Wonkette
South Carolina is just full of filthy sex people performing terrible acts of sex upon one another. Take Kristin Maguire, who became “of interest” last week after it was discovered that in between chairing the state board of education and homeschooling her own four children (?), she was in the habit of publishing her loosely fictionalized erotic goings-on on certain sexy parts of the Internet. Ha, oh and then there was that time she flashed Mark Sanford’s chief of staff whilst atop the hilariously gratuitous location of Jenny Sanford’s desk. (N.B.: Hi, yes, South Carolina: it is possible to hook-up without doing so at the expense of Jenny Sanford.)
Anyway, now Maguire has of course resigned! Cue bad-faith-y statement about wanting to spend more time with her family in 3, 2,…
“No one warned me that my children would become teenagers at the same time that my parents have ever greater needs of my time and support,” Maguire, 41, wrote to Sanford, who reappointed her to the board in 2004 and 2008.
“While I have sought to meet everyone’s needs while fulfilling my obligations as your appointee to and chairman of the State Board of Education, as I look to the immediate future I do not see a way to adequately do all of these things.”
Okay bye! Sure we’ll see you around the Internet!
She was actually more interesting during her student days, when she was banging Euro dudes two at a time on the train between random countries.
Oh and I would hit that.
“No one warned me that my children would become teenagers at the same time that my parents have ever greater needs of my time and support.”
Apparently, she sucks at teh maths, too.
Paris Hilton would like to comment today…
“That’s hot!”
Thanks, Paris. Back to you in the “studio.”
The best part:
One of the board’s most conservative members, Maguire co-founded a group that encourages abstinence-only education and the teaching of intelligent design in schools. She also is active in politics, serving on the state Republican Party’s executive committee.
Markie must’ve been hitting that.
What kind of crap is this - so SC- that you have someone who homeschools making decisions for people whose kids go to public school? And her beliefs in abstinence only and “intelligent” design prove she is a moran. No wonder Jenny Sanford had her kids in private school
Wow, I had no idea South Carolina was such a steamy hotbed of eroticism!
I’d.
Allie Sheedy NOOOOOOOO!!!!
She’s a naughty, naughty girl and Gov. Marky Mark should give her a good spanking.
In an appropriate Christian way, of course.
Everyone knows christian home schooler moms are the biggest freaks on the block.
Here’s more info on her nasties:
http://www.graphictruth.com/2009/09/erotic-writer-bridget-keeney-outed-as.html
finallyhappy: seconded.
“While I have sought to meet everyone’s needs …”
This is not, strictly speaking, true. I checked, and in all the gang bang scenes in “Tara’s Thanksgiving Weekend,” she always has at least one orifice unoccupied.
A steamy hotbed of eroticism combined with head-in-the-sand religion, sex & science education. What a stupidly fucked up govt. Emotional repression breeds the nuttiest freaks.
Um… Chair of the board of education and yet she home schools?
So like she doesn’t trust herself enough to trust her kids to her people or what?
She certainly shouldn’t trust any damned socialist that would chair a board of education!
Or she shouldn’t trust any school system under a board chaired by such a slutty pornographer.
Either one.
I can’t believe Obama would make this nice hypocrite lady blow two dudes on a train.
Is precum even a word? Is it a homeschool thing?
Alabama public school kids call them “Homers.” They fall into a big box of weird and come crawling out as teens with Panama City License Plates and showing up on Girls Gone Wild.
Gerard’s groin ached as his eyes lingered upon Bethany’s heaving chest, her rounded, damp breasts rising slightly as she breathed deeply, sucking in the warm night air, tired from long run across the city. How easy it would be to press up against her and demand her complaince with his desire. His rod bulged suddenly against the fabric of his well-pressed khaki trousers (no pleats). He knew Bethany must be longing to envelop his hard, throbbing club inside of her moist, swelling crevasse, to feel his explosion fill her to the brim with his seed.
But they both also realized that abstinence is what Jeebus loves.
Then again, he could take her in the ass.
Perhaps she could franchise with Liz Edwards and open up a furniture store in *South* Carolina, yes?
Her pr0n is replete with the c-word and based upon her own writing, she likes to be called a dirty slut.
What a dirty slut.
Two words:
Crotchless pantaloons.
For Jesus’ sake Kristin, show us your tits.
People, come on - this is straight porn we’re talking about. That’s totally legit, right?
Better American Than You: So there’s an up-side.
