Wonkette
- ROSS DOUTHAT IS A FILM CRITIC: Hey, anybody want to see the new Judd Apatow movie about awful Adam Sandler saying unfunny things to “liked him better when he was fat” Seth Rogen and also Leslie Mann? No? Go with that impulse, because apparently Funny People is a morality play about America in which people are punished for their sins. And that is why Ross Douthat uses this film for masturbation material rather than using normal pornography, because porn would be cheating. [New York Times]
Did the Times threaten to drown Douthat’s puppy in order to keep him under 10,000 words?
http://www.newsmeat.com/celebrity_political_donations/Judd_Apatow.php
Proving again that Ross is an intolerable, know-nothing fuckwad.
Are we back to designating movies as Constard or Librul, now?
I preferred the old fashioned way when they were called shitty or good movies.
If only the editorial columnist industry were like the film industry, where bomb after bomb generally results in the drying up of opportunities for the director/producer. Unfortunately, in the editorial columnist industry, success is not measured in lack of demonstrable factual errors or superior reasoning, but rather by hit counts.
Sitetmeter doesn’t differentiate between people coming over to learn something important and people coming over to gawk at the stupidest fucking column since Jonah Goldberg penned that 800-word paean to Chocolate Cool Whip. After all, unless we’re cinemasochists or developmentally disabled 12-year-olds, we’re not running out to see a demonstrably shitty movie like (insert your choice here).
There is no such thing as a funny wingnut…unless you mean “funny” as in retarded. Then, well yeah, OK, I can see it.
Douhat could have saved a lot of trees with that porn is cheating article if he wrote:
“If you’re beat’n, you’re cheat’n!!”
At the end of the article, it says, “Roger Cohen is on vacation.” Is that the Times’ version of an apology?
norbizness: “… we’re not running out to see a demonstrably shitty movie like (insert your choice here).”
Freddy Got Fingered?
“No contemporary figure has done more than Apatow, the 41-year-old auteur of gross-out comedies, to rebrand social conservatism for a younger generation that associates it primarily with priggishness and puritanism.”
Is this criticism or a compliment? Isn’t Douthat an ardent defender of conservative, uh, priggishness?
ManchuCandidate: Do people really believe that? That would seriously put a damper on my evenings.
This might make some sense if Steve Carell had saved his virginity for marriage out of some sort of conviction of principle or if “Knocked Up” hadn’t shown Katherine Heigl’s character having a clear…what’s the word…CHOICE of whether or not to have the kid. Columnists, like actors, should never go full retard.
Russ reminds me of one of those nancy-boys who hangs out in city parks and does the fake Renaissance sword fighting thing.
So Judd Apatow movies are actually moral parables? I didn’t that you could tell a parable that was 90% dick jokes.
You mean like such conservative values as a woman who gets knocked up and decides to keep the baby only after making a choice to keep a baby?
ManchuCandidate: Bush is like the Bat Man, Sauron (Zorin?) was a liberal, etc. When the only social mirror that you have (most people stopped reading books looooong ago…) is some trite, test-marketed Hollywood CGI garbage, the politics of everything that happens on the silver screen appears rooted in the front few pages of the latest issue of Newsweek.
AnnieGetYourFun: It is better that your seed fall in the belly of a whore…
Of course there’s never one of those around when you need one so…go ahead.
Cape Clod: “I didn’t think that you could tell a parable that was 90% dick jokes.” I suck.
Sorry, but I couldn’t get past Douchehat’s pudgy, glowering visage in order to finish the rest of his review. Or maybe it was his laudatory mention of Steve Carrell that stopped me in my tracks. Yay for two more minutes of my life not having been wasted!
With “Funny People,” though, Apatow is offering a more realistic morality play…In that sense, “Funny People” is the most conservative of all his movies. That’s probably what American audiences don’t like about it. But it’s what makes this film his best work yet.
