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MEET BABY K. SMITH: Wonkette Editor Sara K. Smith has officially spawned. Secret husband “Dan” writes: “little Charlie was born healthy at 8 lbs 2 oz. Sara is healthy and delivered in 3 or 4 hours without any drugs.” Sara, man, she’s an animal. Congratulations to all!
2:38 PM
on Sat August 29 2009
By
Jim Newell
5695 Views
Wonkette
3 or 4 hours since conception? That’s impressive
Congratulations, Sara and Secret Dan! May your family be blessed for many years to come.
YAY! Congrats!
Congrats…NOW GET BACK TO WORK…We’re missing ya…
Another foot soldier in the war against Communism!
Congrats!
Check out the sweet fauxhawk on lil’ Charlie - future angry libtard protester! Keep us safe from Rand Paul, kid.
Okay…so everyone was at the hospital…that’s why no new article on Peggy’s latest…
Congratulations!
8 pounds?
No drugs?
Sarah, have a drink!
Congrats, what a beautiful love child…
Best wishes and best of health to mother and baby. Must say that young Charlie seems rather unsquished and pink (vs. red) for a newborn. This is the funniest thing I can write, congats!
WTF! I thought liberals were supposed to abort all their babies? Have I been lied to by Red State and Michelle Malkin?
That’s a good looking kid for a newborn! Usually they’re all kinda pink and slimy, and your co-workers shows you the picture and you go “Aw what an angel” but think “Christ what creature spawned this oozing crimson swamp monster” but this Charlie looks like a cute human baby!
no drugs? NO DRUGS?? color me impressed.
Get that young man a netbook and a Wonkette login, stat.
What? How is Sara going to traumatize Charlie with tales of how she suffered through his labor pain? 3 or 4 hours. Feh. That’s not even enough for a decade long guilt trip. Well he’d better ruin her figure then.
Oh yeah, congrats to the new family.
I wonder when the birthers are going to start screeching about whether or not little Charlie was circumcised.
Hurray!
Awww Charlie is beautful. Congrats to the mom, dad, and what one hopes will be his John-Candy-like uncles Jim and Ken.
But sorry to hear you couldn’t cadge any drugs from them. (Were you denied coverage due to your pre-existing condition of being a breeder?)
And this is what I call the perfect weekend post.
Congratulations on your free toaster. Best to you all.
Good to see that somebody sane is breeding.
Only 3 or 4 hours, Sara? A breeding machine or what?
Seriously, congratulations to all. This is great news and he’s cute as hell.
How do we know this baby wasn’t born in Indonesia? WE DEMAND TO SEE A BIRTH CERTIFICATE
Congrats on the anchor baby!
Mazel tov!
Really adorable picture, though I was expecting him to look a little more like this
Beautiful work !!!!!!!! Congratulations!
NEVER say no to drugs. WTF?
Congratulations to the new and improved Smiths! You will love him more every single day. I don’t understand it, but that’s how it works. Even when they’re 16, and think you’re retarded, as the fruit of my loins does now. Sigh.
Just keep that child away from the G.O.P.!
(Group Of Pedophiles)
Aww, what a lovely beginning to your Quiverfull family!
Congrats, Sara and Dan
Can’t think of anything to say but congratulations!!!
Congratulations! I suggest, as a parent of a 19-year-old extremely (and when I say ‘extremely’, I am not kidding) verbal young’un, that you may wish to rethink the whole teaching-him-to-talk thing.
A hearty welcome to baby Charlie, aka Wonkette Snark Baby K Smith. Many congratulations to you and your husband. Oh and you will be missed! Cheers!!!
What a handsome young man. Congratulations, Sarah!
Congratulations! Great thinking on saving the drugs for the teenage years. May your baby always sleep through the night and poop ice cream.
Let’s look back in the archives to see what Miss Sara was writing about 9 months ago.
I’m so glad when people like you breed. Congratulations!!
HOLY CRAP
Today, we are all Sara’s secret husbands. In our hearts.
All hail the new King of Wonkette! and best to Mom and Dad!
Congrats! A male Caucasian - you won’t have to keep the birth certificate in a ziplock! Cute kid, though, 4rlz. Welcome to the parent club.
jagorev: I can tell by the sheet and the diaper tag this is Mombassa General Hospital. He is now a dual Kenyan-American citizen as is Sara, per Kenyan law. She is now eligable to be a member of the Directorate of Public Safety.
Congrats Sara and Dan and he’s a Virgo like me!!
Awesome! Somebody to work and pay my socialism benefits in a couple decades. Get crackin’, kid, and keep your damn government mitts off my military retirement, Social Security and Medicare.
Aw, and Jim even broke out the alt text for the occasion! Congrats Sara on successfully creating a cute new human.
Congrats! We expect it’ll be fed only the very best of liberal breast milk!
Woo Hooo Congrats!!!
Sweet boy! Congrats and good health to all.
Get that kid a beer. Welcome to your first Wonkette weekend Charlie. You’re expected to be slurring by noon and incomprehensible by sundown.
Blessed Be!
Congratulations, K. Smiths!
(Even though your having this baby is a desecration of Trig.)
In my alt universe, we have a saying–”better you than me”. Along with that, may I offer my congrabulations…
Kids grow up so fast. First they are laying there in the crib looking all kyoot, the next thing you know they are graduating from Wonkette U. with a degree in Applied Snark.
Best of everything to the little tot!
This is just wonderful, SKS and “Dan”, congrats. Kan we haz cigarz pls? And may I suggest you put birth announcements in local papers worldwide, cause you never know.
My mother-in-law celebrates my wife’s birthday by whistfully looking at the ceiling and saying xx years ago, I was in s u c h p a i n.
And she already owes the government 35 thousand dollars!
Awwwww. Also.
Yaaah! What a beautiful baby!
