Wonkette
A number of understandably perplexed readers have forwarded us this weird, offensive e-mail from the notorious spammer “Mitch Stewart, BarackObama.com,” who wants us to donate money to the DNC — one dollar a day “until real health insurance reform is signed into law,” so as to “show the insurance companies and their allies in Congress that their delay tactics will only make our movement stronger.” Well that’s a great idea, pretend Obama organizing troupe at the DNC! But down here on Planet Earth, we’re going to tell you “no,” and also maybe to eat a bag of lightly salted poison rat dicks.
So first they want money, because their massive majorities and executive positions in several thousand wings of government have been unable to finish a bill. “Your donation will help us to keep training volunteers, hiring organizers, running ads, organizing local events, bringing constituent voices straight to Congress, and make sure real-life stories are heard louder than the lobbyists’ spin,” this stupid evil e-mail from Hell tells us, as though we are SIX-YEAR-OLD RETARDED CHILDREN FROM OUTER SPACE.
Why have more local events, or bring more hobos to Congress? The public already favors both tax increases on super-millionaires to fund universal coverage and a public option to compete with private insurance, by wide margins, in Polls. The reluctant congressmen are already aware of these facts and these people with their “real-life stories,” and they have chosen to go with the “lobbyists,” who pay them money to bankrupt the country and kill most of its people. Minds will not be changed, so now the more appropriate action w/r/t these evil representatives would be to simply drown them in the Anacostia River, and get on with the business of producing sensible legislation. It’d be too easy! “Hey, Blue Dogs,” you’d say to the slobs, “we hear the insurance lobby dropped a few shiny, fancy nickels in the Anacostia River, just for you — a Treasure Hunt!” “Doggoneit Ima git me dem dere nickel-munnies ‘fore you do, Mike Ross, haw haw haw, derpa derpa derp,” they’d mutter, before drowning in the sludge stream for good.
Uhh… so let’s get back to Mitch Whatever’s terrible, astonishing e-mail: “So I want to ask you for something unusual: Can you chip in $1 each day until we pass real health insurance reform? A huge response will show the insurance companies and their allies in Congress that their delay tactics will only make our movement stronger.” They want to charge $30 at a time, is the thing! “We’ll bill your credit card for 30 days’ worth of donations now and once every month until real health insurance reform is signed into law. When the bill is signed, we’ll refund a prorated amount for that month.”
Yet they do not offer any worst-case contingency info! What if Barack Obama never signed into law “real health insurance reform,” which, depending how you weigh the adjective “real,” is the likely outcome in 60% to 175,000% of current scenarios? Then this deadline would be open-ended, so DNC staffers could literally flush your $30 automatic payments down the toilet, every month, until Piper Palin takes over as dictator in 2034 and saves everything.
Here’s when we’ll give you money, asshole Democrats: when you pass a good health insurance bill with your power and majorities and knowledge of Senate Rules. Well, maybe not money, but we will consider voting for any of you ever again, in the future!
But money right now, for the Democratic Party, to somehow sway the insurance lobby’s biggest allies in Congress? DO THESE FARTS REMEMBER THAT THEY PUT *MAX BAUCUS* IN CHARGE OF REFORMING HEALTH CARE? DO DNC SLOBS EVER *READ* ABOUT MAX BAUCUS? LOOK AT WHAT THE ANCIENT DEMON MAX BAUCUS IS DOING. GOD. JESUS. KIDDIN’ US? JOKING? ARE YOU ATTEMPTING TO MAKE FUNNIES HERE? FUCKBEANS. FUCK. BEANS. BWAH.
Organizing For Health Care [Barack Obama]
Why do we have to pay extra for this shit? Doesn’t Barry own the IRS now?
Can I put the dollar-a-day in my FSA instead?
Suck a dick and no thank you, Mitch!
