Wonkette
South Carolina welfare queen Governor Mark Sanford is nowhere to be found, in South Carolina! His “whereabouts” have been “unknown to state officials since Thursday,” the news outlets report. This country should consider itself lucky to have survived the weekend! So did he get kidnapped in Mexico or something? Hopefully, but those close to him — and no, that does not include his family — claim he is just crying in private for a few days after losing a political battle.
South Carolina authorities are literally trying to trace calls from his cell phone to figure out where the governor of their state is:
Neither the governor’s office nor the State Law Enforcement Division has been able to reach Sanford, who left the mansion in a black SLED Suburban SUV, said Sen. Jake Knotts and three others familiar with the situation who declined to be identified.
Sanford’s last known whereabouts were near Atalanta, where a mobile telephone tower picked up a signal from his phone, authorities said.
His wife clearly gives a shit, too.
First lady Jenny Sanford told The Associated Press her husband has been gone for several days and she doesn’t know where. She said she was not concerned. Jenny Sanford said the governor said he needed time away from their children to write something.
Uhh.
BUT NO ONE WORRY, everything is okay.
The governor’s office said in a statement: “Gov. Sanford is taking some time away from the office this week to recharge after the stimulus battle and the legislative session, and to work on a couple of projects that have fallen by the wayside. We are not going to discuss the specifics of his travel arrangements or his security arrangements.”
Ah, so he’s having an affair. Thanks!
Gov. Sanford not heard from since Thursday [The State]
This makes perfect sense, because Father’s Day usually isn’t a weekend you want to spend with the kids.
Where’s Lindsay Graham? If you find him, you find Gov. Sanford underneath him.
When he returns from Denmark he will be Mary Sanford.
Photos posted on TMZ of Sanford in a pink elephant Furry suit “recharging” in a hotel with an 11 year old in 3…2…1…
I thought the M.O. was to flee in a white SUV?
He got beamed up to the mothership.
He’ll be back by the end of the week.
I hope he’s signed up for a tour of duty in Iraq.
“…Sanford, who left the mansion in a black SLED…”
I wish the sentence had ended there. It would’ve been so much more whimsical. Oh, Sandford. I know how you feel, man. I wish I had a mansion I could SLED away from.
Is there another hot sex scandal a brewin’ in Wang Dang Sweet June-Tang?
He’s in Tehran, twatting under the name AliMarboushi. Because some things are bigger the South Carolina politis.
Is hoping that he is found in a truck stop restroom, dead, as a result of autoerotic accident, too much? Is it?
Bruno: He’s doing a tour of duty at a supper club in Key West playing the lead in “La Cage”.
I’d like to give a crap about this tool’s whereabouts, but (and I hate like hell to sound like, shudder, his wife): I don’t. The end.
My state everyone. My state. Knowing Sanford, he’s in some bar in Charleston face down drunk for the 57th straight hour. Probably Windjammers or Dunleavy’s. My money on Windjammer(more bikinis).
He’s having that much needed brain implant done.
GDuvall: Family values!
SC Sen Dem Leader John Land: “We’ve been concerned by the Governor’s erratic behavior for some time. We’re praying for him and his family.”
Sometimes a feller just needs a little solo “racist time.”
He’s in Atlanta? Then he and Meghan McCain are probably on a tour of red states, trying to sexually liberate them and thus revive the GOP.
When a southern Senator disappears for a few days, it usually means he’s closely monitoring the birth of his love child. When its a GOP senator, it mean a love child with the house maid.
I knew he was a little strange, but channeling Judge Crater is way more than anyone coulda imagined.
Check the Y.
BlueStateLibtard: routine head replacement surgery
One can only hope he drove to Colorado to have meth-high buttseks with Pastor Ted. He’s probably just crying, instead, listening to “Alone again, naturally” over and over.
First things first. Find Waldo!
Another important detail. The black SUV had a John Boehner orange ostrich skin interior and big rims. Also.
ph7: well, I fucked that up. But I’d pretty sre the same goes for Governors. It’s the water, not the office.
Haaaaaate my state.
Knowing Sanford, I suspect we’re looking at a hush-hush week-long, coke-fueled bender. It explains a great deal, really. (And it’s not like we haven’t had coke dealers in state government - see one Thomas Ravenel, our former State Treasurer.)
We got burned the last time, but this is definitely NOT going to be a run-of-the-mill “married adult male” bangs “consenting adult female” sex affair. After all, this is a wingnut Republican “I don’t want your stimulus…uh, okay, I’ll take it” Southern guv’nor.
Gay weekend, or tranny weekend? There IS a difference!
He heard that the ‘Cocks were in Key West. He was disappointed to learn that it was a reunion of the 1994 South Carolina football team that went to the Carquest Bowl.
State officials have contacted Sanford, according to The State.
