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  • SHE REALLY REALLY WANTS TO BE PRESIDENT: [We're out of absurd descriptions for her] Michele Bachmann unintentionally revealed yesterday, while yelling about Democrats, that she thinks about running for president 24/7: “They want to make sure no women, no woman becomes president before a Democrat woman and so they’re doing everything they can to, I think, sabotage women like Sarah Palin, perhaps women like myself, or similarly situated women, to make sure that we don’t have a prominent national voice.” Hey, Michele, GOD WILL DECIDE which lady gets to be lady-president first, so stop bothering him and be patient okay? [TPM]
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Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell

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86 comments

  1. keepinitrealyo

    I really want Sarah Palin to be the nominee, but Bachman will definately do the trick. Maybe we can reanimate Kitty Harris for VP?

  2. ManchuCandidate

    “Welcome to the 2012 GOP Convention. This year’s theme is Highlander in US America.”
    “Tonight’s deathmatch is between Sarah “I quit” Palin vs Michelle “Overdrive” Bachmann.”
    “There can be ONLY ONE! You betchya!”
    “Let’s get READY TO RUMBLE!”

    Oh Sweet Zombie Jeebus make this happen!

  3. masterdebater

    “Hey, Michele, GOD WILL DECIDE which lady gets to be lady-president first, so stop bothering him and be patient okay?”

    That’s right, if god wanted a girl person to be our president he would have given her a penis…and she would have made one of those popular intertube videos so we would all know it!

  4. MysteriousHoatzin

    re: “[We're out of absurd descriptions for her]”

    How about: “Duck-billed crazysaurus”?

  5. SwanSwanH

    Misongynists!! PUMAs, behold thy mother.

    On a serious note –and I’m guessing it was Limbaugh — but who was the originator of using “Democrat” as an adjective (e.g. Democrat Party, Democrat woman, &tc.) in lieu of the correct but evidently too democratic sounding “Democratic?”

  6. Come here a minute

    AMERICA’S GREATEST BLOG-MATERIAL RESERVOIR

    Now that’s just crude. (You did mean “blog-material” as a synonym of semen, right?)

  7. SayItWithWookies

    The Democrats are saboting Michele? I won’t believe that until she quits and starts ranting on Facebook.

  8. Smoke Filled Roommate

    I guess God has a funky fashion sense, what with telling her to wear necklaces on her wrists and all. Or gasp– is that to cover up the making of a covenant?

  9. Canmon (the Inadequate)

    It’s very interesting to me how white Republicans only seem to care about discrimination when they feel that they are the victims.

  10. DeLand DeLakes

    Ugh. This shit is only funny provided that you did not grow up around the troglodytes who actually elected this woman, twice. I miss the days when my county was primarily famous for unusually high rates of inbreeding.

  11. V572625694

    [re=403101]SwanSwanH[/re]: Bob Dole would tell you that Bob Dole was the foremost user of “democrat” as an adjective.

    re: “[We're out of absurd descriptions for her]”…Vengeful Malamute-eyed harridan? “Harpy” is always nice, too.

  12. the problem child

    “[We're out of absurd descriptions for her]”

    How about: “foaming at all orifices”, “Jeebus-tweaker and C-Street House Mother”, “Suicidal Birther-Deather”, “Trying desperately for a Trugg of her own”

  13. Slow Fish

    Why isn’t she at the State Fair, like all other self-respecting Minnesota politicians? Even offical State Troll and Bridge Saboteur Carol Molnau has been seen slithering around.

    It’s probably just as well — if Bachmann’s Dark Energy collides with Al Franken, I’m afraid the space-time continuum will implode.

  14. Rodney Badger

    [re=403121]the problem child[/re]: One cannot forget that she is a birther: “Bezerk Bible Belching Birther Bachman?”

  15. Whiskeybaby

    She’s right, you know. The lack of a prominent platform for right-wing lunatics like Bachmann, Beck, Limbaugh, O’Reilly, Coulter, Palin, Hannity etc is truly a tragic by-product of the liberal way we live today in America. IF ONLY THEY HAD A PLATFORM AND THEIR VOICES COULD BE HEARD!!