OMG!!!!!!! WHAT WAS HIS FIRST TWEET??!?!?!?!!!!ABC!!!123!!!!!!!!!!
Big Daddy Tom: Especially since most newborns look like Gandhi dipped in 40 weight.
Other than that…what a handsome wee bairn. Congratulations.
Just imagine, this baby will have no memories of the Bush Administration.
HOPE, y’all.
Congrats, Sara. Beautiful little critter there. Start saving for his tuition now.
loquaciousmusic: That first post about circumcision was pure troll, wasn’t it? Doesn’t “Hoosiermama” post here?
Pilate: No direct memories. I have a feeling mom and dad will make sure this child is well schooled in the story of 8 Years Of Evil.
C-U-T-E! Thanks for the picture, and get some rest.
Sara K. Smith, I am honored and grateful that you have invited me to your hospital via the interwebs on this, the birth day of your baby. And may your first child be a masculine child.
CthuNHu: Amen.
facehead: It’s usually “Mom” right? I know my mother kept saying that over and over to me so it would be my first word. And it was. Then she felt bad, so she kept repeating “Da-da” to my little brother so that would be his. And to this day, I do get along with my mom better than my Dad and my little brother still calls her “Dad” … so maybe there’s something to that.
PS- Charlie is a good name and unlikely to scar him for life–congratulations on your first good parenting decision!
Just when I think you guys have hit the lowest of lows with your Snarky anti-Americanism, you hit the lowest of lows: posting adorable pictures of innocent newborns. Can LOLKats be far behind? Oh, the humanity.
Oh, alright, mazel tov! Your Stalinesque Obamaganda techniques have worked even on me.
Babies! Yippie! Congrats!
Today we are all Charlie K. Smith.
What a cutey! Wow, roughing it with no drugs in less than 4 hours…wow, my wiff is such a wimp. The first thing she asked (screamed) for was the bloody epidural.
Check out the gunshow going on there!! FI-YA POWER!
Congrats and best wishes.
Since you didn’t use the drugs, can I have them?
looks really healthy!
YAY
Today we are all pink faced human sucklings.
Crankenstank: I was going to say “NO DRUGS, SOUNDS LIKE YOURE READY FOR OBAMACARE!!1″ , but I didn’t to be classy.
….Yet..I just did. Shit!
David Denby will be coming by tomorrow with a bottle of wine and flowers.
congratulations to Sara, the proud Dad, and little Charlie. Best wishes for happiness and good health!
I think that’s a keeper.
Charlie, huh? He doesn’t look Vietnamese . . .
Congrats Sara and Dan!
I for one welcome little Charlie.
Welcome to the world, little one!
awwwlso…that’s a good looking kid…Sara and secret Dan must be mighty proud…
I’m assuming the “no drugs” thing was not by choice and that Wonkette needs to provide better health insurance for its employees. If the public option was available she would have been high as a kite.
Congratulations.
Congratulations SKS and DanKS! When can we expect posts from CharlieKS?
Hurray for Sara and Secret Dan and welcome to the new apple of your (soon to be bleary) eyes. Put the moms-in-law on shift work for the next couple weeks, read all these posts, and know that we miss you and wish you all the blessings of family.
Aww what a cute little guy. Congratulations.
Charlie Smith. Charles Emerson Winchester III Smith. I like it.
Congratulations, Smiths!
Well done, Sara and Dan.
Welcome to the world, Charlie.
Awwww, that’s the cutest! Congrats, y’all.
I’m hungry. I’m wet. I’m TIRED! Me! Me! ME!!1!! WAAAAW!
/snore
3-4 hours? What a lucky bitch. Congratulations to all the participants, and thanks for producing another worker to support the coming Medicare/Medicaid/Social Security debt tsunami.
SKS you said it was going take ’til December to teach CKS how to release the safety on the shotgun. After this August, do you think you can move that up to mid-September?
Mozel tov to you and Secret Dan
If he was born on the 28th, that’s my birthday too (and Goethe’s), which is great. If he was born on the 29th…well the Michael Jackon’s birthday, and there’s a chance Charlie is Jackson’s reincarnation.
He’s lovely.
Was he born into the Secret Cult of Drug-Free Bradley Parents, or some other sect of anti-drug birthage? As a Bradley Mom of an over 9-pounder, I congratulate you on just saying No.
That’ll do, SKS. That’ll do.
8 lbs. 2 oz? Great, another big, fat, dumb brain in the world.
Kidding. Clearly he will be 7 feet tall and very bright. Congrats!
What a cutiepie he is. Mazel Tov! And when he sleeps, you sleep- let someone else do the laundry.
4 hours? Hope you were driving fast between Anchorage and Wasilla.
Congrats…what a beautiful baby!
Best to the whole family.
Oh SKS and Alleged Dan, well done! Congratulations on your handsome little fella.
Congratulations! Now I must return to trying to soothe my 11 week old with colic.
Mazel tov, Sara and “Dan”,
Charlie’s darling little fauxhawk points to a bright future.
congratulations, sks! i’m assuming the middle name is “hussein”?
Man, he’s aggressively cute. That Charlie’s gonna be a lady-killer. Or a gentlemen-killer. Either way. No judgement here.
Epidural blocks are not your enemy… But sadly, I can see this comment thread devolving into something like Maggie Gyllenhaal’s dinner-table monologue in that whack-ass Away We Go.
Hey, congrats on the new lifeform! But? Did you say… NO DRUGS?!? Whew. My
hat’sCoif and Wimple are off to you, m’lady.Secret husband “Dan” will allow you to take one week off before you start the kagels. You’ve earned it baby!
Today, we are all nipple biters.
*burp*
Four hours, eight plus pounds, no drugs. Unbelievable. Way to go Sara and Daddy Dan. Yay!!! Rest up and start waiting for that first chuckle out of little Charlie.
Congratulations Sara and Secret Dan!
