Wonkette
SHUT UP, CLOWN-MOOSE: Erratic wingnut Sarah Palin is ready to rehabilitate her comical image! Only 23% of Americans approve of this fame-crazed snowbilly grifter — Hi, Republican base! — so it’s time for Palin to “write” an op-ed for the important neo-con pamphlet The Washington Post. It’s an unfunny collection of super-short paragraphs about how Obama will destroy America by, uh, let’s see, how about that cap-and-trade stuff nobody in this country understands, even though it might help the Earth, as far as the Melting? Thank Allah the entire WaPo copy desk spent a few days on this thing, so it wouldn’t read like Sarah’s late-night dumbass Twitters. [Washington Post]
Preemptive class action lawsuit against Wonketteer comments in 3,2,1…
Let us think of the poor editor who had to go over her words and, judging by how well the piece reads, had to completely rewrite it for her. It was bad enough having to see Karl Rove in print and on TV like some over-exposed new sitcom star. Palin will cause more people than ever to ignore the media and possibly return to reading actual books. And that would be the best thing, the only good thing she could ever do for her country.
I really hope we are finally letting “Sarah be Sarah” because is bound to make some incredible material.
I know I’ve said this before but if she made and Osbournes-like reality TV show, I would certainly watch. There would be bound to be a meth overdose (or unexplainable basement fire) within the first 6 weeks.
Ya know, when I saw Janeane Garofalo call the teabaggers “racist” on Countdown a while back, I felt she was a bit over the edge. But now, after a few more months of this claptrap, I understand her point. The can’t say the n word, so the say EVERYTHING else. They can’t pull off the fear-mongering about terrorists hidden in every airport any longer, so they have to push the “darkies are taking over” message that much harder. If that fails, they criticize his choice of mustard, who’s butt he’s looking at, or whether cap and trade will destroy America.
Does anyone else get the impression that she actually understands cap and trade as well as she grasps the Bush doctrine?
American prosperity has always been driven by the steady supply of abundant, affordable energy. Particularly in Alaska, we understand the inherent link between energy and prosperity, energy and opportunity, and energy and security. Consequently, many of us in this huge, energy-rich state recognize that the president’s cap-and-trade energy tax would adversely affect every aspect of the U.S. economy.
Varied sentence structure. Dependent clause. Parallelism. Dependent clause and layering of modifiers. Conclusion. FRAUD ALERT! FRAUD ALERT! FRAUD ALERT!
Congrats to the WaPo for once again thinking outside the box. Now it’s time to take the next logical step and give Charlie Manson the column he’s been so unfairly denied all these years.
I bet she has already re-decorated Dan Froomkin’s old cubicle and lined one of his desk drawers with bear bunting so that Trig has a place to sleep.
This piece was obviously written by some oil company lobbyist or PR person. Not even the Wapo can put things in such a tacky way.
BTW, in Darwinian terms, the gradual suicide of the human race is not a reversible phenomenon. We’re not the fittest, that’s all.
Via http://www.themudflats.net/:
“Well, we now know the first thing on soon-to-be-ex-governor Sarah Palin’s list of things to do after quitting her current post on July 26.
Partisan? - check
No media allowed? - check
Invitation only to ensure friendly crowd? - check
Somehow tied to Ronald Reagan? - check
Republican Women Federated of Simi Valley announced Palin was scheduled to speak to the group’s private gala on Aug. 8 at the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library in California. The event — reporters will not be allowed to attend — will take place in an airplane hangar that houses a retired presidential aircraft Air Force One and will stir more questions about her curious resignation.”
Using just her pinky-finger, it must have taken her weeks to pound this out. After a few months of being mayor of Alaska I would have assumed she figured out that the state was able to bankroll its extravagant lifestyle because of taxes on Big Oil. Pure magic!
And via the Anchorage Daily News:
“Sarah Palin won’t have the title of Alaska governor for much longer, but she gained a new one on Monday: fundraising queen. Her political action committee has reportedly raised nearly a million dollars since Palin created it at the end of January.
Palin intends to use the SarahPAC money to campaign for candidates nationwide and to spread her message after she resigns as governor on July 26.”