Compulsive masturbator needs to masturbate. Nothing to see here folks.
“Neither the governor’s office nor the State Law Enforcement Division has been able to reach Sanford, who left the mansion in a black SLED Suburban SUV, said Sen. Jake Knotts and three others familiar with the situation who declined to be identified. Sanford’s last known whereabouts were near Atalanta, where a mobile telephone tower picked up a signal from his phone, authorities said.”
A black SLED Suburban? Sled?
Atalanta?
Jake Knotts — maybe Don’s son?
Somebody’s havin’ fun with y’all.
“Jenny Sanford said the governor said he needed time away from their children to write something.”
How long does it take to write a suicide note, anyway? Couldn’t he just tweet something like “OH itz the big 1! U hear dat elizbeth?! Cumming 2 join U honey!! #RNC”?
Somebody verify Mark Foley’s whereabouts.
“Work on projects that have fallen by the wayside.”
You know, like literacy, roads, and making Foghorn Leghorn the state bird.
Oh man, is this going to be a summer of love?
I’m sure he’s recharging in his own personal Fortress of Solitude, by which I mean Rush Limbaugh’s guest house with the pick of Rushbo’s harem of Dominican cabana boys.
Please let them find him in a bunny costume.
I bet they find him in a hotel with his crazed ramblings written on the walls in his own poop. At least, we’ll hope it’s his poop
Stalin disappeared when the Nazis invaded, because he was having a nervous breakdown. But everyone was cool with that–his oppressed people and his allies (that would be us).
Not sure what the connection is, but the word “battle” set me off.
tunamelt: There’s nothing loving about what Sanford is doing right now. Nothing. At. All.
4tehlulz: Lindsey Graham is a LAWYER, and nothing, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, is beneath him.
I saw him in ATL at the gay bars, natch.
First it was at Woof’s, the gay sports bar (oxymoron?) - he tore down the Gamecocks’ banner there and was alternately twirling it like a helicopter and wearing it like a toga.
Then it was off to The Eagle, where he fit right in with the sad old (welfare?) queens, in assless chaps and a leather harness. He was trolling around on the periphery of the dance floor…that political battle must have tanned his hide…or all the assfuckery.
Saragon: I know Tommy(dated one of his cousins), coke was the least of his probs.
Please stop worrying everyone. I’m just off on another one of my Weekends with Lindsey.
SAND LAPPERS!
Hypothesis: Sanford is off clearing brush at the ranch. Because that’s what they call it these days.
GDuvall: Well-known fact that fambly values do not include time with YOUR fambly. It just involves stopping gay famblies.
pink triangles: Well, in Atlanta’s gay district, “gamecocks” means something much different than it does in SC.
SayItWithWookies: I believe that if he is in Atlanta, … well, what with him being a Republican and all … he has to be with his gay lover.
I just get a kick out of his wife “…he just needed to away from his children so he could write something…no, no, not concerned a bit, no big deal…”
What could he be writing, a suicide note or his initials in splooge on a transvestites ass? Is there something else an adult man writes that he doesn’t want his children to see?
In either case, another Republican Rising Star turns out to be a lightning bug. Hang in there Newt, keep your ween in your trousers and you too could be a Republican Presidential Nominee.
Trying hard to fuck an entire state must have been exhausting. Weird– Sanford made being a total douchebag look easy.
Thanking Marco Rubio for the idea, Sanford is now running guns to the protesters in Iran. When we next see him, he’ll be running a club in Morocco with a black piano player.
magic titty: HAHAHA!
Let’s hope he’s doing a David Carradine in some remote Pacific Island.
not to worry
I saw him marching in the Gay Pride parade in Memphis on saturday
He’s stuck in a mold trap in between two of Rush Limball’s fat rolls. This happens sometimes on the way to Rush’s 17 inch taint.
hobospacejunkie: I wish Rick Perry would join him, but Perry’s too busy humping Palin’s leg.
Maybe he was writing this op-ed?
http://www.greenvilleonline.com/article/20090621/OPINION/906210309/1016/Gov.-Mark-Sanford–Legislative-session-shows-need-to-restructure
He twatted the link, but it was probably just a staff twat.
He’s going to confess to being gay-engaged to New Jersey’s formerly closeted former governor.
El Pinche: Rush’s 17 inch taint
Oh sweet jesus how am I supposed to unthink that? You have a true gift, El Pinche.
Where’s Britney?
Anyone know if it was pride weekend in Atlanta? Perhaps the boys at Troff.com were having one of their infamous leather parties? Research people. I want research!
All I know is, Larry Craig is no longer lonely.
I look forward to seeing his picture on milk cartons. “Have you seen this governor?”
Maybe his disappearance is a sign of an internal power struggle in the secretive state. Has South Carolina tested any nuclear weapons or launched any “satellites” in Raleigh’s direction lately?
