SHARE
  • LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, JONAH GOLDBERG: Unmockable. Just read it. Holy shit. Holy shit. [Townhall via Whiskey Fire]
$
Donate with CCDonate with CC
  • itgetter

    What did I just read?

  • Hieronymus Botch

    Good God. I was going to say that Jonah Goldberg’s vision for 2109 makes Ken’s dystopian vision seem anodyne, but fuck it, I would rather raise spider-children than live in the same world as this hysterical squealing gnome.

  • Electric Zen

    Sorry, I tried twice but couldn’t get past the second paragraph. Someone summarize.

  • Smoke Filled Roommate

    I’m in AZ– that means in 2109 I’ll be dead!! nooooooooooo !

  • naveed

    Deep Impact stuff right there. Let the childrens marry!

  • Buzz Feedback

    Good thing the Earth is only 2K years old. It’ll bounce right back from the space rocks.

  • wigu

    Pretty sure that was just an ad for that 2012 movie.

  • tranch coat

    [re=375086]Electric Zen[/re]:
    Well, I think the idea [sic] is, okay, let’s assume our planet was hit broadside by a meteor that none of those poindexters predicted, just like the one that hit Jupiter. That would be a whole lot worse than whatever slow-moving “global”-“warming” the poindexters ARE predicting! Boo-YAH! IN YER FACE! Owww…

  • Bad Kitty

    I’m loving it. Jonah/Sarah 20100005.

  • mattbolt

    It’s like Jonah stole an article on astronomy from some tinfoil-hat science blog, and just scribbled his own ghost-written DEM LIBERALZ! jokes into the margins.

    A large asteroid – MUCH LIKE FAT DRUNK TED KENNEDY – would exude a gaseous explosion – LIKE HILARY CLINTON’S ASS AT A BUFFET, AM I RIGHT – that would destroy life on earth – WHERE’S EARTH’S $TIMULUS PACKAGE, NOBAMA – through a combination of its velocity – FASTER THAN JOHN KERRY DRIVING TO A GAY ORGY AT A WAFFLE HOUSE IN FRANCE, HAHA I GOT MORE ZINGERS COMIN’ FOLKS – and the untold consequences of massive tsunamis and tectonic shifts – THEY WOULDN’T BE UNTOLD IF NOBAMA REMEMBERED HIS TELLYPROMPTERZ!! ALSO BIRTH CERTIFICATE, BUT I COULDN’T FIND A PUN ABOUT THAT.

  • stumpycuse

    umm…isn’t there a God or something? Didn’t we learn that from 2000? Or at least 2004?

  • pepe

    Take that, Chris Dodd!

  • Neilist

    Personally, I’d be more worried about the threat of a Jonah Goldberg falling on one. The probability is much higher, and the disasterous consequences even more dire.

    Little Known Fun Fact: A falling Jonah Goldberg killed off all but one of the dinosaurs that the cave men used to ride (according to the former Governor of Alaska). The sole survivor is now the senior Senator of the Great State of Arizona.

  • JoeMac

    He has gone full retard.

  • My choice. My Wonkette.

    Can you take the F-22 to space? It looks all outer space-y, but at the very least we’d need a new defense contract to retrofit the cockpit to fit Jonah Goldberg. Also, dust off those 15 megaton unguided hydrogen missiles from the era before ICBMs and our hero can save the day. Al Gore, you are a pussy.

  • mattbolt

    Of course they won’t be able to defrost Al Gore’s head, silly Jonah. They need his head circa year 3000, when he becomes President of Earth.

  • tranch coat

    [re=375086]Electric Zen[/re]: Here’s Jonah’s idea [sic]: A ginormous thing crashed into Jupiter and the poindexters didn’t even know! Wouldn’t it be horrible if a ginormous thing crashed into Earth! There aren’t enough gassy giants paying attention to the possibility of ginormous things crashing into Earth! Global warming — who cares? No explosions.

  • My choice. My Wonkette.

    [re=375101]stumpycuse[/re]: The Lord is our Judge. He will destroy us for not destroying His planet.

  • slinkimalinki

    i’m more interested in the column “preparing for war:boning” mentioned in townhall’s sidebar.

  • tbogg

    President Trig Palin will never let this happen.

  • billy rubin

    I never wanted the Earth to be hit by a meteor… until I read this.

