Wonkette
WIN OF THE AFTERNOON: Commenting on this ridiculous news that Palin’s shopping around a crappy AM radio talk show, TeddyS provides a chillingly accurate transcript from the near future.
“Welcome to my Real America radio show! This radio show is mine to talk to Real Americans about issues about Real Americans, you betcha’. And also to honor the troops, too, I won’t be making stuff up. My first is why President Osambo is not a Real American, because he was never even born! In the second hour of my Fox Radio Network radio show, the Real America, we will talk on other stuff, like why everybody picks on me and makes stuff up about me. My first Fox poll numbers are in and my new radio show, Really America, has already Number Oned, Numero Uno, as our illegal immigrant friends like to say when they shoot Real Americans. Now this message from my sponsor, the Democratic National Committee.”
Nope. Too coherent. Lacks sports and/or fish analogy.
Some people, the pessimists, who aren’t so patriotic like Fairbanks, you guys, in rugged Fairbanks, Alaska, think that America’s best days were yesterday. What these people just don’t understand, about us real, pro-Americans, are that America’s best days are yet to come. You know when its fourth and goal, and the QB just needs to pass the ball, and the team is down by 1, to win the game for the whole team. That’s me passing the ball for the good of the team. So actually America’s best days are today, too. And yesterday. The fact of the matter that, of those who are pessissments,would suggest that America would have a not best day just hate the troop, who make sure this country is safe, and freedoms. It’s just a crying shame, you betcha, that these people would laugh about Trig.
Needs radio subtitles.
Wait, that was made up?
I can’t see Trig. Needs more Trig.
I pity her call screener.
Where’s that fucking birth certificate, Teddy?
And from episode 230: “And we know that abortion is wrong for mothers, also. And take my word, it doesn’t get better the second time, nope. And but that’s why I chose to keep Trig, knowing even as I gave birth that some would make fun of me for keeping the little thing. Okay, so a message for the media: how about stop making me regret that choice, for Trig’s sake, what do you say?”
Best job in the world. Just reject anyone remotely coherent and give top priority to whiners opposed to nana being starved to death under the soon-to-be-law Federal Euthanasia Act of 2009.
zaccapeters: At least those whiners aren’t as bad as the stupid trash at Palin rallies who force their daughter to hold up a NO SOCIALIZED MEDICINE sign — while their uninsured son is at home laid up on his deathbed.
Not bad, but I think NYNYNYNYNYNY’s counterintuitively succinct transcript nailed Future Palin a little harder.
And it had more Trig, also.
Does she realize that the winking thing doesn’t work on radio. It’s a huge part of her schtick. She cold, I guess, say, “wink-wink” on air, but it really doesn’t have the same magic.
chascates: You asked for it.
(Apropos or not, I promise to never photowhore that desecration again.)
I’d like to say a special hello, out there to all of you, listening to my radio show here on all of the nation’s finest and best stations on the radio and also the value of the radio can be seen here where, y’know - we’ve all just gotta be workin’ together, right, and let’s move on from the politics of the past and here now let’s talk about America which is in my opinion and the opinion of the brave men and women of the United States Military serving for our freedoms and also liberties see that America is the greatest nation in the history and what I believe as an American and as the mother of a soldier and as someone who has undergone great attacks and sacrifice see, gosh, up here in the chilly, glacier-fresh Alaskan air where the real Juneau Sourdough are breathin’ in a lot of that there, right, so what I want to talk about here is the meeeeedia and I believe we have to refocus on drilling oil but also let’s remember the vicious attacks of the so-called mainstream far-media-left elites like those folks there, who say these things, maybe should oh I don’t know maybe refocus on freedom or America and now oh wouldja look I’ve just been all caught up we gotta take a commercial break here I’ll see ya folks soon.
I want to thank the Wonkettes for this magnificent and unexpected honor. Blush.
TeddyS: I give you the Claps! *Clap!!*
Congratulations TeddyS. You are an inspiration to us all. Someday, when our Wonkett, in collaboration with true American birfers, triumphs with good over evil and the inadequate black usurper is removed from office and former Klan member Sen. Robert Byrd is installed as president, we will look back to your Comment of the Day as a turning point in history.
TeddyS: Truly frightening how some minds work.
Oh and congrats!
TeddyS: WHERE’S THAT FUCKING BIRTH CERTIFICATE, MOTHER FUCKER?
my choice, my Wonkette: Good Lord! .. Cindy McCain might see this.
Extemporanus: Once again, someone has desecrated the iconic picture of the love of a greedy, grasping, grifting mother and her beloved offspring/spawn/tool/weapon/prize/gift/punishment.
TeddyS: I’ll look for you on The Daily Show.
zaccapeters: I thought Nana starving to death was Eskimo tradition!
my choice, my Wonkette: WHERE. IS. YOUR. BIRTH. FOR SALE. CERTIFICATE?