-M. Titty
Rest assured: Whatever bill passes both the House and Senate, makes it through reconciliation, and lands on the president’s desk will be comprehensive. In its protection of healthcare companies.
Jim, you are understandably upset, but must you mouth rape both Piper AND Trig in the same breath? Have you no shame?! Think of the children! Etc, etc…
How about we *subtract* a dollar a day from congressional salaries until health reform passes?
I will donate one TruckNut(z) per day - starting with 30! - until the Dems get their heads out of their butts and do what they were elected to do. Also. Boo.
“haw haw haw, derpa derpa derp.”
You forgot: “errrr, errrrr.” Otherwise, that paragraph is spot-on perfect.
Since most of these turds are only pretending to give a shit about health care for us Losers, I will send them pretend money. $1 in Monopoly Bucks every day for you, DNC! Hooray!
Please please Puhlease, tell me you actually sent this to the DNC. I am still naive enough that I believe, when confronted with a bag of poison rat dicks, they might say, “Really? Poison rat dicks? Maybe we should re-think this policy.”
Jim, I pledge to chip in $1 a day until your doctor writes you a prescription for stronger antipsychotics.
Then I pledge to break into your medicine cabinet, swallow all of your pills at once, and then drown myself in your toilet because you are right:
THIS. IS. STONE. COLD. FUCKING. ARRGGHHH!!1!
I went back to my inbox and checked and saw that this e-mail had come through. However, I didn’t see it due to the callouses on my retina from repeated rubbing by Mitch Stewart.
At this point, Barry and crew can get my $1.00 a day when they send daily 22-year-old Filipino models over to my house to give me a handjob. You hear that Barry? HANDJOB! And I might think about $1.50 if it ends up being a BJ. Maaaayyyybeeee. But until some form of a public option gets passed, those are the terms if those bastards want to see one more red cent outta TC.
I’m a bit disappointed in all of them, you see.
Give me the health care reform first, here’s the dollar, look, I’ve got it right here, OK, we’ll swap at the same time, ready? Count of three?
Vintage Jim: “a bag of lightly salted poison rat dicks”.
Your ideas are intriguing to me, and I would like to subscribe to your newsletter.
no no no, don’t you eat those poisoned lightly-salted rat dicks, the fierce light of your spleen has momentarily blinded you, didn’t you mean to say “we’re going to feed some nice, crunchy appetizers (ahem, poisonedlightlysaltedratdicks, ahem) to our favorite members of the (terminally-dysfunctional) united states congress, see if that clears up a few logjams”?
Mitch should’ve went with the “Health Care Reform: They are the terrorists” approach.
Asking for money is too typical of a politician. But it shure is change (i.e. in his/DNC’s pocket) he can believe in.
Tell us how you really feel, Jimbo!
Baucus is just working to fix it, gain Republican support, and save $100 BEE.
That’s about the same that Mitch McConnell wants to get Obama supporters to contribute. WIN.
I cut and pasted this rant and sent it as my reply to ole Mitch.
“Unsubscribe.”
I needed to retrieve that bit o’ spam from my trash bin, so that I could reply with a few choice Newell quotes. Ineffective, yes, but like socialised medicine, oh so satisfying.
Dear Democratic Party Stooge,
As soon as we get 40 more senate seats and 179 more house seats, we promise, we’ll have enough votes to approve sending strongly worded letters. Please send us your munnies.
I’m not sure which polls you are looking at saying wide margins of folks want health reform… can you give those? Most of the folks I know do NOT want the govt hands in healthcare and for several reasons:
FEC: Need we say Bernie, form of Govt that oversees Securities, they had madoff in their office a few times, how did he get by with so much cash. the lone ranger, my arhse.
FDA: If O was accurate in his pitch, why is the FDA, who oversees the drug companies, allowing said companies to gouge consumers and insurance companies now?
Medicare: Broke… run by the govt… broke, broke, broke. I paid in, you paid in, show me the money!