Maguire began to homeschool her kids after discovering that the chair of the South Carolina Board of Education was a secret pornographer.
Query: has Kristen spent time on C-Street? We hear lots about the guys who were there but absolutely nothing about teh ladies.
You had me at Chair of Board of Education, home schools her kids. I’m sure that happens a lot, but I don’t know, I went to public school, that really gets me. It’d be like the CEO of Ford biking to work everyday, walking in in his bike shorts, swinging his helmet.
Of course, given that she’s teaching them abstinence only education and all sorts of other brilliant things, they’ll probably get pregnant the minute they stepped out of their tarpaulin backyard school church.
AnnieGetYourFun: She had me at no pleats in the well-pressed khakis. The woman’s an erotic genius.
Mahousu: Yikes, I actually took a look at “Tara’s Thanksgiving Dinner” and who does “Tara” get it on with first? “Mark and Sandy” - a.k.a. Mark Sanford.
Pron is not necessarily incompatible with abstinence only, if you consider wanking as an alternative to intercourse. And as chairperson of the board of ed, she could close down schools and force families to provide home schooling for their kids. A woman with a vision.
South Carolina Is For Lovers.
I’m sure it will vanish quickly, but this search:
http://news.google.com/news/search?pz=1&ned=us&hl=en&q=maguire
…currently has the following quote at the top of the page:
“I wish this was over and done with and that I didn’t have these allegations hanging over me so I could concentrate entirely on playing snooker”
She’s quitting to spend more time with Mark Sanford’s family.
The opening lines of “Lauren’s Masturbatory Musings” are classic:
“Paul walked into his office late Tuesday afternoon elated at the stockholders’ response to his annual report. The faithful few that had stayed with the company through the past two years while he had worked to rebuild ChemCorp’s market share were being richly rewarded. Not only were share prices higher than ever, he had also positioned the company to lead in the new environment-friendly coolant market.”
Republican porn gets me so hot.
Hey, y’all! C’mon down to SC and ge-chew some! This has got to be the end-times, Armer-geddon, or some such shit. All’s I know is MY merica shuddn’ be like this…
I move that we just start calling it Sex Carolina.
I think I will quit all my jobs to spend more time with my family, too! What a great idea! Does that come with full retirement benefits?
AggieDemocrat:
She has an engineering degree and she sucks at math? Must be one those Jeebus engineering schools.
Rubbin’ one (well, actually many) out for Jesus.
Mrs B: And then it’s husband and wife porn? What the fuck? Even Sanford got that one right.
Why the hell is it that everywhere I live ends up being a punchline? Alabama, Florida, South Carolina…fuck it. I’m just going to move to Alaska. Nothing funny ever happens there.
Juli, this story must be like a Christmas present to you, and way too easy; admit it, it wrote itself.
“Go, Gamecocks!,” indeed…
Her nom-de-porn is Lusty Bottom.
http://www.fitsnews.com/2009/08/31/sex-education/
Proponent of intelligent design and lesbian threesomes:
http://web.archive.org/web/20030618164943/www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=62465
Baconcat: Very Ally Sheedy, which would make me want to hit that if I hadn’t seen Ally in a “Psych” episode recently. That makes me want to withdraw my hit.
HAHAHA, the joke’s on us. Republican Christian erotica:
“We did it. I feel sticky, and he’s snoring. Hope the kids didn’t hear me blaspheme, even though I didn’t mean it.”
She digs threesomes, too. In the shower.
George Oscar Bluth: Plus “Family Values” and “Saving Holy Matrimony from Godless Homa-seckshuls”!
South Carolina =
A Coital Onrush;
A Harlot Cousin;
Urinal Cahoots;
Racial Ooh Nuts!;
Lo, Satanic Hour;
It’s Canola Hour!;
Hon, Casual Trio?;
Actual Ho Rosin;
A Sailor Cunt Ho;
Shut Colon Aria;
Ooh, Anal Rustic;
Chair Anus Tool
Or my personal favorite amalgam of Islam and pasta: Sharia con Lout
Are Christian women allowed to be called ‘cum sluts’ ?
I gotta re-read those gospels.
gurukalehuru: Seconded. All those in favor signify by saying “insert your own punchline here”.
Ever notice how many preverts “home school” their kids? If I were the local DA, I’d be opening an investigation.
What a freak garrison that state is.
Godless Liberal: Have you ever considered New Mexico?
She must look at the Confederate flag and just see arms and legs akimbo … which strangely makes me less offended by it.
El Pinche: That was simply awful.
