DUH  9:31 am September 1, 2009

by Jim Newell

Oh garcon? I'll have the penis and eggs.SOME BLOGGER KNOWS BIG SECRET ABOUT GAY FRENCH S.C. LIEUTENANT GOVERNOR ANDRé BAUER: The secret: André Bauer is gay! So says “gay blogger” Mike Rogers, who is famous for secretly “outing” every conservative person anyone has ever suspected of being gay, according to his own anonymous sources. Those gay bloggers! They must have the best legal defense funds. [BlogActive]

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bureaucrap September 1, 2009 at 9:34 am

I’d do him, just to find out what kind of hair care products he uses.

Hart88 September 1, 2009 at 9:36 am

Come on, the guy looks like he could be showing French Poodles at Westminster.

takes12no1 September 1, 2009 at 9:37 am

All I know is he is a prick. Is that the same as liking prick?

ManchuCandidate September 1, 2009 at 9:39 am

You’d think the GOP would learn that deep-in-the-closet self hating types will ruin everything. If they’re out then there’s no issues, really.

Imagine a world where Joe McCarthy would still call everyone a red in the State Dept because Roy Cohn didn’t make him take on Army in revenge for not promoting a male lover of Roy’s.
Imagine a congress in 2006 that was still run by Repubs because Mark Foley/Larry Craig didn’t turn the GOP into a national gay joke.

Er… maybe not. You go girls! Hooray for self-haters!

charlesdegoal September 1, 2009 at 9:39 am

Patently untrue: gay persons have much larger accents aigus, not just a puny é.

magic titty September 1, 2009 at 9:40 am

But still, he was awesome on “Homicide: Life On The Streets”.

Chain Tattoo September 1, 2009 at 9:44 am

Is André Bauer married to Gary Bauer?

Out of the Woodwork September 1, 2009 at 9:45 am

How can we be sure the 40-Year Old Virgin is gay?

bureaucrap September 1, 2009 at 9:46 am

Which reminds me: Is he any relation to Jack Bauer? How about Eddie Bauer?

JadedDIssonance September 1, 2009 at 9:48 am

[re=399436]Chain Tattoo[/re]: I’m pretty sure it was Jack Bauer…

Chain Tattoo September 1, 2009 at 9:51 am

Jaded: That makes sense — with gay marriage illegal in SC, he’d have to marry a fictional character.

FunkyPalmettoBug September 1, 2009 at 9:51 am

I miss my state.

Well, Sanford is fried chicken, and I’m guessing Bauer will retire to spend more time with his chief of staff, so I guess Glenn McConnell will be gov by default.

Serolf Divad September 1, 2009 at 9:52 am

All I know is that any South Carolina GOP official who does not boast at least one illegitimate black child is most likely gay.

Terry September 1, 2009 at 9:54 am

The big old self-hate anti-gay stands these guys make puzzle me. You are gay or you’re not, whatever. You want to keep your personal life private, that’s your choice. Don’t go out and attack people like you who have made different decisions.

Ok, enough being serious.

converse September 1, 2009 at 9:57 am

ANDRe, with one of those pointy thingies at the end? What do you think?

HomoPolitico September 1, 2009 at 9:59 am

I will explain gay republicans for you.

Gheyz like the munny too.

patrickman September 1, 2009 at 10:02 am

Alt-text win

HomoPolitico September 1, 2009 at 10:03 am

[re=399445]Terry[/re]: Gay Republicans explained:

Gheyz like the munnies too!

Hawaiiexpat September 1, 2009 at 10:04 am

Photo caption: Lindsey Graham’s future ex-husband, Andre Bauer.

MOG September 1, 2009 at 10:06 am

Nope, never met a gay guy who would wear that tie!

boatapple September 1, 2009 at 10:06 am

Wow, alt-text at this hour! Thanx Jim.

JadedDIssonance September 1, 2009 at 10:06 am

[re=399452]HomoPolitico[/re]: But but….Cognitive Dissonance!!!

Better American Than You September 1, 2009 at 10:07 am

Dude name “André”? Clearly African-American.

JadedDIssonance September 1, 2009 at 10:08 am

Oh and http://www.fitsnews.com/2009/08/31/sex-education/Looks like Sanford’s Chairwoman of SC Board of Ed (who homeschools) likes writing hard-core erotic fiction & posting on Hawt Singlez Sites!

Bypartizoa September 1, 2009 at 10:08 am

Gay with a capital A

rocktonsammy September 1, 2009 at 10:09 am

I now get the “LOG” CABIN Republican thing.