Hey, at least Douthat likes it because it presents the right message — whatever the hell that may be. Because ever since “Everyman” came out in the Middle Ages, the overly-starched-knickers set has delighted in stultifying, overblown, condescending, subtle-as-a-sack-of-hammers moralisms that bore everyone else to tears. And of course Douthat probably thinks we libertines revolt against such biddyisms because we don’t care for The Truth. No, dumbass — it’s because we don’t care to be lectured to by people as stupid or stupider than we are.
And, like, Transformers is a perfect metaphor for the Bush Administration. Bush is transformed by 9/11. And like a big metal truck, he powers through the Democrats, who are deceptive like the other robots, and causes a lot of big explosions in Iraq.
And modern Conservatism is just like Julie & Julia. Julia Child represents Richard Nixon, and then you have Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, James DeMint, Mitch McConnel and the others trying to copy his Southern Strategy, but they are no way as good at it or even as interesting.
And Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince is just like me, as someday I will be recognized as the greatest wizard of all, and all the people who laughed at me at high school will bow down to honor me.
Buzz Feedback: You, too, huh?
Ross Douthat, by age, countenance, & desire to be hip, is My Nemesis, MN also being a pasty, doughy, conservative from birth (though MN flirted with “anarcho-syndicalism”, in so much as he made an habit of stealing the medium-end electronics he couldn’t at the time afford, in the late 90s/early 00s) Eagle Scout. Doesn’t have the Ivy League degree, though.
For those of you who may care about such things, here’s news that Adam Sandler is a ReThuglican:
http://www.newsmeat.com/celebrity_political_donations/Adam_Sandler.php
Wasn’t this guy supposed to be like the second coming of Christ or something? Ye gods…
The NYT - all the third-rate, high school essays fit to print.
AnnieGetYourFun: Oh yes — yes, they do. It’s that “lusting after women = committing adultery in your heart” thing that some Christians are so into because it makes more people feel like they’re sinners. Me, I like to think of it as 100,000 little abortions all at once, although that’s more of a boy thing.
His porn as cheating article should’ve ended after the paragraph that starts “If we would just accept Dan Savage’s advice, then, and get over it, everyone would gain something” which sums up the correct approach to porno. But after, he gets all sanctimonious and looses credibility.
But he gains that credibility back when you see that he looks like Orson Welles.
Bearbloke:
He was only a Repub. for Giuliani because of his role in “Chuck and Larry” as a NYC firefighter.
Frank Rich wannabe.
What about novels depicting ambivalent, self-absorbed know-nothing-tards having the sex with aggressive, drunken, rubenesque ivy-league co-eds? Does that convey any conservative values?
I guess it probably does, if by conservative you mean “Same as it ever was.” Still - WWKD? *(What would Krauthammer do?)
But…but what if Lambchop wanted a money shot across her reinforced toe? Is that cheatin’ then, Ross? Hello? Hey! Get back here!
But “Funny People” is a Judd Apatow movie — endless penis jokes and all — A lot of penis jokes, or jokes about a penis that is endless? A penis that went on forever would be a really big penis. Kids would giggle.
In that sense, “Funny People” is the most conservative of all his movies. That’s probably what American audiences don’t like about it. But it’s what makes this film his best work yet.
Soooooooo, read that back to me? Basically, American audiences, (and voters), don’t like conservatism. Ok.
The sun never comes out for conservatives. They’re big fat grey sad clouds that can’t simply enjoy a movie like normal non-morbidly obese and happy people.
josereyes.theroof: Thanks so much for mentioning anarcho-syndicalism, a wonderful old phrase favored by Wobblies trying to convert people like me to their cause (they’ve organized some Starbucks recently, bless their One Big Heart!). Utah Phillips always would intro me with that term at Wob benefits in Chicago; it was my excuse to be there, I guess. I like anarchy and I like unions, so it’s not inaccurate, but it’s sort of like calling someone a Progressive poet — looks good at first, but unless you’re composing sonnets about reforming health care, what do the two have to do with each other?
snideinplainsight: something tells me that Krauthammer would not be ‘doing’ anyone.
he’s right, the morals of judd apatow films are just like those of social conservatives, confused and misguided.