  16. S.Luggo

    Fundamental flaws in Bachanella’s rant:

    1. The Dems want a woman president.

    2. Wolfinator Palin has actually something left to sabotage.

    3. The Demmos actually give a rat’s ass about Rep. Michele McCrazy (R-Bats Belfrey, Minn).

  17. facehead

    Whether it be a televised debate, or a full-on whore squabble, I just can’t wait for her and Palin to butt heads in 2012.

    *steps into time machine, watches 2012 republican candidate debates, comes back to 2009*

    BWAHAHAHAHAAHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!

  18. GreatOldOnesParty

    [re=403092]ManchuCandidate[/re]: I prefer the “Thunderdome” mantra.

    Two batshit bitches enter!
    One batshit bitch leaves!
    But that doesn’t always have to be the case as we’d be a lot more happy if neither left!

  19. JadedDIssonance

    [We're out of absurd descriptions for her]

    Teapotted Tempest?

    CrazyPantsuit?

    Devolved Battery Biter?

  20. saralovesyou

    [re=403129]Slow Fish[/re]: Why show up at the state fair? Minnesota will never vote for her in a presidential race. She needs to go to state fairs in wingnut country where all of Al Franken’s fingers would have been bitten off as soon as he started speaking in complete sentences.

  21. Larry McAwful

    [re=403101]SwanSwanH[/re]: Seriously, I’ve heard recordings of Joe McCarthy using “Democrat” as an adjective. That’s the earliest use of that jibe that I know of.

    McCarthy also railed against the “Civil Liberties Union,” refusing to call them the “American Civil Liberties Union.” He probably didn’t use the abbreviation because that would include America’s A, and no one would know what the hell the CLU is.

    It might have started earlier; I really don’t know. But it’s been around since at least the 1950s, when that famous drunk saw communists everywhere.

  22. TheNavOne

    “perhaps women like myself, or similarly situated women”

    I actually do know a woman in a similar situation as her, only she has to wear a helmet and be supervised 24 hours a day for her own protection.

  23. AbstinenceOnly Ed

    You’d slash your wrists too if your husband was a big screaming queen who spent his waking hours “de-gaying” (i.e., felching) confused Minnesotan farmboys with his “practical insights, biblical principles, and humor.” Pity Michele, and fear her frustrated insanity.

  24. Custersdeadhorse

    If either of them ever become the First Woman President, they will also become the Last Woman President! Should I learn Korean, Persian or Chinese first?

  25. WadISay

    [re=403096]freakishlystrong[/re]: I kind of like the idea of taking the “ic” out of “Republican” in reprisal, –> Republan.

    [re=403101]SwanSwanH[/re]: For some reason, I thought it was a Tom Delay or Dick Armey idea.

  26. Saragon

    [re=403143]user-of-owls[/re]: You know, I like “Serial Lunatic Fairy” myself. Also user-of-owls’ suggestion of “Allegedly sentient”.

  27. GreatOldOnesParty

    [re=403102]Come here a minute[/re]: Or something like
    “Walking Botulinum Toxin Chemical Weapons Cache”

  28. Larry McAwful

    Until the Republicans cease to rely on voters who believe the Bible says that women shouldn’t be in charge of anything, she’s staying in the House, if she’s lucky. I’ve heard these loons say that the Bible permits women to serve in legislatures, but prevents them from holding executive positions. Nutball Christians in places like Mississippi and Utah would stay home in droves rather than elect a woman to the White House.

    Bachmann could be elected president if only we’d had the foresight to let the Confederacy go when they wanted to. And if she weren’t batshit crazy. Apart from those two small obsticles, she’d be a shoo-in.

  29. leftcoaster

    Bible Juice Inebriate
    Medieval Villager Baiter
    Toddler Beauty Pageant Judge
    Hyperbolic She-Banshee

  30. Larry McAwful

    [re=403183]WadISay[/re]: Heh… that’s pretty good. If they take our -ic, we’ll take theirs!

  31. zaccapeters

    “Food and sense deprived”
    “Overpopulation enthusiast”
    “Inverse intellectual”
    “De-institutionalization poster girl”

  32. Rotundo

    [re=403183]WadISay[/re]: How about a quick delete of the “l” so we can call them “Repubicans”? They seem obsessed with naughty bits and their applications (both from an experimental sense and a regulatory sense) it just seems right to me…

  33. Chickensmack

    [re=403094]user-of-owls[/re]:
    “Rapture Ready”
    “Sweet King Jesus Aficionado”
    “Hallelujah Tap-Dancer”
    “Parent to Circumspect Fuck-Ups”
    “Trinitantenna”

  34. Jukesgrrl

    Could someone line up all the “similarly situated women”? I want to meet them. Pictures, too, please.