Too bad McCain never read Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein
Not enough also’s.
drrty martini: “After a few months of being mayor of Alaska I would have assumed she figured out that the state was able to bankroll its extravagant lifestyle because of taxes on Big Oil.”
Actually, they were not even able to pull that off. Palin is leaving with Alaska running a pretty impressive deficit for the small amount of people that live there.
Ken:
Though the just-under-the-end-of-day-wire-if-you’re-a-Left-Coast-living-desert-dwelling-hermit Palin post is much appreciated, why were we—your woefully winsome Wonkettariat—not afforded a similar opportunity to weigh-in on Monday’s New York TImes cover story, which featured this iconic representation of The Quitta from Wasilla desecrating a special needs child, with a Sharpie?
Did Robert Stacy McCain’s recent factual statement that you are a “violent cocksucker” compel you to avoid inadvertently encouraging commentating that could contain content offensive to the chromosomally-challanged?
The Times said her hair was falling out. I want a complete investigation. Wonkette, what the fuck are you doing reporting on her op ed piece? HAIR FALLING OUT. I want, no I NEED to know more NOW. Get on it.
Extemporanus: Win
saggyboobedhag: Uh, I think you must’ve slept in this morning.
“Drill , baby, drill” sums up the entire article.
PhyrePhox: But now, after a few more months of this claptrap, I understand her point. The can’t say the n word, so the say EVERYTHING else.
Welcome to our world.
Extraction Industry Lobbyist [*smacks own head*]. Of COURSE! *This* is Caribour Barbie’s next nominal gig, while she does the Republitard Kingmaking thing.
And since the State of Alaska redistributes the wealth from oil industry licensing, while simultaneously being the largest per-capita recipient of Federal Tax Munniez, it means that she is a Double Secret Certified Socialist
MuslinGore-Texian.She’s fooled Faux News big-time! Oh, The Huge Hannity!
hobospacejunkie: I ordered the Bread Baker’s Apprentice from Amazon. As well as a shitload of ‘classic’ bartending manuals.
The ironic beauty in this plan? Soon, even the most ardent liberal will understand supply-side economics.
Please explain how this energy money “trickles down” from places like Saudi Arabia, Sarah. And explain how a carbon tax would hurt nuclear power and other currently more expensive U.S. sources of energy. Also, do tell us whether Bill Clinton has the distinguishing birthmark his rape victim described on his private parts, based on the hot night you spent with him when you crossed paths in Houston in 1982, slut.
Those who understand the issue (cap & trade) know we can meet our energy needs and environmental challenges without destroying America’s economy.
Typically nonsensical winger argument these days. They don’t offer an idea of their own. They simply offer the reader a choice: either we have cap & trade or WE DESTROY AMERICA’S ECONOMY.
And how cute, she shows her deep understanding of the issue by calling it “cap & tax” a couple paragraphs later. Ha ha ha. No mention of solar, an idea wingers could get behind and call their own and maybe even grab some voters with. Propose tax incentives (what they love most) to bring initial adoption costs down, make all R&D into solar tax deductible maybe. But no, just drill here there & everywhere. And throw a one-paragraph bone to Big Coal, which is well on its way to completely destroying the entire state of West Virginia. But it’s getting cleaner!
Also, I didn’t realize that “Westerners literally sit on mountains of oil and gas.” When did this happen? And of course we can all consider the possibility of nuclear energy. In fact we have, in central Texas. It was sold to us as “too cheap to meter.” Now we get none of our electricity from the plant, yet 30-40% of our bills pay for the non-producing plant. Yes, nuclear energy is our future.
We can safely drill for U.S. oil offshore and in a tiny, 2,000-acre corner of the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge
Liar. All the oil in the ANWR is not in one little corner. Those 2000 acres will be spread throughout the ANWR and pollute it irretrievably. And for relatively small amounts of oil which would take years to get to market. It’s a bad idea economically and environmentally.
For so many reasons, we can’t afford to kill responsible domestic energy production or clobber every American consumer with higher prices.
If there are so many reasons we can’t afford cap and trade why aren’t you telling us what they are you stupid bunny brain? Nice resurrection of the versatile and under-appreciated word, clobber, though.