Medical: Broke… run by the govt… broke, broke, broke. I pay dearly for.
FCC: my fed, state taxes and surcharges on my land line are more than the charges for my service… for what? Where is that money going? WIIFM? Another greatly run organization of the Govt.
Yeah, lets just let them own more of the American wealth… if you get sick, just enlist.
In the meantime, everyone, let’s not forget that on the Holy Day of 29 July, we should see email from the 2008 competitors as they ask for more donations… and pander for birthday greetings.
“When the bill is signed, we’ll refund a prorated amount for that month.”
What, are you my fracking landlord? From now on, bridge troll Ralph Nader gets all my money, until there is a hobo in every pot.
I especially enjoyed the Subject line of Mitch’s email: “Something Unusual”. I’ve since unsubscribed w/ a “I ain’t donatin’ nuthin’ no mores”.
If they were astute, the Ron Paulites or birthers (are they separate groups) would employ this tactic as well.
(Do the nut jobs have credit cards? Or are they all-cash, trying to stay off the net so they’ll escape the one world dominant government?)
This is my favorite post ever.
I would give a $1 a day if it would involve running ads every day in Montana showing some women in their hospital gurney dying from cancer that could have been prevented if they had health insurance that ends with her turning to the camera and saying “you’re a cowardly weasel Max Baucus.” You could run some in Nebraska, Indiana, North Dakota, and Louisiana too.
beboyer: FAIL.
http://politicalticker.blogs.cnn.com/2009/03/05/poll-do-americans-want-government-health-care-reform/
Try the googles, it can be your friend.
Oh, and about your pointless rant about other federal agencies; Rush called, he wants his talking points back.
I would have donated the money, but I had to buy my daily supply of Twizzlers from the vending machine at work.
beboyer: Did it get boring under that bridge? So whose keeping the billy goat gruff now for beboyer?
LaurenLK: that’s lightly salted poison rat dicks. Too much sodium is bad for you. I think there are also a “barbeque” and “honey mustard” as well (they have the sodium and a lot of other gud stuf).
Please? that is a CNN poll… show me a nonpartisan?
memzilla: Win. Winwinwinwinwinwin. Win.
Man, I must be low on Mitch’s totem pole. I just now got my e-mail. So much for getting my dollar a day.
beboyer: Given that comment and Jim’s state of agitation, your Wonkette life span is going to make the average fruit fly look like, well, a giant tortoise or John McCain.
beboyer: I added a couple of links. 76% favor a public option. And guess what? The 24% who HATE GUBMENT don’t have to choose it, but will have lower premiums at their private insurer, thanks to competition with the public option!
Otherwise, all of that stuff you said about various companies price-gouging and Medicare eating up the federal budget — that’s why we are trying to produce “health care reform,” to stop such things from happening!
Uh, yes, the SEC did a poor job with Bernie Madoff. The obvious answer to this is less laws and enforcement!…??
“FCC: my fed, state taxes and surcharges on my land line are more than the charges for my service… for what? Where is that money going? WIIFM? Another greatly run organization of the Govt.”
(a) Get a cellphone (b) if your taxes and surcharges are more than your service, then YR DOIN IT WRONG, and (c) Your money goes into the “budget.” Your taxes produce the infrastructure necessary to have high-speed national telecommunications! Sure, we could get rid of those taxes, but the PHONES WOULDN’T WERK.
Anyway I have to write a new post now, damn you for distracting me…
Well I wouldn’t go quite that far, Jim, but I was certainly astonished, vomitously so, when this dingbat plea landed in my inbox. Let’s hopey this is Mitch’s swansong — buh bye, dickhead.
I love you, Jim. Hugs. Also.
I was back in Montana over the spring visiting my girlfriend’s mother (a Democrat in Montanta whose worked in the health care industry for years and hates Baucus for being a lobbyist whore) and there was a story in the paper how Baucus sent his aides throughout the state to do townhalls and see what his constituents said about health care. Everywhere they went, they were berated by angry attendees because he wouldn’t support either single payer or a public plan. This, obviously, made a deep impression on him.