I can’t believe I read that brain-fart porn article. It took him to pages to say that realism, adulthood, and sophistication give him the vapors.
“Funny people” was just plain boring and logically disjointed. Sooooo, I guess it *was* a conservative movie.
And FWIW, it may be interesting to me only that, according to Bearbloke’s link, Adam Sandler lists his “home” in tax-free New Hampshire, despite the fact that he lives and runs his production company in LA. Sounds like a typical crappy Republican thing to do - sucking up benefits while avoiding paying for them. Oh, and I have it on good authority that the purported New Englander is a Yankees fan, given that he cheered the Yanks’ extra-innings win over the Red Sox the other night - much to the chagrin of 100+ local extras while shooting his movie “Grown Ups” in Essex, Mass. California Tax Collectors, are you listening?
I think Douthat has a point in that deciding to have children, deciding to be responsible and conscientious parents, and deciding to get and stay married are definitely conservative and only conservative values. We liberals only believe in abortions, orgies, and leaving your teenage baby-mama after getting engaged because her mother is no longer running for Vice President and you want to be an actor.
imissopus: Beat me to it on Heigl’s character choosing to keep the kid. And, yeah, the point of “40 Year Old Virgin” isn’t that he chooses to be a virgin but that he wins up on because he’s a shy, geeky, loser.
Lionel Hutz Esq.: I’m totally the better wizard than you are.
I think the most insulting thing about that argument was that he kept referring to the problem of the male libido, the male need for sex, etc. Like he thought women don’t want or need sex.
Has anyone every read any of those trashy romance novels some women read? Hello, what do you think that is?? It’s just described instead of pictured - and since men tend to be more visually oriented than women, it makes sense that they’d want visual porn and women would want written porn. We just don’t call that porn, we call it romance novels.
Frankly, as a woman, I don’t get what’s wrong with porn. If I’m not in the mood and my boyfriend is, I would much rather him just jerk off to a quick clip and get one with the day then have to listen to him pestering me and pestering me for sex until either I give in or he gives up and… goes to masturbate. To porn. It’s almost respectful of me in that situation - he has a need, he doesn’t want to bother me with it knowing I’m not in the mood, so he takes care of it himself. And that goes both ways - when I’m in the mood and he isn’t.
Besides, in my experience, most guys would RATHER watch porn with their girl than solo. (Now the REAL question is can anyone ever actually make a decent, not cheesy porn movie that isn’t distracting with it’s laugh-inducing cheese factor. Or one where the celebutante doesn’t stop to fix her hair in the “hidden” night vision camera every 30 seconds.)
I want to make a movie about blind orphans who organize taking turns masturbating so no one sees them.
I could tell that “Funny People” was going to suck, hard, just by seeing the trailers on TV, because Adam Sandler was in them.
“I would do anything for love, but I won’t.” -Douthat
See, I look at this article and right off the bat I’m confused.
Wouldn’t a movie that celebrated “conservative” behavior be one about someone who seduces underage interns in public bathrooms in Argentina then spends the entire country’s budget times twelve while pretending to be hiking and writing books about morality that he then loses all profits from because of a gambling addiction?
I mean, it might be a good movie, actually. But until I see that one, I don’t see ANY conservative action heroes up there on the screen.
“we tolerate a much more permissive abortion regime than countries like Germany or France…”
We have an “abortion regime”? Is it time for regime change? Who is the Undersecretary of Baby-killing who rules this regime?
“In other words, we’re conservative right up until the moment that it costs us.”
Exactly! Just ask Gov. Sanford. Being conservative would have cost him some fiiiiine Argentinian booty.
liquiddaddy: Wasn’t that the plotline for the latest Hannah Montana movie?
Pornos are bad, but remember, according to evangelical teens, anal isn’t cheating, y’all!
Redhead: I would settle for the end of the gross tattoos and body piercing trend, and the resurgence of cooter hair.
Gorillionaire: The Apatow/Sandler creative partnership is now 0 & 2. You Don’t Mess with the Zohan was number one. Though, I am sure Douthat & other cons loved the portrayal of the Palestinian turrist.
freakishlystrong: And that the only way it would be successful if audiences had it jammed down their throats, on a Sunday.
