AMERICA'S GREATEST BLOG-MATERIAL RESERVOIR  3:16 pm September 4, 2009

by Jim Newell

  • SHE REALLY REALLY WANTS TO BE PRESIDENT: [We're out of absurd descriptions for her] Michele Bachmann unintentionally revealed yesterday, while yelling about Democrats, that she thinks about running for president 24/7: “They want to make sure no women, no woman becomes president before a Democrat woman and so they’re doing everything they can to, I think, sabotage women like Sarah Palin, perhaps women like myself, or similarly situated women, to make sure that we don’t have a prominent national voice.” Hey, Michele, GOD WILL DECIDE which lady gets to be lady-president first, so stop bothering him and be patient okay? [TPM]
 
Related video

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

{ 86 comments }

keepinitrealyo September 4, 2009 at 3:20 pm

I really want Sarah Palin to be the nominee, but Bachman will definately do the trick. Maybe we can reanimate Kitty Harris for VP?

ManchuCandidate September 4, 2009 at 3:20 pm

“Welcome to the 2012 GOP Convention. This year’s theme is Highlander in US America.”
“Tonight’s deathmatch is between Sarah “I quit” Palin vs Michelle “Overdrive” Bachmann.”
“There can be ONLY ONE! You betchya!”
“Let’s get READY TO RUMBLE!”

Oh Sweet Zombie Jeebus make this happen!

user-of-owls September 4, 2009 at 3:21 pm

[We're out of absurd descriptions for her] Michele Bachmann

Need suggestions?

masterdebater September 4, 2009 at 3:21 pm

“Hey, Michele, GOD WILL DECIDE which lady gets to be lady-president first, so stop bothering him and be patient okay?”

That’s right, if god wanted a girl person to be our president he would have given her a penis…and she would have made one of those popular intertube videos so we would all know it!

freakishlystrong September 4, 2009 at 3:22 pm

It’s Democratic woman, you raving lunatic. Woman.

MysteriousHoatzin September 4, 2009 at 3:23 pm

re: “[We're out of absurd descriptions for her]”

How about: “Duck-billed crazysaurus”?

SwanSwanH September 4, 2009 at 3:26 pm

Misongynists!! PUMAs, behold thy mother.

On a serious note –and I’m guessing it was Limbaugh — but who was the originator of using “Democrat” as an adjective (e.g. Democrat Party, Democrat woman, &tc.) in lieu of the correct but evidently too democratic sounding “Democratic?”

Come here a minute September 4, 2009 at 3:26 pm

AMERICA’S GREATEST BLOG-MATERIAL RESERVOIR

Now that’s just crude. (You did mean “blog-material” as a synonym of semen, right?)

SayItWithWookies September 4, 2009 at 3:26 pm

The Democrats are saboting Michele? I won’t believe that until she quits and starts ranting on Facebook.

american mutt September 4, 2009 at 3:28 pm

Didn’t god already decide that women shouldn’t question men anyway?

Smoke Filled Roommate September 4, 2009 at 3:28 pm

I guess God has a funky fashion sense, what with telling her to wear necklaces on her wrists and all. Or gasp– is that to cover up the making of a covenant?

Canmon (the Inadequate) September 4, 2009 at 3:30 pm

It’s very interesting to me how white Republicans only seem to care about discrimination when they feel that they are the victims.

Sharkey September 4, 2009 at 3:30 pm

Ludicrous guano-Vampyress Michele Bachmann (?)

It’s actually harder than it seems…

norbizness September 4, 2009 at 3:31 pm

WHERE’S THE PICTURE DAMMIT

DeLand DeLakes September 4, 2009 at 3:32 pm

Ugh. This shit is only funny provided that you did not grow up around the troglodytes who actually elected this woman, twice. I miss the days when my county was primarily famous for unusually high rates of inbreeding.

V572625694 September 4, 2009 at 3:32 pm

[re=403101]SwanSwanH[/re]: Bob Dole would tell you that Bob Dole was the foremost user of “democrat” as an adjective.

re: “[We're out of absurd descriptions for her]”…Vengeful Malamute-eyed harridan? “Harpy” is always nice, too.

Sharkey September 4, 2009 at 3:36 pm

[re=403113]V572625694[/re]: Makes me think of “Medusa”.

TGY September 4, 2009 at 3:36 pm

Whom the gods would destroy, they first send to Minnesota.

the problem child September 4, 2009 at 3:39 pm

“[We're out of absurd descriptions for her]”

How about: “foaming at all orifices”, “Jeebus-tweaker and C-Street House Mother”, “Suicidal Birther-Deather”, “Trying desperately for a Trugg of her own”

SwanSwanH September 4, 2009 at 3:41 pm

[re=403113]V572625694[/re]: Thanks. I gather that he now prefers the adjective “engorged.”

nbawriter September 4, 2009 at 3:42 pm

New poll out: Bachmann trails Darryl Dawkins 46-43 for President of Lovetron.