  • shadowMark

    If God is trying to tell us anything I think God is trying to tell us to bring back editors. Fifteen years ago when the pieces of comet Shoemaker-Levy hit Jupiter nobody had to read stuff like that because everybody on earth didn’t have a blog back then and there were still editors getting between writers who wrote stuff like that and readers. Editors . . .

  • My choice. My Wonkette.

    [re=375113]tbogg[/re]: With that Commandtard-in-Chief, it would be like Armageddon, the Ben Affleck movie.

  • Chuckie Jesus

    I like the part about the neural net. That kind of skiffy’s cool.

  • LydiaClaire

    So, it was a night like this: lots of unexpected company w/friends and their beloved kids and the old man talking while whittling away on the back porch. A perfect night. So, I’m trying to calm myself the hell down (you know how you get) after everyone leaves and I’m re-reading Amy Tan’s The One Hundred Secret Senses and I’m at the part where Olivia and Kwan are searching for Simon amid rock piles that “resemble blackened victims of Pompeii, Hiroshima, the Apocalypse.” And, Kwan says “Once a person has the bad habit of being scared of ghosts, it’s hard to break.” And that’s the perfect place to break and finish cleaning up the kitchen and shut down the computer and visit Wonkette one more time. And to see Goldberg’s magnificent column and think “Once a person has the bad habit of being scared of ghosts, it’s hard to break.” And then, just this once, life makes sense. Thanks Wonkette – I love you – sleep tight.

  • denner

    Ok not to be the commentz nerd but here’s why this dude is an asshole even more (basically science is already on it, guy): http://blogs.discovermagazine.com/badastronomy/2009/07/30/jpl-rocks-our-world/

  • DollarStorePregnancyTest

    there is a reason astronomers study the cosmos and a reason why political scientists study politics. it has something to do with scope of practice.

    no, really. stop me if you’ve heard this one before.

  • dogscantlookup

    [re=375113]tbogg[/re]: stop mouth raping Trig !

  • Quacker

    I think the meteor already hit, but it was the size of a pea. It entered the top of Mr. Goldberg’s cranium, nestling inside and vaporizing all living matter in there. Because the meteor was so quick to enter Goldberg’s head, few people noticed that he had been lobotomized, but that a simultaneous reoccurrence of childhood ADD had caused Goldberg to continue speaking and writing, despite complete loss of intellectual faculties.

    I, for one wish for the apocalypse even more fervently, now. I can’t live ion a world that includes, Goldberg, Beck, Limbaugh, Coulter and O’Reilly simultaneously.

    Maybe there is such a thing as spontaneous human combustion, and it is triggered by teh stoopid. We can only hope….

  • Hooray For Anything

    [re=375086]Electric Zen[/re]: I think the point is Goldberg thinks we should ditch on the whole cap-and-trade thing and instead use those resources to build a spacecraft in which an elite team of oil drillers would be able to go to an oncoming asteroid and drill a hole, drop a nuclear bomb into the hole, then take off and remotely detonate the bomb.

  • Quacker

    [re=375086]Electric Zen[/re]: We gonna be obliterated, so who fuckin’ cares if it gets hotter. The end (and I mean, THE END).

  • Extemporanus

    [re=375104]Neilist[/re]: Past differences notwithstanding, I sincerely appreciate and encourage such drolly non-partisan commentary.

    The Suds Summit is already paying dividends! Huzzah!

  • expatinOz

    It’s like story time at the birther’s farm, told by Unclle Goldberg, the douchiest douche that ever there was.

  • expatinOz

    Damn it! I hate when you hit submit and then notice the typo. Crap.

  • Extemporanus

    [re=375117]My choice. My Wonkette.[/re]: Working title: Tardageddon: Welcome to the Chromosome

  • hobospacejunkie

    I could literally feel Jonah’s boner extruding through the electronic page. Town Hall gives him access to untold numbers of human-like primates even dumber than he is. Thank god for shifting demographics and the genetic self-destruction of morbidly obese people.

  • hobospacejunkie

    [re=375135]Extemporanus[/re]: Tardageddon

    Ha ha! Tard is quickly coming to rival pants as the world’s most utilitarian funny word.

  • Smoke Filled Roommate

    [re=375122]denner[/re]: Science is always on it! Don’t apologize.

    (Actually, I think I just hit the dork threshold with that exclamation).