The only problem with people from South Carolina fucking so much is that they make more people from South Carolina.
Hey, at least her Dutch partners followed the Bible and didn’t spill their seed on the floor. They fill that cum dumpster’s mouth with it.
Religious win!
Inaugurating the month of Slut-tember.
V572625694: AnnieGetYourFun: Heh. “Write what you know.”
El Pinche: That was simply awful.George Oscar Bluth: Wait…Evangelical three way sex with the in-laws? Incest in SC? It stars to make sense.
So another Republican professes family values and doesn’t live by them. So what? They’re dishonest about almost everything else, too … it’s just now that the party that doesn’t promote women to first-tier positions is now getting more second-tier women showing up with the same non-hetero orientation as their first tier men-folk. Remember Lynn Chaney wrote lesbian porn … now this lady turns out to have an obsession with eating hot tuna … (aka ‘dining at the Y) … writing about it in great detail … obviously, she’s been thinking about it for a long time.
thefrontpage: “South Carolina is for Swingers”
Fixed that for ya. You’re welcome.
She has a MILFy fouth.
Baconcat: Good one! Of course, “Ally Sheedy” has to be the ugliest name for an actress, ever.
The hypocrisy of the porn, meh. I’m more pissed off that a woman who homeschools her children was allowed to chair a state board of education. Who’s running the SCDOT…a man who doesn’t drive?
user-of-owls: Unfortunately not a Kristin Maguire quote though, it’s attributed to Stephen Maguire.
Then again, maybe that’s another nom d’Pr0n…
Republican homeschool mom pr0n:
I lay there very still while he finished his business. It seemed to take a very long time, so I began praying quietly to Jesus. I wondered if Jesus had a girlfriend in heaven. I’m sure Jesus would not be so sweaty and take so long. I bet Jesus likes to take long walks holding hands and talk about His feelings, unlike SOME people.
I’m sure the residents of South Carolina can now sleep better in one another’s beds with this woman out of public service.
Maybe Kristin should write for these folks. http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/32630876/ns/today-parenting_and_family/
Jim Bob lowered this throbbing member towards Michelle’s ready snatch. “Am I in?”, he said? “I don’t know”, she replied. “Try moving around a bit.”. Frustrated, Jim Bob replied, “I’m already swinging it around like a stick in a bucket”. Michelle sighed, “ok…just jerk off into the hole like usual. Hopefully this will be number 20.”
When I was a kid, my momma said “Never trust a skinny cook.” Add to that, “Never trust a fundamentalist, Jeebus lovin’, home-schoolin’ porn writer.”
South Carolina…. Seriously, I can’t even come up with words to describe this place.
A governor who secretly leaves the fucking country to cheat on his wife, and then insists that God wants him to stay in office.
A head of the State Dept. of Education who fucking homeschools her own kids.
Same homeschooler wants the kids in public school to learn about abstinence only, and at the same time writes porn on the internet.
There can’t be more…can there?
germansteel: In SC the DA’s are called “solicitors”. Figures.
Georgia is full of real good sex people, doin’ it all the different ways.
And I think I see now why so many of their husbands go gay: no ass fucking in the stories.
I write erotic fiction. I have over 30 books so I guess I look at this in a different light but is this a really big deal. I mean if people on the education board are going to be mad about anything, shouldn’t it be the fact that this chair woman homeschool her kids instead of placing them in the public education system that she works so hard for.
bwill: Torquemada style?
Sorry…I can’t let this be…
I wonder if the state of SC is going to provide counseling for those who “spill their seed” while reading her fiction.
George Oscar Bluth: GOB–isn’t that what they mean by “holy trinity”?
sfstewart: Ah, but it’s also the hypocrisy of trying to cram abstinence only and family values down the throats of other peoples’ kids. I don’t think the non-sex ed she pushed on the board included “not before marriage, unless you’re in Europe” or “only with your spouse, but you can bring along your old college friend and he can introduce his family.” When one woman asked her friend, if she liked sex with women so much, why she wasn’t in a relationship with one, her answer was “Because it’s an abomination before God.”
Nothing particularly illegal happened in the stories, or even particularly objectionable to most people (no anal, no minors, and even the “Thanksgiving” series didn’t involve anybody doing anything to anybody to whom they were related by blood). Except that the author publicly railed against just about every bit of fornication and promiscuity the stories contained, and worked to indoctrinate future generations to think the same way. Publicly denouncing teenaged sex in public while writing a story about a teenager and two strangers on a train in private? Unless there’s a missing ending to that story where she gets knocked up, infected, eternally damned, or anything that wasn’t an all-around pleasurable experience for all characters involved, she got some splainin to do.