Slow Fish September 4, 2009 at 3:43 pm

Why isn’t she at the State Fair, like all other self-respecting Minnesota politicians? Even offical State Troll and Bridge Saboteur Carol Molnau has been seen slithering around.

It’s probably just as well — if Bachmann’s Dark Energy collides with Al Franken, I’m afraid the space-time continuum will implode.

SwanSwanH September 4, 2009 at 3:44 pm

[re=403121]the problem child[/re]: “The lesser of two Palins”

Smoke Filled Roommate September 4, 2009 at 3:44 pm

[We're out of absurd descriptions for her]

Thorazine Regimen Hopeful

Rodney Badger September 4, 2009 at 3:45 pm

How about “Bezerk Bible Belcher Bachman?”

I’m a fan of alliterations.

Hart88 September 4, 2009 at 3:46 pm

Bachmann keep tying herself to Palin, not sure that’s a winning strategy.

Rodney Badger September 4, 2009 at 3:48 pm

[re=403121]the problem child[/re]: One cannot forget that she is a birther: “Bezerk Bible Belching Birther Bachman?”

Whiskeybaby September 4, 2009 at 3:48 pm

She’s right, you know. The lack of a prominent platform for right-wing lunatics like Bachmann, Beck, Limbaugh, O’Reilly, Coulter, Palin, Hannity etc is truly a tragic by-product of the liberal way we live today in America. IF ONLY THEY HAD A PLATFORM AND THEIR VOICES COULD BE HEARD!!

S.Luggo September 4, 2009 at 3:49 pm

Fundamental flaws in Bachanella’s rant:

1. The Dems want a woman president.

2. Wolfinator Palin has actually something left to sabotage.

3. The Demmos actually give a rat’s ass about Rep. Michele McCrazy (R-Bats Belfrey, Minn).

Pilate September 4, 2009 at 3:49 pm

“Known vagina.”

Humpback September 4, 2009 at 3:50 pm

She’s obviously ranting as her wrists bleed out.

user-of-owls September 4, 2009 at 3:50 pm

“[We're out of absurd descriptions for her]”

Serial Lunatic Fairy

gurukalehuru September 4, 2009 at 3:51 pm

Which is it, Michelle? Slashing your wrists or running for President?

jasper f. krone September 4, 2009 at 3:52 pm

Area Woman?

facehead September 4, 2009 at 3:53 pm

Whether it be a televised debate, or a full-on whore squabble, I just can’t wait for her and Palin to butt heads in 2012.

*steps into time machine, watches 2012 republican candidate debates, comes back to 2009*

BWAHAHAHAHAAHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!

GreatOldOnesParty September 4, 2009 at 3:56 pm

[re=403092]ManchuCandidate[/re]: I prefer the “Thunderdome” mantra.

Two batshit bitches enter!
One batshit bitch leaves!
But that doesn’t always have to be the case as we’d be a lot more happy if neither left!

Tommmcatt September 4, 2009 at 3:57 pm

[re=403132]Smoke Filled Roommate[/re]:

Oh, yes. That was good, indeed.

user-of-owls September 4, 2009 at 3:57 pm

“Alleged Sentient”

JadedDIssonance September 4, 2009 at 3:57 pm

[We're out of absurd descriptions for her]

Teapotted Tempest?

CrazyPantsuit?

Devolved Battery Biter?

saralovesyou September 4, 2009 at 3:57 pm

[re=403129]Slow Fish[/re]: Why show up at the state fair? Minnesota will never vote for her in a presidential race. She needs to go to state fairs in wingnut country where all of Al Franken’s fingers would have been bitten off as soon as he started speaking in complete sentences.

Larry McAwful September 4, 2009 at 3:58 pm

[re=403101]SwanSwanH[/re]: Seriously, I’ve heard recordings of Joe McCarthy using “Democrat” as an adjective. That’s the earliest use of that jibe that I know of.

McCarthy also railed against the “Civil Liberties Union,” refusing to call them the “American Civil Liberties Union.” He probably didn’t use the abbreviation because that would include America’s A, and no one would know what the hell the CLU is.

It might have started earlier; I really don’t know. But it’s been around since at least the 1950s, when that famous drunk saw communists everywhere.

the problem child September 4, 2009 at 3:58 pm

“Tongue flicking over crazy-eyes”

TheNavOne September 4, 2009 at 3:58 pm

“perhaps women like myself, or similarly situated women”

I actually do know a woman in a similar situation as her, only she has to wear a helmet and be supervised 24 hours a day for her own protection.

