Wonkette
America may be a racist, illiterate nation of violent fucktards, but if there’s one thing the anti-socialist anti-welfare white trash love, it’s free money. So we can expect millions of U.S. losers to give up one of their favorite things to stuff in their mouths — dead chicken flesh coated in a few inches of corn syrup and oil batter — in hopes of getting communist free money from the liberals. Yes, PETA’s “Cash For Cluckers” program is on.
Just as the Soviets are giving poor people a $4,500 credit for buying a new fuel-efficient car to Save the Environment, famous naked-lady organization PETA is offering real American cash to chicken-sucking carnivores who try chicken-free “chicken snax.” Send in your receipt, vow to Stalin that you really are just another slob who eats pounds of industrial-slaughter chemical-laden meat products every few hours, and PETA will send you ONE (1) American dollar … if you’re one of the first 5,000 people to send in yer Soy Nuggatz proof of purchase or whatever.
AMERICA WILL BE A BANANA REPUBLIC IN 10 YEARS, because of this.
Cash for Cluckers [PETA]
So if I spend 8 dollars for a vegan soy product and then spend another 44 cents to mail in my receipt, they may give me a dollar for a net gain of 54 cents . . .
This is a compelling financial argument. Another one is that, for today only, Safeway will sell me a whole deep-fried chicken for five dollars. I just bought me ten!
Needs more strippers.
Soylent Chicken is people!
It’s cash for a chicken ‘analog,’ not for KFC or Popeye’s, eh? Too bad these guilt-free concoctions are twice as expensive as the real thing (I realize what the meat industry does and try to eat locally, sustainably, blah, blah).
I’ll pass.
You know what goes great with imitation chicken? Chicken.
Chicken snax are pretty okay if you smear them with foie gras.
buh-buh-BARACK! Now where’s my monies?
Mmm… better eating through chemistry! You gotta love reading the ingredient list of this “healthy” food; reads like my advanced O-chem textbook. Thanks, I’ll stick to food that can run away from me.
Better have at least 11 herbs and spices and a cartoonish southern cracker on it or i won’t eat it.
what about all the oil that gets spilled on those poor animals to make gas to drive USPS trucks
I like pork.
And fuck you, PETA, for everything..
Darn, I’m already a vegetarian so I can’t enter. Not that I eat fake chicken but I hate to feel excluded.
“Boca and Lightlife—which offer the spot-on texture and flavor of chicken flesh, minus the animal suffering.”
And where’s the fun in that? Food must also lift the spirit.
S.Luggo: Food must also lift the spirit.
And that is why, my friends, ‘Dead Skunk in the Middle of the Road” topped the charts in 1972.
Gun-toting Progressive: if you are going to stick with food that can run away from you, then CAFO chicken does not qualify. sad.
Soy is so bad for you unless it is fermented…miso, tofu, tamari are OK. the rest of it is awful.
Most meat analogs aren’t very tasty. I’ve tried most, just for grins. Many contain egg whites or whey (so not vegan) but even those that don’t pale in comparison. If they wanna convert people to vegetarian they need to concentrate on spreading the word about healthy meals which contain no critters and no analogs. I’ve been doin’ it for 20 years. It ain’t that hard.
Gun-toting Progressive: Soy protein, spices and a little food coloring frighten you? Maybe you should ask them to put some bovine growth hormone, antibiotics, pesticides and e. coli in the mix to give it that “comfort food” taste the kids like so much.
I thought I was going to learn something exciting about low gas mileage chickens, but instead it’s just a lame PETA stunt.
Boo!
Those PETA people. Always running around like a chicken with its head cut off.
I am going to have to side with PETA on this one. It seems like there must be something truly fucked up about a process that results in chicken costing less than water.
http://www.hyfoma.com/nl/images/article_media/Image/branches/meat/poultryslaughtering/lubricants/lubricant_risk_large.jpg
I read a study once which suggested that tards are about as bad at accurately judging the value of a reward as they are at assessing the severity of a risk. I guess this means that the same morons who panic at the thought of Muslin Terrizmz in their hometown of Dismal Seepage while swilling CornSyrup(tm) and chainsmoking will be sending in their reciepts
“You know, I don’t think there’s a single piece of meat in this stew. Looks like meat. Tastes like meat. It isn’t meat at all. Doubleplus good!” ~ George Orwell’s 1984
First it was cash for clunkers. Now it’s cash for cluckers. What will it be next?
