Wonkette
Hmm, don’t recall many Democratic Leaders complaining during the 2008 campaign about Barack Obama’s explicit plan to shut down Guantanamo Bay, the obvious implication being that those with viable charges would be transferred to American (and a few European) prisons to face trial, while others with no charges would be released (and tracked!) in order to restore Law, which no one ever said would be easy but hey, free society, deal with it. We even recall these Democratic Leaders clapping and agreeing! They clapped and agreed again on Obama’s second day in office, too, when he signed an executive order to shut it down! So why did the Senate vote 90-6 today “to prohibit funding to transfer, release, or incarcerate detainees detained at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, to or within the United States,” like a bunch of sallies?
Apparently the federal Supermax prisons are unsafe! Someone should look into that, no?
“Guantánamo makes us less safe,” the Senate majority leader, Harry Reid of Nevada, said at a news conference where he laid out the party’s rationale for its decision, which is expected to be voted on this week. “However, this is neither the time nor the bill to deal with this. Democrats under no circumstances will move forward without a comprehensive, responsible plan from the president. We will never allow terrorists to be released into the United States.”
Jesus, Obama’s plan is coming out tomorrow, can you just wait like FOUR SECONDS before admitting that you agree with this magical Republican comedy video?
Hey Dick Durbin, please respond to 90 of your colleagues in grown-up language (Arabic):
Sen. Dick Durbin (D-Ill.) was one of the six Senators backing Obama’s cornerstone campaign pledge…
Arguing for the $80 million for the prisoner transfer–out of $91.3 billion Defense supplemental spending, Durbin said U.S. corrections personnel already handle dangerous prisoners “every single day.”
“The reality is that we’re holding some of the most dangerous terrorists in the world right now in our federal prisons,” Durbin said from the Senate floor.
Ha ha why are they debating this nonsense? Maybe the CIA learned via Enhanced Interrogation Techniques that The Terrorists (anyone held at Gitmo, for any reason) all have super powers — death lasers and Gambit-style explosive playing cards and the like — and they can only be contained by the natural electro-magnetic force field surrounding Gitmo, where they film the reality television show Lost.
Bring them to DC! They can incarcerate them in this very federal prison, where Wonkette rents its office. And hold tours, for money! What a boon to “Summer Tourist Season” that would be. Set it up like the Haunted Mansion ride at Disney Land: you get into creepy, Addams Family-style cabooses pulled around the prison by chains, everyone’s having fun, hologram ghosts appear to be sitting in your lap, ha ha ha, and then at the very end, fucking Khalid Sheikh Mohammed hops out of a trap door, into your caboose, shouts “BOOGITY BOOGITY BOO,” and slits your throat.
Maybe an Indiana Jones theme would be better? The details can be hashed out later.
Or they can live in our homes, who cares, just tie ‘em to a lamp with a piece of twine. Twine’s a respected, durable product. Goddamnit.
Democrats in Senate Block Money to Close Guantanamo [NYT]
Senate blocks Obama’s Guantanamo closing plan [Lynn Sweet]
I’s skeert of terraists. They are demons wit devil’s powurs.
PLEASE OH GOD SEND THEM TO SAN FRANCISCO. It would awesome. Just put them on a leash tied behind another man and they’ll fit right into my fair City.
Lex Luthor, The Joker, The Green Goblin and Magneto laugh at the Demrat and Repug pussies.
the terrorist has wonD!
It’s amazing how the Senate Dems continue to have beaten dog syndrome. NO ONE LISTENS TO THE GOP! Holy Shit! Reid, et al., need to get out of this DC news vacuum cable teevee cabal black hole. Eight percent of inmates are not US citizens already! Cry me a mother-fucking river, the Dems are as clueless and hopeless as the Republicans. So, how much is the wager these bitches back track tomorrow when teh preznit unveils his plan?
yea apparently the only government type people who have not gotten the terrism vapors yet are the ones from that tiny town in montana that’s like “give us the terrists! give em to us!” cuz they need some prison jobs or something. so yea montana. badass.
No to the Indiana Jones theme - the terrorists would escape by setting off a nuke whilst hiding in a fridge.
There aren’t many people I’d really like to kick in the nuts, but I have to say Harry Reid is a leading candidate.
Seriously, I /do not understand this/. We’re not talking about releasing terrorists* onto Main Street, Kansas, USA, armed with guns and explosives and boxcutters or whatnot, we’re talking about transferring them into maximum security prisons, far away from anyone who really should be giving a shit.
Suggestion! Fit them with tracking devices and move them to Alaska, where they can live off of the caribou herd and be shot at from planes if they get out of line.
* Muslins
ManchuCandidate:
Yeah, what about Arkham Asylum? There’s plenty of room there, and they are able to hold Mr. Freeze, for crimney’s sakes.
Maybe they have Ninja stars. I bet those suckers would really sting.
“Today, we are all Democratic Leaders…”
Just ship them back to Mexico.
Hmmm…what to do with a bunch of dangerous, murderous thugs who are probably now deranged after six years of confinement and abuse? Maybe Xe/Blackwater is hiring.
finland: Seriously? Nice. Where’s the infamous Commercial Prison Lobby when we need them? Too busy locking up potheads to smell the profit?
Two words: Attica! Attica!
Oh hell, just send ‘em to Angola Prison in Louisiana. Them there terrorists wouldn’t last a minute in the Louisiana summer heat and humidity.
I think we should take a suggestion from one of the Gitmo prisoners under serious consideration:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jerome-halligan/guantanamo-detainee-sugge_b_205604.html
They must let them read the Onion down there.
Anyone ever see Escape from New York? Let’s do that, except with Detroit. It would solve Gitmo and bring jobs to the midwest–win/win! Abu Zubaydah can be Snake Plisken.
Just a thought:
if we close gitmo, where will the repugs go for buttsecks?
SayItWithWookies:
How about telemarketers?
queeraselvis v 2.0: Yeah! Nomads don’t know nuthin’ bout oppressive heat!
what a bunch of nellies. or is it pollies? or sallies?
i always get those confused….
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_POW_camps_in_the_United_States
Holding Nazis (Nazis!) in camps throughout 45 states? Yes we can!
Locking up terrorists in super-dystopian sci-fi super-max prisons? [Pisses pants in fear]
Tommmcatt: Dude, the Joker’s escaped from that place so many times; all KSM would have to do is put on some clown makeup and he’d be out.
Gopherit: Omar Nazirr should get a job on the Daily Show.
Can’t we get the Fiendish Trap People working at Lucasfilms to design appropriately fiendish traps for these terr’ists? Say, putting them on treadmills that keep a bag of snakes from escaping into their cells, or preventing Oprah from coming on wall-sized TVs?
See it’s not torture, it’s *preventing* torture, that we’d put these Muslins to work at. Also.
Apparently, they want the Gitmos to man oars aboard the USS Constitution as it sails around the world.
TGY, Aboard the Flying Doucheman?
How does Harry Reid stand without having a functioning backbone?
Yeah, if the Senators had just watched one episode of Oz, they’d realize the terrorists would probably be ass-raped and assaulted by both gang bangers and white supremacists before they could even think about escaping
There’s gotta be some small town mayor out there scheming right now on how to get his hands not HOT FEDERAL MONEY by combining as many NIMBYs as possible; the Yucca Flats Nuclear Waste Disposal, Terrorist Trailer Park and Porn Emporium will be a reality in our lifetime.
Crab1: Now Crab, everyone knows it’s not the heat, it’s the humidity!
Ha ha. Wait ’til those assholes learn that all 14,000 prisoners up here in Rikers Island, have the pig flue and the warders have to send them all home.
Fucking milquetoast wimp that Harry Reid. I’m sick of him already. He’s so afraid somebody’s gonna accuse him of being soft on something.
NOOBAMA WHAT DO WE REALLY KNOW ABOUT HIM THEY WILL RELEASE THE TERRIST ELEMENTS TO COME AND BEHEAD OUR PRECIOUS CHILDREN AND IF YOU OBJECT NANCY WILL CALL YOU A RACIALLY INSENSITIVE BIGOT THAT JEW BITCH WAKE UP AMERICA LETTING CONVICTIONABLE TERRISTS LOOSE IS LIKE GIVING NIGGERS POWER YOU WILL ONLY END UP WITH A BLEEDING ANUS
Azkaban! Send ‘em to Azkaban! No one ever escapes from there!