Her name is Piper Rodriguez. Those Palin gals don’t just fuck without marryin’
Is “bwah” the new “heghn”? Or however the fuck it was spelled?
ho ho ho
Interestingly enough, my man and I were talking about how O-DUMB-MA was failing rto organize his base around this effort, because what he really does best is to get out and rile people up by talkin’ purty. I was thinking that fundraising might be a part of that, but I pictured it working differently somehow.
Sender: Mitch Stewart, BarackObama.com
Subject: Something Unusual
Body:
Well, those Republicans have done it again, with their sex scandals, and their indiscriminate relationships with interns! We Democrats are left playing catchup! How can we compete with lying about trips to the Appalachian Mountains while shtupping some random lady who holds two beautiful parts of herself? We can’t, that’s how? We can’t, that is, unless you do me a favor. This is an unusual request, but if you truly support your party, come to D.C. and give me a daily blowjob until we have matched the Republicans in sex scandal points. If you agree, you’ll do thirty blowjobs on the first day of the month. When we have matched the Republicans, I’ll prorate back blowjobs to you! Help your party, and service it, too!
Does anyone else get the sneaking suspicion the Republicans are luring the Dems into a compromise to get the bill to floor vote and then yell “Gotcha! Haw haw! We killed your health care reform! Errr, errr”?
Hooray For Anything: I live in MT. I went to Max’s townhall in Missoula, the lefty-pinko stronghold in the state. Max’s CoS is lucky he got out of there w/o us sending him back to Washington w/his nutz in a brown paper bag. Max is dead to me. Also.
I got this e-mail, too.
I sent it to Cindy McCain.
Figured she’d get a laugh out of it.
You know, ’cause everything’s funny to us.
Wait, that email was for real. I assumed it was from Nigeria.
V572625694: Why does Jim prefer “bags of dicks” when so many others prefer “a bowl of dick”? This has perplexed me for far too long!!!
Oh, dear. Ummm… I’m afraid I’ve done something wrong. I actually contributed to the Democrats. Was that bad?
That’s persactly why I love this happy little war blog! Spot on Jim!
I, too, received this email, precisely one day after I wrote to the DNC, upon hearing of the Great Compromise, and told them why I had stopped giving them money(weasely, mealey mouthed, spineless, not enough vote shits). Guess ole Mitch didn’t have time to read it. Why am I starting to have the same eyeball bleeding, brain exploding hatred for the DNC and Max Baucus, et al that I once had only for Dick *Dick* Cheney
Hooray For Anything: “they were berated by angry attendees because he wouldn’t support either single payer or a public plan.”
Oh that’s just swell. So this is how it is up there in Yanqui land, is it? HERE’s what happens when Barry X comes down to our godforsaken corner of GOD’S COUNTRY, to visit a Bristol, Va., free clinic. For the poor. To fix their eyeglasses and rotten teeth. That’s right! Protesters, exercising their Constitutional right to be fucktards.
http://www.knoxnews.com/news/2009/jul/29/obama-visit-bristol-follows-large-free-health-clin/
Oooh, these damnable Insurance Companies with their damnable Lobbying Hands in our damnable Pockets! I call for CONGRESSIONAL WITCH TRIALS!! Pose them a progressively difficult set of policy questions. If they err, shoot them.
Jim Newell: Thank you. I keep hearing idiots on the radio saying things like “I don’t want the government to tell me what my body is doing!”. Well, I can tell you already, fucktard. Your brain is quietly severing all connections to your mouth. Otherwise, you might have some clue that a public option doesn’t FORCE you to have six abortions a year, or whatever. Jeebus, that is why they call it an “option”.
I think I would pay $1 a day to get rid of fucking Zooey Deschanel.