4tehlulz: I always had Lindsey pegged (get it) for a bottom.
A grainy videotape recording of Sanford delivering his upcoming manifesto will be delivered to Al Jazeera before the end of the month.
Sorry, guys, we’ll have to wait ’till Cocktober to find out all the hilarity behind this.
I mean, seriously. He vanishes for three days, doesn’t even call his fucking WIFE, and she says she’s not remotely suspicious about this? She’s lying or crazy.
Somebody on the Washington Post website pointed this story out:
‘Jon & Kate’ hubby: ‘No idea’ where wife is
Kate Gosselin was not home all weekend, and Jon told the media gathered outside that he had “no idea” where she is.
(http://www.kansascity.com/stargazing/story/1266234.html)
Coincidence? Yeah, right.
Atlanta’s Hartsfield nternational Airport is the world’s busiest. Anyone check in the bathrooms??
Karen Tumulty over at Swampass just posted the following statement from Governor Waldo’s communications director:
“The governor put in a lot of time during this last legislative session, and after the session winds down it’s not uncommon for him to go out of pocket for a few days at a time to clear his head. Obviously, that’s going to be somewhat out of the question this time</ given the attention this particular absence has gotten. Before leaving last week, he let staff know his whereabouts and that he’d be difficult to reach. Should any emergencies arise between the times in which he checks in, our staff would obviously be in contact with other state officials as the situation warrants before making any decisions.“
Wouldn’t a simple “The Governor has gone Galt.” have sufficed?
Tag-nabbit!
I am nearly certain this means the Governor is a furry. Please be a furry. I’m in NYC and it’s summer and it’s rained every single day in 2009. Suffice it to say, we’re hopelessly bored and antsy closed in as we are by the weather and economy. We need a Republican furry story to get us through these dark times.
Whoa–where were we? What? The guest anchor BBC America News– is that an NPR voice? That weekend guy? It is–wow. It blows my mind. (Musings of a person who is way too wonky for human company).
Obviously, we’ve all missed the obvious. Sanford, having finished his screw-my-state stimulus debate is taking some time off for time honored right wing political activity. Duh. He’s teabagging.
He’s at Boys ‘R Us. Lindsay needed some backup.
What I love is that he’s been “missing” since Thursday and we the state just noticed it today. “Hey, where’s the Guvnah?” “Uhhh…no idea.” What’s it take all weekend to write? New Yorker short story? A new state constitution? Love note to that hot “sled” driver “Kevin”? l really enjoy the business with the wife. “He’s gone. Whatevah! Get over it…”
Former RNC Chair Haley Barbour (a higher post than his current job) is headlining an event for the Iowa GOP in Des Moines this Thursday. By personal experience it’s a comfortable three day drive from SC to IA. That would leave a nice couple of days of living room politicking and private meetings with what passes for party bigwigs here before being the super-special Secret Guest at the event with Haley. I’ll be on the lookout for black Suburbans with South Carolina plates this week.
Palin, Jindal and Sanford, cmon republicans cant ya just feel the excitement for 2012!!!
Hey, what’s the big deal!
Every politician needs a break from the wife, the family and his state duties to go on a three-day bender and chase some strange cock/tail.
As that great poet, Jimmy Buffett, once sang, “It cleans me out, then I can move on….”
God Bless America!
I live in Savannah GA, just across the border from SC, and I saw the governor at Club One blowing a drag queen. Sadly my cellphone battery was low so I couldn’t get any good pix. Sorry y’all.
CornFedIABoy: What a coincidence: the Jabba-faced watermelon-joker slimeball Barbour’s going to be headlining a fundraiser in Bedford, NH this Wednesday. Somebody seems to think he’s special, now doesn’t he?
Well, somebody’s wrong.
El Pinche: O mah. Such strong hideous visuals! First I vomited, then I laughed. Good sweet christ alive, that image is burning the inside of my eyes. Help. I need some vicodin, 2 percosets and a case a beer to forget.
fishandvodka: Please accept my apology. You got there first and I didn’t read the comments before posting because I think I’m so damn smart that I know better than anyone else. At least that’s what my mom used to say to me every time I started a defense with “but I didn’t think…”
Off visiting his other family, of course, the Black one! You know that he was light-skinned, didn’t you?
Zhu Bajie
dijetlo: No, Newt will f*ck up, too. He’s already done it with a reporter from a UK tabloid, the SUN. Nothing could be less discreet.
Zhu Bajie
Guppy06: Well, one of my history profs did like to say that South Carolina politics was even weirder than Louisiana politics.
Zhu Bajie
Wait … isn’t this the plot to a Carl Hiaasen novel?
You gotta love my South Carolina–too small to be a republic, too large to be an insane asylum!