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  • LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, JONAH GOLDBERG: Unmockable. Just read it. Holy shit. Holy shit. [Townhall via Whiskey Fire]
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142 COMMENTS

  1. [re=375086]Electric Zen[/re]:
    Well, I think the idea [sic] is, okay, let’s assume our planet was hit broadside by a meteor that none of those poindexters predicted, just like the one that hit Jupiter. That would be a whole lot worse than whatever slow-moving “global”-“warming” the poindexters ARE predicting! Boo-YAH! IN YER FACE! Owww…

  2. It’s like Jonah stole an article on astronomy from some tinfoil-hat science blog, and just scribbled his own ghost-written DEM LIBERALZ! jokes into the margins.

    A large asteroid – MUCH LIKE FAT DRUNK TED KENNEDY – would exude a gaseous explosion – LIKE HILARY CLINTON’S ASS AT A BUFFET, AM I RIGHT – that would destroy life on earth – WHERE’S EARTH’S $TIMULUS PACKAGE, NOBAMA – through a combination of its velocity – FASTER THAN JOHN KERRY DRIVING TO A GAY ORGY AT A WAFFLE HOUSE IN FRANCE, HAHA I GOT MORE ZINGERS COMIN’ FOLKS – and the untold consequences of massive tsunamis and tectonic shifts – THEY WOULDN’T BE UNTOLD IF NOBAMA REMEMBERED HIS TELLYPROMPTERZ!! ALSO BIRTH CERTIFICATE, BUT I COULDN’T FIND A PUN ABOUT THAT.

  3. Personally, I’d be more worried about the threat of a Jonah Goldberg falling on one. The probability is much higher, and the disasterous consequences even more dire.

    Little Known Fun Fact: A falling Jonah Goldberg killed off all but one of the dinosaurs that the cave men used to ride (according to the former Governor of Alaska). The sole survivor is now the senior Senator of the Great State of Arizona.

  4. Can you take the F-22 to space? It looks all outer space-y, but at the very least we’d need a new defense contract to retrofit the cockpit to fit Jonah Goldberg. Also, dust off those 15 megaton unguided hydrogen missiles from the era before ICBMs and our hero can save the day. Al Gore, you are a pussy.

  5. Of course they won’t be able to defrost Al Gore’s head, silly Jonah. They need his head circa year 3000, when he becomes President of Earth.

  6. [re=375086]Electric Zen[/re]: Here’s Jonah’s idea [sic]: A ginormous thing crashed into Jupiter and the poindexters didn’t even know! Wouldn’t it be horrible if a ginormous thing crashed into Earth! There aren’t enough gassy giants paying attention to the possibility of ginormous things crashing into Earth! Global warming — who cares? No explosions.

  7. If God is trying to tell us anything I think God is trying to tell us to bring back editors. Fifteen years ago when the pieces of comet Shoemaker-Levy hit Jupiter nobody had to read stuff like that because everybody on earth didn’t have a blog back then and there were still editors getting between writers who wrote stuff like that and readers. Editors . . .

  8. So, it was a night like this: lots of unexpected company w/friends and their beloved kids and the old man talking while whittling away on the back porch. A perfect night. So, I’m trying to calm myself the hell down (you know how you get) after everyone leaves and I’m re-reading Amy Tan’s The One Hundred Secret Senses and I’m at the part where Olivia and Kwan are searching for Simon amid rock piles that “resemble blackened victims of Pompeii, Hiroshima, the Apocalypse.” And, Kwan says “Once a person has the bad habit of being scared of ghosts, it’s hard to break.” And that’s the perfect place to break and finish cleaning up the kitchen and shut down the computer and visit Wonkette one more time. And to see Goldberg’s magnificent column and think “Once a person has the bad habit of being scared of ghosts, it’s hard to break.” And then, just this once, life makes sense. Thanks Wonkette – I love you – sleep tight.

  9. there is a reason astronomers study the cosmos and a reason why political scientists study politics. it has something to do with scope of practice.

    no, really. stop me if you’ve heard this one before.