  • Hopetarded

    The entire column is a giant either-or fallacy. It truly does make my head hurt that I’ve been out of work since March and this douchebag is making money writing an editorial that wouldn’t have passed muster in my old high school newspaper.

  • Smoke Filled Roommate

    [re=375138]hobospacejunkie[/re]:

    Oh SNAP!

    It’s geddon
    It’s geddon
    It’s geddon kinda hectic

  • SayItWithWookies

    Goldberg leaves the real intellectual achievement in the last two paragraphs — like if his essay was a worm, the thesis would be the part you’d tear off before choking down the edible bits. You know what I’m talking about. And here’s what he says:

    It makes you wonder. For all the rush and panic, the truth is, climate change — if real — is a very slow-moving catastrophe. Moreover, it happens to align with an ideological and political agenda the left has been pushing for generations: Unregulated economic growth is bad and must be controlled by experts; nature is our master, and we must be her servants. What a convenient truth for environmentalists.

    Meanwhile, a “deep impact” is a terribly inconvenient threat, partly because it requires making peace with the idea that nature can be conquered.

    Oh, of course. Because we ideological swine (project much, Jonah?) shoehorn the evidence into some acceptable political paradigm before we decide whether it’s actionable.

    And of course we must approve of the idea that nature conquers man — just like our English teacher who explained Moby-Dick to us taught — because he was in on the conspiracy: “Children, sooner or later your elitist overlords will seek to conquer your free will by providing you with the security of sheep headed to the slaughter. Whatever you do — approve of this move wholeheartedly (blows pixie dust at class). And now on to antonyms. Joey, can you tell me what an antonym is?”

  • BMK

    “there are more people working in a single McDonald’s than there are trying to save civilization from an asteroid.”

    Why do fat people hate NASA??

  • OReillysVibrator

    If we launch Jonah Goldberg into space asteroids might be diverted from Earth and gravitationally pulled around his orbit.

  • lumpenprole

    When Princess Leia talks this way, you gotta sit up and listen.

  • facehead

    [re=375122]denner[/re]: Why do you hate America?

  • Mumpedo

    Asteroids Jonah? How passe. Three words, Yellowstone Caldera eruption.

  • Lionel Hutz Esq.

    Is Jonah announcing his conversion to Scientology? Or is he just doing more drugs than normal?

  • Extemporanus

    It’s important to note that Jonah “Arma[just-not]geddon[it]” Goldberg unloaded this pantload well after The Editors at the The Poorman Institute tore Easterbrook’s space-crime continuum a new asshole.

    Having previously read the exhaustively eviscerative Poorman piece (dated June 18), I found myself double- and triple-checking the date of Goldberg’s post, as I couldn’t believe that it was shat out post fucking facto. Well, actually, I could. But still..?!

    SIDE NOTE: Should anyone wish to salvage a few brain cells obliterated by the cosmically cataclysmic retinal impact of the Fail Bop Comet, I encourage you to check out Lucifer’s Hammer, a post-apocalyptic 1977 sci-fi novel by Larry Niven and Jerry Pournelle that details a cometary impact on Earth, the end of civilization, and the battle for the future. It’s rather pulpy, but the science is pretty solid, and a stand-alone chapter that describes a gigolo surfer dude riding a 100ft tsunami through downtown LA is quite the set-piece. I’m still rather amazed that the novel has yet to be made into a Bay/Emmerich/Cameron-type end-o’-times big budget summer blockbuster.

    Perhaps if Lucianne’s leavings were to essay a screenplay…

  • Extemporanus

    [re=375121]LydiaClaire[/re]: Thanks Lydia. I love you too, for that.

  • Extemporanus

    [re=375142]Smoke Filled Roommate[/re]:

    Yeah, but are you gettin’ it?
    Armageddon it!
    Ooh, really gettin’ it?
    YES! Armaggedon it!

  • Smoke Filled Roommate

    [re=375160]Extemporanus[/re]: Okay, okay– first it’s Burke and now the notorious one-armed drummer. What is wrong with you?

  • Extemporanus

    [re=375138]hobospacejunkie[/re]: “Tard” is the new “Black”.

  • tunamelt

    VIRAL MARKETING FOR THE MAYANS!

    Where is John Cusack in all of this?

  • Capitol Hillbilly

    History shows again and again
    how nature repairs the follies of men.

    (no it’s not Alexander Pope silly, it’s Blue Fucking Oyster Cult!)