No drugs? My god. The boy has a head the size of a NFL player. Sara, you are amazing. Congrats to you and your secret Dan. No drugs? My god.
When labor is that fast, sometimes there’s no time for an epidural…
wow! a custom-made libtard! congratulations! and he already has his left hand up in the internationale salute. neonates of the world unite!
he’s so cute. (’course, i can say that, seeing’s how i don’t have to burp and change him.) looks kenyan, don’t he?
“Rejoice and be glad for the children of the just…. blessed are they which love thee”
– Tobit 13:13,14
just dont feed him any Kool Aid!
We here in the juice raise this tankard in yer honor hoping ye always bask in honor.
That’s a perfectly great looking baby! But I hope you consider Trucknutz as a middle name.
I’m just taking a break from watching Sen. Kennedy’s burial and what do my teary eyes behold but this beautiful baby. Warmest congratulations to the happy family. And if either Sara or Dan gets any Family Leave, please don’t forget to tip your hat to Uncle Teddy, since you have him to thank for it.
WadISay: My brother got a phone call from our mom at 3 a.m. on his 30th birthday just so she could say, “I’m waking you up at the same time you woke me up.” Mothers … they can be such bitches.
Good work. Congradulations. It’s obvious he has the makings a great senator some day.
Awwwwwww. What a beautiful baby.
Happy birth day, Charlie!
Congratulations Sara & Secret Husband Dan xx
But IIII’m having an imaginary affair with Sara! It’s MIIINE!
Now, that’s a fine-looking baby! And to think….he someday may father the child who pulls the plug on Sara.
Sara,
PLEASE live-blog your first diaper change.
And thank goodness we live in an enlightened country that allows both the mother and father paid time off to adjust to their new baby.
No wait, that’s Europe!
That is one high-tech diaper.
WOOOOOOOOOO 1000000000 DRUDGE SIRENS WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
So good!
So wonderful!
So right!
Warmest congratulations! You are beginning a great adventure. Relish every moment of it.
No drugs? Jesus.
Oh. Congrats, y’all.
She’d be dead if she were British.
Sara, you are hardcore! Congrats to you, Secret Dan, and Li’l Charlito.
Awwwwwww congratulations!
Hey! She didn’t look pregnant–was Sarah Palin her birth coach? Oh, that’s right. We didn’t see Sara.
Good for you, doing it hardcore. From personal experience, I know it hurts like a son a bitch.
Oh, about the no drugs thing: Now that’s it’s over? Take every goddam pill that they offer you.
Congratulations to Sara and Secret Daddy and welcome to the world, small “Charlie” person. Everyone is assuming a boy, but Charlotte or Charlene also work. I love ambiguity.
You named him that so you can say, “In what respect, Charlie?” when he asks all those questions like “Why is the sky blue” didn’t you?
Congrats, he looks great
Congratulations and great joy to you all! And wow, I have to agree with mattbolt - that is one cute baby, even compared to any of my now lovely godchildren, who at a similar moment in their brand new lives were just wrinkly and crinkly and bright red, with Peter Lorre eyes. Love the fist jab, too!
CHARLIE IS TEH NAME OF DEM COMMUNISTS IN VIETNAM!!!
Oh, and congratulations, he’s adorable.
Very cute! He’ll be snarking it up in no time.
I see Ken, Jim and Riley as the three wise men bringing the baby gifts of gold, frankensense and trucknutz.
Huzzah!
Rush Limbaugh could not get through his first four lies without drugs, much less four hours of labor.
horray Baby K Smith!
Cool baby!
Wait, does this mean that Sara and Jim AREN’T secret lovers?
When a teabagger says “WAKE UP SHEEPLE” , this will not apply to you for the next few months. Unless you call 3 or 4 hours of sleep a day “sleep.”
Wonkette is going soft. I remember in the good old days of this blog, when we saw a baby, we would suggest that it would be retroactively aborted (what was the the name….Trick…Tripper…whatever). It is just not the same. I am looking for a new anti-family values blog
Aw. Many congratulations.
He’s adorable.
No drugs? What, you think you’re better than us or something? That is one big strapping laddie!
All hail Sara K’s magic vagina!
Crankenstank: i can haz enfamil?
GAWD, those cheeks are delicious! Lovely work SKS! Welcome to the world, Charlie.
I’m not going to congratulate Sara and “Dan” until Andrew Sullivan validates the birth certificate.
Neat! What does it do?
People being courteous, sweet and complimentary on Wonkette. Surely the centre cannot hold and mere anarchy will be loosed upon the world.
Either that, or cute little babies wearing toolbelts just make us feel all mushy and stuff!
Charlie is a great name, BTW. However, my first child’s name will be Alphonse (and I will will him to be a boy, but will use the name regardless of the outcome), for which he will curse me for the rest of his life. This is what happens when you’re a Full Metal Alchemist fan.
Say hello to Charlie - and Good-bye to Sleep as you have known it!
Congratulations!
Congratulations SKS! Did the little tyke say something snarkish when he was born?
“Eww! It was HOT in there!”
I don’t know about being articulate yet, but he does look like he’s “bright and clean and a nice lookin’ guy” in that pic.
Congratulations!
CAVEMAN’S PARENTING ADVICE
(clip and save, tape to fridge)
Talk to your kid (a lot.) Enunciate clearly and use proper grammar, so they grow up with the habit of talking like human a being, not a Sarah Palin voter. Use grown up words and explain what those words mean. Nothing is cooler that having your kids Pre-3 teacher with a master’s degree admit she needs a dictionary to figure out what the hell your kid is talking about.
Get down on the floor with your kid. You will rediscover the Lego genius you lost when you were 12 and decided that kinda stuff wasn’t cool anymore. The kid will do even better.
Get physical. Babies love the “Flying Baby Game” even more than you do (and you will love it quite a bit.)
Exercise is good for junior; even better for you.
