Wonkette
All that Mark Sanford business has gotten pretty boring, so let’s turn our attention to the other Republican extramarital romancer, John Ensign. Remember this guy, and how he made beautiful love with his friend’s wife even though the friend repeatedly implored him to quit with his beautiful love-making? Ensign’s not quite as good a writer as Sanford. Or maybe it’s fairer to say he’s sort of Hemingway to Sanford’s Faulkner.
Compare and contrast, kiddies! Ensign to mistress:
I was completely self-centered and only thinking of myself. I used you for my own pleasure not letting thoughts of you, Doug, Brandon, Blake or Brittany come into my mind.
Versus Sanford to mistress:
I have been specializing in staying focused on decisions and actions of the head for a long time now — and you have my heart. You have oh so many attributes that pulls it in this direction. Do you really comprehend how beautiful your smile is? Have you been told lately how warm your eyes are and how they softly glow with the special nature of your soul.
God, Ensign, what a pig. Of course his letter was more of a break-up note, but still! No need to tell a lady that you hooked up with her because she was the best alternative to a clean tube sock.
Moving on. What the hell was a Christian cabal of Tom Coburn and other lamers doing telling John Ensign to dump his mistress and bribe her to go away? That does not seem very Christian, the bribery part.
Hampton and Ensign were bonded by their conservative evangelical faith. Hampton said he reached out to intermediaries involved in a Christian fellowship home in Washington, D.C., where Ensign and several other powerful Washington figures live.
The group, including Coburn, a well-known conservative, confronted Ensign and suggested that the Hamptons needed to be given financial assistance — in the millions of dollars — to pay off their $1 million-plus mortgage and move them to a new life away from Ensign.
But the weirdest part of all might be how the gal’s husband kept telling Ensign to back off, and Ensign just kept romancin’ all over the guy’s wife, even after he wrote the infamous Tube Sock letter. The suggestion is that the mistress was somehow powerless in his thrall and simply could not rebuff his dirty advances. Who was this guy, Dracula?
Hampton speaks publicly, says Ensign pursued affair despite advice [Las Vegas Sun]
One reason these right-wing ballsacks love to have the buttseks with their friends’ wives is that when you take a man’s woman away from him, it’s sort of like fucking him yourself.
Ensign and Doug never got past jacking each other off, so he had to take Doug’s woman.
Senator Peterman was also quoted as saying “It will always be Nevada to me!”
Oh please. Sanford=Faulkner FAIL. His writing is more along the lines of Jane Austen or one of the Brontes. And as for Ensign? He’s more in the reportorial school, like Truman Capote, only with better hair and slightly less gay.
“I was using your body to masturbate with and your husband gets annoying.”
“…suggested that the Hamptons needed to be given financial assistance — in the millions of dollars — to pay off their $1 million-plus mortgage and move them to a new life away from Ensign.”
Typical fundie “Christians”: let’s engage in some quasi-criminal activity bc when we go to church on sunday, jeebus will forgive us our sins. Oh and p.s., this only works if you’re in the Gee Oh Pee; democrats need not apply.
Hampton and Ensign were bonded by their conservative evangelical faith and porking the same vagina.
Meanwhile Larry Craig wrote something similar to his wife:
I was completely self-centered and only thinking of myself. I used you as a vessel for my own pleasure letting thoughts of Jose, Doug, Brandon, Blake or Tiff the Tranny come into my mind.
I used you for my own pleasure not letting thoughts of you, Doug, Brandon, Blake or Brittany come into my mind.
What?! I always think of others when I’m havin’ a little sexytime. Well, not guys… that’s not the way I swing. But John Ensign, if that what it takes for you to get off… great!
The cited article includes:
“Hampton said Ensign paid the woman $25,000 in severance when she stopped working for the senator.
“If true, Ensign faces a possible felony violation of campaign finance law if he paid the severance but failed to report it as an in-kind contribution to the campaign committees where she worked, according to ethics complaints filed against him.”
Is that “in-kind” or “too-kind?”
Memo to Sara: Love your work. You are running the risk of overdoing the “tube sock” references. TMI about a former friend of yours?
“This is the most important letter that I’ve ever written.”
Always the self-promoter.
Dammit, Wonkette! You’re undermining my utter contempt for Sanford.