PETA can likk my ballsakk.
Why is it that I have such difficultly liking PETA, no matter how hard I try…
June Cleaver 2.0: If you drop out of school a guy will come over and expose himself to you. It’s Flash for Flunkers.
S.Luggo: “Boca and Lightlife—which offer the spot-on texture and flavor of chicken flesh, minus the animal suffering.”
This is stated by people who last had real chicken when you could smoke in maternity wards. It’s like proclaiming “This is EXACTLY like real cum!” when you get hosed with yogurt after a decade of bathing in cheese grits and not sucking cock cuz meat is murder.
You want to eat soy facsimilies, that’s great, have at. But don’t lie to me while you’re half nekkid about it. S’mean.
i prefer sea kittens.
I gave PETA a hot beef injection once. No complaints, well, not any important ones.
hobospacejunkie: I do like Quron which is made from a fungus. It looks like ground beef crumbles and takes on the taste of whatever it’s mixed with. As long as you mix it with lots of garlic, pepper sauce, onions, etc.
So this is what? Deep fried tofu? How does it taste?
Zhu Bajie
I am immediately calling my Schwann man and ordering a dozen turduckins, just to counterbalance these PETA douchetards.
How can members of PETA live with the screams of innocent soy beans everywhere? THe poor bastards can’t even run like chickens! CURSE YOU PETA!!!!!
Airatarianism or bust.
zhubajie: I ate lots of deep fried tofu while at University (many Asian students in my dining hall) - so as long as one doesn’t pretend it’s something other than tofu and it gets cooked into tasty dishes, I can live with it…
“…miso, tofu, tamari are OK”
“…It ain’t that hard.”
“I can live with it…”
Damn, forget the nude celebritards. Ya’ll should start a marketing campaign: “Being a Vegatarian isn’t totally sucky most of the time. Usually.”
So wait a second, you have to write out like an affidavit that you or not now and have never before been a vegetarian, nor have you ever tried a faux chicken product before and all this to get the 66 cents back after postage? Wow, does this ever make them look like tight-ass, self-righteous types with sticks up their butts! Who thought of this campaign? Ted Nugent? There was a good idea there; all they had to do was put it on the honor system. You send us the faux chicken reciept, we’ll send you a dollar and a starter kit. What the hell is wrong with these people?
Vegan faux chicken… it’s what’s for dinner! [dum dum dum]
I love seitan. There, I said it. All hail Lord Seitan!
problemwithcaring: I eat meat. But I eat real meat. Meat that is not grown in a CAFO.
So, no CAFO meats or corn syrup. I must say I feel very healthy and no sacrifice. If I am at a place with CAFO meat I just go vegetarian that night. Cant stand the thought of eating an animal that has been in prison and on drugs, (growth hormones/steroids/antibiotics!, for their whole life.
Please, treat the animals to a nice healthy life before I eat it.
They taste better, have less of the most dangerous ecoli, and have a better omega 3 to 6 ratio in the delicious fats. Eat grass fed or you are dead. srsly
Scooter’s Texas Cowpigen Recipe:
You cut open a cow, and pull the guts out, then shove a pig inside of it and staple it back together.
Put guts aside for later, then you drink some beer.
Then you steal a cement mixer, and drink some more beer and then shoot at some empty bottles
Then you dig a pit, taking a break afterward, drink more beer, maybe a couple of shots of tequila, and try to talk some of the girls into taking their tops off. If that doesn’t work, give them more tequila.
Repeat until successful.
Then you throw some old tires in the pit, glaze them with a medium octane gasoline and flambe them from a safe distance of a couple feet or so.