  • Bathroom Goblin

    Jonah, choke on a bag of your mom’s wrinkly old dicks.

  • Atheist Nun

    One of the scariest things about that piece of shit embarrassment is that it currently has a 4 out of 5 rating by “townhall” “readers.” It also encourages another frightening realization: that somebody actually believes those horrible, ham-handed disaster movies are real, and that somebody is Jonah Goldberg. “Fuck science! That one movie said that a huge CGI vortex was going to suck the Earth into itself and kill everyone but Jake Gyllenhaal!”

    [re=375125]Quacker[/re]: I also think the meteor already hit, and was carrying an Alien Stupidity Virus Lifeform, which only infected republicans. There must be some kind of cure, though, since their numbers just keep shrinking and shrinking. Maybe they will be extinct by 2109? One can only hope, you know, for the future of mankind and all.

  • psilage

    I almost ate toast this morning. Now I see that money spent on toast is a liberal plot.

  • 4tehlulz

    Shorter Jonah Goldberg: I have less than nothing of value to say.

  • S.Luggo

    Summary: Global warming doesn’t kill people, Democrats kill people. Asteroids, also.

  • widget09

    Why did the whale puke this guy up?

  • LoweredPeninsula

    [re=375144]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Wookie, both you and Jonah are missing an even bigger point that directly contradicts his very paragraph: a “deep impact” would also be part of nature. Yes, nature can and does conquer itself, but these tards don’t get that that is not the argument the left is trying to make.

    Since when did the right become enamored with the argument of “since we can’t do everything, we should do nothing”?

  • Naked Bunny with a Whip

    Is Goldberg going to end each column, from now on, with “Not that any of this matters, because of the asteroid”? After all, who gives a fuck if Obama spends too much money or if the Republicans win back seats in 2010? Asteroid!

  • Bill E Pilgrim

    I’ve been saying for years, every dollar wasted on universal health care is just money taken away from aluminum foil for hats.

    And it’s ALUMINUM foil, people, there hasn’t been widespread use of tin for a hundred years. It’s also clear that the same people beaming the socialistic medicine into our brains are the ones who are making us say “tin” when we mean “aluminum”. It’s such a tinny word, tin. But did THEY write an entire book explaining that they don’t know what the word “fascism” means? Would anyone have done that if the aluminum were real aluminum and not some bullion from Fort Knox? Did you know that in France that means “soup”? I’m not sure how the French manage to fold the soup into a hat but maybe that will be my next book, 300 pages explaining that I don’t know what bouillon means.

  • Better American Than You

    And no more spending money on cancer research, global hunger, or building new Israeli settlements — because we are ALL going to die. I’ll be like Jo-Gold and invest in Kleenex, Vaseline, Cheetos, and PBR — and he doesn’t even have to bother wiping down that ragged love seat in his parents’ basement!

  • Bill E Pilgrim

    Actually this all brings to mind the Hippy Dippy Weatherman, AKA the late great George Carlin:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TlqBrTe37Ak

    “The radar is picking up a line of thundershowers which extends from a point 9 miles NNE of Sicorgus, New Jersey, along a line and 6 miles either side of the line to a point 5 miles SSW of Fonduloch. However, the radar is also picking up a squadron of Russian ICBMs. So I wouldn’t sweat the thundershowers.”

  • Cape Clod

    [re=375157]Extemporanus[/re]: I’ve read Lucifer’s Hammer and I agree with you. Pulpy, but the science is right and it’s an entertaining read.

    Far better than anything Jonah Goldberg wrote. Global warming caused by man is a settled question according to a large majority of the scientific community. I’m not sure what point he’s trying to make. Are we supposed to put more money into studying Near Earth Objects or is he saying it’s pointless to put money into carbon reduction because we’re all going to die?

  • ifthethunderdontgetya”

    [re=375189]Bill E Pilgrim[/re]: Are you sure aluminum foils hats will protect us from the government rays?
    ~

  • Bill E Pilgrim

    Are you sure aluminum foils hats will protect us from the government rays?

    Am I sure that aluminum foils hats? No, the aluminum foils the government rays.

    You’re right though, they could beam hats into our brains too, unless we block them. Though that would save time getting dressed I guess. If you wear hats, anyway.

