was 9-11. NEVAR FORGET!
S.Luggo:
It’s like Christmas!!!
What’s the back look like? Piles of body parts shoved into pot holes but in glistening .999 silver leaf !
Godot: Which means snoidoid is probably in the <100 range.
S.Luggo:
You are the Prince of Tacky Shit!
freakishlystrong: That’s like when people ask me to donate to Muscular Dystrophy. What has Muscular Dystrophy ever done for me?
I think that smoke monster is supposed to be a koala. Not sure what Revelations has to say on that.
widget09: instead of preventing the planes hitting the twin towers, Jesus fucking wept……what a pussy.
No, you got it wrong. He was trying to put the fire out with giant Jesus tears. Alas, more people would have been saved if he pissed instead.
S.Luggo:
Hey hey my my
Crying eagle will never die
My my hey hey
Crying eagle is here to stay
“Keep on rockin’ in the free world! Thank you, Houston, good night!”
S.Luggo: How sick, to capitalize on 911. Do the coins come with complementary solid brass Trucknutz?
You know I thought I was the only one who got pissed off that these monkeys had hijacked 9/11. I have to suffer every slacked jawed yokel gawk at what should be considered holy ground. And now as I am watching the names being read it seems that now it’s ok to wear a tshirt that has some lame cause on it that has nothing to do with 9/11. Please all of you leave NY
nappyduggs: Done.
http://img22.imageshack.us/img22/4946/godblessamurika.jpg
mattbolt:
I just had a mighty,fierce release. For this, I thank you.
You know, as years go by I’ve gotten to where I get only mildly bummed out on 9/11. I save the crying for April 15, the date on which I annually give the socialist death panel my tax money so they can tell my grandmother they think she should probably consider a yard sale since she ain’t gonna need all that stuff where she’s going.
Those eagles have no idea what is going on. Chances are they’re preoccupied worrying over whether their soft egg shells will hatch in their nest on top of the DeutscheBank building after prolonged exposure to melting plastics and chemical smoke.
By the way, why is there no Blingee 9/11 contest this year?
evn so, i still haz a sad.
mattbolt:
That makes my inner eagle sob.
Add some Blingee?
Brendan M.: Time for everyone to go back to math class and relearn the difference between Median and Mean (average): http://mathforum.org/library/drmath/view/58326.html
FREE MEDIUM FRIES! FREE MEDIUM FRIES!
9/11 Commemorative Art: Blingee Optional
(and completely redundant)
Oh, and let’s not forget to have a special fuck you to Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell for their insightful analysis of the cause, too.
While I had Photoshop open, I figured out the outline…
http://img12.imageshack.us/img12/4044/koala911.gif
KOALAS DID 9/11!
Remember to pronounce 911 as nine-one-one. This day marks the start of the one-two-two-five shopping season.
The outline of the smoke is supposed to be winged victory? A headless pagan sculpture?
Maybe the people in the middle of the country can get in the spirit of 9/11/01 by lining up for $6 / gallon gasoline.
mattbolt: OMFG, win!
mattbolt: 2 audible lols from me for your excellent photoshop skills. Well done sir.
McDuff: jeebuscreebus: FREE MEDIAN FRIES! FREE MEDIAN FRIES!
Wait. The president is black?
HoboNutz: Okay, coffee spewed all over the keyboard.
“On this solemn day seven years ago…”
It’s been EIGHT years, you treacherous fucks.
Monsieur Grumpe: Yes, I agree. This beautiful pic begs some sparkly fireworks or maybe even a .45 shooting (TOWARD MECCA!!) .
I wonder what was done with this theme in seed art, at the Minnesota state fair. Anyone visit this year? Surely there must have been one or two towers on display?
Don’t forget today is Patriot Day also. At least according to my google calendar, which is nevar wrong.
MSNBC feels the need to play back the entire Today Show coverage from 9/11. Can’t we just photoshop them off the teevee?
McDuff: Oh my gawd, they got to you! You’re one of them! Didn’t your parents keep you home when Obama was indoctrinating?!?!
What animal shape is that supposed to be? Fudgey the Whale?