  10. I think the meteor already hit, but it was the size of a pea. It entered the top of Mr. Goldberg’s cranium, nestling inside and vaporizing all living matter in there. Because the meteor was so quick to enter Goldberg’s head, few people noticed that he had been lobotomized, but that a simultaneous reoccurrence of childhood ADD had caused Goldberg to continue speaking and writing, despite complete loss of intellectual faculties.

    I, for one wish for the apocalypse even more fervently, now. I can’t live ion a world that includes, Goldberg, Beck, Limbaugh, Coulter and O’Reilly simultaneously.

    Maybe there is such a thing as spontaneous human combustion, and it is triggered by teh stoopid. We can only hope….

  11. [re=375086]Electric Zen[/re]: I think the point is Goldberg thinks we should ditch on the whole cap-and-trade thing and instead use those resources to build a spacecraft in which an elite team of oil drillers would be able to go to an oncoming asteroid and drill a hole, drop a nuclear bomb into the hole, then take off and remotely detonate the bomb.

  12. [re=375104]Neilist[/re]: Past differences notwithstanding, I sincerely appreciate and encourage such drolly non-partisan commentary.

    The Suds Summit is already paying dividends! Huzzah!

  13. I could literally feel Jonah’s boner extruding through the electronic page. Town Hall gives him access to untold numbers of human-like primates even dumber than he is. Thank god for shifting demographics and the genetic self-destruction of morbidly obese people.

  14. [re=375135]Extemporanus[/re]: Tardageddon

    Ha ha! Tard is quickly coming to rival pants as the world’s most utilitarian funny word.

  15. [re=375122]denner[/re]: Science is always on it! Don’t apologize.

    (Actually, I think I just hit the dork threshold with that exclamation).

  16. The entire column is a giant either-or fallacy. It truly does make my head hurt that I’ve been out of work since March and this douchebag is making money writing an editorial that wouldn’t have passed muster in my old high school newspaper.

  17. Goldberg leaves the real intellectual achievement in the last two paragraphs — like if his essay was a worm, the thesis would be the part you’d tear off before choking down the edible bits. You know what I’m talking about. And here’s what he says:

    It makes you wonder. For all the rush and panic, the truth is, climate change — if real — is a very slow-moving catastrophe. Moreover, it happens to align with an ideological and political agenda the left has been pushing for generations: Unregulated economic growth is bad and must be controlled by experts; nature is our master, and we must be her servants. What a convenient truth for environmentalists.

    Meanwhile, a “deep impact” is a terribly inconvenient threat, partly because it requires making peace with the idea that nature can be conquered.

    Oh, of course. Because we ideological swine (project much, Jonah?) shoehorn the evidence into some acceptable political paradigm before we decide whether it’s actionable.

    And of course we must approve of the idea that nature conquers man — just like our English teacher who explained Moby-Dick to us taught — because he was in on the conspiracy: “Children, sooner or later your elitist overlords will seek to conquer your free will by providing you with the security of sheep headed to the slaughter. Whatever you do — approve of this move wholeheartedly (blows pixie dust at class). And now on to antonyms. Joey, can you tell me what an antonym is?”

  18. “there are more people working in a single McDonald’s than there are trying to save civilization from an asteroid.”

    Why do fat people hate NASA??

  19. If we launch Jonah Goldberg into space asteroids might be diverted from Earth and gravitationally pulled around his orbit.

  20. It’s important to note that Jonah “Arma[just-not]geddon[it]” Goldberg unloaded this pantload well after The Editors at the The Poorman Institute tore Easterbrook’s space-crime continuum a new asshole.

    Having previously read the exhaustively eviscerative Poorman piece (dated June 18), I found myself double- and triple-checking the date of Goldberg’s post, as I couldn’t believe that it was shat out post fucking facto. Well, actually, I could. But still..?!

    SIDE NOTE: Should anyone wish to salvage a few brain cells obliterated by the cosmically cataclysmic retinal impact of the Fail Bop Comet, I encourage you to check out Lucifer’s Hammer, a post-apocalyptic 1977 sci-fi novel by Larry Niven and Jerry Pournelle that details a cometary impact on Earth, the end of civilization, and the battle for the future. It’s rather pulpy, but the science is pretty solid, and a stand-alone chapter that describes a gigolo surfer dude riding a 100ft tsunami through downtown LA is quite the set-piece. I’m still rather amazed that the novel has yet to be made into a Bay/Emmerich/Cameron-type end-o’-times big budget summer blockbuster.

