Wonkette
Legislative Correspondent - Congresswoman Brown-Waite seeks a highly motivated individual with exceptional writing and organizational skills. Responsibilities include coordinating and responding to constituent inquiries, assisting legislative staff, training/supervising interns, and answering phones. Successful applicants will have a working knowledge of Congress, a knack for research, well developed critical thinking skills, patience and tact. Participation on the office bocce team is encouraged. To apply, please submit your resume, a cover letter, and an essay explaining that if you were to give the Queen an iPod, what would you load on it and why to Katharine_____@mail.house.gov.
Jesus, how do I work “cunt” into a response to a fucking post like that?
Surely thou art shitting us. [clicks link]
Nope.
Wait, seriously?
Why does he want to know about my load habits?
Oh, wait, Republican. Never mind.
Bocce?!!! Is every Republican from Florida except Marco Rubio and Katharine Harris a gay Frenchman?
I didn’t think that was how bukkake was spelled. Or that there were teams. Hmm. Learn something new every day….
pour some sugar on me, def leppard
closer, nine inch nails
i wanna sex you up, color me badd
cause the queen is one randy piece, ooo yeah. she and ginny browne waite just gonna listen to these three tracks while they sit around playing with all those (bocce) balls, of all different sizes.
old ladies gotta enjoy something, i guess. if you like balls, you like balls.
Maybe it’s because I’m drunk, or maybe it’s because I’m stoned, but I have no fucking clue what this post is about.
do i get the job? does this really need a cover letter AND a balls essay? doesn’t the track list speak for itself?
i guess maybe this job listing doesn’t seem all that ridiculous if you’ve actually spent some time working on the Hill? anyone else with me on that?
this is the same Ginny Brown-Waite who carries a revolver with her at all times when she’s in her district.
Office bocce team? And can anyone actually have a working knowledge of Congress?
Besides, anyone who’s ever had a cat can supervise interns.
chascates: “And can anyone actually have a working knowledge of Congress?”
Uh, that depends - are we talking sexual congress or….?
Custerwolf: I’m sober (it is the middle of the work day on Friday in whatever fucking time zone I am in) and I didn’t understand it either.
My father tried bocce in his late 70’s when he became too old and authritic for softball. Even he thought it was a game for assholes.
shanemacgowan: You have just made my boyfriend’s night.
Shit - I get it now! This is Ken’s new job. Where he’ll be going now that the whole Olberman scandal has brought Wonkette (the second ‘t’ is silent) to her bloody, bloody knees.
What’s she really looking for?
The perfect candidate?
This would be the Mark 2.0 Intern-O-Bot with the Bootlicking upgrade. Runs on the last quarter inch of goo at the bottom of a leftover cocktail glass, and banana peels… just like the Mr. Fusion machine in your 2009 DeLorean.
Cranial Positraction is now standard, giving more torque to the mental gymnastics required to cover up your boss’s f***wit mistakes. After all, this is Texas, for Jeebus H. Jumpin’ Christ On A Soda Cracker’s Sake!
Well, the iPod thing; I’m glad you asked: as an absolute must have I’d start with the Sex Pistols “Never Mind the Bollocks” album. Then what the hell, some Elton John and Morrisey (from one old queen to another), then …
Twenty-first Century Schizoid Man
and lots of Republican bondage porn (gay, of course)
Been Caught Stealing (Jane’s Addiction)
I Know What Boys Like (The Waitresses)
jimh: Everything’s Wrong If My Hair’s Wrong (The Waitresses).
Custerwolf:I would say you should work that cunt into it as often and in as many ways as possible.
This is the same woman who, in a job posting a few years ago, asked all applicants to submit a recipes involving bass. At the time I recall her defending the odd request explaining it was a simple way for her office to weed out the serious applicants (i.e. those who actually read the posting and followed directions) from people who were just sending out resumes blindly. This is actually much less embarrassing than the time she quoted Larry The Cable Guy in a debate on the House floor.
Florida: What do you expect from a state filled with people who don’t mind having alligators living in their backyard? Literally. I have one in the retention pond behind my house and it is only when my non-Floridan friends come to visit that I become aware that this is considered strange.
So basically you are looking for a bocce ringer. I’m not sure exactly sure what that is or where you find one, but they are likely a foreignz
Participation on the office bocce team is encouraged. Isn’t that adorable?
I’m not gonna get the job, am I? I don’t listen to music. I’d be giving a blank iPod, one of which I’ve never owned. Or maybe I’d fill it with podcasts. The Guardian’s Football Weekly, Start the Week with Andrew Marr and In Our Time with the kind of insufferable Melvyn Bragg. And maybe a few random choices from Leonard Lopate. I have cats so I can handle the interns. I’m also large, so I’d probably just use physical intimidation. Congress ain’t that complicated, probably. Bocce is, well, I don’t know. I think we played it in 5th grade once, but I don’t remember the rules. So far as I’m concerned, if it ain’t soccer it doesn’t exist.
Custerwolf: I’m waiting for you to make my night.
Good buddy, I’d give the ol’ Queen Liza a copy of Kinky Friedman yodeling, “If You’ve Got the Bocce, Ginny, I’ve Got the Balls.”
