SACK OF RETARDS  3:31 pm June 12, 2009

by Jim Newell

YOU MUST WATCH FOX & FRIENDS DISCUSS THE UIGHURS’ RELEASE TO VARIOUS ISLAND NATIONS: Thank you Gawker for having video interns to capture the marvelous nonsense from this morning’s edition of Fox & Friends, the topic being “these Uighur characters,” in the words of Steve Doocy. “Do you want to go to a place where that guy over there, in the sombrero, was actually trained in a terror camp in Afghanistan?” (Bermuda is one of the Mexicos now.) [Gawker]

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thefrontpage June 12, 2009 at 3:35 pm

What island should be banish the Fox News Channel staff to?

Hooray For Anything June 12, 2009 at 3:36 pm

The stupid….it hurts…..

Larry Fine June 12, 2009 at 3:36 pm

These Uighurs wear funny costumes, don’t they? They would be easy to identitfy and pick off if any good Merican sees them prancing around our neighborhoods

suths June 12, 2009 at 3:36 pm

i wish i was ignorant so i could get a show on fox instead of being unemployed…

queeraselvis v 2.0 June 12, 2009 at 3:38 pm

Best. Screenshot. EVER.

NoWireHangers June 12, 2009 at 3:38 pm

The incessant babbling, and the roving, shifting crazy eyes on display in just a few seconds of that video was enough to make my heart flutter with anxiety. Do they just let anyone babble nonsense on television these days and call it “news”? Let’s not forget that “these Uighur characters” are being freed because they committed no crime and that they may well have been tortured by our Government for several years. What utter fools. If someone slips poison into your drink, let’s hope the effect is that you lose your ability to speak.

dennymcden June 12, 2009 at 3:38 pm

Posting that picture of Gretchen Carlson looking special-needs is an insult to special-needs people everywhere.

Mr Blifil June 12, 2009 at 3:39 pm

She’s thinking of Roger Ailes’ wiener.

loudmouthredhead June 12, 2009 at 3:39 pm

At least we know “Morning Joe” is sponsored by Starbucks. What are the “friends” ingesting in commercial breaks? It almost seems like the conservative version of a baked circle of friends ranting about things…minus the smoke and the wisdom.

hockeymom June 12, 2009 at 3:39 pm

So let me get this straight.
We rounded these guys up, charged them with nothing, threw them in Gitmo and let them rot for the last four years. And if we send them home, they’ll be tortured and executed.

Seems entirely reasonable to put the blame squarely where it belongs….on those Uighur characters. Steve Doocey is right….this is EXACTLY what Jesus would do.

Crab1 June 12, 2009 at 3:40 pm

Just to be safe, I assume anyone who is brown might be a terrorist. Like yellow-jacket crazy-face lady up there. She probably has a bomb in her Coach purse.

queeraselvis v 2.0 June 12, 2009 at 3:41 pm

[re=337970]dennymcden[/re]: That’s not Gretchen Carlson. It’s Steve Doocy in really bad drag. Someone should tell him that yellow is not his color. Also.

zenferret June 12, 2009 at 3:41 pm

Damn that bitch has crazy eyez!

magic titty June 12, 2009 at 3:42 pm

[re=337968]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: Dammit. Well, I’m cosigning anyway. EVAR.

nappyduggs June 12, 2009 at 3:45 pm

A cupla things:
1.) The blond queen doing all that squawking gave great table service at Lucky Chengs last night. I am glad that she has a day job, though. Keep reachin for the stars, boo!

2.) As we are all well aware the whole continent of Australia was used as a place to dump undesirables so maybe the detainees will coup and either blow us all to hell or produce wonderful pop culture icons. Uigher Dundee, anyone?

nappyduggs June 12, 2009 at 3:46 pm

[re=337982]nappyduggs[/re]: Uighur, also.