    Perhaps if Lucianne’s leavings were to essay a screenplay…

  21. [re=375160]Extemporanus[/re]: Okay, okay– first it’s Burke and now the notorious one-armed drummer. What is wrong with you?

  22. History shows again and again
    how nature repairs the follies of men.

    (no it’s not Alexander Pope silly, it’s Blue Fucking Oyster Cult!)

  23. One of the scariest things about that piece of shit embarrassment is that it currently has a 4 out of 5 rating by “townhall” “readers.” It also encourages another frightening realization: that somebody actually believes those horrible, ham-handed disaster movies are real, and that somebody is Jonah Goldberg. “Fuck science! That one movie said that a huge CGI vortex was going to suck the Earth into itself and kill everyone but Jake Gyllenhaal!”

    [re=375125]Quacker[/re]: I also think the meteor already hit, and was carrying an Alien Stupidity Virus Lifeform, which only infected republicans. There must be some kind of cure, though, since their numbers just keep shrinking and shrinking. Maybe they will be extinct by 2109? One can only hope, you know, for the future of mankind and all.

  24. [re=375144]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Wookie, both you and Jonah are missing an even bigger point that directly contradicts his very paragraph: a “deep impact” would also be part of nature. Yes, nature can and does conquer itself, but these tards don’t get that that is not the argument the left is trying to make.

    Since when did the right become enamored with the argument of “since we can’t do everything, we should do nothing”?

  25. Is Goldberg going to end each column, from now on, with “Not that any of this matters, because of the asteroid”? After all, who gives a fuck if Obama spends too much money or if the Republicans win back seats in 2010? Asteroid!

  26. I’ve been saying for years, every dollar wasted on universal health care is just money taken away from aluminum foil for hats.

    And it’s ALUMINUM foil, people, there hasn’t been widespread use of tin for a hundred years. It’s also clear that the same people beaming the socialistic medicine into our brains are the ones who are making us say “tin” when we mean “aluminum”. It’s such a tinny word, tin. But did THEY write an entire book explaining that they don’t know what the word “fascism” means? Would anyone have done that if the aluminum were real aluminum and not some bullion from Fort Knox? Did you know that in France that means “soup”? I’m not sure how the French manage to fold the soup into a hat but maybe that will be my next book, 300 pages explaining that I don’t know what bouillon means.

  27. And no more spending money on cancer research, global hunger, or building new Israeli settlements — because we are ALL going to die. I’ll be like Jo-Gold and invest in Kleenex, Vaseline, Cheetos, and PBR — and he doesn’t even have to bother wiping down that ragged love seat in his parents’ basement!

  28. Actually this all brings to mind the Hippy Dippy Weatherman, AKA the late great George Carlin:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TlqBrTe37Ak

    “The radar is picking up a line of thundershowers which extends from a point 9 miles NNE of Sicorgus, New Jersey, along a line and 6 miles either side of the line to a point 5 miles SSW of Fonduloch. However, the radar is also picking up a squadron of Russian ICBMs. So I wouldn’t sweat the thundershowers.”

  29. [re=375157]Extemporanus[/re]: I’ve read Lucifer’s Hammer and I agree with you. Pulpy, but the science is right and it’s an entertaining read.

    Far better than anything Jonah Goldberg wrote. Global warming caused by man is a settled question according to a large majority of the scientific community. I’m not sure what point he’s trying to make. Are we supposed to put more money into studying Near Earth Objects or is he saying it’s pointless to put money into carbon reduction because we’re all going to die?

  30. Are you sure aluminum foils hats will protect us from the government rays?

    Am I sure that aluminum foils hats? No, the aluminum foils the government rays.

    You’re right though, they could beam hats into our brains too, unless we block them. Though that would save time getting dressed I guess. If you wear hats, anyway.

  31. [re=375197]Bill E Pilgrim[/re]: The government rays could sting us while we’re swimming at the beach, also. Unless we wear our hats in the water.
    ~

  32. I’m just waiting for Jonah’s next column on why health care reform is meaningless since the public option will do nothing for those horribly burned in the coming asteroid collision.