  • Nohbdy

    FUN FACT: To top off this shit sundae…Gregg Easterbrook (his source) is a POLITICAL science writer. He’s also a conservatard who has his own ESPN football column.

    http://search.espn.go.com/tmq/

  • ifthethunderdontgetya”

    [re=375197]Bill E Pilgrim[/re]: The government rays could sting us while we’re swimming at the beach, also. Unless we wear our hats in the water.
    ~

  • Lionel Hutz Esq.

    I’m just waiting for Jonah’s next column on why health care reform is meaningless since the public option will do nothing for those horribly burned in the coming asteroid collision.

  • x111e7thst

    [re=375189]Bill E Pilgrim[/re]: Due to improvements in the govermnment’s mind control ray technology it may be necessary to add a colander to ones aluminum foil hat to be completely confident of having achieved the requisite Faraday Cage effect.

  • krustysfather

    I usually eschew reading smarmy masturbatory NeoFascist tripe, but I allowed Wonkette to persuade me this one time. I rarely complain, and almost never make demands, but today I demand: I want those two minutes back.

    You can ship them to Bart Simpson, and he’ll get ’em to me.

  • Bill E Pilgrim

    [re=375201]x111e7thst[/re]:

    Due to improvements in the govermnment’s mind control ray technology it may be necessary to add a colander to ones aluminum foil hat to be completely confident of having achieved the requisite Faraday Cage effect.

    I once dreamed I was Cage Faraday. I got to spend one day making bad action movies, going to Coppola family parties, and so on. Good idea for a reality show actually.

  • doxastic

    I don’t think it’s advisable for Jonah Goldberg to write an essay that includes the phrase (in quotes no less) “gassy giant.” Next week’s column: the inevitable rapture means we shouldn’t care about monetary policy.

  • Canmon (the Inadequate)

    I don’t understand why extra carbon dioxide in our atmosphere will protect us from space rocks.

  • Terry

    Jaysus, did you see the t-shirts they’re hocking on the left side of the page? “I’d rather be waterboarding” What kind of greasy face, basement living halfwit would wear THAT?

  • memzilla

    [re=375197]Bill E Pilgrim[/re]: Interestingly enough, aluminum foil helmets *enhance* the ability of the gubmint to monitor the wearer, since they amplify signals whose bandwidth is the same as that used to communicate with satellites, GPS, and mmobile phones: http://people.csail.mit.edu/rahimi/helmet/ .

    Which is why the gubmint continues to propagate the “tin foil hat” canard. WAKE UP, SHEEPLES.

  • LindsayBluth

    Oh please, everyone knows the real end of the world will be caused by everyone becoming gay after seeing the gays on TV too much, ceasing to procreate, and dying of AIDS as punishment from God.

  • Hunger Tallest Palin

    Shorter Johan Loadedhosen: I CAN SEE JUPITER FROM MY HOUSE!

  • jasper f. krone

    [re=375202]krustysfather[/re]: I have the pleasure of living in a city whose newspaper editors regard Jonah as some sort of “columnist” or “writer”, and frequently splay his words all over the lower half of the op-ed page, right there in front of the children. What is the FCC doing to stop Jonah from molesting our children? What if my two-year-old had seen that?

  • cynbot

    He does call Chris Dodd a “gassy giant,” though, so there’s that.

  • ifthethunderdontgetya”

    [re=375207]memzilla[/re]: Everybody knows that MIT is in league with the goobermint. This is just another of their psyclops tricks, to stop people from protecting themselves!
    ~

  • AuntieLola

    Summary: Jonah I really need to get to the weekend, so I will squirt out a column real quick using only my left hand and forgetting to flush.

  • Monsieur Grumpe

    Damn it. The future still doesn’t have personal jet packs.

  • Kenneth the NBC Governor

    [re=375108]mattbolt[/re]: And Al Gore will know what to do. Just send up the Planet Express ship. Except in that episode it wasn’t an asteroid, but a heaping pile of trash (New Jersey?) that was blasted into space and was coming back to crash into us.

  • BlueStateLibtard

    “..but not enough time to, you know, keep New York City from being liquefied.” New York’s always the fist to go in the wingnut fantasies, and he takes such pleasure in the thought of its people being brutally destroyed. I have a sad.

  • BruceLee5000

    Stop “Dick Rolling” me to such infuriating websites. The comments are SO angry and spiteful! And worst of all, NOT FUNNY. :(

  • Crank Tango

    [re=375108]mattbolt[/re]: I thought Nixon’s head becomes Earthican president in y3k…no?

