Wonkette
Author and personal-appliance salesman John Hodgman did a very witty “nerd hit” on so-called American President Barack Obama on Friday, but was it accurate, as far as the various classes and career paths of Hobbits? Today’s Email of the Day from “Madison” may answer this important question!
As a Wonkette watcher for some time now, but never before a commenter, I was forced to register today under the nickname “Tolkienista” in order to set right an egregious error in your posting of Hodgman’s video.
I would expect more from my Wonkette. In the past you have been quite precise with your hobbit-humor. But you reposted Hodgman’s video with NOT A WORD on his gross misstatement regarding the orders of hobbits.
They are Fallohide, Harfoot, and Stoor. Not Fallofide, Hardfoot, and Stoor, as Hodgman suggests. You have participated in helping Hodgman claim a nerd mantle he clearly no longer deserves. I believe a retraction is in order.
Yours,
An Elvish-speaker without a job
Unemployed? I’m shocked!
Without a job!? Not possible.
How do you say “okaaay” in elvish?
Folks like this make Trekkies (I used to be one) feel socially well adjusted and normal.
Thank Yahweh one of the most important issues facing us today has been resolved.
Enturbulate: It’s all because of “don’t ask, don’t tell.” Our military has been laying off all our Elvish speakers. What a disaster.
Am guessing both of Madison’s ‘rents speak fluent Klingon. Also.
On behalf of girls and women everywhere I encourage people to rise up, much like the heroes of the US military, against the mouth rape of hobbits. Also.
The letter writer dreams of a fantasy world where folks like him/her get laid.
Today, we are all Harfoots.
“signing off from my mom’s basement”
Just to add a small nod of support for our letter writer: I was pissed that both Tom Bombadil & “the Scouring of the Shire” were left out of Peter Jackson’s otherwise impressive monstrosities.
Hodgman was using the Ent pronounciation.
Timothy Busfield and Robert Carradine could wipe the floor with these 21st century so-called nerds.
hey, give the Hodge a break. It’s hard to be funny after your boss takes half your liver.
If memory serves, Hardfoot was the porno name for one of the Hobbits. So he’s technically right. And unemployed. Also.
Did ‘Tolkienista’ ever stop to consider that Alpha Nerd and genius needler Hodgman purposely added the one letter onto the the one hobbit name precisely to drive simpleton LOTR obsessives like him/her/it up the proverbial wall?
Madison accuses Hodgson of token Tolkienism
Hodgman, I mean.
Dildo, Frito, Moxie, Pepsi and Spam are so proud.
Does this Middle Earther realize that he/she could be employed by McDonalds and be fed for FREE at break time?
hobospacejunkie: Dude, check-out the LOTR familiarity evident throughout the comments! Is Tolkienista obsessive or merely a fellow purveyor of expertly subtle snark?
norbizness: “Well, lets get those nerds!”
“Nerds!”
“Nerds!”
Tolkienista?!?!?! Shit, now ALL the good nicknames are taken, also too.
Paterlanger: I’m gonna bow out now. I’m in way over my head. Ain’t read the books nor stayed awake during the movies.
Uh, is all this hubbub ’cause of that stupid book with big-footed midgets smoking weed and eating 6 meals a day?
Sorry, I was never so bored that I had to prevent myself from eating my elbows by reading that one.
Monsieur Grumpe: I was going to write much the same thing but pity stayed my hand. “It’s a pity I’ve run out of bullets” I thought.
Tolkienista must be one of those gay elvish translators we’ve been hearing so much about.
Hodgman was too busy learning neurosurgery for his appearance on Battlestar Galactica this past spring to be bothered with such trivia as Hobbit phyla.
Down boys, I don’t mock the biochemists when they bust out their fancy words for the contents of Viagra, don’t mock the guy who can name all the dwarves and the order in which they died in The Hobbit.
Plus, the Fellowship of the Ring without Tom Bombadil makes baby Jeebus angry.
I caught a minor pronunciation error in a listing of hobbits. Now I know exactly how the Robert Falcon Scott expedition felt, dying alone and half-crazed in the middle of nowhere.
Governor Sanford - Stop fartin’ around emailin’ Wonkette and get your ass back to work.
Also, the character of Tom Bombadil was sadly left out of the final cut of The Lord of the Rings film trilogy. Do you have any insights as to why this cinematic travesty was allowed to occur?