  33. [re=375189]Bill E Pilgrim[/re]: Due to improvements in the govermnment’s mind control ray technology it may be necessary to add a colander to ones aluminum foil hat to be completely confident of having achieved the requisite Faraday Cage effect.

  34. I usually eschew reading smarmy masturbatory NeoFascist tripe, but I allowed Wonkette to persuade me this one time. I rarely complain, and almost never make demands, but today I demand: I want those two minutes back.

    You can ship them to Bart Simpson, and he’ll get ’em to me.

  35. [re=375201]x111e7thst[/re]:

    Due to improvements in the govermnment’s mind control ray technology it may be necessary to add a colander to ones aluminum foil hat to be completely confident of having achieved the requisite Faraday Cage effect.

    I once dreamed I was Cage Faraday. I got to spend one day making bad action movies, going to Coppola family parties, and so on. Good idea for a reality show actually.

  36. I don’t think it’s advisable for Jonah Goldberg to write an essay that includes the phrase (in quotes no less) “gassy giant.” Next week’s column: the inevitable rapture means we shouldn’t care about monetary policy.

  37. Jaysus, did you see the t-shirts they’re hocking on the left side of the page? “I’d rather be waterboarding” What kind of greasy face, basement living halfwit would wear THAT?

  38. [re=375197]Bill E Pilgrim[/re]: Interestingly enough, aluminum foil helmets *enhance* the ability of the gubmint to monitor the wearer, since they amplify signals whose bandwidth is the same as that used to communicate with satellites, GPS, and mmobile phones: http://people.csail.mit.edu/rahimi/helmet/ .

    Which is why the gubmint continues to propagate the “tin foil hat” canard. WAKE UP, SHEEPLES.

  39. Oh please, everyone knows the real end of the world will be caused by everyone becoming gay after seeing the gays on TV too much, ceasing to procreate, and dying of AIDS as punishment from God.

  40. [re=375202]krustysfather[/re]: I have the pleasure of living in a city whose newspaper editors regard Jonah as some sort of “columnist” or “writer”, and frequently splay his words all over the lower half of the op-ed page, right there in front of the children. What is the FCC doing to stop Jonah from molesting our children? What if my two-year-old had seen that?

  41. [re=375207]memzilla[/re]: Everybody knows that MIT is in league with the goobermint. This is just another of their psyclops tricks, to stop people from protecting themselves!
    ~

  42. Summary: Jonah I really need to get to the weekend, so I will squirt out a column real quick using only my left hand and forgetting to flush.

  43. [re=375108]mattbolt[/re]: And Al Gore will know what to do. Just send up the Planet Express ship. Except in that episode it wasn’t an asteroid, but a heaping pile of trash (New Jersey?) that was blasted into space and was coming back to crash into us.

  44. “..but not enough time to, you know, keep New York City from being liquefied.” New York’s always the fist to go in the wingnut fantasies, and he takes such pleasure in the thought of its people being brutally destroyed. I have a sad.

  45. Stop “Dick Rolling” me to such infuriating websites. The comments are SO angry and spiteful! And worst of all, NOT FUNNY. :(

  46. JoGlo seems to think the earth will be around in 2109 when, in fact, the world will end in 2012 when Nobama shakes off the mantle of Preznit and reveals himself as the Antichrist. MOO HA HA HA!

  47. “The space rock, 100 meters in diameter, hits at 50,000 mph with the force of thousands of nuclear warheads.”

    “Then again, the rock was probably pretty small, between 50 and a few hundred meters wide.”

    “Scientists think there are millions of such “small” near-Earth meteors out there, and more than 1,000 that are at least a kilometer wide.”

    He’s using that faggy “metric” system. This problem child obviously hates the U.S. of America.

    (As an aside, a meteor that is a kilometeor wide that strikes Earth would be a kilometeor, right?)

  48. SHAME ON ALL OF YOU! Jonah and the whole National Review team are all PTSDing over their own near-death encounter with a giant ball from space. K-Lo of course succumbed to a can of Pepsi and PopRocks. It was in all the papers.

