Wonkette
- REGARDING THE FAT DUMB SWANS OF MARYLAND: This is the only important news story of the day, or year: “Everyone loves swans in Maryland! They’re very pretty. But some of them are mute! Those ones… well they are not so pretty and must be killed immediately… That means shooting adults or snapping their necks, and coating eggs with vegetable oil to suffocate embryos.” [NBC Washington]
The MD DNR head biologist is an old college friend. I know he takes no joy in this, which is why I believe him.
Maybe Terry McAuliffe can carpetbag to MD, become the governor & stop these really nonsensical actions. Seriously, can’t we all just get along…where are the mute swan advocates?
Can’t they just send the pregnant swans to Philadelphia for the free abortions? Seems like a waste of vegetable oil…
This could be a good model for the appropriate treatment of Republican House leadership – the ones who should be mute, but aren’t.
“Biologists say adult swans eat up to 8 pounds of underwater grasses daily, eliminating critical vegetation that filters bay water and controls erosion. Ornithologists complain that the non-native swans push native birds such as least terns, black ducks and tundra swans out of nesting areas.”
Non-native plants cause problems, too. Just bring the swans to an area that has restricted or banned plants, and let them chow down. Let them trim the grass in public parks. Train them to attack swallows - nasty little birds, they kill song birds and push the eggs out of nests!
Problem solved. YOU’RE WELCOME, Maryland.
Just great. Go ahead, and publish our techniques. Now Al Qaeda and the Swans will know what we plan to do, and will be able to train to defeat it.
And why don’t you show the memos that show all the information we gained by putting veritable oil on eggs.
As one Admiral said “…[W]e got … information that … [was] very … valuable … to us … that … [we could] not … have got[ten] … from other tech[niques].”
I head the quote on Hannity, so it must be true. Damn liberals destroying our freedoms.
Is the Royal Canadian Governor somehow involved?
First they came for the mute swans, but I was silent, because I was not…wait.
by Jim Newell?
Wow, you do everything! Do you also contribute to Penthouse Letters?
FlownOver said:
“This could be a good model for the appropriate treatment of Republican House leadership – the ones who should be mute, but aren’t.”
I didn’t know they were advanced enough to lay eggs. I thought they ‘conjugated’ and just kind of exchanged icky wingnut RNA and then split in two. or morphed or replicantated. or something.
Egss, huh? Whou would’ve thunk that?
Why we are in iraq.
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/06/08/AR2009060801979.html
I would like to cover Sotomayor with vegetable oil.
I mean to suffocate her.
Dick Cheney has volunteered for the “snapping their necks” chore. He has run out of kittens.
Does our Editors’ posting links to other write-ups constitute a violation of blog-whoring Rule No. 1? Find out at 11.
shortsshortsshorts: Nope. But you can go ahead and ban me anyway.
Mike Steele: Glad to meet you!
If Bruno puts his balls in a sideways hat (because that’s just how they do it Austria) does that mean phony Teabagging’ stunts are conservative cuz he’s still wearing the logo of Wingnutia on the general area of his sack? Am I confusing you and T - Paw?
Democrats are all soft and weak and shit. Why not call them Creampies? Republicans hate creampies. They would rather “empathize” all over our behinds, right?
Wait… is this the real Michael Steele. It must be. You have his name. Duh, me.
Dear Wonketters: Why is Ed Shultz starring at me with a cigar in his mouth while taunting me about his pretty smile or something?
Seriously creepy. If I had a life, this is when I would go back to being a lurker.
Jim Newell: All hail Newell.
Swans. Dumb fat swans. Staying on topic here…I would laugh if this swan silliness weren’t so stupidly sad. The whole idea of ‘wildlife management’ is a pointless absurdity, a sad comment on the extreme arrogance of mankind in thinking we can ever control nature. Our failure to control the mighty Mississippi over the past 150+ years is only the most striking example of this arrogance and failure. (John McPhee chronicles this particular (the Mississippi) disaster in his book The Control of Nature.) And little examples like this war on swans are played out across America every day against non-native plants and animals and we, the humans, are always doomed to lose.