Yeah, so let’s continue to ignore the giant nuclear blast furnace eight light-minutes away that plants learned to use millions of years ago, without help from government or private industry. Why are plants smarter than humans?
How did WaPo have time to publish this? You know, between their whoring and prostituting and private salons and all? What a worthless rag of a paper, they’ve become.
Why oh why do we have these fluff articles on issues of no import. Don’t you people know NoBama’s telliprmterzzz crashed to the floor today? Am I the only one who cares about world events!1!!1
Caribou Missy Moosefucker is in the WaPo????
Katherine Graham is spinning at 20,000 RPM in her grave.
The same woman who wrote that I’m Quittin’ Nyah Nyah Nyah “speech” wrote this?
My ass.
PS — Oh, also. What will Howie write about this, huh, huh?
Ugh.
LoweredPeninsula: Seriously. What the fuck has happened to WaPo? Didn’t they just spank the Times, Pulitzer-wise, a couple of years ago? And now…
I don’t see much of a future for Palin as a shaper of pro-Republic public opinion. After all, her own husband and eldest son won’t vote Republican: http://boyculture.typepad.com/boy_culture/2009/07/tracking-poll.html
And as for Katharine Graham, her zombie is likely to rise from the grave and choke ol’ Moose Jaw to death for sullying the pages of the WashPo.
BMK: On behalf of Chromosomally-Challanged-Americans everywhere, I thank you!
Though countless challanges remain yet before us—properly spelling the word “challenges” being among them—I am confident that someday—someday soon and God willing!—an extra 21st chromosome will be viewed by all U.S. Americans as something more than just a hoo-haa-hatched albatross, and that those with special needs will acquire the warm and welcoming patina historically associated with national treasures such as The Statue of Liberty, and also George Hamilton.
They don’t call it “The 21st Century” for nothin’, amirite?!
(Ha ha ha! Ha ha!)
Extemporanus: from the New York Times
In late March, a senior official from the Republican Governors Association headed for Alaska on a secret mission. Sarah Palin was beset by such political and personal turmoil that some powerful supporters determined an intervention was needed to pull her governorship, and her national future, back from the brink.
The official, the association’s executive director, Nick Ayers, arrived with a memorandum containing firm counsel, according to several people who know its details:
Nick Ayers.
Brother of William perhaps????
Look whose now palling around with terrorists’ (namesakes).
American prosperity has always been driven by the steady supply of abundant, affordable energy
To the point that we’ve become junkies and bogarted most of the planet’s oil. That is unsustainable in a finite world, Nimrod of the North.
Funny how conservatives object conservation.
Some people can’t even quit right.
“Unfortunately, many in the national media would rather focus on the personality-driven political gossip of the day than on the gravity of these challenges.”
Even when she’s pushing energy oil bullshit, she’s playing the victim.
Kristol Light? As a liberal blogger would say, you’d think a “blow job” or two would get you a better ghost writer.
SayItWithWookies: “Many states have abundant coal, whose technology is continuously making it into a cleaner energy source”.
Short choppy sentence, confused structure, oddly construed use of the active voice (”technology making it into”). Totally fucked up dependent clause. Authentic Palin. Wonder how this one slipped past the editors. Maybe Jesus Spice was really proud of it and insisted?
Oh God, the thought of this brain-dead attention addict blundering around with only the spokesdrones she’s willing to pay for to run interference is making me so hard I just flipped my desk over.
That’s the last straw. I am muslin now.
Hunger Tallest Palin: I’m laughing so hard my stomach’s aching. BTW, where you’d come up with that name?
LoweredPeninsula: Probs from a Palin name generator like this: http://politsk.blogspot.com/2008/09/sarah_13.html
there are several out there. This one makes me Claw Washout Palin which I rather like. I found another that has me as Meth Grinder Palin. Hunget Tallest Palin is of course better than either.
I’m not advocating arson, but I think someone should gather up every issue of the Washington Post and light them all on fire in front of whoever edit this claptrap’s house.
She’s on the cover of Time and in the WaPo? She makes her money shitting on the media and they give her a pulpit to do it from.
That said, I hope she’s the GOP candidate in 2012. This is much too much fun.