S.Luggo: “But on the other side, it’s the first time ever that two separate numbers have been used to add up to the full $20 face value - it uses 9 and 11 to commemorate the 7th anniversary of the World Trade Center tragedy.”
jesus wept….at america’a ability to exploit a horrible tragedy by hawking tacky fucking garbage. gaahh.
and somehow, ken managed to kick off the post at 9:11 AM……..
user-of-owls: Math humor — the smallest sub-speciality of comedy known to humankind.
The shape in the smoke is clearly Fudgie the Whale.
mattbolt: +! for Mattbolt. Let’s napalm some Eucalyptus groves and flush those little fucks out into the open.
bitterz: Nope. People up here have some taste. Although there was a portrait of Farrah Fawcett this year.
bitterz:
I was there. Sadly, or not, the artwork was mostly tasteful. I did see a fat guy sitting down with one of his nuts poking through a hole in shorts.
Brendan M.: Naw, I was edjumaceded in the high school maths back when Ford was tripping down the steps of Air Force One.
beat your meat on the toilet seat
do da, do da
sure looks funny but it sure feels neat
all the do da day
America: Land of the free, home of the pussy eagles.
By the way, I didn’t realize that Russia had donated massive truck-nutz to help us get over our grief. By way of a sculpture in Bayonne, NJ:
http://vigilantcitizen.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/08/Tearsofgriefbayonne.jpg
Thank you comrades!
Why is that one fireman trying to look up the angel’s dress?
Junior: Yeah, I was wondering about that too.
The possibilities of what it could mean are threatening to make my head explode. It might rock my world too much, and I’m too tired today for any world-rocking.
The only analogy I can think of, and I hope it makes sense, is that my father, who was a lib, didn’t see flag-burning as a free speech issue, which drove me nuts. He thought it was just wrong, like spitting on the Constitution or something. Although I don’t think he would have thought that a crying eagle means…well, I don’t really think it’s supposed to mean anything, it’s just evocative, for dummies. I don’t think it would have worked on him. He was only reactionary about flag burning, for some reason.
Why would anyone produce a commemorative memorial Sept. 11, 2001……lighter?
Are people really that ignorant? Yes.
Monsieur Grumpe: springfield_meltdown:
I would have liked to have seen the birth certificate.
Posted at 9:11. Nicely done.
Also, I do wonder, is the sacrificing of an anti-abortionist going to become the new 9/11 commemorative ritual?
Looks like scrawny Lady Liberty’s deviated septum is bleeding again.
Thank you, Google Image Search. My day is now as ruined as the World Trade Center:
Batman Tattoo Art : World Trade Center Tribute WTC 911
Also
http://dir.salon.com/story/news/feature/2002/01/25/kitsch/index.html
Marquis de Villers-St-Paul: lol. Batman looks like he forgot to turn off the gas or something.
I liked the one that ties into the marines raising the flag at Iwo Jima. I never considered the possibility that the FDNY guys ran into the WTC towers to PUT THE FLAG BACK. Except it took four marines versus two firefighters. Marines are pussies.
mattbolt: that is one big bowl of awesome
Ah yes, my all-time favorite Wonkette Children’s Treasury. In fact, I find it so inspiring that I included a red white and blue glitter burning WTC tower AND a crying eagle on the 9/11 page in the beautiful scrapbook I made to commemorate the end of the W years. Thanxxx 4 teh memriez!
Since it’s 911 day on the internet and all, I thought I’d stop by. I knew you’d have a present for me. I needed to cleanse the palette after someone on facebook used the crying eagle without irony.
When do I get to bang the FIT trainer dude? Seriously, I can’t read this site anymore without getting super horny.
Don’t you have any NEW 9-11 kitsch? We’ve seen all this stuff before. How about a gigantic weeping Joe Wilson hovering over the burning WTC? Or Sarah Palin tongue-kissing a weeping american eagle. Now THAT’s art!!!
In honor of this day, is W going to a 9/11 memorial and read from “The Pet Goat?”
haz i been banned from posting comments?
bureaucrap: I’m with you buddy. I think the time has come for some folks to use their mad Photoshop skillz to come up with some 9/11 “Revenge” kitsch.
Whit aboot…..