Mark Sanford June 12, 2009 at 3:46 pm

Hello, they’re MUSLIN, so how will you be able to tell them apart from the other Mexicans?

paintitblack June 12, 2009 at 3:47 pm

GAH! If Cheney REALLY wants to get serious, down ‘n dirty about real, he-man torture, he should just post a giant photo that twisted skank all ovah Gitmo. I’m just about to ‘fess up to anything right now. Whatsa matter, girly-Dicktard? R you a-skeered of the pussy Geneva convention???

rachelv June 12, 2009 at 3:47 pm

Re: the guy who’s not Steve Doocy – are we quite sure that’s not Will Ferrell in makeup? Something about his beady eyes….

hobospacejunkie June 12, 2009 at 3:48 pm

Oh hell no, Doocy! I don’t wanna go there!

Of course, it’ll be hard to tell exactly who is the terrorist in the sombrero in Mexican Bermuda because, as we know, all Mexicans wear sombreros, just as all Bavarians wear them cute little leather pants ensembles every day to work. The Uighurs will probably be doubly crafty and join a mariachi band.

dennymcden June 12, 2009 at 3:49 pm

[re=337976]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: Is Doocy in drag to better facilitate the grabbing of the lingerie models? Or is he doing some ‘investigative journalism’ into the ‘prison life’ (read: butt sex) of ‘Uighurs’ (read: gays)?

Noodle Salad June 12, 2009 at 3:49 pm

On the plus side, the next time a blonde teenager goes missing on a tropical island, we can blame the muslins.

facehead June 12, 2009 at 3:49 pm

I prefer the term ‘Cuban Uigharian.’

Clancy_Pants June 12, 2009 at 3:51 pm

I love Gretchen Carlson. There, I said it.

Oh and I like the “Someone better tell Geraldo they might be going to Puerto Rico”

How about warning Sonia Sotomayor?

Hooray For Anything June 12, 2009 at 3:52 pm

[re=337973]hockeymom[/re]: I see in an effort to cut costs down, Fox had to lay off all their fact checkers. They apparently have also cut their internet service as they appear to be unable to even Google something.

Humpback June 12, 2009 at 3:52 pm

On my computer screen the crazy-eyed Fox lady image is just inches from the hot singles chat room ad with the come-hither-eyed cute chick. It gives me mental whiplash.

Min June 12, 2009 at 3:52 pm

I just hope their sombreros match their Bermuda shorts. Otherwise, the fashion police might re-imprison them.

queeraselvis v 2.0 June 12, 2009 at 3:54 pm

[re=337991]dennymcden[/re]: The latter. Rumor has it he wanted to know what hard-hitting journalism was really like.

GDuvall June 12, 2009 at 3:54 pm

“What do you think the Devil is going to look like if he’s around? Nobody is going to be taken in if he has a long, red, pointy tail. No. I’m semi-serious here. He will look attractive and he will be nice and helpful and he will get a job where he influences a great God-fearing nation and he will never do an evil thing… he will just bit by little bit lower standards where they are important. Just coax along flash over substance… Just a tiny bit.”

x111e7thst June 12, 2009 at 3:55 pm

[re=337972]loudmouthredhead[/re]: I recognize those staring eyes and the grinding teeth. They are the sure signs of someone who has way overinduged in bad coke heavily cut with mannitol.

19kevin8 June 12, 2009 at 3:56 pm

What? No alt text? Well, I guess her face does say it all…

gurukalehuru June 12, 2009 at 3:58 pm

Uighur, Uighur, Uighur! Uighur, Uighur, Uighur!

I got nothin’

Internally valid June 12, 2009 at 3:58 pm

So we’re not going to wrongfully imprison people, forever, anymore? I don’t know why we even HAVE a Gitmo.

SayItWithWookies June 12, 2009 at 3:59 pm

Okay, this is so far down the list of crimes against reason that I hesitate to even bring it up — buuuut here goes anyway. Whythefuck do they naturally assume that these Uighurs are going to be waiters? I mean, one of them might also be the goddamn landlord of your villa too, right? Or is it that all brown people do is wear sombreros and bring you drinks?
Then again, after that avalanche of stupid, Fox & Friends probably ought to stay away from Bermuda — because ordering some Chinese Muslim around and calling him Pedro might just remind him who rooted for his imprisonment without charges for seven years.

chascates June 12, 2009 at 4:01 pm

The picture really deserve alt text. But a blonde talker on Fox News with arched eyebrows and an open mouth isn’t even low hanging fruit. It’s rotting on the ground.