  • queeraselvis v 2.0

    JoGlo seems to think the earth will be around in 2109 when, in fact, the world will end in 2012 when Nobama shakes off the mantle of Preznit and reveals himself as the Antichrist. MOO HA HA HA!

  • Col Kernel

    “The space rock, 100 meters in diameter, hits at 50,000 mph with the force of thousands of nuclear warheads.”

    “Then again, the rock was probably pretty small, between 50 and a few hundred meters wide.”

    “Scientists think there are millions of such “small” near-Earth meteors out there, and more than 1,000 that are at least a kilometer wide.”

    He’s using that faggy “metric” system. This problem child obviously hates the U.S. of America.

    (As an aside, a meteor that is a kilometeor wide that strikes Earth would be a kilometeor, right?)

  • peggynoonansrickshaw

    SHAME ON ALL OF YOU! Jonah and the whole National Review team are all PTSDing over their own near-death encounter with a giant ball from space. K-Lo of course succumbed to a can of Pepsi and PopRocks. It was in all the papers.

  • TGY

    An optimist would calculate a much greater probability of a minor meteor strike on Jonah Goldberg.

  • Crow T. Robot

    Jonah–

    Here are my thoughts:

    1. Wow, just wow.
    2. I have this whole thing about certain disasters vs unlikely ones that I do in my brain, I think you republicans call it ‘Risk Assessment’–you should look into it.
    3. You’ve done a really good job of parroting Fred Singer.
    4. NASA, um, does care. I just saw (last week) Neil Degrasse Tyson speak–he cares. A lot of people care–but you republicans have been mocking them for decades because an asteroid wiping out life on earth only happens every few million years–so, up until now, it’s seemed like a joke to you. Excuse me if your new concern rings hollow.
    5. Except, Hello if a meteor wiped out the dinosaurs, why do we have fossils of people riding them? Gotcha.
    6. & lastly, feel free to mock my spelling & grammar if it will make you feel better–I know it’s one of the ways you help yourself feel important.
    7. & really lastly, I apologize for mixing mockery with non-mockery, I know that can be confusing.

  • Cicada

    Laugh now, libtards, but the GOP platform in 2012 is going to have an anti-asteroid plank. Conservative pundits will begin asking “Why does Obama want our children to be hit by a giant space-rock?”. An intrepid reporter will ask Obama’s Kenyan grandmother whether we should be spending all of the stimulus money on space-lasers. Her confused response will be taken as PROOF POSITIVE that Obama was born in Kenya. Finally, the American public, frightened by countless re-airings of Armageddon on Fox, will rise up and vote in record numbers. Minutes after the polls close on Nov. 4th, Chris Matthews will announce to a stunned world that MICHELLE BACHMANN is our new president.

    It could happen.

  • Rusty Shackleford

    By 2109, couldn’t we just defrost Bruce Willis’ head so he could save us? Like in that Gawd-awful Michael Bay film/Aerosmith video.

  • Min

    Where’s a man-eating whale when you really need one?

  • TurdBlossom

    It’s almost like we need to fund government agencies to keep track of these objects

  • missannethrope

    It takes a gassy giant to know one.

  • jasper f. krone

    [interrupted for two hours by 2-year-old daughter waking up shrieking at sight/thought of J-Go’s face] And, there are no less than two (2) telescopes WITHIN 30 MILES OF MY HOUSE searching (one full-time, one part-time) for near-earth objects. One of them even has the words Near Earth Asteroid in its acronym. I know several dozen people employed by these two projects, an order of magnitude more than work in the local McDonald’s.

    Though I will concede one point to Jonah (as others may have already): Jovian early detection systems are indeed woefully underfunded.

  • DoctorCulturae

    Ah, thank you Jonah for allowing me to put off quitting smoking for another day.

  • orange

    [re=375118]Chuckie Jesus[/re]: Seriously.

    Is he conflating the data mining method with the Matrix?

    People are seriously fucking stupid. His readers much routinely choke on boxes of dicks.

  • CorkPopper

    [re=375206]Terry[/re]: I had the same reaction…if I saw someone actually wearing that shirt, would I be able to resist the urge to beat the wearer with whatever baseball bat-like object was handy? Because HOLY SHIT.

  • Madeline

    So, the take-away lesson: Don’t bother wearing a seatbelt because there’s an infinitesimal chance that your car might spontaneously combust. And then you’d feel like an asshole for wearing a seat belt. Or something.