Here’s to hoping that she gives up maintaining the airs of being a social conservative, but I think we all know better.
sfstewart: What you say makes a lot of sense, but remember, this is SOUTH CAROLINA we’re talking about.
sfstewart: I mean if people on the education board are going to be mad about anything, shouldn’t it be the fact that this chair woman homeschool her kids instead of placing them in the public education system that she works so hard to undermine.
Fixed it for ya!
(And please direct us to some of your content. You can’t just show up on a thread out of the blue and not be a blogwhore.)
Guppy06:
Okay…besides all that. LOL
mardam422: You’re shittin’ me, right? Of COURSE there can be more!
aleks: I’ll come over…at night!
She needs to spend more time with her teenagers? Yeah right. Any teenager with a modicum of self respect knows to stay the hell away from their parents as much as humanly possible. If you’ve waited until your kid is 13 before you decide to pay attention to them, it’s too late.
Someone finally got wise when they noticed that the job title on Kristin’s business cards said Cum Dumpster. Which is Lindsey Graham’s job, by the way…
the problem child:
Thanks for the fix. lol.I’m sure I meant undermine. lol
What a totally lame resignation letter. Buck up, madame! Your heroine Sarah Palin never let mere family get in the way of HER ambitions.
I’m so confused. Home-schooling abstinence-only right-wing porn consists of incestuous five-ways with lots of girl-on-girl action? Doesn’t that go against like 9879324875029834750928374920394875 biblical scriptures?
the problem child: sfstewart:
Yes, Kristin…I mean, sfstewart…show us your website. I needs me some liberal, heathen erotica, plz.
In the article Wonkette linked, Maguire is claiming that the writing samples are not hers. But then the Gov’s chief of staff was “ensuring they were removed from the Internet”. How do you remove stuff that you didn’t write?
These masterpieces are even being scrubbed from the internet time machine.
I had to read Thanksgiving parts 1, 3 and 4 but use my imagination for part 2.
Anyway in MY part 2 a woman named Kristen and some guys she met on a train joined in and they brought a great dane…
Funny. I did not come her to pimp, just to post. I try never to mix my politics with my anal sex scenes.
damn, did all those South Carolina Republicans undergo a training session on “how to make fools of yourselves?” or are they all part of the same double secret cabal that planted obama’s birth certificate in hawaii?
dougbob: I think when you’re born in South Carolina, the how-to-make-a-fool-of-yourself knowledge is just ingrained. It’s a special gene or something.
Better American Than You: Do you have a machine that does that?
Agreed that she’s a just another Harper Valley hypocrite, yet there’s still something quite appealing about her. I’d gladly trade her for any of the creationist douchebags who have slithered their way onto the Kansas BOE in recent years.
ALIVE!: Also known as Sextember.
NYNYNY: Thank you. WTF does a home-schooler say to get herself appointed to a Board of Education? Oh wait…
sfstewart: I try never to mix my politics with my anal sex scenes.
You would make a terrible Republican.
Another one of her “articles” is entitled “Continental Cuisine.” The mind reels.
liquiddaddy:http://wordsmith.org/anagram/anagram.cgi?anagram=South+Carolina&language=english&t=1000&d=&include=&exclude=&n=&m=&source=adv&a=n&l=n&q=n&k=1
Democratica: Yeah, who did she have to blow to get…oh, never mind.
SC is a complete mess. Long before Sanford’s affair, the #2 guy in the state GOP, some guy named Ravenel, was caught with 2 kilos of coke, and because he was a Repub bigshot, was only charged with possession, not intent to distribute.
Frisky! Wife of the Year was right up there with Penthouse Forum.
My favorite line:
“Paul smiled as he ate. Life didn’t get any better than this, even if Kate was eating his chocolate mousse.”
Is that what the kids are calling it these days?
“And then she pressed up against Jesus’ hard throbbing member, while his teeth nipped lightly at her breasts”
Better American Than You: That anagram list is pure, adultery genius.
nutcracker: C’mon, it not like he was going to sell the cocaine on the street! He was going to pass it as an hors d’oeuvre at the South Carolina Republican Convention’s cocktail hour. (Is two kilos enough for that crowd?)
“Whose cunt is it?”
“It’s your cunt, Paul.”