LoweredPeninsula: You can try it for yourself: http://politsk.blogspot.com/2008/09/sarah_13.html. I’m Krinkle Bearcat Palin.
Palin in the Washington Post. Liz Cheney on MSNBC. I’m glad they still make crossword puzzles and Law & Order reruns.
We are so fucked without Michael Jackson. When is Bono going to flip his crazy switch and start buying up dead people’s bones so we can have another 24/7 media spectacle to distract us from the depressing media spectacles that hold actual power?
Sarah leaves Alaska in flames…http://newsminer.com/news/2009/jul/14/interior-alaska-bakes-and-burns/
hobospacejunkie: Thanks. My only excuse: west coast.
“The ironic beauty in this plan? Soon, even the most ardent liberal will understand supply-side economics.”
Sarah, hon, why don’t YOU explain it for us.
Aaaaaaand the Washington Post, after firing Dan Froomkin and regularly publishing William Kristol, Charles Krauthammer, David Broder, Richard Cohen, George Will, and crypto-fascist unsigned editorials by head jackass Fred Hiatt, has FINALLY hit bottom. Marianas Trench-bottom.
How long did it take to edit out all the typed *WINK*s?
Recent statement: “Make no mistake. Only dead fish go with the flow to be president of the Senate and then you got the chance to read any of them newspapers that have been in front of you over all these years, even Wasilla Post, nicknamed WAPO, from the real America. Now stop hair-assing me, all you LIBRULS.”
Terry:
“Because it’s what Ronnie would do.”
Servo: Closest to God, furthest from humanity…
The Post has just had its 3rd or 4th round of buyouts. The ombudsman wrote a piece a few weeks ago titled “Fewer Copy ediotrs, More errors”(or very similar). I’m guessing that there are very few decent editors left so trash like Snowbilly get printed. I am sure if we could just get the crossword and Suduko delivered- we could skip the rest of the paper(and I am not the one who wants to get it- I read the Express and Wonkette- what more do I need?).
Chickensmack:
…and completely numb to their beloved Jeebus’ teachings of tolerance and compassion.
What I got from this word salad was that God put the oil in the ground so we could drill it up.
God apparently doesn’t care about the land, animals and people above the oil, he just wants that damn oil out of the ground.
So get crackin’, people.
SayItWithWookies: Win. Also, Freshman English Comp EPIC FAIL.
Servo: Numb is good. Incapacitated is better. Decapitated FTW.
The part I like is about God putting all that good oil right under her feet, “on American soil”. Obviously, he was either ignorant or or willfully ignoring his own geologic and stratigraphic traditions there.
This is about on par with praying to God that he will help YOUR team win the football game.
Following on the literary success of this piece, Sarah Palin will begin her “autobiography” with “Hear me, oh muse!,” or “Call me Ishmael.”
Oh my fucking god. Is it too early to start drinking yet??
I believe the city was left with 20 million in debt. Palin started her hockey rink on land she had no clear title to, so legal fees were in the millions.
Now, her stupid 3000 mile pipeline deal has to go over two Canadian provinces where the Native people have veto over land use. Good luck with that.
uhhhh…oops:
http://nomoremister.blogspot.com/2009/07/i-guess-she-had-her-fingers-crossed.html
Bring me the head of Sarah the Palin!
Problem is that it’s the 23% of the population that’s HEAVILLY ARMED that loves her.
Written by a lobbyist, or a Sarah staffer who will be her ghost should she get a job as a lobbyist which she won’t because she can’t be taken seriously. What I want to know is how she gets away with this shit? Unbelievable that they’d publish this! I mean “progressing”????? When the fuck did progress become a verb?
I’m impressed. Palin’s slop-ed rant displays an ignorance for the subject so profound it’s almost brave to go public with it.
Almost.
WickedWitch: Just remember , it is always 5 PM somewhere(or noon-lunch or 10:30 am- brunch time)
Reading between the lines of her column.
And by her… I mean, the ghost writer for her book who took time out of spinning her life to spin her opinions.
http://marmel.com/2009/07/sarah-palin-wrote-this-in-the-same-way-i-can-fart-gold/
Now, with comparative baby-dangling!