  49. Jonah–

    Here are my thoughts:

    1. Wow, just wow.
    2. I have this whole thing about certain disasters vs unlikely ones that I do in my brain, I think you republicans call it ‘Risk Assessment’–you should look into it.
    3. You’ve done a really good job of parroting Fred Singer.
    4. NASA, um, does care. I just saw (last week) Neil Degrasse Tyson speak–he cares. A lot of people care–but you republicans have been mocking them for decades because an asteroid wiping out life on earth only happens every few million years–so, up until now, it’s seemed like a joke to you. Excuse me if your new concern rings hollow.
    5. Except, Hello if a meteor wiped out the dinosaurs, why do we have fossils of people riding them? Gotcha.
    6. & lastly, feel free to mock my spelling & grammar if it will make you feel better–I know it’s one of the ways you help yourself feel important.
    7. & really lastly, I apologize for mixing mockery with non-mockery, I know that can be confusing.

  50. Laugh now, libtards, but the GOP platform in 2012 is going to have an anti-asteroid plank. Conservative pundits will begin asking “Why does Obama want our children to be hit by a giant space-rock?”. An intrepid reporter will ask Obama’s Kenyan grandmother whether we should be spending all of the stimulus money on space-lasers. Her confused response will be taken as PROOF POSITIVE that Obama was born in Kenya. Finally, the American public, frightened by countless re-airings of Armageddon on Fox, will rise up and vote in record numbers. Minutes after the polls close on Nov. 4th, Chris Matthews will announce to a stunned world that MICHELLE BACHMANN is our new president.

    It could happen.

  51. By 2109, couldn’t we just defrost Bruce Willis’ head so he could save us? Like in that Gawd-awful Michael Bay film/Aerosmith video.

  52. [interrupted for two hours by 2-year-old daughter waking up shrieking at sight/thought of J-Go’s face] And, there are no less than two (2) telescopes WITHIN 30 MILES OF MY HOUSE searching (one full-time, one part-time) for near-earth objects. One of them even has the words Near Earth Asteroid in its acronym. I know several dozen people employed by these two projects, an order of magnitude more than work in the local McDonald’s.

    Though I will concede one point to Jonah (as others may have already): Jovian early detection systems are indeed woefully underfunded.

  53. [re=375118]Chuckie Jesus[/re]: Seriously.

    Is he conflating the data mining method with the Matrix?

    People are seriously fucking stupid. His readers much routinely choke on boxes of dicks.

  54. [re=375206]Terry[/re]: I had the same reaction…if I saw someone actually wearing that shirt, would I be able to resist the urge to beat the wearer with whatever baseball bat-like object was handy? Because HOLY SHIT.

  55. So, the take-away lesson: Don’t bother wearing a seatbelt because there’s an infinitesimal chance that your car might spontaneously combust. And then you’d feel like an asshole for wearing a seat belt. Or something.

  56. [re=375206]Terry[/re]: [re=375288]CorkPopper[/re]: and what’s with the chick modeling the shirt ? icky. too bony…she looks like a 13-yr-old boy.
    oh wait…given the website, i guess that makes sense….

  57. Jesus Moonwalking Christ, talk about a gas giant. I suggest we stuff Jonah Goldberg’s fat ass into Saddam’s old Doomsday Cannon and fire him at the next meteorite that threatens Earth. Problem solved. Beer Summit’s on me.

  58. [re=375144]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Meanwhile, a “deep impact” is a terribly inconvenient threat, partly because it requires making peace with the idea that nature can be conquered.

    I read this as saying that he likes the idea of asteroid strikes, since it’s something you can solve by blowing up stuff (i.e., the asteroids). Global warming is no fun, in Goldberg’s opinion, because the proposed solutions don’t involve explosions.

    So how about a compromise, where we control global warming by blowing up stuff like coal-fired power plants and inefficient automobiles? Would that be more to Goldberg’s taste?

  59. [re=375132]Extemporanus[/re]: A gracious gesture. Similar to Sgt. Crowley’s failure to shoot Pro. Gates with his Colt .45 during the recent Beer Summit, instead merely draining his cool, tangy can of said malted beverage.

    “It happened before. It will happen again. It’s only a matter of time.”

