David Blaine Should Be A Marine Sniper, For Reasons That Are Obvious
by Riley Waggaman
- Hey! Have you heard about hydrogen barackside, the disinfectant that “kills capitalism on contact?” Ha Ha. It kills capitalism on contact. Not to be confused with the soothing effect of crack mccaine, which “makes sucking that dick so worth it.” [RedState]
- During these troubled times, Marine Snipers need to learn how to resist torture, just in case they’re captured by the Americans. That’s why David Blaine runs a special summer camp where he locks soldiers in concrete footlockers until their legs turn to linguine or has them stand on a 100-foot pole for 35 hours in lousy weather. Some critics say David Blaine expects too much from his campers, but really it’s for their own good. [Andrew Sullivan]
- Desmond Tutu is very excited that Barack Obama is a black man, because this Halloween he won’t have to buy a fancy mask like last year when he went trick-or-treating as Ross Perot. [HuffPost]
- Do you perchance recall comedic genius and rightful heir to the Fox and Friends throne, Peter Doocy? You know, the chap who theorized Hillary Clinton was “hitting the sauce” and then invited John McCain over for strippers and Jello shots back at his dorm room? Well, prepare yourself for: P. Doocy, Fox News General Assignment Reporter, and you can bet your bottom he’s going to report on all the General Issues the Liberal Media ignores, like whether Hillary Clinton is still a virgin and if she showers in the morning or at night or not at all! [Think Progress]
{ 36 comments }
shame on me for clicking a link titled “sucking that dick” but good jeebus can i get an NSFW? or shit, a NOT SAFE FOR ANYTIME/ANYONE/EVER.
[re=337047]iantenna[/re]: I think a link entitled “sucking that dick” kinda sold itself there, iantenna…
wow, I didn’t know Redstate was designing their own Wacky Packages!
That KookAid is just the thing for Limbaugh!
Oh, and Redstate? Fuck you and your fucking amnesia.
Anagram for Riley Waggaman = Ye Alarming Wag.
I’m just sayin’.
Peter Doocy on FOX? That’ll add some class to FOX. Maybe they should just stick a camera in his dorm room and leave it on 24 hours a day. Masturbation TeeVee!
Doocy?
Yea, I bet he is a bottom too.
[re=337056]azw88[/re]: I have on my wall a matted and framed uncut sheet of 66 Wacky Packages stickers, circa 1978. Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair.
I luh redstate, where i can get my interracial porn and vitriolic rhetoric in one sitting!
Please, please stop making me click that.
Everytime I do I have to read it out loud all the way thru, to my kids. To teach about the dangers of Congressional leaders.
Oh yeah, a diaper.
I love the photos of Governor Paterson and Caroline Kennedy in the alley.
Have you ever had to WATCH Fox ‘n’ Friends, like when you’re stuck in a waiting room at a military medical facility on a weekend morning? You can literally feel your brain cells dying.
[re=337069]Country Club Jihadi[/re]: No eyed snake?
Torture is torture? Are we sure yet? ‘Cause I think the jury might still be out on this one. It’s a complicated question, full of nuance and — uh — ambiguity. On the one hand, waterboarding has been defined as torture for the last 500 years. And on the other hand, Oogabooga 9/11! 9/11! Terrorists! Mushroom cloud!
So it’s not really a settled issue.
Re: P-Douche
Does this mean Steve Doocy has died? That is what it took to get Young Russ the same gig. So there would be a bright side in this case….
I feel strongly that Wonkette should set up a Cafe-Press store so that I can have this blog post title silk screened onto an oven mitt.
If it is possible to watch FOX less than not all I will find a way.
[re=337063]sati demise[/re]: Hannity and Glenn Beck would be the first to confirm that, I’d wager.
Don’t haze the snipers, Mr. Blaine. You can run, but you’ll just die tired.
Doocy’s first “general” assignment should be a series on how easy it is for spoiled, no-talent twatwaffles to get totally awesome gigs wanking off in the public square simply because their last names happen to be “McCain,” or “Bush,” or even “Doocy.”
I’m so glad David Blaine is helping make the world safe for soulless hucksters like himself, the all-American archetype.
Here’s a little sumthin for RedState to chew on: Reagenettes
Girlfriends, I have a problem keeping my Bush, you know – “fresh.” Do you think Doocy would help?
Riley, I know that you but that unmarked transvestite back alley crackwhore link up there to get back at some of us who made inappropriate remarks on yesterday’s post. But you can’t touch us because we’re all unemployed, sucker.
Peter Doocy’s first assignment? Monitoring the alley between Q and Corcoran Streets.
Somehow, twenty years listening to Sister Ray still didn’t quite prepare me for that photo essay there.
[re=337124]Gorillionaire[/re]: Hilarious.
The best thing about the David Blaine story is imagining a bunch of fed up Marines locking him in his own concrete foot locker forever, for which they would deserve medals, and beer.
I would do one of my “Peter Doocy looks like a cross between Person X and Person Y” jokes, but it’s obvious he’s a product of his Dad’s taking everybody’s advice and fucking himself.
[re=337124]Gorillionaire[/re]: especially since– at least in pic 6– this guy CAN hit it sideways after all.
There’s a more obscure joke in there, too, but I can’t figure it out right now… something about a “distorted organ solo”.
Doocy is the most perfectly apt name in recorded history.
Can we stuff Doocy up David Blaine’s ass and make Blaine disappear forever? That would be the greatest magic trick in the whole wide world.
Chap, eh Riley? The evidence is piling up that you ain’t from around here, boy. Maybe you ain’t noticed but we don’t take kindly to strangers takin’ our jerbs.
No I am not funny. But you are, Riley. Keep ‘em comin’, no matter where you might be from. Some day we’ll know the truth, and the truth will amuse us.
Also David Blaine’s pandering attempt at credibility = fail. He does silly stunts for attention, like a class clown in 4th grade. Good for him.
Also, the “Cure for Capitalism” dumbfuckass cartoonist misspeeled tendancies. Becuz he is a dumbass retarded elementary school dropout.
Is Ross Perot still with us and making powerpoint slides?
I would love a debate/celebrety death match between him & Walnuts.
I did some calling around. Turns out that “Fox News General Assignment Reporter” means you are Glen Becks fluffer.
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