That thing about just putting the kid down in a safe place and walking away for 5 minutes, when you’re getting too angry to function? That shit works.
Booze helps too. (For you, not the kid). That five minutes you’re setting him down? Well, it takes about 4 minutes to prepare a really great martini. And about 1 minute to get the kid a sippee cup with some apple juice. Then the two of you can toast to the time when daddy gets home.
Your kid will LOVE it when you sing to them, even if you are a lousy singer. (Or so I’m told; I’m actually a pretty good singer, but what the hey.) The singing will do you at least as much good as it does them.
Kids love to help with the cooking, especially up to the time when they can actually be useful. Then, not so much. But you had a pretty good run there, for while.
Read to them as much as you can stand it, and for G_d’s sake, mix it up. (Sure, they love to hear the same old Hungry Caterpillar shit over and over again, but they like the new stuff pretty well too.) If you’re too fucking bored with what they want to read, then read what YOU want to read; who’s the boss here, anyway? Read them weird shit like Stuart Little and Roald Dahl and Shel Silverstein.
Food is food, don’t get too obsessed with marketing of brands. If it’s good enough for you, it’s good enough for the kid. (Unless you’re a fat, gross slob that lives on cheetos and never bothers to get any exercise. In which case just put the kid up for adoption right now, ’cause you’ll never raise him right.)
TV is okay. But when it becomes the #1 babysitter in the family; you’re kinda fucked. Whatever you’re doing when you abandon the kid there for hours on end in front of the tube probably isn’t as important as raising your kid. (Moran.)
Occasional shame is good for a kid. Tell him when he’s being a total dick. (They get freebies on this when they are still of napping age.)
Tell them exactly what is expected of them. They’ll usually come through.
Congrats - but “spawn” really doesn’t look like a fish or a reptilian, looks like a conceived child to whom you gave birth. Caviar is spawn. Nice looking baby though - lots of hair - good indication baby is healthy when they have that much hair.
I had “Liz Becton” in my office Name Sara’s Baby pool. Crap.
obfuscator: His middle name should be OILYTAINTZ
imissopus: Another foot soldier in the war for communism!
Congratulations!
Extreme congratulations.
Yay!!!!! We’re all uncles!! Wonkles, I mean. And Wonk-aunts.
Congratulations.
Gross!
I mean, Congrats!
Adorable baby! Congratulations to the lucky parents.
Congratulations on your new Deputy Assistant Junior Subeditor Page Intern!
A Ramadan Baby! You know what that means! Congratulations, Sara and Dan. You have an entire army of babysitters here.
james1428@hotmail.com: Sara, PLEASE do not start a mommy blog.
“IN WHAT RESPECT CHARLIE”
I really have to give mad respect for no meds. My daughter was 6 lbs 12 oz…….I thought that was difficult. Until I had my son, who was 10 lbs 10 oz. He was a C-section, of course. Plenty of drugs for that one.
Congratulations on this, your official ticket to Welfare Queendom, that which all liberals aspire to! May you have many more, all by different fathers.
8lbs, 3-4 hours and no drugs? You are clearly made of steel. Congratulations!
after the birth Sara will continue using drugs.
Beautiful.
You can buy anything at Costco.
Well done Sara.
I just placed birth announcements in two Kenyan newspapers.
Last blog post on Friday, went into labor the next day, gave birth in four hours–to your firstborn. You gotta be Irish!
Beautiful baby, heartfelt congratulations to Sara K. and “Dan”, Wonkette commentariat now has a godson.
Mazel Tov!
What a beautiful Hugh Mann baby.
great! another libtard in our ranks. keep them coming sarah. alleged dan you know the drill! we need all the help we can get.
oh…and congratulations….also.
Congrats! What a cutie!
Babies are the best… then they grow up….
But seriously, kids are the greatest thing in life, and the hardest thing you’ll ever have to do.
Long Form Def Certificate: “Epidural blocks are not your enemy… But sadly, I can see this comment thread devolving into something like Maggie Gyllenhaal’s dinner-table monologue in that whack-ass Away We Go.”
I, personally, am a big fan of her dinner table conversation in Donnie Darko….”How exactly does one suck a fuck?”.
Oh, also, congratulations, Smiths! Great baby! Delicious!
(Look at me with the vulgarity. It’s like I brought a dildo to a baby shower. So ashamed.)
rocktonsammy: “Charlie don’t surf!,”
Congrats, he’s beautiful!
When do we find out about Newell’s man-pregnancy?
Of course you could have named him Howard K., because then he might grow up to be this guy:
http://www.museum.tv/archives/etv/S/htmlS/smithhoward/smithhoward.htm
I’d supplement Lascauxcaveman:’s excellent comments. No brainer: breastfeed. When Carlos moves toward real food, don’t mess with stuff in jars. Blend adult food. Treat food (and life) like a great adventure, but don’t obsess on any of it.
Count, when you walk up stairs or play patty-cake.
Ask Charlie questions without always giving him the answers.
Begin allowing autonomy from the beginning. You are training him (and yourself) to let go. Your job is to provide him with diverse opportunities and to direct him toward making his own educated decisions.
Spirituality — and a caring, committed community of others with whom he can share his own spiritual quest — is a good, balancing aspect of life.
You will be amazed at how Charlie will reflect the self you present, your hopes, fears, prejudices, likes and dislikes.
Oh, and you’ll do a great job of parenting. We humans have been doing this for a while now, and it’s worked out fairly well for the most part.
awwww he’s adorable!
This is diaper change we can believe in.
rocktonsammy: Ha ha!
Is that Charlie’s laminated birth certificate attached to his diaper? Looks Hawaiian to me.
All this great parenting advice. You guys should start a website “How to Grow a Libtard”
Without any drugs? Lie. That kid totally looks stoned out of his mind. Of course, it could’ve been the Kennedy funeral on the portable tv at the nurses’ station. His generation just doesn’t get the Kennedy magic, and it shows.