Sarah Palin, piloting a bald eagle — as it makes a b-line for The Grand Mosque in Mecca
Hawaiiexpat: Michele Bachmann gnashing her tooth and tearing her hair on the table- cards scattered across her wiry frame- the queen of hearts discretely covering her right nipple. The twin towers and crying eagle/jebus form out of the smoke from the dog’s cigars.
Whew. ok, look at Jesus make Santa cry for fucks sake: http://i151.photobucket.com/albums/s129/PeaceNikki72/2064728100_5539fd72ee_b.jpg
biggiantannoyingthing: Oh great, Jesus & Satan, I mean Santa together, how cute.
Does anyone have the best 9/11 bald eagle gif ever?
It’s a bald eagle staring off into the distance with a look of horror on his face and in his eyes you can see the reflection of the twin towers burning? It’s animated, but not cartoony. It needs to be on this page and I cannot find it anywhere.
mattbolt: You are too wonderful. Can I bear any/all of your children?
biggiantannoyingthing: Thanks for the Santa/Jesus pic — that is four shades of awesome.
What’s the message here?
Santa: “Jesus, the terrists spoiled Xmas.”
Big J: “Don’t worry my son, you’ll get over it. The Grim Reaper was pretty pissed that Halloween was a bust…but soon started to perk up”.
I was walking my dog yesterday and noticed, for the first time, that a house around the corner has a flagpole in the yard (none of this pansy-ass flag brackets on the side of the house) that was flying BOTH the American flag AND that face-tattooed eagle, immediately below the actual flag. It was awesome. I wanted to take a picture and send it to Wonkette.
On the topic of kitschy ephemera, am I the only one bothered by the countless variations of yellow ribbon magnets on the trunk/tailgate of people’s vehicles? I was going to get one that said “I support the Chinese prison labor that manufactured this novelty magnet”, but it was too long.
now wait just one minute. my memory tells me that in years past, that first jesus picture posting was a LOT more opinionated.
never forget!
widget09: I’m with you. Jesus could’ve easily given Mohammed Atta and his pals heart attacks when they were snorting coke off stripper’s asses and downing shots at “Cheetah’s” strip club here in Sarasota, FL. It’s just fucked up the way Jesus and all those other gods let evil play out just cause they’re eternally bored.
ok that thing in bayonne looks like one giant pre-cum drop.
biggiantannoyingthing: Ha-Ha! Santa is so fat that Jesus had to dislocate his own shoulder to embrace Santa.
See, this what happens when BO is in office: http://i123.photobucket.com/albums/o285/1ggneous/0622ac3e.jpg no matter how many geese, tragedy is averted! We neede somebody like him 8 yrs ago.
Also, did this monster warn us? http://gothamist.com/attachments/arts_jen/0109cookiemonster.jpg
-G.
Fuck my fucking job and its fucking restrictive internets that has prevented me from seeing this all day. I thought about it at 9:11 (Okay, more like 9:18) and became inconsolably sad because I just knew Ken has posted his annual 9-11 masterpiece and I couldn’t see it because at my job the goddamn internet terrorists have won.
juepucta: Whoa. Those were trippy.
Not trippy man. Just my pal Barry’s magical awesomeness.
-G.
On 9/12, I worried that I’d have to listen to Lee Greenwood for the rest of my life singing about how “he’d stand up next to me…”. Thank God that didn’t come to pass. In the Fall of ‘01, we were all being told that irony was dead, comedy was over and we would never be the same again. That was pretty much over by the spring of ‘02. I was in NYC last weekend and I can tell you, for the natives, emotions still run a little close to the surface (mostly it’s fear and remembering friends who did actually die in the Towers) but they think all this other stuff is BS and they still hate W (it is NYC after all). The amazing thing from the vaunted Bush “administration” is that OBL was able to celebrate the eighth anniversary alive while Saddam, who had nothing to do with this, faced a public hanging. Oliver Stone should have put THAT in his movie.
hum, guys, I don’t really get your message, am not american, but, can’t you see that the very last sentence on this post is what _might_ have triggered that attack (if it _was_ really a terrorist attack and not just a conspiracy that you* made up for yourselves.)
* Bush administration