I would think that if I were a conservative douchebag (incidentally, Douthat is the french term for conservative douchebag) and I wanted people to think I was a conservative but essentially a normal person, I’d say “You know, come to think of it, I see some common ground in popular culture.” And then I’d move on to defending Trig from Obama/Cigna fascist death squads. But no, the man has to appropriate Apatow and Rogin as his own. It transforms a reasonable point into obvious bullshit.
C’mon, guys. Ross is just trying to make a buck.
SayItWithWookies: Le sigh. Lusting after women is one of the only good things about being alive. And atheist, it turns out.
Ted Kennedy Breakdancing: Well, y’know, the conservawhores don’t have a very deep pool of creativity to draw upon (see: Ross Douthat, et al) so they have little choice left but to tru to co-opt the endeavors of our own people, Apatow just being the latest example. For example: John McCain spent more time apologizzing for his campaign soundtrack than he did selcting it.
So, yeah…Trucknutz.
See, if Obama were setting up retard death panels, here is a man who should rightly be concerned.
Redhead: When women get all William Buckley about sex it takes the fun out of it and I don’t even want to beat off any more.
“But “Funny People” is a Judd Apatow movie — endless penis jokes and all. It’s just a more grown-up one, in which doing the right thing comes harder….”
As I get more grown up, I come harder, and more frequently, with the help of the porn that Douchehat so maligns. But I’m not big on Apatow movies, so that proves that I am a communist after all.
Good thing the NYT hired a very serious conservative writer to write a very serious conservative column each week. Perhaps next week he’ll give us a preview of the new TV shows debuting on FOX in August and September, and turn them into a morality play where casual sex is always punished and anyone generally having a good time will eventually have to pay for it. Ol’ Neckbeard really needs to get out more, even if it is just to walk over to Peggy Ponnanner’s apartment, feel her up and then feel guilty about it for years until he confesses in his next book.
Let anyone here who has not pushed bullshit for money cast the next stone.
This article, as written by Douthat’s predecessor, William Kristol:
Apatao’s latest movie, Funny People, clearly lays out the message that conservatives will spread to win back the White House in 2011. Adam Sandler is a successful Jewish figure who delites the crowds with his cutting-edge commentary - much like GOP House Whip Eric Cantor’s biting indightment of Obama in his opposition to the stimulus and budget. Sandler, like the GOP, highers a young upstart talent to right new jokes and attract the newer, MySpace-savvy generation - just like Bobby Jindal and Mitt Romney will emotionally connect these social networkers with their charming tales of government-gone-bad and hip personability.
But the real star is Leslie Mann, Sandler’s lost love who’s role offers for the audience the role Sarah Palin plays in the 2012 election. Mann has two children, and two dogs; the former Governor has 5, including Trig. At one point, the dogs lick peanut butter off peoples’ faces - this symbolizes how Palin’s support of the troops will only bother those allergic to peanuts, the minority the Democrats will represent as America will long for war with Iran. As Mann debates between her two lovers, so Palin will debate with politicians, in the debate. Clearly, as Mann makes the decision of her lifetime, Sarah Palin will do so, and the lack of footage of Mann reading shows that in today’s America, Governor Palin is smart enuff, and ready, to be Miss President. Ronald Reagan started off as an actor, before winning World War III, and Funny People’s obvious analogy to Governor Palin makes her an actor in her own way, and can only mean World War IV will be fought, and won, by her.
Note: the inaccuracies (and I imagine, before final editing, misspelled words) are the requisite Kristol errors.
Why the hell does this guy try to write about sex since he obviously ’sucks’ at it? he keeps on trying, but please, Douchehat, stop. writing. about. sex.
hobospacejunkie: exactly.
Doutbag’s article is the perfect ending. A movie starring a talentless turd (Sandler), directed by a guy who makes basically unfunny and unmemorable comedies, bombs at the box office…and then it turns out that Russ Douthat likes it! Thank you, movie gods!