Wonkette
YOUR OBESE BRAIN IS NOT VERY ATTRACTIVE: Ignore our remarks about bacon, stop eating raw cookie dough, and get on John Mackey’s nutrient-dense, organic dick-bag diet: obese people have “severe brain degeneration.” Obese people’s brains are not only withered and weird; they also look older, so if you are at all vain about your brain’s appearance you will definitely not want to become obese. [LiveScience]
But as an act of public service, you’d be good eatin’!
Which explains modern Conservatism, if you think about it.
Suck on it Reuben! (”It” being a paintbrush made out of beef jerky.)
On the other hand, fat people are soft and comfy and are like waterbeds to sleep on. Also, obese sex is all about doggystyle because, I mean, what else is possible?
MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBSSSSSSSSSSSS!!
Is this why fatties are so jolly?
heh, “become”.
Tommmcatt:
Sadly, you’re right.
I can’t wait for the Wingtards to start shrieking about how science is political. Oh wait, they already do.
I would like to go on record and say that it is not necessary to be obese to achieve a withered and weird brain.
Ban high fructose corn syrup.
the end.
I’m not worried how my brain looks because I never take off my skull. Even when I swim.
Beauty and brains should NOT go together. And by ‘beauty’ I mean ’skinny.’
Can’t you just see this guy all shouty and redfaced holding a “NO!” sign?
Norbert: AM radio is the Double Down Sandwich of the brain.
Oh sure, now you’ll dump me for some skinny chick whose brain looks young and supple. Bastard!
If I send money (AR$), will Wonkette promise to never post that pic again?
I think this is the Rosetta Stone that connects “Hot Beef Injection” and “Fucked My Brains Out.”
On the bright side for the dumbs, I hear that smooth cerebral cortices are going to be the new trend in fall fashion. Convolutions are so fifteen minutes ago.
Mmmmm. Dickbags. Mmmmm.
Hey, I might not know much about bacon, but I know what I like.
My brain is very thin, by the way.
If he was just clean shaven, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a human that looked more like a snowman than this guy.
Obesity…reduces sexual activity.
This is some break-through shit, bro.
My brain is as shiny and smooth as the day I was born!
Would anyone rather be a bit smarter when they hit 80 but have to give up bacon until then? That’s what I thought.
So. Our survival as the land of the freeps and home of the ‘fraids is entirely dependent on exporting as many fast-food(sic) franchises at light speed to every other country on the globe before they wise up?
This is clearly wrong. WadISay: I weigh 150 pounds and STILL have experienced a vast reduction of sexual activity. Therefore— bullshit.
WadISay: Sexual activity reduces obesity, one might posit. Further research required.
hiphophitler: Frosty or the shitty, dirty, melty ones made by poors in Appalachia?
Security at townhalls will now be armed with cheese-stuffed weaved bacon in order to succumb rowdy fat slob deathers with AR-15s.
hiphophitler: I think the beard is to hide his double chin…or perhaps to distract from his receding hairline. He seems to know all the secrets for looking your best…
I just went to a Britney Spears concert (free tix) and there was a seriously obese family there. They walked around as if in a stupor, with their glistening bottom lips just hanging there. They couldn’t even figure out how to stand in line, like basic social protocol seemed to elude them.
In other news hair has been outlawed by the Geneva Convention (oh them). Any possible activity or surface that is not smooth and streamlined has similarly been outlawed. Edginess is so 20th century. Footnote: see antidepressants, Ted Kennedy, park designs, ‘mobs,’ and cognitive processes.
And. Also. There is now an established linear relationship between expanding panniculi and withering cortices. Is there a corollary inverse function, you know, for withering panniculi? just wondering. also.
shortsshortsshorts:
I have thin married friends who bitch about the lack of action but that’s just kids, school, work, etc.
Obesity really just ruins the moment when there is a possibility of getting some.
Maybe I’m wrong, but despite what CBS says there isn’t an army of hot women who like to sleep with fat guys (although I see it more the other way, skinny guys with fat women.)
So Leonard Nimoy enjoys photographing severe brain degeneratives.
Does this mean it’s no longer un-PC to hate on fat people?
The Olds and The Fats are what makes America great!
Tommmcatt: especially the Southern variety.
ManchuCandidate: Ha ha! Money changes everything.
I think everyone should publicly excoriate the fats as much as possible. Talk about how disgusting they are when they try to go jogging, point at them when they dance, talk loudly about how stupid they all are. Really, we should make them not want to leave their houses, especially the women, so no one has to look at them. The real problem with fat people is that they aren’t publicly shamed enough.