At least RONALD REAGAN had one, unlike you Socialist impostors. He was even smart enough to buy one in Iran! Only to suit his terrible co-stars in 1340 A.D. as “WHERE. IS. IT.? WHERE DID THE HOSTAGES GO?”
As far as “I’m concerned,” Wonkette is not your choice, but some sort of secret Muslim-Communist-Fascism thing that has befallen you. GET OUT and enjoy the fruits of SOCIALIST North Dakota.
Medicare is there, you know? After all, that is the worst thing that could ever happen, right?
Alright that was crap, but the only point is “change your fucking name.”
Eh. Wake me when you’re cited on The Daily Show.
Nah, I kid. A richly deserved win. Well played.
TeddyS: Very nice. And I hope you’re prepared when Palin denounces you for suggestively referring to her underage daughter.
shortsshortsshorts: And speaking of her predecessor, the Formerly Living God Who Walked Amongst Us, Quitter Gal will need something more than 40-Mule-Team Borax for her brand. Right-wing Sugar Daddy Coors probably isn’t a good fit for the values folks. She needs the help of some folksy, common people brand like Aunt Jemimah. No wait. Not Uncle Ben’s Rice.
No one makes Moose Helper. Remington makes guns, ammo, and clothes. Yeah, Remington will do.
They’ll need to set her up with a ‘roll-out’ tour which will visit the ‘real folk’ in the Lower 48 with a bluegrass-type band (with Carrie Prejean, perhaps?). Then appearances at second-string ball clubs and religious rallies. I figure a NASCAR tie-in is inevitable. Maybe hosting a show on the Country Music Channel (if it still exists; I’ve been TV sober for some years).
Father Coughlin meets Huey Long meets Anita Bryant.
Done.
I couldn’t tell if she was blinking. Definitely needs more blink.
Still, talk radio is a good fit for Palin. It tends to work best if you are crazy and no one cares if you speak the truth.
godammit! I try so hard to put together a pitch-perfect semi-literat wingnut logorrhea, and you people do it so much better before I even get a chance. I hate you all *sob!*
If she gets a radio show, though, we should make a pact to call up every twenty minutes, yell about immigrants/gays/gubmint/whatever, and then DEMAND that we all recite the Pledge of Allegiance. On the radio. Again. Every twenty minutes.
Let’s see how many times per hour we can force Caribou Barbie to recite the Pledge per hour.
Today, on my show on the talky-not-seey box, we will be talking about The Iraq and our brave men and women who fight for our freedoms like an Empress Penguin fights for her single youth. Because, unlike the terrist paller-arounder Barack Obama, I love The Real America, and as such the brave troops of these United States protecting us from The Russia, etc…
I read that with the voice of SP in my head. I now must go wash my brain out with soap.
TeddyS: Well done but watch out. Shebilly Who Must be Obeyed may hunt you down and force you to be her speech writer.
Junie B. Jones, Former Governor.
I’m thinking the first day would go something like…
Sarah, you need to speak into the microphone. That’s not a microphone; it’s a beauty pageant trophy. No that’s a broom. Haven’t you ever seen a broom? Now don’t get mad. Sarah. Sarah. What do you mean you’re quitting? You haven’t started yet. Bitch.
Will Shatner be her sidekick? Pretty please?
(Congrats Teddy S.!!)
When if finally dawns on Fox executives that you can’t really - you know - look at someone on a radio show, and that - maybe, just maybe - the only thing remotely attractive about Sarah Palin is her, uh, attractiveness, they will quit on her like an Alaskan bitch Governor we all know.
Also.
Trying to read that made my eyes cross.
As a purveyor of Palinese, you have my respect, TeddyS. Almost as much as her speechwriter. http://tinyurl.com/klglh6
Everyone should see William Shatner reading Palin’s Bat-Quano-Crazy Speech as a poem on “The Tonight Show.”
Score one for Conan, the show, and Mr. Shatner!
how about seeing birth certificates for Trig and Trip! i bet her daughter mothered both kids. you betcha, honey.
What about the tiny, delicate, small, sparkle pony starlets and the cheekocuks and the sourdoughs!
Stylistically it reminds me of Dr. Frasier Crane — after a series of shock treatments, LSD and a prefrontal lobotomy performed by a former girlfriend. She could call it “Frasier Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest.” Greeting: “Hello, America, I’m listening — to you and The Voices.”
Teddy, you did that so well, I suspect you might be related. Are you hiding your REAL name?
Timber? Torque? Taser? Tractor? Tevo?
“I wish I had a set of bongos! Bongo fury… bongo fury…”
–Captain Beefheart
have I been banned?
Oh, shit, have I been banned?