Wonkette
We sent Intern Riley straight into the ample belly of the Teabagging Beast, so we will allow this ONE (1) departure into first-person singular on your “royal we” Wonkette:
“So what’s your deal?” the Paultard asked me with an air of suspicion, his Ron Paul REVOLUTION flag waving proudly as we walked. I had been following the Paultard for quite some time, in hopes that he would lead me to the secret location of the DC 4th of July Tea Party Extravaganza.
Trouble. I realized I had all the markings of a brazen, textbook-case Bolshevik: no cardboard signs duct-taped to my belly, no Ron Paul memorabilia stapled to my forehead, no powdered wig or colonial tricorn perched upon my noodle. Worse still, I was wearing a gray jacket — Barack Obama’s most favorite color. My goose was teabagged … unless!
“Well,” I chimed, “I was a Hill intern for Senator Ensign.” The Paultard’s pupils glazed over with an astute skepticism — he owned Loose Change, 2nd Edition on Blu-ray and was not so easily deceived. But I pressed on, undeterred. “Now I have a job working for Sarah Palin’s presidential campaign.”
“Wait, what?” the Paultard shot back. “Palin is running for president?”
“You mean you haven’t heard? She announced her candidacy on Twitter like ten minutes ago.” It was an ambitious lie, but the bluff was simply unsustainable. I was moments away from being exposed as a disciple of the New World Order.
My Paultard friends, moshing hard.
Then, a miracle! Across the street I could see a gang of obese white people on motorized scooters, pumping their homemade signs in the air and speaking in tongues. And in the distance I could hear the unmistakable plop plop plop of tea bags slapping in the wind, like dandelions blowing ever so gracefully in a Potomac breeze. It was a feast for the five senses. The Upper Senate Park. El Dorado. The Paultard and I had arrived.
Repetitive but effective cadence. B/B+
A suit from the Cato Institute was performing oratory fellatio on the crowd. Do you like beer? Wine? Soda pop? How about Yoo-Hoo? Well guess what? TAXES …. My infant daughter has a $30,000 bounty on her head …. No one has read Cap and Trade in its entirety, because thousands of pages were secretly added to it at 3 o’clock in the morning!
Scandalous indeed, but who really has time to read boring legislation when they’re in the middle of another captivating page-turner by Ayn Rand?
Your Intern got to touch a lady! Best. Independence. Day. Ever.
Yes, the Tea Party satisfied many carnal pleasures, but it also stimulated the intellect! Pamphlets and low-budget photocopies were passed around like herpes. My favorite party favor was a special edition of the Undercurrent, a campus newspaper “based on Ayn Rand’s philosophy,” Dullness.
Even Newt Gingrich’s army of adopted orphans made an appearance. You are a sparkle of inspiration for fathers all over America, Newt!
There’s a lot of idle talk about how the Teabaggers have lost momentum. Lies, probably circulated by the CIA and the Federal Reserve. The Movement is thriving. You can even text-message TEA PARTY to 54608, and you will be notified about the next mobilization. If we work together, we can get back on the gold standard. We must.
God Bless You. Amen.
Erm, I hate to tell you this, Riley, but Miss Independence ain’t no Miss.
Also, where was Hitler?
…Wonderho’?
You’re lucky Paultards are easily distrac…oooh, shiny!
The problem with Obama is that he lacks theology and geometry.
Wonder Woman looks like she smells like coconut oil and Virginia Slims.
I stopped by this thing for a short while, but by the time I got there (at like 2:00) most of the teabaggers had left, choosing to abandon their signs on the ground in the Upper Senate Park in favor of waddling toward the Capitol building, to gladly stand in line for seating for a concert that cost many thousands of taxpayer dollars.
Why do all the paultards look like they haven’t showered in a week?
And yeah: Wonder Woman wasn’t born as one.
I could hear the unmistakable plop plop plop of tea bags slapping in the wind
This sentence fragment will stick with me for longer than I care for. Man, english needs a more acceptable clause format. Single quotes perhaps? This sentence fragment will stick with me for ‘longer than I care for’.
I bet she wasn’t the only one there with star spangled granny panties.
I know ladies and she is not one.
You’ve got balls, Riley, and so does your girlfriend.
It’s nice to see Captain America’s mistress agreed to a photo with you, Riley.
Patriots all. Rightwing fanatic crazies. Also.
Those are Newt’s adopted children? Which one is he banging?
This is a nice piece. Ken, you should probably pay Waggy more, if you’re paying him at all that is.
Yep, that certainly ain’t no Woman.
Besides, teabaggers are SO last month’s issue. Were there any Real World douchebag sightings?
Gripping story Waggaman. If Wonder Man/Woman invites you to see his/her invisible plane, run away and run fast.
It seems that Bruno fake interview/seduction screwed up Ron Paul. Who knew he would dress up like Wonderwoman?
I’m willing to bet that “lady touching” is quite common at Paultard events.
I wonder if these people even have GEDs, let alone high school diplomas.
“one World Nation”, ?? .. we are Beyond the Looking Glass here people.
my mind has just been blown\enlightened
These people still exist? I kind of hoped they were some sort of Hopium hallucination, and we wouldn’t have to worry about them once the buzz of the election wore off.
SayItWithWookies: Every one of them… except for the second one from the left.
You are touching a legend there Riley. And obviously Lynda Carter has seen better days too.