AbstinenceOnly Ed September 4, 2009 at 4:02 pm

You’d slash your wrists too if your husband was a big screaming queen who spent his waking hours “de-gaying” (i.e., felching) confused Minnesotan farmboys with his “practical insights, biblical principles, and humor.” Pity Michele, and fear her frustrated insanity.

Custersdeadhorse September 4, 2009 at 4:03 pm

If either of them ever become the First Woman President, they will also become the Last Woman President! Should I learn Korean, Persian or Chinese first?

WadISay September 4, 2009 at 4:05 pm

[re=403096]freakishlystrong[/re]: I kind of like the idea of taking the “ic” out of “Republican” in reprisal, –> Republan.

[re=403101]SwanSwanH[/re]: For some reason, I thought it was a Tom Delay or Dick Armey idea.

Saragon September 4, 2009 at 4:06 pm

[re=403143]user-of-owls[/re]: You know, I like “Serial Lunatic Fairy” myself. Also user-of-owls’ suggestion of “Allegedly sentient”.

GreatOldOnesParty September 4, 2009 at 4:07 pm

[re=403102]Come here a minute[/re]: Or something like
“Walking Botulinum Toxin Chemical Weapons Cache”

Larry McAwful September 4, 2009 at 4:07 pm

Until the Republicans cease to rely on voters who believe the Bible says that women shouldn’t be in charge of anything, she’s staying in the House, if she’s lucky. I’ve heard these loons say that the Bible permits women to serve in legislatures, but prevents them from holding executive positions. Nutball Christians in places like Mississippi and Utah would stay home in droves rather than elect a woman to the White House.

Bachmann could be elected president if only we’d had the foresight to let the Confederacy go when they wanted to. And if she weren’t batshit crazy. Apart from those two small obsticles, she’d be a shoo-in.

leftcoaster September 4, 2009 at 4:08 pm

Bible Juice Inebriate
Medieval Villager Baiter
Toddler Beauty Pageant Judge
Hyperbolic She-Banshee

nbawriter September 4, 2009 at 4:09 pm

“Glenn Beck Tantric Sex Partner?”

Larry McAwful September 4, 2009 at 4:10 pm

[re=403183]WadISay[/re]: Heh… that’s pretty good. If they take our -ic, we’ll take theirs!

ella September 4, 2009 at 4:11 pm

“Don’t hate me because I’m a crazy, stupid liar, hate me because I want to be president.”

friendlyskies September 4, 2009 at 4:14 pm

Levi Johnston is a Democrat?

S.Luggo September 4, 2009 at 4:15 pm

“Cutter”
“God’s Confidante”
“Re-education camp census-defier.”

zaccapeters September 4, 2009 at 4:22 pm

“Food and sense deprived”
“Overpopulation enthusiast”
“Inverse intellectual”
“De-institutionalization poster girl”

BadKitty September 4, 2009 at 4:25 pm

Just how many Minnesotans do we have commenting on this goldarn site anyways, you betcha?

leftcoaster September 4, 2009 at 4:26 pm

Harbinger of the End of America
America’s handmaiden
Suspected succubus

zaccapeters September 4, 2009 at 4:29 pm

Oohh. I forgotz.
“Purported Manson Spawntard”
There.

When will you Humans learn... September 4, 2009 at 4:31 pm

We’re out of absurd descriptions for her

“Batshit” works just fine.

The Station Manager September 4, 2009 at 4:31 pm

“Vaguely Sentient Walking Boob Job”?

TGY September 4, 2009 at 4:34 pm

[re=403144]gurukalehuru[/re]: perhaps there should be a poll on teh Intarnets.

Rotundo September 4, 2009 at 4:34 pm

[re=403183]WadISay[/re]: How about a quick delete of the “l” so we can call them “Repubicans”? They seem obsessed with naughty bits and their applications (both from an experimental sense and a regulatory sense) it just seems right to me…

The Station Manager September 4, 2009 at 4:35 pm

Michele “Rack of Madness” Bachmann?

AbstinenceOnly Ed September 4, 2009 at 4:36 pm

Rabid Beard

chascates September 4, 2009 at 4:39 pm

We don’t mind a woman President; it’s a lunatic President we don’t want.

Chickensmack September 4, 2009 at 5:18 pm

[re=403094]user-of-owls[/re]:
“Rapture Ready”
“Sweet King Jesus Aficionado”
“Hallelujah Tap-Dancer”
“Parent to Circumspect Fuck-Ups”
“Trinitantenna”

Jukesgrrl September 4, 2009 at 5:27 pm

Could someone line up all the “similarly situated women”? I want to meet them. Pictures, too, please.

bullship September 4, 2009 at 5:36 pm

And then there is the Bachmann / Lizzy Borden ticket.

widget09 September 4, 2009 at 5:39 pm

Why does god only talk to the criminally insane?

engulfedinflames September 4, 2009 at 5:54 pm

“high heeled hoot fest”

“painted pawn of pernicious publicans”

“hysterical hep-cat of heavens hooligans”

when i called the rnc to bitch about her McCarthyesque call for investigations into “unamerican” congress people i was told “michelle is one of our most articulate spokesmen”.

sigh

slappypaddy September 4, 2009 at 6:51 pm

if she ever went back and read the transcripts of her spew, her beady little eyes would explode.