- Steve
Since Sarah believes that dinosaurs and man coexisted on a 6,000 year old earth, her invisible man in the sky would have to have put the oil under the ground. 6,000 years is clearly not enough time to turn dead stegosauri and unicorns into oil, duh. And as far as god putting the oil in AMERICA…he can obviously look into the future and be sure that what libruls call “natural” resources would be located where his most favorite, cherished people would be. And god put a big fault line out west so that the homosexuals and fornicators could be dropped into the sea.
Of course, if you follow this logic, then god is a huge Frank Herbert fan and he gave power over the majority of the spice to the fremen. And Sarah, sugartits, you’re a Harkonnen.
and, bonus, NOT TRUE! Clean coal, in her dreams.
Why didn’t God put the oil into tankers or above ground storage lakes so we could get it without killing other parts of God’s universe? Huh, huh, why not!?
and why does God hate Amputees?
God cures diseases with preachers, why not regrown an arm?
Servo:
It’s just gotcha journalist to ask her mean stuff like that.
hobospacejunkie: Amen to all you said. But this is gold: “Why are plants smarter than humans?” I think you might have meant to say: it’s clear that plants are smarter than Bible Spice & her 23% base of worshippers(of course, that wouldn’t be a big stretch, even for my begonias!)???
The heck with the Marfa Lights get David Morrell to explain the phenomena of Sarah Palin with his storytelling genius.
The first time I read it, it didn’t make any sense… then I went back and read it again, but read it like she was speaking it out loud to me in my brain, and I found myself unconsciously slashing at my wrists with a pen that had been sitting next to my computer.
DON’T READ IT IN HER VOICE. THAT WAY LIES DOOM.
Argument one: Washington politicians won’t let us drill for oil in Alaska.
Two: Many states have abundant resources, and we should be using them.
So you see, yea, we should choose for our state, yes, and for other states too, you betcha.
Extemporanus: In fairness to Ken, Sara included that article in Monday morning’s Briefing. Gotta set your alarm clock a little earlier…
SayItWithWookies: I wholeheartedly concur. Unless of course “inherent”, consequently”, and “aversely” were on her Word of the Day Desk Calendar.
Nah- the odds of her learnin’ those words AND using them correctly in a complex sentence- not gonna happen.
And even with all that help, she stills sounds like a whiner.
…paranoia self destroya
The ironic beauty in this plan? Soon, even the most ardent liberal will understand supply-side economics.
WTF. How does political affiliation have anything to do with understanding economic theories? I understand supply side economics because I took an economics class in college. I have lost all faith in the ability of newspapers to publish anything substantive or newsworthy.
Will someone please make her go away????
Makes me envy illiterates. Just think, soon she’ll have loads of free time to excrete much, much more microcephalic concern-trolling brain-snot exactly like this!
*weeps*
I’m going from “Patience, This Too Shall Pass” rapidly toward “KILL IT WITH FIRE” when it comes to The Never-Ending Saga Of Caribou Klaus Barbie … & bury the ashes at a fucking crossroads under a crucifix & go over the whole area with a Super-Soaker loaded with holy-water, just to be on the safe side, also.
Sarah thought the op-ed was going to be about her little fun moose cap and then they broke the news to her. Ruh-roh.
If this is going to be a regular WaPo column, they’re gonna have to hire a permanent Army of copy editors……
Since she’s in dire need of dough, wonder how much they’re paying her for her “writing”?
Todd Mecklem: Ahh, not sure how I missed that. Thank you—I stand corrected (she went with the “thinning hair” angle?), and my previous comments should be summarily ignored.
Per your suggestion, I’ve re-set my alarm to 8am EST—which is like 3am my time, or something, I think—to ensure that this doesn’t happen again.
A Better American Than YOU: My kudos to Sen. Inhofe’s staff and the freeper Center for Individual Freedom for dictating this Op-Ed piece to Moosezilla. And to you, governor for your excellent shorthand.
Sound familiar?
*******
http://www.qando.net/?tag=cap-and-trade
“Sen. James Inhofe (R-Okla.) presented the chart to both Jackson and Secretary Chu, which shows that meaningful emissions reductions cannot occur without aggressive action by China, India, and other developing countries.”