Signed,
Madison Proudfoot, Lothlorian Gazette
What’s Elvish for “Who Cares?”
Mock us furries for our perverted and frequently illegal sex lives, but at least we’re gettin’ some occasionally.
x111e7thst:
I think I kept my copy. I’ll have to read it again.
“Toes, I love hairy toes,” she moaned, forcing him down on the silvered carpet. Her tiny pink toes caressed the luxuriant fur of his instep while Frito’s nose sought out the warmth of her precious elf-navel.
Nerd porn.
Canuckledragger: That would be “Thank Eru Illuvatar”. Please.
Types of hobbits? Bah! A true nerd would name the six flavors of quarks and day dream of a naked Daryl Hannah while doing so.
Why all the “I bet she never gets laid” comments? She’s a geek girl- they’re few and far between. So she has her pick of men who have no idea how to satisfy her.
“My fellow boggies,” he said, “my fellow Poops and Peristalts, Barrelgutts and Hangbellies, Needlepoints, Liverflaps, and Nosethingers.” (”Nosefingers!” corrected an irate drunk, who, true to his family name, had it jammed into his nostril to the fourth joint.)
-Bored of the Rings
WHEN WILL NOOBAMA DENOUNCE AND REJECT JOHN HODGMAN?
Baseproduct: Pics plz
watershed: Lothlórien Gazette
/spelling fixed
vitamins taken helmet on: I read the Hobbit and the trilogy in Viet Nam. After three weeks in Khe San, I thought I was in Mordor. After four weeks, you read anything; the label on your boots, the wrappers on C-Rations ( which provide a wealth of information on the process of masticating had hiding the evidence.)
There is only one Elvis.
TGY: I laughed until my chest seized up. Thank you.
This is highly offensive to me, as I live just FOUR BLOCKS AWAY FROM THE SHIRE.
There’s orange Dorito dust all over my monitor after that post. And I don’t even eat them!
Sanford, is that you?
gosh HOW COULD YOU Wonkette you just went ahead and posted this video and said NOTHING about this nerd’s nerdy nerd thing that was a slight mispronunciation that a few people might have noticed though you probably weren’t in that crowd because really what the hell.
and here I thought it was the nerds who were employable.
I’ll be removing NERDZ R AWESOM G33KS SUCK bumpersticker today
JamesMichaelCurley: That can only be excused if you had previously read Series 1 through Series 930 Collections of the Official Department of the Army Administrative Publications. Otherwise, you gave in too soon to the temptation of pulp fiction!
Roll Fish: I was thinking that perhaps it’s just John talking in an extra nerdy accent - you know, with the stuffed up nose that causes n’s to turn into d’s. Although that still makes no sense.
dude prolly got nervous in the delivery and messed it up . . whatever yo
Carrie_Okie: No, they think I’m weird too.
TGY: Good old Legolam!
Oh, for heaven’s sake. It’s “Elven Speaker” not “Elvish Speaker”. No wonder he doesn’t have a job. Nerd.
Mithrandir in ‘12!
watershed: That one’s a tragedy, really. But time constraints, you know. I don’t begrudge the loss.
NopantsMcGee: That’s where your wrong. “Elven” is an optional adjectival, used for “elven blade” or “elven home.” But it is by no means the word for a language. Although, to be precise, “Elvish” is something of a misnomer. Quenya-Sindarin is much more precise, and even that construction obscures the distinction between Quenya as a language of the Elves of Valinor and a private language of the Noldorin remnant in Middle-Earth and Sindarin as the language of Elu Thingol’s Grey Elves of Beleriand.
Also, I am totally with you. Tharkûn the Thaumaturge for President!
“I don’t know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.” LOTR
Tolkienista: I submit to your superior nerdly knowledge.
Canmon (the Inadequate): Don’t blame the Ents, they just picked the pronunciations up from Elrond. Like most of the worlds calamities, this one can be laid on the doorstep of those fucking surrender monkeys, the elves.
As if there was ever a doubt.
You guys got pwned by a freakin’ Hobbit Master!
H_Tuttle: Sorry, still puzzling that out to see if it comes to a compliment. NopantsMcGee: Thanks, but submission is so old-fashioned. Only serves to continue buttressing improper power relationships.
Tolkienista: it’s getting HAWT in here
Tolkienista: Sadly, you have more knowledge than a Paultard.
Double Scorpion: People who try to be Walking Encyclopedias should remember that reference books never get taken out…
Ugh he thinks that is a funny letter
Er, she. WHOEVER.