  • JohnnyMeatworth

    wow, Futurama has really gone downhill….

  • as.the.world.burns

    [re=375206]Terry[/re]: [re=375288]CorkPopper[/re]: and what’s with the chick modeling the shirt ? icky. too bony…she looks like a 13-yr-old boy.
    oh wait…given the website, i guess that makes sense….

  • Gallowglass

    [re=375106]JoeMac[/re]: Oh Lawdy. You’re never supposed to go full retard. Now look what’s happened.

  • Capricatony

    So if an asteroid were on its way, would he argue we shouldn’t shoot it down since the global warming is gonna kill us all anyway?

  • eclecticbrotha

    Jesus Moonwalking Christ, talk about a gas giant. I suggest we stuff Jonah Goldberg’s fat ass into Saddam’s old Doomsday Cannon and fire him at the next meteorite that threatens Earth. Problem solved. Beer Summit’s on me.

  • Mahousu

    [re=375144]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Meanwhile, a “deep impact” is a terribly inconvenient threat, partly because it requires making peace with the idea that nature can be conquered.

    I read this as saying that he likes the idea of asteroid strikes, since it’s something you can solve by blowing up stuff (i.e., the asteroids). Global warming is no fun, in Goldberg’s opinion, because the proposed solutions don’t involve explosions.

    So how about a compromise, where we control global warming by blowing up stuff like coal-fired power plants and inefficient automobiles? Would that be more to Goldberg’s taste?

  • howell

    Wow, that really sucked. It made me want to punch that article.

  • Neilist

    [re=375132]Extemporanus[/re]: A gracious gesture. Similar to Sgt. Crowley’s failure to shoot Pro. Gates with his Colt .45 during the recent Beer Summit, instead merely draining his cool, tangy can of said malted beverage.

    “It happened before. It will happen again. It’s only a matter of time.”

    [The Voice of God (or Charleton Heston), from the opening credits of Armaggedon.]

  • Neilist

    Oh, I fogot the obvious:

    Today, we are all gassy giants.

  • edgydrifter

    So, if we try to do anything about pollution Jesus is going to throw a space rock at Florida? Am I reading this right?

  • TheUptightMidwesterner

    Talk about freaky, paranoid tirades. Hunter S. Thompson would be proud.

  • trickyrick

    [re=375262]Min[/re]: score.

  • Crapola

    Jonah, why do you hate teh science?

    First of all, an object as small as 100m probably won’t survive entry into the atmosphere. Secondly that 100m object, if it did survive entry, might take out an area the size of a large metropolitan area, but it won’t obliterate the planet or cause wide spread climate change – You need to get into the 1.5 km and above range before you can start talking doomsday. Thirdly, you’re also underestimating the speed of the average meteor by about 20,000mph, which means your slow as balls meteor would cause even less damage. Fourthly, you’re an idiot.

  • electoral grad student

    Ooh Ooh Ooh! This is a perfect place to post one of my all-time favorite Tim Kreider comics: “The Meteor Issue”: http://www.thepaincomics.com/weekly021023.htm

    If I worked at a university and not in a stuffy government office, I would have this pasted on my door.

  • smitallica

    Electric Zen: Allow me to summarize this article for you thusly:

    I, Jonah Goldberg, am an unrepentant bag of douche.

  • One Yield Regular

    [re=375116]shadowMark[/re]: It’s really as though an entire profession has just – *POOF* – vanished, as though they couldn’t withstand the global temperature increase and died off (or got hit by Jonah Goldberg crashing into the earth).

  • lennixlewis

    Wow. Written more poorly than one of my third-grade essays, especially in regard to things like “REASON” and “LOGIC”.

    How is something like this funny? Is my humor stick broken? The commenters are all like, “Oh man my keyboard is busted with diet coke YOU OWE ME A NEW ONE HAHAHA” over this. Anyways, there sure are a lot of fat jokes, and I’m pretty sure there are more lardass republicans than democrats..let’s do some research on that one. Oh, I just came up with my new column!

  • lennixlewis

    [re=375331]Gallowglass[/re]: I think it’s because Ann Coulter is the HOTTEST BABE EVA to these fools.

  • nonbeliever7

    Not to worry, there is a plan. Little square robots will clean up the earth while us humans go to space and get fat while doing nothing useful. I think Jonah’s already started his part. I’m pretty sure I saw this on PBS.