“the Hamptons needed to be given financial assistance — in the millions of dollars — to pay off their $1 million-plus mortgage and move them to a new life away from Ensign.”
That’s alot of hush-up whore diamonds
he maybe no dracula but im sure he staked her like buffy.
Oh, and Ensign looks about as exciting as tube sock to me. Don’t get the apparent “hold” he had over this lady. But then again I don’t “get” nearly anything about conservatives.
You’re right: I couldn’t say no to the hair, mostly because it has better prose and handwriting than its victim.
bust this ensign back down to midshipman. he can service the captain, arghh!
No wonder Dubya used to have a guy right next to him with a bottle of Purel. It’s the only safe way to shake hands with Republicans.
That Jeebuser dorm for whackadoodle bornagain congressmen must be some fucking house of weird.
SayItWithWookies: You’ll need a drum of Purel to “shake hands” like most GOP’ers…
So, if I read this right, he was just using her for his pleasure, but if he really wanted her to have pleasure, he would have had some demented six-way with her entire family?
He broke Rule #1. PromiseKeepers never get caught.
Speaking of hypocrisy and failure. Sarah lied! No shit!
rereridiculous: or a clean tube sock…
Maybe Ensign has a big dick, along with being just a really big dick in general. The guy wanted Ensign to stop romancing his wife, cause the dude was tired of sloppy seconds and always being told, “that’s not how a senator would do it” and “is it in yet?”
queeraselvis v 2.0: Talk all you want about Faulkner’s terrible ass, but leave Mr. Capote alone.
I have only one thought after reading this, “Clean tube sock?”
lizard scum: hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
Why are the money parts of this sex and money scandal hidden away in links? I want me some money scandal. Getting tired of the sexy time parts. Which for Ensign, are either boring or unappetizing. Money, please.
Why the outrageous discrimination against the money in the money/honey GOP scandals? That in itself, is a scandal.
Dear poor, used Slut: You were just pussy to me. I knew it, God knew. The end.
magic titty: Sorry. I meant Edward Bulwer-Lytton.
Today we are all clean tube socks.
PrairiePossum: Ensign not only broke the “bors before hos” code, he’s also cheap as shit. He’s a casino heir, yet he wouldn’t toss a million bones to the guy whose wife he boned. Hell, a single vote against cap and trade could have replenished that.
I was completely self-centered and only thinking of myself. I used you for my own pleasure not letting thoughts of you, Doug, Brandon, Blake or Brittany come into my mind.
Maybe I got this wrong. Maybe he was just saying “Look how good of lover I was, I didn’t shout out the names of your husband, sons or daughter once.”
Hampton and Ensign were bonded by their conservative evangelical faith. Hampton said he reached out to intermediaries involved in a Christian fellowship home in Washington, D.C., where Ensign and several other powerful Washington figures live.
Not to go all Hoeskstra on your asses, but to me that’s just shy of saying “Jones and his followers attended an evangelical summer camp in Guyana.”
“The Family”, as it’s called, epitomizes the ideologically evil extremes of the current Republican party.
Plus, The Family touched me in my swimsuit area once. Not that I’m still upset about it, or anything.
ph7: So did Gavin “I’m gonna fuck your wife whether you like it or not” Newsom. Not a career-ender if you are in Mayor of Gomorrah, though.
“I was treating you like a total cum dumpster without realizing your Blake, Doug et al cum dumpster. Sorry bye.”
The party of personal responsibility plus the Cheezus Holy House Hotel = bribe the people who might squeal and come clean only when everyone already knows what happened. Drawn & quartered would be too merciful for these ridiculous phonies. Their talk about a god they so obviously don’t believe in, and with a straight face no less, should earm them some nominations for the next Daytime Emmy awards.
P.S.
I promise to delete the videos.
“That does not seem very Christian….”
Have you read the Bible? I don’t think there’s much in the way of despicable behavior that’s NOT actually Christian.
InsidiousTuna: And might I add: ha!
“Brandon, Blake or Brittany”? That … that’s troubling right there. No, no that he brough up (what I presume to be) her kids in his break-up letter, but that her kids have those parody upper-middle-class suburbanite names.
“the Hamptons needed to be given financial assistance — in the millions of dollars — to pay off their $1 million-plus mortgage and move them to a new life away from Ensign.”