I’m learning so much.
Paging Elwyn Tinklenberg!
I thought they only fired gay Elvish translators?
I haven’t read LOTR for FIVE AND A HALF YEARS, ALLEN
may the light of Valar protect you.
This is taking multiculturalism waaaaaaaaaaaaaay too far.
It’s a dangerous business, Tolkienista, going out of your mother’s basement. You step into the light of day, and if you don’t keep your feet, there is no knowing what orgy of furries you might be swept off to.
Monsieur Grumpe: x111e7thst: And mustn’t forget Arrowshirt and Goodgulf…
WFT? Fallohide, Harfoot, and Stoor is the firm my lawyer works for.
As a survivor of the Great Outcast Wars of the mid-80s, let me the first to say fuck the nerds, fuck the geeks, fuck the spazzes, long live the dweebs.
Tolkienista, have you met LIZ Becton?
zenferret: something like that.
Wait–John Hodgman is dating Liz Becton?
I thought I was dating Liz Becton!
Liz Becton, I love you! You’re beautiful! You’re one of the nicest, most thoughtful, most insightful, most introspective women in the world! You write memos like Shakespeare!
I love you, Liz Becton!
Come back to the Hill, Liz Becton, all is forgiven!
Norbert: it’s getting HAWT in here
Yah, I bet this Tolkienista chick looks just like that band-camp-nerd girl in “American Pie,” so yeah.
HOTT.
Lascauxcaveman: Yes, yes, keep thinking that and I shall keep detesting “Splash.” Curses on the gender of that damn mermaid.
Tolkienista: “Thanks, but submission is so old-fashioned. Only serves to continue buttressing improper power relationships.”
You said…’butt’….heheheheheh
NopantsMcGee: “There are no words in Elvish, Entish or the tongues of men to describe such treachery.”
Mithrandir ‘12. Also.
Tolkienista: Tom Bombadil is to LOTR what the Book of Job is to the Bible…a brief interlude that demonstrates the mortifying absurdity of the rest of the story. Ultimately God could give a fuck about Job but “hey, Job, if it’s kids you like, have some more, no problem.” Tom just offers the Hobbits tea and cakes then send them to their deaths.
Give poor Tolkienista a break. Can you imagine what your life would be like if your parents named you after a Daryl Hannah character.
Paterlanger: Yes dear. Lionel Hutz Esq.: Preach it! NopantsMcGee: I thought it was appropriate for someone with no pants.
I would just like to take a moment to point out another inaccuracy, in this case concerning Mr. Hodgman’s three part question. In reference to “The Water of Life” to be technically correct it comes from the drowning of a juvenile sand worm, not just any old sand worm.
I’m not sayin, I’m just sayin.
Youstonedorjuststupid?: Good to know. Dune was never my specialty.
NopantsMcGee: Olorin 4 evah.
Tolkienista: I recited the Narn from memory starting with the Nirnaeth and ending with Hurin delivering the Nauglamir and only skipping Mim because that part is boring the other night and still got laid. There is still hope.
In Middle Earth, a Hodgman is a squat, bandy-legged and myopic servant of Sauron who undermines the forces of good by subtly mispronouncing their names. His insidious malapropisms led to the fall of kingdom of Benis and near ruin for the people of the Vagima valley, in the realm of Pudenba. He calls Ents “Aints,” Rohirrim “Brohirrim,” Gondor “Gondork,” and thinks L. Rond is the master of the Last Homo House.
I am suprised the eternal battle over the correct plural of the surname ‘Proudfoot’ hasn’t consumed the comments section yet.
Or is there politics happening somewhere I should be reading about?
Glad to see your Paultard readership hasn’t fallen off …
DELICIOUS HOBBITSES! I WILL EAT THEM ALL, ESPECIALLY THE ORDER OF HODGEMANSES!!!
Is there any chance that Tolkienista is actually c*****wolf, back from the grave?
Monsieur Grumpe: What about SamWise Ganja?
jbd: That’s pretty awesome. A man after my own heart. But the part with Mim actually has some interesting postcolonial overtones for anyone that eventually wants to turn it into a doctoral thesis. Focus specifically on the parts where Mim complains about the elves changing the names of everything once they moved into the territory occupied by others.
Also, re: guerilla-nation, I took much of this comment section with good humor, but being called a follower of John Galt’s avatar is a bridge too far.