I thought the Senate Dems would have grown a pair by now. My bad. No prosecutions, no release of torture pix, now backing off on Gitmo. Pussies. Color me pissed, sort of a golden yellow.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oh_ex3VGHIM
Newt “the frog” Gingrich has called for Pelosi to resign. Newt, go back to Tom Delay noman’s land. No one cares what you have to say. You and Cheney STFU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
http://liberaldoomsayer.files.wordpress.com/2009/04/newt-gingrich-baby.jpg
shortsshortsshorts: They must be planning to provide funding to keep the commissary and the spa open, since it is a LUXURY RESORT WITH COOL ZEPHYRS
Send them all to Sheriff Joe in Phoenix. Baked terrorist is considered a delicacy there.
Time to replay the video of the Bush-era Rethuglicans praising Gitmo as a tropical resort for coddled terrorists. Remember the fresh fruit and rice pilaf they shoveled out onto the Senate floor to demonstrate how absolutely wonderful Gitmo is? Apparently they absolutely adore these prisoners and want to keep them in this fancy tropical paradise instead of putting them in US prisons with potheads and repeat offenders.
Mr Blifil: I know you don’t resort to all-caps often, but when you do it really makes sense.
SayItWithWookies: participation in office bocce team is encouraged
They can’t come to New Hampshire. Our democratic guvner is too chickensh*t to sign a gay marriage bill. It might piss off the D.A.R. in Rye Beach…
Lord Growing: Heh. Historical Prison Camp Riot right in the heart of one of Seattle’s nicest neighborhoods.
Only the riot was started by the American soldiers at the camp. Go figure.
Monsieur Grumpe: How about telemarketers?
Gitmo, definitely. There’s no hope for those bastards.
I hate everything and every fucking body.
Mr Blifil: Is that you, Harry Reid?
Obama needs to blow up Gitmo’s Swan Station in alternate 1979, thus causing an instability in the time loop, leading him to be half as entertaining as he was in the first 100 days and eventually confusing the Republicans into not watching him anymore.
problemwithcaring: I love hatefucking everybody. We’re not so different, you and I.
Aha. Now I understand. That world-class doggy terrorist Michael Vick has escaped from prison in Kansas. Just walked out after being arrested, tried and sentenced and doing time. We cannot take the chance on those guys in Gitmo playing football for Al Davis and the Oakland Raiders. Senate Dems put a stop to such a security nightmare. Stupid f&c*k%i#n$g cowards. Harry Reid will now call Rush Limbaugh to apologize for Dems winning the election.
Even with a majority, the democrats are a bunch of fucking pussies.
Who’s going to start the “Vote No On Incumbents” movement for 2010? Anyone?
4tehlulz:
Perhaps you’re right. TO THE PHANTOM ZONE WITH THEM!
Solution, California needs money and Schwarzenegger said he would sell San Quentin to raise money. The Feds could buy the California prison and move the terrorist to San Quentin. Two problems solved.
Bad enough my two new york senators voted aye. Feingold voted for this crap platter? Feingold?
http://www.senate.gov/legislative/LIS/roll_call_lists/roll_call_vote_cfm.cfm?congress=111&session=1&vote=00196
Sagacity: Done.
lukewarm: I’ll see your Feingold and raise you Bernie Sanders.
Obama can still turn this around. He just has to convince congress that forcing the prisoners to touch American soil will be torture. Congress has no problem with funding that.
where Wonkette rents its office
Fuggin’ elitists and ur offices.
Have these guys never watched a single prison movie? The gitmo crowd will be shanked within 24 hours of arrival. Problem solved.
We have a brand new prison here in our state. It is pretty as a picture. But the one thing about it is it doesn’t have any prisoners. Not one. “Why was it built?”, you ask. Can’t say. But anyway, the private contractors who own the nice prison said that “Well if we don’t have enough prisoners here in our state, let’s go get some damn Guantanamo prisoners!” Great idea! But then they found out that we have a law here that says no prisoners allowed except for our own native clean attractive prisoners from our own nice state. The end.
Mustang: Put ‘em there anyway. This is no time to start developing a respect for the law.
Newly refurbished and a stone’s throw from some of the best middle-eastern foodstuff purveyors on the East Coast, I give you the 759 bed, Brooklyn House of Detention.
http://curbed.com/archives/2009/03/19/judge_greenlights_brooklyn_jail_but_hold_the_retail.php
Hoppity skip back into Bill Clinton territory: didn’t the Dim majority vote against him constantly (no didn’t love Wild Bill all that much, myself, but the alternative was way worse)? And we all see how that ended up: 8 years of teh horror of Darth which is how Gitmo was invented. Can’t believe I agree w/Freeperville: DIMocrats indeed!