  35. engulfedinflames

    “high heeled hoot fest”

    “painted pawn of pernicious publicans”

    “hysterical hep-cat of heavens hooligans”

    when i called the rnc to bitch about her McCarthyesque call for investigations into “unamerican” congress people i was told “michelle is one of our most articulate spokesmen”.

    sigh

  36. Sharkey

    [re=403227]The Station Manager[/re]: Close… I prefer to fantasize that her breasts are real.

    [re=403233]The Station Manager[/re]: Perfect! I am a fan. Of yours.

  37. BlueStateLibtard

    But wouldn’t it be awesome to see her debating Obama in 2012 in three debates?!? I say we encourage her. Imagine all the screen shots of her rolling her eyes back like a shark, and threatening to slit her wrists and starve herself, and speaking in tongues. It would be hard on Hopey, yeah, like trying to speak rationally with a drunken psychotic aunt, but he could handle it.

  38. SparkleKitty

    I think the old biblical term, “publican” would fit the GOP better. Especially since the meaning evolved in (I think) the 19th century …and was a descriptive term for what we now call “pimp”.

  39. thebeatgoeson

    Since all the good absurd descriptions were taken, I thought I’d try anagrams

    Fun With Name Anagrams!

    http://deanjackson.dj/nameanagram/index.php

    Michele Bachmann: Man! Blame Chic Hen
    Chuck Grassley: He’s Ugly Cracks
    Ann Coulter: Unclean Rot
    Sarah Palin: A Sharp Nail (quick – someone hit it on the head!)
    Alberto Gonzales: Large Zealot Snob
    George Bush: O, He Buggers
    Donald Rumsfeld: Muddler of Lands
    Osama Bin Laden: A Damn Alien S.O.B.
    Michael Jackson: Manacle His Jock
    Bristol Palin: Brain to Spill
    Todd Palin: Pant Dildo
    Willow Palin: Wail, Win Poll
    Harry Reid: Hairdryer
    Hillary Clinton: Only I Can Thrill

    OK – I’ll stop now…

  40. LoweredPeninsula

    [We're out of absurd descriptions for her]

    Oh, that was a mistake. You done messed up; you done messed up big!

    - “Bridge of Chucky”
    - “‘Minnesota Crazy’ advocate”
    - “Orly Taitz devotee/Known Taitist”
    - “Reich-reviving she-wolf”
    - “conscience/intellect raping”
    - “Belial spokeswoman”
    - “crazy-train operator”
    - “Realamerican”
    - “sanity opponent”
    - “Michele Bachmann (R-Narnia)”
    - “Botched abortion”
    - “Head Satan-slammer/sucker”
    - “Human Ouroboros”
    - “Christian jihadist”
    - “Insanity admirer”
    - “Director of the Second Coming/Apocalypse”

    And, so many more…

  41. LoweredPeninsula

    Damnit! Bride of Chucky. Y mas…

    - “Human contagion”
    - “Mentally-compromised”
    - “Harried hot mess”
    - “Hellevangelist”
    - “Conscience conquerer”
    - “Palin the Lesser”
    - “Lead emoist”
    - “Ambien/Zoloft addict”
    - “Sanity barrier”

    BTW, “C-Street House Mother” was the best. Thanks [re=403121]the problem child[/re].

  42. IrksomeKitty

    All I’ve got is “Desiccated reptile”, which is what comes to mind every time I see Michelle Bachmann (R-Interzone).

  43. Long Form Def Certificate

    Finally, the question of what Duluth’s slow-core favourites Low lost in the fire is answered: their sanity.

    ‘Cause you know those NOMROM “rockers” are total Bachmannologists.

  44. Darkness

    Democrats are scared? Yeah, scared, terrified even, of having an bumbling rube in the presidency again. Not our fault, Michele, if your two example candidates happen to also qualify (with flaming colors) under that metric.

Comments are closed.