Does this mean Sarah missed her weekly abortion appointment 9 months ago?
CrunchyKnee: Can’t be– I think Dan is a Luo tribesman.
I suddenly respect dear SKS if she was offered drugs and said no. That’s some silly Nancy Reagan shit right there.
Hey, kid. The Comintern salute is made with the right arm. Shape up! And so the long teaching process begins.
SKS, congrats and, like, stuff. But those were 4 hours you could have spent wonking. …. Dang-it, I forgot. Four hours not gobbling pharmaceuticals like they were M&Ms. Never mind.
PS: If you and crypto-dad ever run low, Vitter has an office full of Huggies. Unused, I believe.
PPS: Baby feeding photos? You know the kind.
NYNYNY: “Mombassa” will not appear on the short-form certificate. And there will only be a short-form certificate.
If Dan doesn’t look like Alfred Hitchcock, Sara got some ’splainin’ to do.
Actually, all newborns look like Alfred Hitchcock. The first time they smile at you, which is about 3-4 months, you will melt in a puddle of cuteness that makes the pandalust seen on the pages pale by comparison. Then you have to go back to work.
If there was ever a more important reason to have more libtard kids and kill more olds than this, I’ve never seen it:
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/08/28/AR2009082802109.html?hpid=opinionsbox1
Charlie is beautiful! I wish you all the happiness and health in the world.
Yes, I will not be having any babies.
Sara, have wto for me. The muslins and the church of moran are working every day to out breed us.
Don’t let it happen here!
(Congrats, he’s beautiful, and normally babies just make me tired)
Did he arrive with a Kenyan “gift certicate?” Hiccup. Mazel Tov!
She’s gorgeous even in her Winston Churchill phase. Well done!
And what happened to all the drugs you didn’t take? Are they like, um, around somewhere? And on the subject of drugs, this new mommy says that you can mainline your baby:
http://www.doublex.com/section/kids-parenting/katie-roiphe-my-newborn-narcotic?page=6
Weird, huh?
Can we comment on anything besides the new baby yet?
Muntadhar el-Zeidi will get out of jail on Sept. 14th, having served 9 months. Congratulations, shoe guy!
Just remember, it takes an army of Wonkette blog commentators to raise a child.
Congrats to all and welcome to the world Charlie…
Lascauxcaveman: “Read them weird shit like Stuart Little and Roald Dahl and Shel Silverstein.”
WHAT the FUCK do you mean, “weird shit”?!?
“Stuart Little” was the BEST. The book, though, with the Garth Williams drawings. Not the movie.
Garth Williams. GENIUS. “Charlotte’s Web.” “The Rescuers.” “A Cricket in Times Square.” And on top of that, his “A Rabbbit Wedding” was pulled of library shelves in the South because he drew a BLACK rabbit marrying a white one. (The union produced a “buck” named Hoppy Obama, but that’s another story.)
Who/want are you going to slag next, you trog? “Christopher Robin,” with the Shepard line drawings? (Not the Disney-dreck version.)
:::Grumble:::
Sara: Senator Vitter’s office called. He wants his diaper back. Sorry, Charlie.
Neilist: When’s the last time you read “Stuart Little”? It’s pretty weird shit.
Weird is good; this is what I’m saying.
And I’m such a big EB White fan, my kids have been read to from, “The Essays of EB White,” “One Man’s Meat,” “The Letters of EB White,” “Here is New York” etc, etc.
In other national news:
http://www.reuters.com/article/vcCandidateFeed7/idUSN30406020
Cheney says cooperation with CIA probe “will depend”.
Sun Aug 30, 2009 1:22pm
Will depend on how many muslim orphans he’s allowed to water board.
******
Lascauxcaveman:
Those also the instructions given to the guards at the Rura Penthe penal colony.
Enough happy news!!
Have you all forgotten that Michael Jackson and Ted Kennedy are still dead???
You rock SKS! Congrats to everyone.
Too lazy to read thread to see if this has been suggested but it’d be really great if Charlie’s middle name was “ALSO”.
In all caps, also.
Congrats, Sara and Dan! He looks adorable.
Wow, another Wonketteer. Congrats to the Smith family, if indeed that is your real names! No drugs, SKS? I stand in awe of your pain threshold!
Good Heavens, people!
I pop off for a late-winter ski(booze) weekend, and
1) there’s a baby here when I return and
2) apparently Herr Comrade O’Bama used the global distraction of this alleged baby’s alleged ‘birth’ to seize control of the Japanese government?!
I DEMAND paternal and maternal DNA tests - and I swear on a stack of €500 notes that I am (probably) NOT the father… if fact, I blame Newell or one of his multiple personalities (’Glenn’, ‘Dan’, and the like)…
Congratulations SKS, secret D and Little C.
obfuscator: Khussein, spelled with a Kh…
Whiskeybaby: Jim even broke out the alt text for the occasion!
Yeah, about that…Charlie being a boy and all suggests that something other than the capital gains tax was cut.
Of course congratulations! Much health & happiness to your family.
Congratulations. He looks delicious
Oh hell to the no: Excuse me sir/madam! Sister Sara supposedly gave birth without the benefit of pain killing drugs. The LEAST you could do is endure the pain of reading the entire thread.
Congratulations.
But Chuck Smith? Cops are going to think he’s lying to them, store clerks are going think his ID is fake when he buys booze, hotel clerks are going to think he’s using an alias, and all the hipsters are going to yawn when they meet him. There are many more trendy names to use, like Brooklyn, Austin, Dexter, Duke, Hopper, Hudson, Kingston, Lennon, Leopold, Levi, Magnus, Milo, Orson, Roman, Rufus, Sebastian, Sullivan, or Theo, according to the internets.
Charlie? All the cool names taken?