There’s no “I” in Team Wonkette, Riley.
If Ron Paul ever feels like his support is running low, he can simply come our as a Furry! Same demographics, etc.
finallyhappy: FunkyPalmettoBug: queeraselvis v 2.0:
Libertarians strongly believe in a woman’s right to choose…to become a woman…surgically.
Waggaman’s first name should be “Dick’”
Was this a teabagger protest or a shoot for Perfect Ladyboys?
Who trotted out the poor kid with Progeria in the Wonder woman picture?
wait a minute, source please for your contention that lady liberty, wonder woman is neither. quickly, please as my nethers are all confused.
Would have been funnier in first-person plural, the socialist narrative voice.
Riley, I have to channel your mother here. Honey, you need a haircut. You’re looking thin, too. Are you eating right?
NoWireHangers: At the very least Ken should let the poor lad out of the dungeon a little more often. He’s proved he can be a satisfactory clandestine operative and greater exposure to sunlight would do him some good.
ivenson: I’d be willing to label that speculation as astoundingly optimistic. I’d place the aroma combo at something closer to Vagisil/HGH.
Riley, is that a Member’s Only jacket you’re rocking? If so, AWESOME!
engulfedinflames: it’s hair is hiding the adam’s apple, but those eyebrows tell the truth.
What the shit is a One World Nation?
ShamWow: oh oh…nose job, boob job, fake tan, someone elses hair, looked like typical american female but the wrists are a little thick. confusion and erection arrested. thank you.
I respect any writer who gets this close to the action. Riley is like the Robert Capa of words/teabagging.
Larry Craig looks better in a bustier than I would have expected.
ShamWow: It’s the Dr. Girlfiend voice that’s the giveaway. Check for scars.
That sounds like a parody of 1776; call it 2009:
We’re waiting for the plop…plop…plop…
Of that little bag of Lipton
Waiting for the bag…to…drop
In our steaming cup of water in this
Aynrandian incubator
God knows, the temperature’s hot enough
To cook a goose
Let alone, a ‘Tard
bago: Huh? I see a subject (I), a verb (hear), and a predicate (slapping bags).
I’m starting to dig this recurring “Riley Whiggamore” character. Keep it up, Newell!
Do Wonkette interns get hazard pay?
Or in this case hazard Cup-O-Noodles?
Because if not I am willing to chipping a good 35-45 cents to help this guy replenish his Top Ramen supply, which I am sure he depleted carbing up for his epic journey.
CollegeStudent: Top Ramen? Nay, Wonkette’s interns dine on only the finest brand of ramen: Smack!
Riley: Excellent piece, although when I usually read first person narratives like this, they end with the author getting kidnapped and raped by red necks.
ivenson: Mom?
No “One World Nati0on”? Why do these people hate the Utopian Society of Star Trek?
Cue “The Crying Game.”
Like many a shade-tree mechanic, young Riley spent the Fourth working on a tranny.
Damn it, Editors! Let young Riley do more outdoor stories so he can get some sunshine. Don’t you even care about your interns?
Riley - what does your T-shirt say?
problemwithcaring: “Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.”
– Ben Franklin
(and no, I couldn’t read that, but I’ve seen every beer t-shirt ever made. Which is evidence of something, though I’m not sure what.)
InsidiousTuna: What?! The tea-baggers abandoned their signs on the ground near the Capitol? Who’s going to clean up that mess, All-Taxes-Are-Evil?? Does Ron Paul do volunteer litter removal before he checks in at the office?
Riley, it disturbs me that you may have been the whitest of the white people there. Nice to see you washed your t-shirt for contrast, though. Eat some carrots or something. And I’m not even a mom.
FunkyPalmettoBug: Because they haven’t. Water is a FedReserve conspiracy, also, the end.
SayItWithWookies: But Ben was writing about Wine. And Ben didn’t say it. But the truth is out there.
DangerousLiberal: I read this in Reader’s Digest. So it must be well fact-checked.
Woodwards Friend: Stand back, as all the Paultard’s valves open simultaneously.
As an advocate of limited government, I’d like to ask that you continue the off-color 5th-grade-level scrotal references rather than actually thinking about what is happening in our country or engaging in real analysis. The last thing we want is intellectual opposition. Thanks!
You thought this site was for intellectual opposition?
You smell of scrotum, Sir. Big, stupid sweaty scrotums.
Where is Linda Carter’s BERT CIRT??
Not a lot of snark; lots of transphobic dipshittery. Besides.
Ah, the stale coziness of a site that still uses the word “Paultard”!
I was starting to miss the word, it ranks up there with “lulz” and “pwned”, and goes nicely with either like a fine crispy fishstick with a can of red wine.
Who says that wonkette is so 2008?
The problem with this country is bleeding heart and people who attack other people without even getting to know them. Like Wonder Woman in DC. This little queer that attacked her has no idea of what is even going on. Love to invite him to Texas so we could extend some good old boy Texas Hospitality
munkyburd: American White: Like a pair of Paultardian trucknutz, pairs of mouth breathers attach themselves to the rear ends of threads after posting has died off for a day or two. But at least the latter was kind enough to invite our Wonkette to…vote straight Republican and execute a mentally handicapped person?
I was the one who brought the Ron Paul Flag and no one ever talked to me and I never saw this kid so somebody is lying…..