When non-GOP folks want to move to a new life and also pay off their mortgages, don’t they SELL the home? Or do they have a little Fanny problem?
Um, looks to me like Hampton was trying to shakedown Ensign — after the affair blew upon. They were all in on it: Ensign was going to pay for his tail, and everything would be hush hush. This is how the moral leadership of our nation rolls.
the problem child: To sell a house in Vegas now you have to pay someone to take the keys. Ain’t no-one not upside down.
RightLies: A quick search on Wonkette reveals that I have not used this particular comedic crutch since May 1, and never before then. However, I’ll be sure to use “cum rag” the next time this issue arises, in order to avoid boring anybody.
But enquiring minds want to know: Where did the money COME FROM? You know, the money that slime Coburn is so free to throw around. We know it wasn’t HIS million. And if Ensign paid it AND got the Dougster and his kid new jobs, why are they still hitting him up?
Ensign’s story is ten-times more sleazy than Sanford’s and probably involves more than one felony. Keep it in the news, Wonkette! It’s a Mario Puzo saga compared to Marky’s Harlequin paperback.
queeraselvis v 2.0: I disagree that Ensign is less gay than Truman Capote. His voice might be in a lower register, but as poofiness goes, the GOP’s Hairspray King is the poofiest. And Tru would never have let one of his lovers own a house as tacky as that pron palace Doug and Cindy live in.
You’ve been had, my dear, properly had. I played you like a cheap banjo. I thought of you only as a vagina with a life support system.
Words to keep off your resume: “Republican crisis communications specialist.”
Gad. That picture just screams “used car salesman”. If someone can’t tell he’s a huge sleazeball just by looking at it than I’m amazed they can dress themselves.
Do not defame the Austen or the Brontes with comparisons to this cretin.
FYI, of course the little woman was too weak to resist, that’s why in Christian homes, the wife supposed to submit to her husband. She’s too silly and childlike to know what’s good for her. In return, he’s supposed to “honor” her. heh. Seems like there just wasn’t enough honoring going on for this one.
It’s all Gods fault. He was busy helping people win ballgames and Oscars again. Why can’t God admit God has too much on his plate and let someone else take over?
Saw John Ensign drinking a pina colada at Trader Vic’s…
a Christian fellowship home in Washington, D.C., where Ensign and several other powerful Washington figures live
I love this. Just some l’il ol’ house in DC where a few folks happen to rent a room.
Yeah, right. http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=106115324
Money money money!! (but this is chump change, and no trips to exotic locals, unless they took a wild weekend to Elko. Sanford does better sex and money scandals, IMHO)
“Hampton said that Ensign paid Cindy more than $25,000 in severance when she stopped working for his campaign committees — a possible felony violation of campaign-finance law if he didn’t report it as an in-kind contribution. (Campaign reports show no such payment.)”
from Talkingpointsmemo front page today.
http://tpmmuckraker.talkingpointsmemo.com/2009/07/doug_hampton_breaks_silence_on_wifes_affair_with_ensign.php?ref=fpa
I used you for my own pleasure not letting thoughts of you…come into my mind.
Has Enshit been reading those Radical Honesty books or something? Cause that there is WAY too much honesty.
Hemingway? Ernest Hemingway? Papa?
You’ve got to be kidding. Ensign’s writing is nothing like Hemingway’s.
Hemingway would have written something like:
“It was hot in the men’s room. I stood there, in the hotness, while hot thoughts of Larry Craig filled the room. I heard a tapping, and the hotness became hotter and hotter and soon was hotter than a leather bar Up In Michigan.
“‘Men Without Women,’ I heard a voice say. It was my voice, thin in the heat of that hotness.
It got even hotter, and I realized my cigar had set my pants on fire. ‘Men Without Pants,” I heard a voice through the hotness. It was my voice, not not my lips . . . . ”
From “A Farewell To Short Arms.” (Reprinted with permission of Charles Scribner & Sons.)
Sara K. Smith: Do not feed the troll.
Also, do not touch the tube socks in the corner.
Hey everybody, look!
It’s Count Ensignula!
“Vun! Vun! Delicious little miztrezz! Mwaaahhh HA HA HA HA Ha ha ha!”
The Holey Jesus Hostel for Wavering Promise Keepers should start putting saltpeter in their gruel.