Sharkey September 4, 2009 at 7:06 pm

[re=403227]The Station Manager[/re]: Close… I prefer to fantasize that her breasts are real.

[re=403233]The Station Manager[/re]: Perfect! I am a fan. Of yours.

masterdebater September 4, 2009 at 7:36 pm

re: “[We're out of absurd descriptions for her]”

Michele “Big Naturals” Bachmann?

BlueStateLibtard September 4, 2009 at 7:37 pm

But wouldn’t it be awesome to see her debating Obama in 2012 in three debates?!? I say we encourage her. Imagine all the screen shots of her rolling her eyes back like a shark, and threatening to slit her wrists and starve herself, and speaking in tongues. It would be hard on Hopey, yeah, like trying to speak rationally with a drunken psychotic aunt, but he could handle it.

Darkness September 4, 2009 at 10:05 pm

[re=403111]DeLand DeLakes[/re]: Unrelated? I think not.

SparkleKitty September 4, 2009 at 10:24 pm

I think the old biblical term, “publican” would fit the GOP better. Especially since the meaning evolved in (I think) the 19th century …and was a descriptive term for what we now call “pimp”.

zhubajie September 4, 2009 at 11:39 pm

If she were a REAL conservative, she wouldn’t want a woman in office, would she?

thebeatgoeson September 5, 2009 at 12:15 am

Since all the good absurd descriptions were taken, I thought I’d try anagrams

Fun With Name Anagrams!

http://deanjackson.dj/nameanagram/index.php

Michele Bachmann: Man! Blame Chic Hen
Chuck Grassley: He’s Ugly Cracks
Ann Coulter: Unclean Rot
Sarah Palin: A Sharp Nail (quick – someone hit it on the head!)
Alberto Gonzales: Large Zealot Snob
George Bush: O, He Buggers
Donald Rumsfeld: Muddler of Lands
Osama Bin Laden: A Damn Alien S.O.B.
Michael Jackson: Manacle His Jock
Bristol Palin: Brain to Spill
Todd Palin: Pant Dildo
Willow Palin: Wail, Win Poll
Harry Reid: Hairdryer
Hillary Clinton: Only I Can Thrill

OK – I’ll stop now…

LoweredPeninsula September 5, 2009 at 1:12 am

[We're out of absurd descriptions for her]

Oh, that was a mistake. You done messed up; you done messed up big!

- “Bridge of Chucky”
- “‘Minnesota Crazy’ advocate”
- “Orly Taitz devotee/Known Taitist”
- “Reich-reviving she-wolf”
- “conscience/intellect raping”
- “Belial spokeswoman”
- “crazy-train operator”
- “Realamerican”
- “sanity opponent”
- “Michele Bachmann (R-Narnia)”
- “Botched abortion”
- “Head Satan-slammer/sucker”
- “Human Ouroboros”
- “Christian jihadist”
- “Insanity admirer”
- “Director of the Second Coming/Apocalypse”

And, so many more…

LoweredPeninsula September 5, 2009 at 1:31 am

Damnit! Bride of Chucky. Y mas…

- “Human contagion”
- “Mentally-compromised”
- “Harried hot mess”
- “Hellevangelist”
- “Conscience conquerer”
- “Palin the Lesser”
- “Lead emoist”
- “Ambien/Zoloft addict”
- “Sanity barrier”

BTW, “C-Street House Mother” was the best. Thanks [re=403121]the problem child[/re].

IrksomeKitty September 5, 2009 at 10:31 am

All I’ve got is “Desiccated reptile”, which is what comes to mind every time I see Michelle Bachmann (R-Interzone).

Sharkey September 5, 2009 at 11:54 am

If she’s really serious about female empowerment, she’d change her name to Michele Bachwomann.

Long Form Def Certificate September 5, 2009 at 9:28 pm

Finally, the question of what Duluth’s slow-core favourites Low lost in the fire is answered: their sanity.

‘Cause you know those NOMROM “rockers” are total Bachmannologists.

Darkness September 5, 2009 at 11:07 pm

Democrats are scared? Yeah, scared, terrified even, of having an bumbling rube in the presidency again. Not our fault, Michele, if your two example candidates happen to also qualify (with flaming colors) under that metric.

Gayer Than Thou September 8, 2009 at 1:52 pm

How about: early-model cylon.

Comments on this entry are closed.

Previous post:

Next post: