Wonkette
There is a special rule in politics: only Republicans can be actors (Reagan, Schwarzenegger, Thompson). Republican actors are “serious,” whereas the Democrats are just a bunch of hippie slobs who want to make North Korea our 51st state. That is why Val Kilmer cannot run for governor of New Mexico.
But maybe he will try anyway? So writes Lloyd Grove in Tina Brown’s Internet Compendium of Idle Speculation Regarding Actors Running for Public Office:
The actor has been spending much of the past few months consulting strategists, spin doctors and politicians about a possible career move—and tantalizing professional Democrats in the Land of Enchantment with the possibility that he might jump into next year’s free-for-all to succeed the term-limited Bill Richardson.
Val Kilmer is many things, but he is certainly no Bill Richardson. He will still have to gain a good 30 pounds for that.
Val Kilmer for Governor? [The Daily Beast]
I’d volunteer to fuck that gut off of him.
Val is pregnant with space alien babies. He is New Mexico!
Custerwolf: I just watched “The Doors” again this weekend. Rowr. I’ll help.
Richardson: You and your gut think you are cowboys/Jim Morrison/Iceman.
Kilmer: What’s your problem, Beardy?
Richardson: You’re everyone’s problem. That’s because every time you shoot off your mouth, you’re unsafe. I don’t like you because you’re an asshole (see relationship with John Frankenheimer.)
Kilmer: That’s right! Beard… man. I am, uh, dangerous.
Custerwolf: Well aren’t you a saint.
Omigod!!! I’m slimmer than Val Kilmer!! (Not by much, and also there’s the no talent thing.)
Can he still see his toes?
Custerwolf: You’re gonna hafta fight my wife for the privilege.
I decided he was the hottest person on the planet when I was about 14. Then he went all weird and I moved on to people who were actually smart as opposed to those who happened to play a smart person once. If I really worked at it, I could blame his fall and this moronic idea on George Lucas.
Geez Val, whatever happened to this guy?
http://i389.photobucket.com/albums/oo336/brontie2/val.jpg
“People are aware that Barack Obama burst onto the scene at the 2004 convention before he was even elected to anything,” McMahon says, though Obama was in fact an Illinois state senator.
Oh, great. This happened last time, too — Bill Clinton made being president look easy, and then the American people figured if he could bring peace to Northern Ireland while getting blowjobs in the back room, anyone could do it — and then look what we got for eight years.
The history of the presidency in the entertainment age will be one of tension between competent, boring technocracy and utterly batshit death-defying stupidity. I can’t wait.
maybe once he’s governor of new mexico, he’ll be able to requisition a belt
superfecta: “Then he went all weird and I moved on to people who were actually smart as opposed to those who happened to play a smart person once.”
Get the fuck out of my kitchen right now.
The WaPo gossip column has been speculating on this for months because he has been in DC a LOT over that time talking to momey people, consultants, etc. I like this idea. Let’s have all our governors as slightly washed up former big time stars (Florida has one sort of since Charlie Crist is George Hamilton lite). There are lots of aging folks out there in Hollywood dying for a comeback, and just think of all the hijinks that would ensue if they all got into politics. Burt Reynolds for Gov. of Illinois, maybe?
Somehow, even better: Val Kilmer in a wetsuit.
I raise a beer to Kilmer… making us middle aged guys feel a little better about ourselves.
That said: I’m sure as soon as he gets his next movie part Kilmer will hire a personal trainer and in about 6 weeks look better physically than I ever have.
Custerwolf: You’d have to do it on a treadmill for extra burn.
SayItWithWookies: Think about it though, being able to negotiate a successful career in Hollywood takes some strategy - unless you’re blonde with big tits and have a relative in the biz or you know Donald Trump.
Chorizo empanaditas are great beach food but are known to cause bloating. May cause sudden growth of neck beards. Furthermore.
Custerwolf: Of course if Val still looked like that, all the women would be stepping into the voting booths with their vibrators and the lines would back up into Arizona.
As long as he makes Skeet Surfing the state sport.
SayItWithWookies: You mean there’s a post-entertainment age?
Whew, a richie famous actor guy fatter then me!
Speaking for once-hot, gut-enhanced males the world over, I can only say that if Val was in too good of shape, y’all would just assume he was gay, like Tom Cruise, etc. So this is why our future New Messican gov is a bit tubby.
That, and food tastes good.
I think it’s time to round up all the rethugs and intern them for the duration of this economic recovery. Let’s put them away where their little whining voices won’t be heard, where their screeches of faux outrage over everything from a comedian’s performance to a woman’s bare arms will no longer be heard.
Meanwhile, we can seize their property and auction it off, level the playing field. Maybe we can take their boots too, and when they’re released in about 10 years, we can all sit back and smugly say “up by your bootstraps, bubba, no handouts for you.” Do you think it would take 5 minutes? 15? for them to start whimpering about reparations?
I still say Ashley shoulda sent him over in “Heat.”
This is what comes of having enough money to not even think about ordering dessert when you’re at a restaurant.
Lascauxcaveman: I’m convinced. You should hire on as his PR spokesperson.