Sara K. Smith: May I suggest “cum rag-cum-tube sock”?
It’s the “most important letter he’s ever written,” and he can’t even bother to spell out the word and? I suppose we should count ourselves fortunate that he actually spelled you properly and didn’t opt for “u.”
Dear lord, I hate the overuse of ampersands.
Sara K. Smith: Or use “RightLies”, perhaps.
RightLies: Memo to Sara: Love your work. You are running the risk of overdoing the “tube sock” references. TMI about a former friend of yours?
WRONG! Tube sox (like hobbits, farts and poop) are ALWAYS funny.
How much you want to bet that these three, Ensign, King, and asshat racist from Fox, featured in succession here on Wonkette are all in the Worst persons in the World bit on Olberman? Question is, who gets top billing, King or Fox asshat?
“The Family was founded in 1935 by a minister named Abraham Vereide after, he claimed, he had a vision in which God came to him in the person of the head of the United States Steel Corporation.”
Not so bad, actually. I once had a vision in which God came to me in the person of the late Dr. Timothy Leary. He told me “Go forth and multiply!” I tried, but couldn’t get past 7X9=63.
Josh Fruhlinger: Not to mention that real Republicans name their kids made up names like “Trig,” “Track,” “Willow,” or “Warpig.”
Which brings to mind the question: Was Ensign fucking some commmie liberal Democrat?
queeraselvis v 2.0: Oh sorry, but you’re doing a huge disservice to both the Bronte sisters and Capote here! Ensign’s note is kind of like a letter to an employee he’s firing, Sanford’s more like something out of the Onion.
“Hampton seemed to suggest his wife Cynthia was powerless to prevent the continuing affair.”
Ensign is the Hypnotoad? Who knew!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_Futurama_characters#Hypnotoad
Ensign is a dimwit but I’d still hit that.
Lemme get this straight. Sanford’s got to be forgiven by Jenny in order to be forgiven in politics, but Ensign’s wife says nothing and he’s basically been given a free pass (except for the criminal behavior, which must sting a little to have all that aired out). They are all stupid stupidheads.
Ensign and Blago are jointly responsible for 15% of the greenhouse effect.
Lionel Hutz Esq.: Trig Palin vs Blake Hampton. Which is the true republican name? I have to go with BH. The Trigs and Tripps of Alaska are just as likely to found some personality cult in Slovenia or go live with the seals as they are to run for governor. Blake and Britney Hampton and the friends in high places club and weekends with The Family? GOP4EvA
Um. Anyone who hasn’t figured out that most Publican women are two mouse farts shy of being inflatable sex dolls hasn’t been scoping out Cindy McCain lately. Or Anne Romney. Or Laura Bush.
A tube sock is an upgrade in many important respects.
Uh, what kind of bitch-ass bitch just lets another man keep fucking his wife? “I told him to stop but he wouldn’t.” You want to be reasonable and mature the first time? Fine. After that, you split the motherfucker’s wig with a shovel.
Coburn has admitted that he knew about this. Coburn says he did everything he could to get Ensign to end the affair. Yet, the affair continued, and Coburn did not go public. Did Coburn really do “everything he could” if he kept the affair a secret? No. he didn’t. And therefore he is a lying douchenozzle twat knuckle.
These dickheads make me realize that Bush was a pretty nice guy.
I propose a new message for the PA system on the Senate and House subways…
“See it, say it…If you see a colleague acting in a reprehensible and unethical manner, please alert a responsible journalist. Only you can keep Congress ethical”
“Doug, I’m sorry, you are my brother in service to the Lord, but I cannot and will not quit fucking your wife.
“That’s just how a Senator rolls.
“Bitch.”
Senator Ted Stevens has now weighed in on the whole matter:
“And again, [mistresses are] not something that you just dump something on. [They're] not a big truck. It’s a series of tube socks. And if you don’t understand, those tube socks can be filled and if they are filled, when you put your message in, it gets in line and it’s going to be delayed by anyone that puts into that tube sock enormous amounts of material, enormous amounts of material.”
Diahni: Alas, no, boffing thy staffer’s wife is a minor misdemeanor compared to setting fire to a few nations, then trying to put the flames out by peeing on them.
I hate to justify Ensigns affair but he had to bang his buddys wife for health reasons ….He jacked off in a tube sock so much his dick grew a toenail.