This was beautiful work Jim.
MzNicky: Stupid is as stupid does.
AnnieGetYourFun: The Washington Monthly has a good bit about somebody at a health care town hall saying “”Keep your government hands off my Medicare.”
“…the more appropriate action w/r/t these evil representatives would be to simply drown them in the Anacostia River, and get on with the business of producing sensible legislation. It’d be too easy! “Hey, Blue Dogs,” you’d say to the slobs, “we hear the insurance lobby dropped a few shiny, fancy nickels in the Anacostia River, just for you — a Treasure Hunt!” “Doggoneit Ima git me dem dere nickel-munnies ‘fore you do, Mike Ross, haw haw haw, derpa derpa derp,” they’d mutter, before drowning in the sludge stream for good.”
Good job bringing the funny, Jim. I think we need a mop, however, because the ALL CAPS at the end leads me to believe that your head exploded.
Hooray For Anything: OMG, I would give several dollars a day if that would be the result. We need like a non-pussy wing of the Democratic Party for things like this.
you’ve got to be kidding me, we could give the DNC $1000 dollars a day and not even be in the same league as the mighty health insurance industrial complex. Their paying the teevee networks trillions a day on adds for boner pills alone.
Jim Newell: Wow. That reminds me of my weekend posts and that pretty much tells me you’re allowed to work while drinking (or vice versa). Good gig.
Also, kudos for the w/r/t. A few of us in the truly civilized world have shortened it to wrt, but whatever. Just goes to show that Yglesias isn’t the only raging liberal literature consumer who is compelled to share his view with others.
Five Vets RATM: Single Payer was NEVER on the table
Future of a Nation that can not trust the Government & Propaganda Media?
How many times has the Government & Propaganda Media lied to you?
Chronic lying as career path or intellectual prostitution for paycheck?
Gravel Kucinich Paul Nader McKinney Ventura Sheehan Kaptur.
Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.
Poodles, Puppets, Sham debates, Scam elections.
9/11 liars, AIPAC liars, Federal Reserve liars.
Speak no evil, hear no evil, see no evil?
Greed & corruption or conscience?
Leaks from Whistleblowers.
perotcharts.com
memzilla: brilliant idea, charge congress for their delay on this, no excuse for this not to pass. We are way behind the rest of the world on healthcare, here are 36 countries with universal healthcare options http://www.ranker.com/list/36-countries-with-universal-healthcare/jason
Senators and Congressmen should be required to wear NASCAR-like uniforms that list all of their corporate sponsors so the rest of us know who they really represent.
nader paul kucinich gravel: Where are you?
Suds McKenzie: I am so there with you. I hope one day she has to testify about her chlamydia in front of a Max Baucus-chaired committee sometime after she’s lost every shred of her putative appeal. Which is coming. Oh yes. It’s coming all right. Time is a great healer.
Didja hear the one going around about the guy who is 52 and has cancer and wants to get on the Oregon Plan insurance and supposedly got turned down (most people do; there isn’t enough munny for most of the people who need the state’s public insurance for people who aren’t eligible for Medicare). BUT supposedly he got a nice letter saying he would get free assisted suicide pills. This, I am told, is the Obama plan.
Fuck fuck fuck. I just say FUCK. Fuck EVERYBODY.
Hooray For Anything: Hooray for that.
US health-insurance: too big to fail … also too big to afford a conscience.
Yanks would have A-1 health-care if they paid the docs directly, & did it straight-up, oldschool Chinese-style: the day you get ill is the day Dr. Frank N. Stein stops getting paid - & he doesn’t get one more penny until you’re returned to your previous copacetic condition. The US would be back in the top five nations for life-expectancy in ten years, max.
Suds McKenzie: Hear hear! If I have to look at her simpering face attempt to be both seductive and petulant one more time I mail her a bag of my vomit. In other news, per Wonkette, did you know that (500) Days of Summer is in a theater near you?