Wonkette
JOHN McCAIN cut himself (”down the highway” not “across the street”) after NAVY lost to Ohio State, at American collegiate football. Hardly a surprise, considering those dapper Navy midshipmen can’t even beat a bunch of dirty beatnik bookworms at croquet. Can you even begin to imagine how disastrous it would be if MIT challenged Navy to a game of MARIO KART? …
American military base COLOMBIA wants American swamp WASHINGTON D.C. to feel the love. That’s why FARC HILL INTERNS have scattered giant hearts made of Legos all over our glorious capital. Apparently Colombia is unaware that 99.999% of twenty dollar bills in circulation in the DC area are practically deep-fried in cocaine. We already love you Colombia! …
Reigning hide-and-seek Champion of the World OSAMA BIN LADEN spends thousands of dollars every year purchasing WHITNEY HOUSTON libidinous infidel memorabilia on eBay. Seriously, Osama bin Laden is attracted to Whitney Houston, sexually. He even plotted to crash a plane into Whitney’s ex-husband BOBBY BROWN! And he desperately wanted to see her perform during the 2004 SOUL DIVAS TOUR, but the closest concert from his cavernous lair in TORA BORA was in Auckland, New Zealand. Keep lusting, Osama.
Riley Waggaman’s WAGG THE BOG appears constantly here at Wonkette. Send your hot gossip to the usual tips@wonkette.com
Such a kidder, that Bin Laden. He’s a million laughs! Better he should take out Jay-Z.
So it comes down to this….our only hope in getting bin Laden involves an aging coke whore putting on a concert in Kabul.
Hey, who doesn’t love Whitney Houston?
Navy is ranked like 59th compared to like 6th OSU and they lost by four points. That is very impressive for a bunch of sailor queers and very discouraging for the obnoxious, drunken buffoons who constitute Buckeye fans. Next week, Ohio will get literally castrated by USC (interesting trivia fact for Wonkett readers: Cindy McCain went to USC), so that should make John McCain feel better.
Bin Laden also says he was emboldened after America didn’t retaliate against him for killing Biggie Smalls.
If that’s not bizarre enough, other American pop culture she cites as him enjoying were watching episodes of “The Wonder Years,” “Miami Vice” and “MacGyver” and reading Star Magazine and Playboy.
For the articles!
SJCA ALUMS HOLLA BACK FUUUUUUCK YEAAAAH
We only lost to Navy my sophomore year, and that was 3-2. It is goddamn miraculous how good we are when you keep in mind how much the team has been drinking the night before.
Columbia and Whitney Houston in one post? I snort a theme.
But do the Santa Fe kids get to play? The world needs to know.
In 3 yrs mark my words, we’ll have Usama bin Ladin commenting on I Love the ’90s.
C’mon Whitney, do it! For the children if nothing else.
Anybody know where I can score some tamiflu?
I’m surprised that many $20’s have actually passed through Marion Barry’s hands.
jbd: Apparently now Santa Fe plays Annapolis, but not Navy. As a proud graduate of the Santa Fe campus, I can only hope that Navy’s proud tradition of getting schooled at croquet by a bunch of drunk, dirty hippies will be extended to parts Further West in the future.
If you can’t assasinate Bobby Brown, the twin towers are the next best thing.
Osama’s dream girl is the kind of girl that would post bail for the guy that smacked her around. Why am I not surprised?
I kind of miss the old “Wonk’d” column, but I’m enjoying the surrealistic Waggaman version nonetheless.
Perfect!!!! The CIA ties Whitney Houston to a stake out in the middle of a field in Pakistan. She makes distress calls (which, from Whitney Houston, will sound like singing). Osama bin Laden hears calls, approaches cautiously, nose twitching, ears pricked up, saliva dripping… Eventually, he throws caution to the wind, dashes in to make her his sex slave, and, and, AND, the CIA can’t agree with DOD as to whose snipers should fire, and they all screw up the operation, the end.
Kingbee: Re-read that scenario, there is a silver lining to it.
It is intoxicating to imagine the possibilities that America’s greatest diplomatic weapon could be a “divas to dictators” program. Like Miley Cyrus to Kim Jong Il, or Britney Spears to Hugo Chavez.
Uhhhh, Washington Examiner writer person? This type of book called a “novel?” It’s not what you think it is.
SayItWithWookies: Awesome, Wookies.
Who would have thunk that Osama has a boner for Whitney Houston?. I kind of doubt that he’s as dumb as some of those criminals that show up to collect their “prizes”, only to be cuffed and whisked off to jail. It is worth a try to air drop a couple hundred thousand Whitney Houston concert tickets over Pakistan though.
Deacon Frank Orris: My memory, albeit fuzzy from ingesting mind-boggling quantities of Natty Bo, was that everyone washed before the game (at least the juicy bits). I don’t know where all this talk of dirty beatniks and dirty hippies is coming from. Santa Fe, maybe they’re pretty grimy. But the Annapoloids washed, and put on clean underwear and everything.
Kingbee: I think I saw that on NCIS.
Bloody brilliant, young Wag!
So, Whitney “Crack is Whack” Houston is Tokyo Rose 2.0?
EatFrankRich: I was generalizing from my Santa Fe experience, where indeed the Hippies are both Dirty and Fucking. I would be disappointed though not surprised to discover the Annapoloids leave off the Dirty.