So there is a relationship between fat and stupid? Who knew?
the prophet of Deseret:
That and the smell.
What? What’d I say?
ManchuCandidate: The bigger the waistband, the deeper the quicksand.
…BRAAAAAINSSSS!
That explains Texas…
So THAT’S what happened during the primaries. Mark Penn’s brain took on the appearance of Robert Byrd’s.
All us fats are just waiting for Armageddon, so we can watch teh thins wither away and die, while we melt slowly into super models. heh.
Neuroscience says that the anterior cingulate regulates the limbic system (lower brain) from the cerebral cortex. Therefore, the stronger the anterior cingulate, the more logical and integrated one’s thoughts are with one’s emotions.
Now imagine the above subject at an all-day Chinese buffet. Which do you think is gonna win, the logical center or the emotional?
Repeat experiment for wingtards with pics of chicks in bikinis with Uzis.
BRB–can’t read the comments now because I’ve got to toss the bag of bite sized candy bars into the dumpster.
ManchuCandidate: Ah yes… you speak of the “Bear— Little Otter” theory. Some of the womenz can’t keep their hands off a fat, balding lunatic. I believe this is involuntary— that the lard sucks in their hands and prevents them from escape. This is, again, just a theory.
“Obese people had lost brain tissue in the frontal and temporal lobes, areas of the brain critical for planning and memory, and in the anterior cingulate gyrus (attention and executive functions), hippocampus (long-term memory) and basal ganglia (movement)”
Well that would explain why the wingnutz can’t seem to remember anything that happened between 1/20/00 and 1/20/09 except 9/11. And only then because it was on the teevee all the fucking time and now n00bama wants to turn it into a day of sacrificing Christian fetuses to the Muslin Moon-God.
the prophet of Deseret: And also, let’s create reality TeeVee Dating shows for The Fats. But instead of affirming positive lifestyle choices, let’s focus on their bigg butts and closeup on their eatings.
shortsshortsshorts: I hear Obesity also shrinks yer peen.
JadedDIssonance: There is no proof of that. Fat people can’t even see their peen to contribute information to your findings.
El Pinche:
Hard to imagine anyone actually being able to hide a pistol from prison guards in their own folds of fat, but there it is, right there in Tejas:
http://www.nbc-2.com/Global/story.asp?S=10860548
And I’m getting damned sick and tired of all those fats in the electric shopping carts with handicapped parking stickers when their only handicap is tire tracks on their collops from when they ran themselves over with the aforementioned electric shopping cart, which they were driving at the same time they ran themselves over…
Weren’t the people in Idiotcracy fat? Ruh Roh.
Brings a whole new meaning to the term “fathead”.
But…but…I was just going to order me some of this! NOM NOM NOM.
Damn! This: http://www.thinkgeek.com/stuff/41/squeez-bacon.html
Everyone seems to think the correlation means that getting fat makes you dumb. I think it’s more likely being dumb leads to becoming fat. Anyone actually read the original paper to find out if causality was determined by the study?
I sense a rising prejudice against lazy, grease-eating piggy people. I hope to God this is not true, and that slothful, porcine, gluttons do not indeed become the voluntary Dagos, Polacks, or Bachmanns of our generation.
Accordion-o-rama:
I am way too fat to understand all those big words.
Jim89048: Now prison guards now have to check folds of fat…sounds like another reality show for TLC.
Thank God I can only afford to eat once a day!
Does this also explain why fatties are more religious?
As a fat and a librul, eye half know idear why being phat wood effect my brian, also.
Not 27 minutes before, our dear Wonkette posts this:
http://wonkabout.com/410744/bacon-will-make-everything-better/?from=wonkette_post
Is the left hand bothering to check on the right while it jacks ya?
It was a double-blind study, too. One clinic was testing for stupidity, and another for obesity, and the needles of both camps landed on Mississippi.
Tommmcatt: Truly, you took the words from my mouth!
CorkPopper: Pig shit in a bottle. What will they think of next?!!
When are the death panels going to encourage cannibalism? I looking for some good fatty white meat to complement my hobo beans?
Don’t feel bad, its like killing an inferior species of animal like a dolphin or something.
Dear The Wonkette,
I love it when you trot out the Golden Oldies. Here’s to you.
http://img.ffffound.com/static-data/assets/6/503340700b3dc171370eef1a02dba586ff42cb4d_m.jpg
Chuckie Jesus