You cannot beat Mother Nature. But why the hell not have fun trying by breaking the necks of swans, or blowing the heads off deer (while “harvesting” them) or whatever other ways we like to mutilate or kill in the name of wildlife management. Yeah, I’m a pussy, tree-hugging vegetarian, but it doesn’t take a manly, swan-murdering badass to realize that trying to control nature makes as much sense as asking Neut Gingrich to stop masturbating when talking about Princess Maria, our future SCJOTUS.
Killing fat, mute swans sounds like a plan… now if we can just ‘coat’ (read tar and feather) Limbaugh in feathers and give him laryngitis…
Does this work with Republicans, too?
hobospacejunkie: Really, calling this ‘wildlife management’ is absurd. Just call it ‘hunting’ and issue a certain number of revenue producing licenses.
(And no, I’m not speaking as one who has obnoxious fat fucking Canada Geese shitting every where I want to sit, walk, eat lunch, play with my kids… no, not at all.)
I guess I should feel lucky, the town next to mine has an elk problem. Those motherfuckers are like 1200 pounds and can get mean in rutting season!
Lionel Hutz Esq.: for gods sake dont tell them about the “Black Swan” theory.
wha .. whats that … I hear a knocking on my door …. I dont like hoods .. why are you pouring Poland Srings in my face? … black swa …
Aside from the writer of this article on a major TV station web site having the journalism skills of a high-schooler (no offense high-schoolers), the problem here is government-sponsored abortions. Once you start coating their eggs with vegetable oil, they’ll start having sinful non-procreational sex (just imagining the grunting, snorting, and hissing makes me physically ill). I demand mute swan abstinence education.
“…He had been persecuted and despised for his ugliness, and now he heard them say he was the most beautiful of all the birds. Even the elder-tree bent down its bows into the water before him, and the sun shone warm and bright. Then he rustled his feathers, curved his slender neck, and cried joyfully, from the depths of his heart, ‘I never dreamed of such happiness as this, while I was an ugly duckling’….
“…Then two men in uniforms came down to the water, grabbed the ugly duckling and snapped his slender neck. ‘No more native grasses for you, asshole,’ they said, and they laughed in great guffaws.”
The End
shortsshortsshorts: What about the old ell? Can we suffocate it?
…just killing the swans would be such a waste, they could be recycled into the latest in HOBO FASHION!
AngryBlakGuy: I was wondering when the first Bjork joke was going to appear.
Lascauxcaveman: I guess I should feel lucky, the town next to mine has an elk problem. Those motherfuckers are like 1200 pounds and can get mean in rutting season!
All the motherfuckers get mean then.
That article was priceless. I loved the commenters getting their panties in a bunch.
The silver swan, who living had no note
When the Department of Natural Resources approached
Took a dirt nap
MARCdMan: Well, I kind of understand that woman who said she goes to that website for news, not satire. I mean, it is kind of distracting to come across Jim’s article when all you’re looking for is the straight news: slideshows of celebrity hookups and synopses of “air sex” competitions.
Personally, I become enraged whenever “facts” somehow infiltrate my satire. FACTS!!! *shakes fist*
I love the Economist-style subhed.
Several restaurants in the D.C. area serve Baked Mute Sawn Steak–it’s served on a bed of lettuce, with tartar sauce and horseradish sauce. It’s very tasty!
Most restaurants serve Baked Mute Swan Steak with foie gras. The tastes compliment each other!
Now that’s good eatin’!
I thought all swans were mute. Just shows what I know.
Sad. In my native land of Cedar Rapids, Iowa, a good ol’ fashioned Midwestern psycho stole a swan from the local cemetery and ate it. One of my favorite stories!
Bristol Palin read that story and is now giving herself a Wesson Oil douche.
windupbird: I think you mean House Sparrows, right? Swallows are songbirds too, and many are endangered.
(i say this as both a pedant and a bird lover)
Min: Around my part of the country we sometimes see (and hear) trumpeter swans, which do earn their moniker.
Min: Mute Swans are European, and have the S shaped neck. They will honk. Native swans (Whistling, Trumpeter) have straight necks, and can be quite noisy.
Sorry, did an essay in the 2nd grade after reading the Trumpet of the Swan. Nice to have it finally pay off.