Dakota, Colt, Hussein, Jordon, Adian, Ian, Conner, “Dan,” River, Scout,Trig,Jordan, Gummy Sue,Caleb,Dillon,Riley, Devin, Haydon,Chase,Logan,Taylor or Ethan not good enough for you elite socialists?
Charlie is a cute name when they’re little, oh its a cute name when they’re older too.
He’s even cuter than Trig!
Wait, Charlie? As in “Manson?”
Little Charlie looks adorable. Congrats to SKS and secret Dan.
Oh, that’s so great! Congratulations!
And also a round of applause for a weekend thread that didn’t degenerate into a truther debate, huh? Huh? Whoo-hoo! Yow!
Lascauxcaveman:
Really excellent advice.
I will add a few things.
1. Your child will probably roll down the stairs or fall off the bed at some point. You are not the worst mother in the world when this happens. Plus, they bounce when they are young.
2. Resist the urge to put yellow socks on your son because it matches the blue and yellow in his cute overalls. 12 years after the fact, I am still getting shit for this one.
3. Sometimes, it’s really OK to stuff a bottle in their mouths to shut them up.
4. Always, always answer their questions. Tell the truth when you can.
5. Travel with your children. Start when they are very young…and make it a habit as they grow up. Take them to places exotic and mundane. They (and you) will have great memories.
6. You can never say “I love you”, enough.
rocktonsammy: Colt? It’s a little early to be locking him into a career as a porn star. I was hoping for Athabasca Tutwiler Smith, but Charlie’ll do.
We haven’t even gotton to names like Track, Bristol, Palin, Piper, Willow, Trig and Tripp. Sara and “Dan”, you’re just not trying!
Guess someone took the celebration of an Obama victory a little too far. congrats on the new cutie!
Congratulations, SKS and Dan. Don’t forget to mail Charlie’s Kenyan Birth Certificate to the State of Hawaii authorities. He’s going to need it in about 46 years.
I can’t believe the little critter is more than 24 hours old and nobody’s Blingeed him yet. Well this’ll fix that:
http://blingee.com/blingee/view/98081927-Charlie-K-Smith
TimeCubist: *cough* gay abortion *cough*…. so ixnay on the “man-pregnancy” talk… Newell’s not ready to talk about it until the movie deal’s signed…
Lascauxcaveman:
re: Talking to your kid: just make sure to do it in 1) Spanish 2) Chinese and 3) Arabic in that order, because by the time li’ Charlie gets to school, English will be passe. Felicidades Smith Family! He is beautiful.
Whoa. Dude can fit some major turcknutz in those pants.
SayItWithWookies: awww…you put an angel on his shoulder, cute! (and a green bumblebee wearing a bow, in honor of Irish apiarists?)
Isn’t that baby giving Obama Knuckles in that photo?
Congrats SKS. Where was Cheney!
There’s a labor day joke in here somewhere, but I ain’t tellin’ it.
Congratulations. Keep up the good work.
Rumproast: It took over 12 hours of posts for me to see the words “BERF CERTIVICATE” what is this group devolving into with the picture of a cute lil baby, you are all pussies. WHER IZ THAT CUTE LITTLE CHARLIE’S ADORABALE BERF CERTIVICATE? THIS COULD BE SOME MUSIN KENYAN PRINCE WE LOOKING AT!
Congratulations you two Marxists!
TMZ confirms the boys name is Newell.
Huzzah! Congratulations to Sara and Secret Dan!
Holding Out for a Hero: Excellent.
RoscoePColtraine:
Let’s try again…
RoscoePColtraine: I’m a classy lady, dammit!
Also, I know y’all are in the middle of heralding the birth of The Next Great White Hope/The Only Person Who Will Be Able To Stop Trig Palin’s Ascention To Overlord of America In ‘58, but I feel the need to point out a few inconsistencies in this “Charlie K. Smith” timeline/story
- Former-intern Julie has been missing an awful lot during the same time Sara K. Smith was supposedly pregnant. Actually, she wasn’t even with Wonkette for some time before then.
- The “newborn” just goes by “Charlie”, sharing a suffix with an unnamed Wonkette editor. Sara K. Smith would mandate her spawn always be refered to by it’s first name, middle initial, last name. Always.
- You can’t tell Sara K. Smith is pregnant in any headshots taken this year. Including several taken last week.
- Charlie “ALSO” Smith looks a bit large, doesn’t look like a wet chicken and is generally super cute, all indicating he’s much older than a super-newby-newborn.
- None of the Wonkette commenters seemed to have known Sara K. Smith was pregnant until this birth announcement, even though a number of them report reading her posts daily.
- Sara K. Smith, supposedly in labor, insisted on liveblogging the entire Kennedy memorial, even though most doctors would say that it is extremely dangerous to expose liberal babies to cable news so soon after birth and would advise that the intern should probably be forced to do it.
- All evidence of this live blog and her labor have conveniently been erased by Wonkette and, although there is evidence of comments being made on Wonkette about the funeral, Ken Layne refused to provide any evidence that anyone on staff was sober at any point since Friday evening.
- Even “Secret Dan” was suprised to find out Sara K. Smith was pregnant, especially since she claimed she was going for a walk to reflect on Ted Kennedy’s passing and returned a few hours later with a baby.
- “Secret Dan” can’t be reached for comment but neither can “Jim Newell”. Maybe this doesn’t mean anything but it looks suspicious.