Then you shoot some empty bottles and drink more beer waiting for the tires to get going real good, trying not to breath the fumes too much because you might get sick and throw up too soon.
And then
Oh yeah drink some more beer.
Then you throw the cow with the pig in it into the back of the cement mixer, drink some more beer, drive the cement mixer so that the barrel is situated over the flaming tire pit, then put the barrel in gear and rotisserate that sunuvabitch until it smells done or the cement mixer catches on fire and explodes.
I think you make sandwiches with it, but I’ve never remembered this far into the recipe because I’m either in the blackout stages of an alcoholic stupor or being rushed to a hospital.
AxmxZ: Say it again! SAY YOU LOVE SEITAN!!! HAIL SEITAN!!!
You can pry my KFC drumstick from my cold dead hands.
Bearbloke: Lobster rescue. ‘Nuff said.
Can’t I just go to Mickey D’s and buy a box of their “Chicken” McNuggatz. I highly doubt there is any chicken in them, and I already know they taste good….ish.
Plus, soy makes men grow boobies.
I just bought a turducken over the internetz in honor of this program.
I’ll be sure to mail in my receipt.
I just want “those people” in Hollywood to know we eat “chicken snax”,therefore we send in for $1 rebates. .. for the TROOPS!
when ever I see peta fuckshit I must eat several burgers, chicken nuggets, and liquid cow dipped freedom fries! I guess that is why I weigh near 300 lbs and my left arm hurts like a sombitch. Fucking peta!
Peta has been a joke for a long time. Even among the vegetarians/veegunz! They are as bad as M.A.D.D. and everybody knows it. Just pretend that you hear nothing when they make a statement, the world is better off that way. Accordingly, don’t fuck with people when you find out they don’t eat the meatz.
Bearbloke: Because their leader is an idiot. Seriously, if you’re trying to convince people not to eat meat, wear fur, etc., you need a mouthpiece who can make a compelling argument for it. Instead, we get lame PR stunts like this, and Ingrid Newkirk referring to people whose actions she opposes (like fashion designers who use fur from factory farms or whatever) as “very naughty.”
Sorry, but “naughty” sounds fun, not abhorrent. I haven’t eaten meat for … about twenty years. I have no complaints, and I like to encourage other to do the same. But these people make me cringe.
problemwithcaring: Well, see, I can’t say what I believe, which is that my diet is actually better than a meant-including one, because then all the meat eaters think I’m being self-righteous and judgmental. Folks are touchy about that, so we veggies tend to be circumspect.
June Cleaver 2.0: here’s what’s next:
http://wonkette.com/410388/sarah-palin-thinks-barack-obama-will-kill-lil-trigger#comment-381637
hope there are a lot of participants signing up right away………
So … Cash for Cluckers.
The Republicans are against subsidizing farmers and agriculture now?
Do the farmers know that? If not, why not?
I have three words for you PETA-tards: Chick-Fil-A. Don’t mess with it.
ExecutorElassus: word.
No one likes to be told that they eat
(animals that are standing in )
shit.
Lentils for lunch! With a side of pasture raised pork.
I guess the PETA people just want to kill off post-menopausal women as part of Obama’s death panel program and have everybody go crazy with malfuntioning thyroids. For the devastating real truth about the shadowy soy trust and their plans for America, you may want to check out: http://www.examiner.com/x-7160-Sacramento-Nutrition-Examiner~y2009m8d7-How-do-nutritionist-journalists-research-the-effects-of-soy-versus-dairy
nightshift:”I am immediately calling my Schwann man and ordering a dozen turduckins, just to counterbalance these PETA douchetards.”
I have a slight problem eating anything with the word “turd” in it.
Makes a wonderful prequel (or is it a sequel?) to their “Cash For Dead Puppies” program:
http://www.petakillsanimals.com/
Sorry, PETA, but the naked hippie chicks don’t do jack-shit to mask the scent of those big piles of freshly snuffed puppies left in disposal-bins. I’ll dedicate my next 3 delicious drumsticks to you, For Great Justice!