Shot at Wolf September 1, 2009 at 10:18 am

Add his speeding tickets, his *shady* business deals and his overall demeanor and waddia got? Why, a typical Republican closeted gay, lying bastard. Oh, I mean governor material. Maybe presidential. No, we’re saving that for Sen. DeMented.

An Outhouse September 1, 2009 at 10:26 am

This confirms the secret gay conspiracy to destroy the GOP.

finallyhappy September 1, 2009 at 10:27 am

[re=399457]MOG[/re]: it is part of his disguise.

gurukalehuru September 1, 2009 at 10:30 am

I can take about an hour on the tower of Bauer….

Aardvark Gumbo September 1, 2009 at 10:32 am

Soooo… Mike Rogers’ argument: “I have been right twice before. Therefore I cannot be wrong.” I’m convinced!

the problem child September 1, 2009 at 10:35 am

Note to Wonkette: É = alt + num144

TGY September 1, 2009 at 10:37 am

[re=399457]MOG[/re]: True. It’s a monotie.

norbizness September 1, 2009 at 10:47 am

[re=399432]magic titty[/re]: Pembleton! Watch your blood pressure!

JooJoo Bee September 1, 2009 at 10:48 am

Oh, I dunno. His clothing doesn’t fit all that well. I’m betting it’s off-the-rack.

liquiddaddy September 1, 2009 at 10:52 am

News. George Will: queer

Lascauxcaveman September 1, 2009 at 10:59 am

[re=399492]An Outhouse[/re]: Well, they always say you can do more to change the system by working from within, so why not?

assistant/atlas September 1, 2009 at 11:09 am

“Those gay bloggers! They must have the best legal defense funds.”

Jim, didn’t ya hear? Calling someone gay is no longer defamation since people don’t hate the gheyz as much as they used to. It was a recent ruling, I think it was That-Creepy-Anna-Nicole-Smith-Lawyer Vs. Random-Book-Publisher.

Darkness September 1, 2009 at 11:11 am

[re=399508]the problem child[/re]: É might also be alt-e shift-e, for the fruity computer users among us.

azw88 September 1, 2009 at 11:14 am

[re=399427]takes12no1[/re]: yes, remember that old adage, you are what you eat?

That’s why all the tough guys call me a pussy!

spalding September 1, 2009 at 11:41 am

HomoPolitico, you missed the important part, gay who likes money more than dignity.

Lascauxcaveman September 1, 2009 at 11:43 am

Alt-text: it’s what’s for breakfast!

PlanetWingnuta September 1, 2009 at 11:47 am

azw88: does this make me an asshole and a dick and a little nuts? :)

AbstinenceOnly Ed September 1, 2009 at 11:48 am

Would a straight man have a name that rhymes with On Gay Power?

slowuncle September 1, 2009 at 11:54 am

[re=399499]gurukalehuru[/re]: This situation does indeed call for theme music from Zappa !!

I Am Not Your Gary Busey September 1, 2009 at 11:56 am

OK Y’all, just because he got caught at the last republican governor’s conference with Rick Perry’s dick in his mount doesn’t make him gay! Now had it been Rick in one end and Lindsey Graham in the other we might have to reevaluate. But come on, who else has as pretty hair as he does besides Rick?
If I were at that last republican governor’s conference, and I walked in and saw my tall strapping doppleganger I’d suck his cock too. That’s also assuming I had pretty hair, and that I liked to suck cock, but I digress…

Guppy06 September 1, 2009 at 12:27 pm

[re=399465]JadedDIssonance[/re]: If this SecEd thing is true, that means that South Carolina has two (at least) officials that can actually write smut well enough. You could actually believe these people had interesting sex once in a while. Contrast to Kwame Kilpatrick.

“LOL” indeed.

And seriously, somewhere we need an unabashed smut writer as SecEd. Maybe someone to start a statewide essay-writing competition.

Holy Cow!! September 1, 2009 at 12:40 pm

All I’m going to say is he has a mouth like Hoover.

dijetlo September 1, 2009 at 12:42 pm

[re=399596]AbstinenceOnly Ed[/re]: How could we have missed that?
Gary Bauer=Gay Power
George Bush=Gorge on Tush
Barak Obama=Pack your mama

It’s all so clear to me now. Thank you oh wise man…

[re=399465]JadedDIssonance[/re]: The woman obsessed with stopping teenagers from doing the horizontal samba is secretly a bisexual nymphomaniac well known and respected in the genre of fapatory literature? Are we sure her name is Kristin Maguire? Because after that revelation from Ed, this only makes sense if she’s named “Ivana Rubbit” or something similar.