Hopey dont play that game June 12, 2009 at 4:04 pm

That picture might have cured me of my “bad habits” with teh crazy chicks. Until the next Bachman posting.

Lionel Hutz Esq. June 12, 2009 at 4:17 pm

And this is why we must bomb Mexico immediately!

The Station Manager June 12, 2009 at 4:18 pm

You can’t even write satire this good. Seriously, Good luck keeping up with this one, The Onion!

McDuff June 12, 2009 at 4:19 pm

Following the principle of “the enemy of my enemy is my friend,” we find that Uighurs hate commies, Ronald Reagan hated commies, therefore Ronald Reagan would like Uighurs. Therefore, if Fox and Friends hates on Uighurs, they is hatin’ on Ronald Reagan. Just say’n.

jetjaguar June 12, 2009 at 4:19 pm

please please pleeeeease be autotuned….

forgracie June 12, 2009 at 4:20 pm

I thought Wiggers were white guys who wore droopy pants.

Fox n Fiends June 12, 2009 at 4:22 pm


Morbo the Annihilator June 12, 2009 at 4:29 pm

AK-47 to fight Chinese incursions in your native homeland: one goat
Rifle training with Afghani anti-Chinese militia: three goats
Being mistaken for an Al Qaeda operative: five years off your life
Ticket to Bermuda: $200
Still being mistaken for a Mexican Muslin: priceless.

Blender June 12, 2009 at 4:45 pm

I’m deaf, so someone has to tell me: does “Uighur” rhyme with “Booger” or “Luger?”


p.s. Yes, I am Huckabee’s poetry ghostwriter. Fuck off.

zenferret June 12, 2009 at 4:58 pm

[re=338079]Blender[/re]: Wee-grr

They only growls a little bit.

EdFlinstone June 12, 2009 at 5:04 pm

Cant they just change the name of the show to the 3 crazy crackers.

Pat Pending June 12, 2009 at 6:44 pm

[re=338044]forgracie[/re]: I am totally in favor of leaving the Wiggers in Gitmo.

Uncle Sam June 12, 2009 at 7:25 pm

Uighur, please…

DustBowlBlues June 12, 2009 at 7:27 pm

[re=337973]hockeymom[/re]: Poor Uighurs. The Bushies actually negotiated with the Chinese for various shit, offering to send these sad people home to be tortured. More–we’d already gotten the ball rolling, keep them in solitary confinement for years, letting them out for two hours of “freedom” a day–in a cage.

Again, the wingers prove they are morally bankrupt, cruel and ignorant. We owe the Uighurs a huge apology, serious reparations, and a chance to waterboard the fuckers responsible for the way they were treated. Starting with Dick.

hobospacejunkie June 12, 2009 at 9:21 pm

[re=338002]GDuvall[/re]: “What do you think the Devil is going to look like if he’s around? Nobody is going to be taken in if he has a long, red, pointy tail. No.”

Uh, actually I would certainly be taken in if he has a long, red pointy tail. That would be some kind of giveaway, eh? I mean, imagine him saying “no, no, I’m just, uh, a genetic freak! Yeah, that’s it! I was born all fucked ‘n shit, like this.”

And then he accidentally vaporizes some kid on a bicycle who spits on him and well, the game is up. So yes, we would be taken in by the red pointy tail, asshole, whoever you are that is being quoted.

TGY June 13, 2009 at 8:57 am

“The surveyors say they may run into some quicksand up ahead.”

“Ok, I’ll send down a team of horses to check it out.”

“Horses! *THWACK* We can’t afford to lose no horses, you dummy! Send down a couple of Uighurs.”

Unlearned Hand June 15, 2009 at 8:36 am

So the Uighurs are Mexican Muslins? That means Obama (a secret Muslin!!!!!) will appoint them to the Supreme Court to force us all to have gay abortions!!!!! IT’S WHAT GLENN BACK SAID WOULD HAPPEN!!!!! ALSO!!!!!

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