    [The Voice of God (or Charleton Heston), from the opening credits of Armaggedon.]

  60. Jonah, why do you hate teh science?

    First of all, an object as small as 100m probably won’t survive entry into the atmosphere. Secondly that 100m object, if it did survive entry, might take out an area the size of a large metropolitan area, but it won’t obliterate the planet or cause wide spread climate change – You need to get into the 1.5 km and above range before you can start talking doomsday. Thirdly, you’re also underestimating the speed of the average meteor by about 20,000mph, which means your slow as balls meteor would cause even less damage. Fourthly, you’re an idiot.

  61. [re=375116]shadowMark[/re]: It’s really as though an entire profession has just – *POOF* – vanished, as though they couldn’t withstand the global temperature increase and died off (or got hit by Jonah Goldberg crashing into the earth).

  62. Wow. Written more poorly than one of my third-grade essays, especially in regard to things like “REASON” and “LOGIC”.

    How is something like this funny? Is my humor stick broken? The commenters are all like, “Oh man my keyboard is busted with diet coke YOU OWE ME A NEW ONE HAHAHA” over this. Anyways, there sure are a lot of fat jokes, and I’m pretty sure there are more lardass republicans than democrats..let’s do some research on that one. Oh, I just came up with my new column!

  63. Not to worry, there is a plan. Little square robots will clean up the earth while us humans go to space and get fat while doing nothing useful. I think Jonah’s already started his part. I’m pretty sure I saw this on PBS.

  64. Wouldn’t an astroid hitting the earth be a convienent excuse for nonobama to keep hiding his birth certificate? Stop trying to distract us from the real issues Goldberg.

  65. Jupiter is the “gassy giant”?

    What an ultra maroon. Uranus is gassy.

    And I’ll hazard a guess that Jonah can get something twice as large as John Edward’s house up his.

  66. I, for one, want to thank Jonah for finally admitting that global warming is a problem, and one that can be solved by reducing CO2 emission.

    The rest? Fuck it. He’s a vacuous twat and wrong on just about every point.

  67. It’s clear that for conservative writers the bar is significantly lower. You can shit on your keyboard, title the following jumble of letters and numbers “O-dumb-a Teabag Meteor PeeBo” and cash a fat check that keeps you rich in fleshlights and corn nuts for the rest of your days.

  68. Despite Goldberg’s laughable scientific gaffes in the article, asteroid avoidance technology is a reasonable subject for funding, largely because there is a non-trivial (maybe 1/100 over a century?) threat level and because the technology to deal with the problem is feasible and reasonably inexpensive compared to the consequences. This differs from global warming where the feasible approaches to the problem are still lacking. Now Jonah doesn’t realize this. he’s jumping on the issue just to mock his bogey-men. Funny, I would have taken asteroid avoidance to be a liberal forward-thinking issue, one conservatives would mock, but I guess if your world view is dominated by Tom Clancy and Left Behind novels, maybe the apocalyptic aspect makes it worthy of his consideration.

  69. [re=375206]Terry[/re]: Most offensive T-Shirt ever?
    It used to be on T-Shirt Hell but they had to take it down since it was so bad.
    “I (Airplane Crashing) NY”

  70. Talk about potential-disaster hysteria…
    Remember this?
    [url]http://www.deviantyouth.com/images/demotivation/demo-hadron_collider.jpg[/url]

  71. [re=375545]Accordion-o-rama[/re]: If a liberal had proposed what Goldberg’s proposing the right wing would be tearing him a new one right now. There would be no end to the vitriol from Rush, O’Reilly, Hannity, et al.

  72. [re=375500]imissopus[/re]: The exorcism took place off screen. Gotta cast out the asteroid demons. Get thee behind me and all that.

    [re=375545]Accordion-o-rama[/re]: Only peripherally OT, but it grievously upsets me to find out that actual adults take Tom Clancy seriously and are willing to be seen in public reading his pulp trash instead of covering it so people think they’re just reading harmless scat porn or whatever. I recognized that his books weren’t “good” when I was like 12 and had progressed to actively hating everything about them by the time I was 15. I guess he shares a demographic with Michael Bay, namely, Jonah Goldberg.

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