I would give the Queen an empty iPod, so she could load it herself according to her tastes. Then I would have her suck my bocce balls.
Christ, where I grew up in New Jersey, bocce was what everybody’s one-foot-in-the-grave Sicilian grandfather did for kicks. Now it’s the new black or something. I consider these nouveau bocce twat poseurs one rung below below the kickball douchebags, who themselves rate two rungs below pedophiles and serial killers.
R esimay
To hoom it mae cunsern,
I waunt to apply for the job what I saw on the inter nets. I can Type realee quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.. I think I am good on the phone and I no I am a pepole person,
Pepole really seam to respond to me well. Certain men and all the ladies..
I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a job thru my persinalety.
My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,
I can start emeditely. Thank you in advanse fore yore anser. hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.
Sinseerly,
BRYAN
cc: Glenn Bek
It’s a terrible economic depression kind of thing. Next time she will have the applicants dance until the last one standing.
jimh: I love The Waitresses too, Thinking About Sex Again. But I would send the Queen K-os because who else would do that for her but me? I love the Queen.
Christ, where I grew up in New Jersey, bocce was what everybody’s one-foot-in-the-grave Sicilian grandfather did for kicks. Now it’s the new black or something. I consider these nouveau bocce twat poseurs one rung below below the kickball douchebags, who themselves rate two rungs below pedophiles and serial killers.
wow gold
Because I am a liberal elitist I grew up playing lawn bowling. Only a helmet-headed Republican wankstar would prefer crushed oyster gravel to proper American grass as a playing surface.
Of course if Rush Limbaugh felt he had to defend this he would point out that John Kerry requires his interns to play Petanque.
The Queen will die waiting for the next Republican President to hand her an ipod full of gay showtunes.
Dear Katharine:
The United States does not have a fucking queen.
Do I get the job?
My old Italian bocce-playing uncles would be perfect for this job. And they’d load the Queen’s iPod with plenty of Sinatra and Vic Damone.
Dear Ginny and Kathy:
I’d put every goddamn patriotic song from ‘Yankee Doodle’ to ‘Don’t Give Us A Reason’. From ‘Ballad of the Green Beret’ to ‘Let the Eagle Soar’. Then, on autoplay at full volume, I’d shove that red, white & blue ipod so far up the Queen’s ass, people would salute the USA everytime she opened her mouth.
GIT R DONE!!!!
Donny Osmond - Live at Edinburgh Castle. You know, from Donny’s ‘Summer Nights’ 2004 tour.
DangerousLiberal: Too. Much. Win.
Too Drunk to Fuck (Dead Kennedys)
God Save the Queen (Sex Pistols)
The Queen is Dead (The Smiths)
4tehlulz: You took the words out of my mouth on #2 and #3. I’d also “Irish Blood, English Heart” by Moz - lesser known but she’d love
I’ve been dreaming of a time when
The English are sick to death of Labour
And Tories, and spit upon the name of Oliver Cromwell
And denounce this royal line that still salute him
And will salute him forever
Isn’t bocce just for the olds?
*blink*
I was once a member of a drinking team with a bocce problem. I wonder if that’s what she means…
I wonder if the Queen is sick of Tubular Bells by now?
I think she would like her own songs, so Queen’s Greatest Hits.
For the iPod:
–Killer Queen
–God Save the Queen
–Any song by Queens of the Stone Age
–Kings and Queens
–Sex and Drugs and Rock and Roll
Every U2 and Sinead O’Connor song screaming about British oppression.
shanemacgowan: Where were you, I just woke up. All kidding aside, I totally fantasized that was you last night. And Joe was a very good sport to play stand-in.
In the autumn, we wander the fields gathering Psilocybin cubensis. We then relish the color and pageantry of bocce, and we regularly ask one another: “What would you put on the Queen’s IPod?”
Little did we realize that we were training to become Republican Congressional staffers.
Man that matches my skill set perfectly!
Red Zeppelin: So does not being able to make a lick of sense out of that ad automatically disqualify me?
lawrenceofthedesert: HA! Or Kinky singing “Get Your Biscuits in the Oven and Your Buns in the Bed.”
sanantonerose: I am not sure that Ginny or the Queen would understand the connection between biscuits and an oven. Imo, we at Wonkette have a responsibility to be liberal without being esoteric.
lawrenceofthedesert: Speak for yourself. I am responsible for nothing.
lawrenceofthedesert: Esoteric? That’s the nicest thing anyone’s said to me all morning! I generally attempt to eschew obfuscation, but sometimes I just cain’t help mahself.
The person who is receiving resumes is named Katharine Troller.
Successful Troller is successful.
Mark Sanford: Probably gay Italian. A gay Frenchman plays petanque.
I have a friend who always calls cocaine “bocce.” I assumed this was either something the Gays say, or some dumb thing he made up. Then I saw this post and figured “oh, ok, it’s a real thing.” Now I am not so sure.
In any case, I think we can confidently assume that they are looking to hire a gay cokehead with bad taste in music. If DC is short, we here in Florida can probably spare a few…
Is this what Republican job postings look like!? Fer chrissake, I’ve been a Democrat all this time and fer NUTHIN’!!!