Doglessliberal: Maybe it’s just a clever ruse, like Joaquin Phoenix’s rap career? Or is he serious about that?
If only he would run for Preznit. Val’s Outie vs. Gary’s Innies?
We still haven’t exhausted possible candidates from the original ‘Predator’ movie. If Carl Weathers isn’t available then I say we draft Bill Duke or Shane Black.
Serolf Divad: OMG - he looks like a pregnant beached whale in that one!
Ummm, Kilmer, I’m there for the “personal training”. heh.
Loved it when he disguised himself as a gay German dude in The Saint. Worst. Gay. Accent. Ever.
Maybe he should just run for office as that character….that would rock.
Don’t you people understand that Simon Templar is not fat? In that photo, he is merely disguised as, uh, Western Saint Friar Tuck.
Serolf Divad: To paraphrase Joan Rivers’ classic diss, originally about a rapidly aging and expanding Liz Taylor:
Guys, remember when you all wanted to look like Val Kilmer?
Now you all do!
I’m with Cwolf, though. I’ll bet a dedicated posse of those of all of us who’ve thought he was Just Dreamy over the past 20+ years could fuck him back into shape in next to no time. Who’s with me?
I, for one, can never forgive him or Clooney for taking part in Joel Schumacher’s anal crucifixion of Batman.
Custerwolf: I watch a lot of movies, so contemplating the actor-to-politician phenomenon, assuming the better actor becomes the better president, I’m thinking Val Kilmer > Ronald Regan, in a landslide.
Holy Shit! It just occurred to me what an awesome president Kevin Kline would be!
Oh, wait, I guess he already was.
Serolf Divad: somehow even better?
he looks like a walrus.
We’d better let him win. I remember he built a super death laser once, even before he became Batman.
This could totally be his campaign video- http://www.imdb.com/rg/VIDEO_PLAY/LINK//video/screenplay/vi2196963609/
Custerwolf: Either talent or the ability to suck the chrome off a trailer hitch. So one could go as far as Monica Lewinsky or Jeff Gannon. Think about them running the country.
Custerwolf: Agents.
Custerwolf: Exactly. “I’m your huckleberry…”
A Harlequin Bromance: Thanks. That’s the second time this morning I’ve had to change my underthings.
TGY: You’re right. I was being naive.
Custerwolf: Sounds like your laundry basket will be my treasure chest this week. (Again.)
Are you sure that’s not Sam Waterston in a cowboy hat? Free robot insurance for everyones!
iolanthe: Custerwolf: Great music (The Doors), lousy movie. Oliver Stone’s naked envy was evident in every scene.
Before you slip into unconsciousness
I’d like to have another kiss
Another flashing chance at bliss
Another kiss, another kiss.
Custerwolf: Jesus, get a grip Wolfie, you were extra incorrigible last night, I’ve never heard so many wonketters salivary glands shift into third. It’s all fun and games until somebody puts his eye out. Sorry, I’ve said too much and I’m not one to judge. That’s not really true, sorry. again. I liked him better in Real Genius. “Can you pound a nail thru a 2×4 with your penis?” “Not right now.” No dissembling, simple honesty, if she somehow inferred from that, that he might be able to later, well, that’s not his fault. I like that.
SayItWithWookies: Personally, I credit Sarah Palin with this trend. Folks began to think that if she could run for vice president, anyone could make a career in politics.
peorgietirebiter: Hinting at Val’s rock-hard potential is NOT discouraging me.
You forgot about Sonny Bono, republican actor/politician. RIP.
Governor! Oh goodness! (NSFW)
earnestcivilservant: Tree hugger - uh, no wait.
Sweetie: Wrong aging idol, still funny.
Sweetie: That photo just turned me lesbian.
Self confidence is way sexy. The self confidence to walk around shirtless outside the confines of your own bathroom with that gut, wiry-brittle chest hair, and “old-timer” nipples is just plain sexy. Fame is sexy, also. Put me in the column, “would ride it.”
RoscoePColtraine: What she said.
Custerwolf: Beat you to it!
Only if he wears the beard and wig from Entourage while taking a massive bong hit will I vote for him.
A Poem By Pam Ayers
Oh, I wish I’d looked after me dear old knockers,
Not flashed them to boys behind the school lockers,
Or let them get fondled by randy old dockers,
Oh, I wish I’d looked after me tits.
‘Cos now I’m much older and gravity’s winning.
It’s Nature’s revenge for all that sinning,
And those dirty memories are rapidly dimming,
Oh, I wish I’d looked after me tits.
‘Cos tits can be such troublesome things
When they no longer bounce, but dangle and swing.
And although they go well with my Bingo wings,
I wish I’d looked after me tits..
When they’re both long enough to tie up in a bow,
When it’s not the sweet chariot that swings low,
When they’re less of a friend and more of a foe,
Then I wish I’d looked after me tits.
When I was young I got whistles and hoots,
From the men on the site to the men in the suits,
Now me nipples get stuck in the zips on me boots,
Oh, I wish I’d looked after me tits.
When I was younger I rode bikes and scooters,
Cruising around with my favourite suitors.