Here’s what I’m thinking:
“Charlie” is really Jim and Julie’s kid and Julie was only brought back to Wonkette as party of a John-Edwardsesque deal she made with Newell, to keep this shit quiet. However, after realizing that any hope of healthcare reform died with Ted Kennedy, Sara K. Smith told Layne, “I’m tired of this shit and need to peace the fuck out of Amurka for a few months.” Layne said, “Hell, no, you’re not going anywhere as long as Orly Taitz and Michele Bachmann are still allowed on the teevee!” Sara K. Smith then blackmailed Ken Layne by threatening to expose Jim ‘n’ Julie scandal to US Weekly spin-off, Politco if he didn’t give her time off. Layne said, “fine, you can take time off but you also to allow us to explain why this baby is going to be in the office a lot by saying it’s yours.” Sara K. Smith shook on it after Layne promised she’d be crowned Labor Maverick hero in the story after going through FIVE AND A HALF hours of labor without any medication. Done.
Oh, and “Secret/Mystery/Hidden/Classified Dan”? None other than Rick Santrum’s queer Public Outreach(around) Director, Dan Savage, who’s been crashing with Sara K. Smith until he’s able to sort of some mess with The Family about making him pay full membership dues even though he doesn’t live in the DC area.
Or Sara K. Smith had a baby and named it Charlie, as a tribute to Dulé Hill’s character on the West Wing and we all didn’t know because we’re uncaring commentor’s who don’t see our editors as people with lives that involve actual sex and not sex jokes.
But if you believe that I’ve got a black man who is an natural-born, openly-not-secret-muslin-terrorist-Real Amurkin, yet born on an island in the middle of an ocean and, also, who is articulate and clean and who not only does not openly profess to wanting to “kill whitey” probably doesn’t want to kill most white people and has tons of white friends, who you might be interested in endorsing for president in ‘12.
Andrew Sullivan concurs with everything I wrote, also.
Congrats on the paid vacation, Sara K. Smith!
hockeymom: It’s a cherub, dammit! Cherubs are whimsical, while angels are taken seriously by far too many people. And I don’t understand the bumblebee either, but it was the cutest bow I could find. And since cuteness is antithetical to the very core of my being, it couldn’t help but be sort of a hash.
SayItWithWookies: ftw
Babies rock! Congrats. Three words of advice for the parents: Chris Van Allsburg (”The Z Was Zapped” . . . best ABC book ever . . . ).
Behold, our new Dark Socialist Lord of the Smith.
Congratulations! Now, where’s my cigar?
Oh hell to the no: Are you drunk?
Can you pass that bottle to me?
Thanks!!!
So, the kid looks pretty wired (electrically, I mean). Did you already have the iPod surgically installed?
How about a picture with a baby-sized Riley Top Hat? And maybe suspenders as well.
God Bless both of you and Charlie and your loved ones! I wish you many years of joy and fulfillment. Our own son just graduated from Ohio State U today. Twenty-five hard years in a newsroom (by me) helped get him there, as did my wife’s career and all the parenting stuff. It can be done!
WickedWitch: sort of. I am sleep deprived because someone in my neighborhood moved in yesterday and had a dog they kept outside all night which barked and wimpered all night long and morning. And animal control isn’t open on weekends where I am. I just figured out which house it was (almost 2 blocks away) so I can call 911 if it happens tonight. And I was already low on sleep.
So, after rambling on there, it’s pretty obvious I’m fucking hammered.
Sorry.
Wow, Sara, I hope you’re getting a special Baby Book for all these tasteful greetings and advice columns. And Wookie’s Blingee can be the cover! You’ll probably have to add footnotes, however. Some day Charlie’s intended will look at it and want to know who Orly Taitz and Liz Becton are.
SayItWithWookies: First-class Blingee!! You’re an artiste. It’s as good as the Blingee Mausoleum from a few months ago.
Congrats.
Congratulations, but Oh hell to the no: : No internet nephew of mine is going through life with the middle name of ALSO. It’ll be Trucknutz, that’s tradition.
Charlie Trucknutz…think about it Secret Dan…wouldn’t that have made you imminently cool in high school?
Suzie: “What’s your middle name?”
Chuck the Stud: “Trucknutz, wanna see?”
He’ll get some serious play, I guarantee.
As for parenting advice, don’t listen to that bullshit.
Read ‘em a book!
There’s free porn on the internet, why the hell would I read a book?
Here, let me help you crazy kids out.
As my grandfather explained to me one day as we were defending the homestead from marauding pilgrims, (he was Indian-feather not dot). You spend the first year of your childs life teaching them to walk and talk.
The next seventeen telling them to sit the fuck down and shut the hell up.
That’s why all my children (and they are an unruly multitude) only speak Mandarin Chinese. I don’t speak Mandarin Chinese and therefore none of them are upset that I ignore them. They think it’s natural, they don’t understand me either so what’s the point in yelling at each other?
Also, when the wife asks you “Do you know what your son just said to me ?!?!?!”
You can look her in the face and answer, “Goddamn, woman, I can hardly understand you and you’re asking me if I sabe that jabbering malcontent over there? We got like, forty kids, are your sure that’s one of ours ? He looks like your sisters kid, I’ll drive him over there and toss him out on the curb if he’s pissing you off.”
Think about that too, Secret Dan. (the Mandarin Chinese idea, the forty kids was admittedly a mistake that I don’t encourage you repeat).
Glurg.
Congrats to SKS and SD! Glorious tidings to Charlie Butterstick K. Smith.
Jukesgrrl: Aw, shucks. All it takes is cut-and-paste skills and an shocking lack of taste, but thanks.
I will perform a bovine bourbon blessing immediately.
Congratulations.
Good Monday Morning Wonketters!
This is quite off-topic, but I hear - oh… yes, I almost forgot… Hail Baby!… I hear from a friend in California that within an hour or two, the fires around Los Angeles are going to burn-out the broadcast television transmitter towers…
So, how soon do you think the inevitable riot will begin & how long will it last?; Or conversely, how many area households will ignore or fail to notice the situation, due to their near-exclusive use of cable television and/or internet porn?
Support your answer with complete sentences, correct grammar and well-reasoned arguments.
Neatness counts, so your handwriting also will be evaluated. Please show all work. You have 45 minutes.