******
http://www.cfiflistmanager.org/killcapandtradebe.html
“….Republican Study Committee …. ‘At a time when families across the country are struggling to make ends meet, [etc.].’
“Make no mistake; “Cap-and-Trade” is not just a confiscatory income killer… it’s a job-killer as well. And, just where do you think all those jobs are going to go? They’re going to go to China and India, countries that have no intention of crippling their emerging economies with ridiculous “Cap-and-Trade” schemes.”
Type in a newsy buzzword phrase (”Cap and trade”, “Michael Jackson”, “Fusion Mojitos”) and the PunditMaster software sifts the internet according to the point of view pre-selected to assemble op-ed pieces from recycled catch phrases. You start it up, the computer does the rest. This beta test is flawless, Sarah and the Video Professor have a hit on their hands. Anyone can now create mindless blogs on any topic in seconds. Watch for the special Platinum Pro edition with ALL CAPS and selective mis-spelling options to give it that real touch.
Funny little thing about the article– Alaska is one of the places getting hit the hardest by global warming. You would think that as Governor of a state that is losing towns, losing animals, losing glaciers, and has to constantly repave roads due to global warming would have some clue about all of that.
http://www.eoearth.org/article/Impacts_of_global_warming_in_Alaska
But, no.
I hate her.
Lilybart: Why do you want to make America dependent on the oil of our muslim enemies?
****
http://www.npc.org/reports/DTG-final.pdf
Balancing Natural Gas Demand
September 2003
National Petroleum Council
….
“North America’s abundant coal resources have
made the development of clean coal combustion
technology a high priority.”
….
lizard scum: At least she finally used the word ironic properly. Actually, it was probably her ghostwriter, wasn’t it? Shoot, for a moment I thought the glass was half-full.
Okay, so Goldman Sachs posts a $3.4 billion profit for the last quarter. That’s just 15 times *less* than Exxon-Mobil’s yearly profit last year. Does Sarah Palin realize that people are ready to *guillotine* these profiteers, so *maybe* it’s not such a great idea to be such an unapologetic shill for them?
Oh, and hey, joyeux Bastille Day!
S.Luggo: Thank you for pointing out the quotes that Sarah got from her Republican Regurgitator sources. What she said into her Celebrity Cathy Microphone was: “Blah blah bloo bloo, I quit!” and it got ghost-written up as a smart little the WaPo Op-Ed about washing coal by hand and envying the Chinese someday. “You’ll see, even ardent liberals!” Someday soon, she will say these things to us from her anchor desk, turning her swivel chair to meet the camera and give us a meaningful, sturdy type look right before she breaks for a Sonic ad.
Georgia Burning: Palin uses rival software, “BrainSalad.”
chascates: Hey, that’s nothing WE raised that much in a weekend for Ed Twinkletoes when Michele Barkface make a total twat of herself on national television one day and we decided to give Ed some money for his run. Perspective, peeps.
The piece includes only one reference to God and two references to how Alaskans know stuff no one else does, so she’s improving.
Seems I remember a 60 minutes piece about a year ago, where the head of BP stated the USA has 3% of the worlds proven oil reserves yet uses 25% of the worlds oil. I always wondered why some intrepid reporter might have asked bible spice how we can drill our way to energy independence with those numbers. Then I remembered good reporting is dead.
“Our 3,000-mile natural gas pipeline will transport hundreds of trillions of cubic feet of our clean natural gas to hungry markets across America” writes Mooselini. Interesting, because the bad old US of A guv’mint estimates that as of January 1, 2009, all of North America contains 283 trillion cubic feet of natural gas reserves. And, North America includes Mexico, a major gas producer. Current world consumption is a little over 100 trillion cf per year, so that is less than a three year world market supply. And, since there is no snark in the preceding comment, let me bring to the Wonketteers attention that even the great WaPo rewrite team left in the Bible Spice howler “Westerners literally sit on mountains of oil and gas…” Literally? Mountains of gas? Also.
jasper f. krone:
Ha ha! My name would be Buster Taint Palin. Priceless. Taintless!