Country Club Jihadi September 1, 2009 at 12:59 pm

Sure, he’s “Andre” now. But he used to be “Andrew Ridgely” from WHAM!

Lawtalkinguy September 1, 2009 at 1:01 pm

That’s just great. Now Bauer is going to feel compelled to marry some poor, unsuspecting straight woman just to cover himself. I hope Mike Rogers is happy for ruining some poor beard’s life.

Red Zeppelin September 1, 2009 at 1:18 pm

What, just because he has a French name, a spray tan, whitened teeth, perfect hair, and a certain je ne sais crois?

Red Zeppelin September 1, 2009 at 1:19 pm

[re=399757]Red Zeppelin[/re]: Dumbass, je ne sais pas.

qaf September 1, 2009 at 1:35 pm

[re=399557]Darkness[/re]: Am unable to find “alt” key on my Apricot. Please advise.

[re=399760]Red Zeppelin[/re]: He prolly doesn’t have a cross, either.

sezme September 1, 2009 at 2:09 pm

[re=399457]MOG[/re]: Hey’s wearing it as a camp in-joke.

blackdontcrack September 1, 2009 at 2:22 pm

hmmm. maybe i slept with him and didnt realize it? probably.

FunkyPalmettoBug September 1, 2009 at 3:29 pm

This isn’t a joke, but the word in South Carolina is that Sanford leaked the rumor because Bauer called on him to resign. Classy!

BerkeleyFarm September 1, 2009 at 4:28 pm

FunkyPalmettoBug: You know, I could totally see Sanford (or his C Street buddies) doing that. With total plans to swift-boat BloggerBoi as well; two birds, one stone.

I saw last night that the Advocate was publishing that Bauer is gay. I didn’t read the article to see if the blog post was the source.

FunkyPalmettoBug September 1, 2009 at 4:53 pm

[re=400060]BerkeleyFarm[/re]: I also can’t prove, but am hearing that Sanford is threatening to release something on the South Carolina Speaker of the house unless he kills the impeachment investigation on him.

BerkeleyFarm September 1, 2009 at 5:26 pm

[re=400089]FunkyPalmettoBug[/re]: Oh, a little blackmail, huh? Sounds par for the course. The modern-day “LORD’S Anointeds” don’t seem to think that the commandments, or basic rules of human decency, apply to their anointed selves. (CF: Sarah Palin) Anyone interfering with The Vision is sent by Could-It-Be-SATAN?? and should be eliminated by any means possible. The ends totally justify the means.

They’re wrong, of course, and the lies (etc.) will end up landing them in a peck of trouble.

I could, as one of the resident Church Ladies, go on about the importance of trying to discern true “speakings” from false, and make pointed remarks that these people don’t seem to have actually read even the New Testament through because it contains excellent false-prophet-spotting instructions, but for now I’ll just say that when I see some shyster like Sanford or Palin wrapping themselves up in the flag and Jesus like this, I think of the late Bill Hicks singing “Sucking Satan’s pecker”.

In the spirit of the Cohen post, I can put a more literary spin on it and say it’s like Blake’s take on _Paradise Lost_: Milton was an agent for the Other Side.

Starrigavan September 2, 2009 at 1:43 am

André isn’t gay; he’s ghé!

Starrigavan September 2, 2009 at 1:58 am

I say we use the same game plan from 1859-1860. We let the idiots get all riled up. Heck, we can even feed them a little false information, like Obama’s a secret muslim communist Hitler-lover who wants death panels to kill grandma or some other such silliness. And then we let them secede. And then we wait.

And wait.

And wait.

And while we’re waiting we sign a mutual defense pact with Mexico.

And finally, even after they’ve seceded. Even after they’ve created their own wacko (Waco?) utopia, they still won’t be happy. They’ve got to feel oppressed, and sooner or later they’ll make their mistake.

They’ll attack a US military installation. We invade from the north, east and west. Mexico posts troops on the southern border. Two days later we sign an armistice making Austin an autonomous region and giving the rest of the state back to Mexico for 10 years of cheap oil.

Adios Muchachos!

Starrigavan September 2, 2009 at 1:58 am

oops, wrong post lol

LoweredPeninsula September 2, 2009 at 5:56 am

The gay thing will put him on his heels, but that French name will be the nail in the coffin. The only thing Southerners hate more than blacks, women, gays, and Jews are the French, whom they consider to be the gayest of all of the world’s gays.

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