  • Deepthroat

    Fuck Heath Care. GIANT ATARI JOYSTICK. NOW!

  • Manos: Hands of Fate

    Wouldn’t an astroid hitting the earth be a convienent excuse for nonobama to keep hiding his birth certificate? Stop trying to distract us from the real issues Goldberg.

  • TeddyS

    Words. Stupid words. A columnist with nothing to write put no effort into trying to find something. End of the world. EEEK.

  • agentstinky

    Come on Goldberg! Isn’t the REAL threat that giant ball of pure evil from The Fifth Element?

  • SlipperyDick

    Jupiter is the “gassy giant”?

    What an ultra maroon. Uranus is gassy.

    And I’ll hazard a guess that Jonah can get something twice as large as John Edward’s house up his.

  • Humpback

    [re=375185]widget09[/re]: Someone told me to eat a bag of dicks, but I just couldn’t keep it down.

  • Humpback

    [re=375189]Bill E Pilgrim[/re]: And scotch tape contains no real scotch. Even if you eat several rolls at once.

  • Gopherit

    I, for one, want to thank Jonah for finally admitting that global warming is a problem, and one that can be solved by reducing CO2 emission.

    The rest? Fuck it. He’s a vacuous twat and wrong on just about every point.

  • NoWireHangers

    It’s clear that for conservative writers the bar is significantly lower. You can shit on your keyboard, title the following jumble of letters and numbers “O-dumb-a Teabag Meteor PeeBo” and cash a fat check that keeps you rich in fleshlights and corn nuts for the rest of your days.

  • Extemporanus

    Jonah “Fail Bop Comet” Goldberg gave Chris “Gassy Giant” Dodd prostate cancer.

    Asshole.

  • imissopus

    It’s like he and Bobby Jindal got high together and this column was the result.

  • SlouchingTowardsWasilla

    I’m confused now. Between this pile of crap and Cohen’s, which article is worse?

  • Accordion-o-rama

    Despite Goldberg’s laughable scientific gaffes in the article, asteroid avoidance technology is a reasonable subject for funding, largely because there is a non-trivial (maybe 1/100 over a century?) threat level and because the technology to deal with the problem is feasible and reasonably inexpensive compared to the consequences. This differs from global warming where the feasible approaches to the problem are still lacking. Now Jonah doesn’t realize this. he’s jumping on the issue just to mock his bogey-men. Funny, I would have taken asteroid avoidance to be a liberal forward-thinking issue, one conservatives would mock, but I guess if your world view is dominated by Tom Clancy and Left Behind novels, maybe the apocalyptic aspect makes it worthy of his consideration.

  • GreatOldOnesParty

    [re=375206]Terry[/re]: Most offensive T-Shirt ever?
    It used to be on T-Shirt Hell but they had to take it down since it was so bad.
    “I (Airplane Crashing) NY”

  • Accordion-o-rama

    [re=375545]Accordion-o-rama[/re]: To hell with pronoun consistency.

  • GreatOldOnesParty

    Talk about potential-disaster hysteria…
    Remember this?
    [url]http://www.deviantyouth.com/images/demotivation/demo-hadron_collider.jpg[/url]

  • imissopus

    [re=375545]Accordion-o-rama[/re]: If a liberal had proposed what Goldberg’s proposing the right wing would be tearing him a new one right now. There would be no end to the vitriol from Rush, O’Reilly, Hannity, et al.

  • bitchincamaro

    [re=375100]mattbolt[/re]: Hifuckinlarious.

  • Gallowglass

    [re=375500]imissopus[/re]: The exorcism took place off screen. Gotta cast out the asteroid demons. Get thee behind me and all that.

    [re=375545]Accordion-o-rama[/re]: Only peripherally OT, but it grievously upsets me to find out that actual adults take Tom Clancy seriously and are willing to be seen in public reading his pulp trash instead of covering it so people think they’re just reading harmless scat porn or whatever. I recognized that his books weren’t “good” when I was like 12 and had progressed to actively hating everything about them by the time I was 15. I guess he shares a demographic with Michael Bay, namely, Jonah Goldberg.

Previous articleOMG Obama and Some Other Dudes Drank Beers On the TeeVee
Next article‘Blue Dogs’ Are Worst Invention Since Pepsi Clear