Wow, does Wonkette say stuff like that in bed?
sfstewart: Umm … i hope your prOn is better than your comment here.
Do you know any fundies? They do not believe in public school, period. They want to close public schools and have the govt. fully fund their own little parochial polygamous pedophilic Young Earth Creationist Jonestowns. It’s called “education vouchers.”
Forgive me if some other poster spotted this gem “reproductive orifice”. That is now part of my lexicon forever, replacing “gush receptacle”, first used/coined as Dave made Gail, aka “the Blackhole”, squeal, loud squeal, like embarassing really loud.
Dear Yahweh,
A funny thing happened this summer at Jesus Camp …
Your cum slut,
Kristin Maguire
Zorg: WRONG! It’s Jesus’ cunt. Just ask the Duggars.
Baconcat: Her Sheedy-nesss is a serious plus for me.
Gopherit: Thanks for the clarification. By the way, you got any phone numbers for Fundie babes like this here Kristin?
facehead: Remember, “Gospels” is “Good News”!!
Crow T. Robot: That’s an unusually attractive photo of her. In other photos she has Bach-maniacal eyes. Don’t know if this link works. If not, do name search on flickr.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/27856365@N07/3841707604/
First draft of Kristen’s resignation letter sent to Governor’s PR office: ““No one warned me that my children would become dirty little cheerleader sluts at the same time that other parents lust after my tight wet clit”
South Carolina
Bob Jones University CREATIVE WRITING COURSE
‘Nuff Said
Gopherit: Well, I guess to her credit she only writes hetero porn about people not going all the way before marriage, or only going all the way after marriage. So she’s only sort of a hypocrite.
Aquannissiwamissoo: Umm … i hope your prOn is better than your comment here.
I was going to say I don’t write porn I write erotica but since your smack talking dumb ass probably wouldn’t know the difference I’ll just tell you to EAT ME!
Any of you reading her charming musings? “My mouth watered in anticipation of being filled with his cum.” Baby needs to get out of the house more!
Gubmint isn’t the answer. Gubmint is the problem! Republicans believe that more than they believe in Jeebus. They get elected just to prove it. So it makes perfect sense to be the secretary of education and to home school your kids. Her job wasn’t to make education better; it was to prove gubmint is the problem. And this is all the liberal supreme court’s fault anyway. If they hadn’t ruled that the Communications Decency Act violated the First Amendment this lady wouldn’t have had the freedom to write internet porn! It’s the liberals fault! They’re gonna bring down Jeebus’ wrath on Amurika.
y’all have purty much sed it all, but jeebus you jes cain’t make this shit up
Mrs B: No, she writes about threesomes and such (she ain’t morman, so that leaves out paligomy).
Continetal Cusine that’s the movie Hitch(cock) should have made.
Caption: I can swallow about this far.
AnnieGetYourFun: Kristin?
This is why these jackoffs homeschool. Mommy what are we learning today? Just watch some TV kids, mommmy is busy writing on the computer.
That’s some real 70’s hair there, lady.
“Thoughts of you were with me this morning, too, after you left so early. Reliving our position during sex last night I propped myself against our headboard, my thighs over yours as you sat facing me. My knees drew up and dropped open as my eyes slid shut and my right hand drifted down my belly seeking out my very wet pussy. I swirled my middle finger in the mouth of my eager cunt. Thoughts of you make me so wet.
Smiling at the thought, I asked you if you would let me masturbate with your cock in me. You seemed pleased, and I tucked my heels around your luscious ass as you seated your cock fully in my slick pussy. The thought of you letting me pleasure myself while your dick throbbed in me was so erotic.
I took my juices to my clit and circled it, looking down to absorb the picture of your cock being swallowed by my pussy lips. Using my left hand to lift my left breast to my mouth, I traced the pink crest of my breast with my tongue before worrying at it with my teeth. It hardened before I drew it fully into my mouth to suck on it.
I enjoyed becoming the decadent image of your insatiable slut. I loved that you were watching me and sharing part of my pleasure. My hot walls contracted around your dick. You saw my skin flush and dampen as my arousal increased.”
I had Tweety-esque ‘tingles up my leg’ until I got to the part of where she said “was so erotic.” Damnit, women, you don’t simply state so bluntly your feelings. It’s like reading the blunt “Peterotica”.
“Oh god, you should have seen this one hot chick. She was totally Italian…or maybe some kind of Spanish…”
Some kind of Spanish, indeed.
Song of FUCKING Solomon!