Is that an Ipod on his waist? If so, is he getting anything for the product placement?
Don’t listen to anyone who says that you should potty train him as soon as possible. As I vividly recall, my father touched my butthole, that’s why I’m a successful blogger and extraordinary pot smoker also alcoholic.
Sarah: 3 to 4 hours labor, no drugs… That’s gotta be a zen thing?
Both of you: Congratulations.
Charlie is dreaming of Magic Mountain already. You go, baby!
Did I say Magic Mountain? I meant Candy Mountain. Watch those kidney’s kid…
Congrats kids!!
Careful with the libtard stuff around the baby.. Don’t want to end up with another Alex P. Keaton.
http://www.boston.com/news/globe/ideas/brainiac/keaton.jpg
Sara K., I actually got off my ass and registered to wish you well. God bless and keep.
Pilate: Just imagine, this baby will have no memories of the Bush Administration.
Or driving a car that burns regular…
I’m a bit late to this party, but congratulations and happy birth-day!
Bearbloke: Bah — there won’t be riots. The fire’s in what, Rancho Palos Verdes? That’s all white people. Nevertheless, Schwarzeneggar will blame this on the Democrats.
SayItWithWookies: White people don’t riot? Tsk, tsk - where did you get that stereotyped idea, Stormfront? Maybe try digging a little deeper, next time… or perhaps you should come to a footy match with me someday…
Bearbloke: Stormfront? Yeah, that’s right, I’m a nazi. Jesus fucking christ.
Bearbloke: Kindly go fuck yourself. And make it hurt. And if anyone would like to compare me to a nazi again, do it to my face. I live at 600 West 31st Street in Richmond, VA, and please come along and do that. I would love to have a brisk exchange of opinions.
Ha! It guess isn’t a proper Wonkette comment thread unless it devolves into a nazi flame war.
Bearbloke: SayItWithWookies: Are you two trying to get an invitation to have a beer together at the White House?
Whew! Back OT. Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww……
hoosiermama: Well, not yet.
Lascauxcaveman: All good advice. I will add (although someone probably has already): it is much easier to teach and enforce a “touch gently” policy than a “no touch” policy.
Sara is healthy and delivered in 3 or 4 hours without any drugs. And what drugs did the dad need?
Congrats to SKS.
Levi Johnston will be on the View tomorrow to discuss his thoughts on the matter.
Congratulations - although I do question the wisdom of naming a child after the Florida Governor.
SayItWithWookies: Bearbloke: Not getting involved in this one. Still think 9/11 was an inside job, though.
Oh hell to the no: That was insane and probably the truest thing written on the interwebs, ever. Bravo!
Beautiful!!!11
I don’t see a birth certificate!!!11!!
Long form only, please.
Lascauxcaveman:
Nice advice.
Will you adopt me?
Charlie bit me!
Phew. I thought Baby K was going to bare a disturbing resemblence to former soon-to-be Palin son-in-law Levi Johnston…
No snark here - congratulations! He looks beautiful.
Congrats Sara and Secret Dan. Baby K. Smith is gorgeous…I mean handsome. anyway you’ve done good. Now comes the hard part.
geesh, that thing’s cute
Welcome to the world Charlie! Hope you have a good insurance plan.
Late to the congratulations party, but yay! Babies! He’s also way better looking than most newborns. Perfect genes?
No drugs? I’m impressed. Of course, as I write this, I have an infected tooth and am gobbling Vicodin at a Limbaughian pace.
Once again, I step out to go to the dentist and all hell breaks loose here.
This is what I get for not checking Wonkette over the weekend. Congrats to the new parents! He is cute enough that most of the comments forgot to snark, so that’s saying something. And as much as I hope that you enjoy maternity leave, come back soon, because we miss you.
Congratulations Sara.
Does this now qualify as a preexisting condition so the birth of a second one won’t be covered?
Well done, Sara!
Congratulations, Sara! All the more reason for comprehensive health care to pass. Them l’il critters like going to doctors. Keep up the good work.
Congratulations Sara. Also.
Red meat from day one is the way to go. I’ll go get him a steak knife…
Is it true that the baby is named Prell Buick Dagger Smith?
Are those old family names?
Sara, Dan and baby Charlie:
I’m late-late-late to the cascade of best wishes, but please accept mine. New life, new hope, and the world through the eyes of a wee innocent is a shining wonder. You’ve gotten some very sound advice, amidst all the good-natured customary Wonkette snark, from some of the most established and venerated of the commentators here, so take it all in the spirit in which it’s been offered.
May you all thrive.
Sorry to be late to the party, but I was out getting rained on in the Rain Forrest, of all place, for the weekend.
Congratulations! So nice to hear something so joyful on this blog. And to be able to use the word “diaper” non-ironically.
However, I am surprised, doesn’t Wonkette enforce a steralization policy? Surely we do not have to worry about Jim breeding, do we?
Congrats to Sara and Dan, and welcome to baby Charlie!
*coos over baby*
*hands a spit cloth and some eatable-with-one-hand food to parents*
(Four hours, med-free? Mazel tov. She’ll never compete in the Mommy Wars, Birth Horror Story Division, that way, but it’s just as well.
)
Where is the picture of secret husband “Dan” nursing?
Congratulations Smith family on your dashingly handsome new pink thing! Charlie’s only a couple days old, and his Internet army already boasts nearly 300 devoted troops.
We are Snarka!
Welcome to the World, young Wonketteer Charlie!
Congratulations Sara and Secret Dan.
OK, enough of this sentimental stuff- Back to work! Snark never sleeps…
(Sorry for such a late post- It’s the U.S. Aussie time zone thingy, also.)
Way on down the list here, but: congratulations. Awesome. Well done. And good luck! Thanks for being our editor!
Also, Charlie looks like a beautiful kid. Also.
(Figure I can’t get banhammered on a babbie thread, right?)