I’d pay for a ride like that. Or second-best have the writers of thedailybeast fill the role of ghouls, “SOOOO-ciallliiiiissmmm!!!”
Oh oh I wanna see what excuses the wacky netroots will use to explain why their patron saints voted for it.
Sagacity: That’s a bit too rational a solution. What are you, a reader?
shortsshortsshorts: The nearest airport toilet, of course.
Zhu Bajie
Maybe these people in Gitmo should be tried in a court of some sort before determining whether they deserve to be held for ever and where?
Turn them loose in Cuba.
proudgrampa: Where else is available? Let’s see…
Death Star Prison Block
Butcher Bay
That Prison in the Wood Elf fancy place in Mirkwood, from the Hobbit
The Stockade
The Vault
The IMPENETRABLE JAIL you are locked up in, in every single goddamned RPG.
The best part? I hear all of these places have a few vacancies that just opened up recently…
The Ramada in Perryville Maryland actually sounds like a good idea to me. It’s got an all weather pool, exercise room, tennis court and it comes with a continental breakfast included for about $25 per day per death dealing islamo-fascist.
For those afraid they’ll escape, I’d point out nobody has ever escaped from Perryville in it’s entire four hundred years history, it’s the National Oubliette
Surely there are some WallMarts willing to lock them up in exchange for late night cleaning services.
dijetlo: And if anybody did sneak out they’d end up going around in circles in a couple of acres of woods until The Blair Witch got ‘em.
Too bad that club the Mineshaft isn’t still open in the Meatpacking District of NYC. That would be the perfect place for the terrorists. Waterboarding? Try a dip in the piss pool…so relaxing.
dijetlo: ack I can’t believe I know where the Ramada of Perryville MD is… It’s true: no one can escape from there bc the ever fabulous Perryville Outlets next door are one giant sucking sound of a blackhole.
Zadig: I knew, with just a little cooperation, we could solve this problem!
Sure, I posted this last week, but Jon Stewart said it all back in January:
http://vodpod.com/watch/1315268-daily-show-guantanamo-baywatch-the-final-season
Why the fuck can’t the Republicans just leave my asshat little state out of their video? Haven’t I suffered enough? What are they–terrorists out to torture Democrats in the Heartland? WTF? That’s what Inhofe and Coburn are for.
This is such a weird argument. Our prisons can’t hold terrorists? If that’s the case, we’d better improve the state of our prisons, because I do not want to to look out the window and see Charles Manson swimming in my pool.
I have no reason to believe he was an avid swimmer. Just seems like the crazy-ass kind of thing he’d do.
paintitblack: “Hoppity skip back into Bill Clinton territory:”
Hippity skip even farther back to Jimmy Carter days. The D’s in congress worked overtime putting the knife into his administration. Helping ushering in the reign of Saint Ronald. I expect Rs to be assholes but just once in awhile I wish the Dems would grow a pair, collectively.
chascates: That’s a novel thought.
dijetlo: “National Oubliette”
Sorry, but I don’t trust anyone who uses big words like that. I am in Oklahoma, you know.
BTW–Rachel is identifying the Carmina Burana music everyone loves as O, Fortuna. Good for her. Man, that’s one overused piece of music. The Rs seem to love it on all their videos.
Damn, Bernie Sanders voted for this pile? Must be the NRA…seriously, the guy who brought up the shanking/shiving theory of terroist dirtnapping may have a very legitimate point, but they probably wouldn’t let them in general population. Also, but they did get Dahmer, alsoer.
Sagacity: Not only do the terrohiz have the powers to escape maximum security prisons, they can swim like a mofo. Sure the beard adds some drag in the water but it does keep your face toasty warm in the frigid waters. I could be wrong but I believe KSM was a favorite for the gold in the 1500 meters in Athens in 2004 before being picked up.
You hippies, haven’t you seen Con Air? If you put those terrorists with red-blooded American criminals, they’ll band together to form a gay, low emissions Voltron and perform mass abortions on everyone. Well don’t come crying to Nicholas Cage or John Cusack when that happens, buddy boy!
DustBowlBlues: “O Fortuna”
I don’t trust anybody who uses high-falutin furren-sounding Portugee music. Or is it now legit since pro wrestling used it? OK nevermind.
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Zadig: you left out Nova Prospekt.