Now the wheels get entangled with my dangling hooters,
I wish I’d looked after me tits..
When they follow behind and get trapped in the door,
When they’re less in the air and more near the floor,
When people see less of them rather than more,
Oh, I wish I’d looked after me tits.
TGY: Yes, but he hasn’t been able to find his penis in years.
magic titty: I am not sure HE even knows if he is serious.
WIDTAP: That’s because he’s always got it buried somewhere.
Sorry, it’s just a fact girls. Fame alone will get a dude lots of 20 year old pussy/ass. It’s the main reason guys pursue stardom with such energy and zeal. Danny Devito? Joe Pesci? Girls throw their pussy at even those guys.
RoscoePColtraine: Un-uh. The only pussy I’d throw their way is one or two of my cats.
Come on baby light my fat ass.
And don’t forget Fred “Gopher” Grandy in the stalwart collection of GOP know-nothing former actors.
I’m pretty much indifferent to the idea of celebrities running for political office, on account of they aren’t necessarily going to screw up worse than anybody else.
Actually, I think Senators and Congresspeople should be chosen by lottery. Presidents by death match.
However, if celebrities insist on running, I would think it considerate of them if they would give us a little, teeny, tiny clue about what they stand for, besides the beauty-queen-vapid “I want to give something back to the country” that everybody let the Terminator get away with.
Custerwolf: Sorry dear. When your that gut heavy, erectile dysfunction becomes a significant issue. That and trying to convince the fat bastard that you will only go cowgirl style.
When I was studying abroad, I watched “Tombstone” every day with my classmates. If he could grow back that mustache, I would totes move to NM to vote for his bloatedness.
Custerwolf: for god’s sake! don’t make me call your daddy!
Custerwolf: I thought Bill Ayers was married to Bernadine Dorhn:
http://pal2pal.com/BLOGEE/images/uploads/bernardine_dohrn.jpg
WIDTAP: You’re joking, right? Can I tell you how many fat guys with hard-ons I’ve turned down?
Let’s not lose sight of how much he sucked as Batman.
peorgietirebiter: That’s quite alright. What came out of his wife’s vag and what came out her rectum my dad treated pretty much the same way.
Gallowglass: I’ll give you that one.
He’s got to promise to bring Mitch Taylor into his elite circle of advisers.
Have we seriously gone this far without talking about Willow? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pqh3tMZhOXQ
Val Kilmer is many things, but he is certainly no Bill Richardson. He will still have to gain a good 30 pounds for that.
De Niro did it.
Custerwolf: Fat guys with hard-ons or just fat guys with ambitions?
RoscoePColtraine: Though Danny Devito is married to Rhea Perlman:
http://cache.daylife.com/imageserve/0dijci464n71x/340x.jpg
WIDTAP: Some with hard-ons, some with ambitions, and some with cold hard cash.
A Harlequin Bromance: Hey, his ex is in that clip.
Your dangerous, Obama.
Um, is this were I sign up to fuck Val Kilmer?
slumcat: Get in line.
Custerwolf: *cries* Strewth! I guess I shouldn’t have beaten so many people with them.
http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2003/1813045433_a2bbc84a12.jpg?v=0
Custerwolf: If being blonde and having big tits and/or “knowing” Donald Trump was enough to make you a star, there would need to be at least 900 more Hills spinoffs to accommodate all of them.
frumious_bandersnatch: Fuckin NICE.
A Harlequin Bromance: What is there to talk about?????? Thanks (not!) for bringing that one up! You reminded me that’s one (of many) movies that I wish I could get the time back I spent watching!
assistant/atlas: But you have to admit that without those things, you don’t even stand a shot an audition.
frumious_bandersnatch: I solved the problem by not having any to begin with.
http://i389.photobucket.com/albums/oo336/brontie2/mama.jpg
Custerwolf: Well okay then, I can feel a little better about myself for at least feigning decency when it was easy and of no consequence. It’s the little things that allow me to stave off the ghosts of Christmas past.
A Harlequin Bromance: I did allude to it in passing, but no direct mention. I would consider changing my mind about this if Warwick Davis would be employed by the state in some sort of magical dwarf capacity.
Gallowglass: Bowling for Soup, in the hizouse!
Custerwolf: Okay, first of all: beautiful goat! Secondly: Hawt. Not the goat. Or the kid. You can tell ‘accuz I’m not a Republican.
frumious_bandersnatch: Believe it or not I picked up that goat hitchhiking.
Charlton Heston is the next Ronald Reagan. Assuming he is still alive. If he died, I assume it was by murder-suicide gunfire?
Val, beware the rubber chicken and the flour tortilla in the Land of Enchantment.
Richardson’s just hoping Kilmer will use a military satellite laser to fill his house with popcorn.
Mmmm. Butter.
Sounds like a great idea. Watch Real Genius! He can lead the hopeless to sexytime.
gurukalehuru: Also, some old song and dance man named Murphy. From CA. He was in the House of Reps and appeared on Carson one night. I was just in highschool, but I’ll never get the old guy sitting there rambling about Mommy or something and Carson saying, “Okay congressman. Let’s come on back.”
Oh, those wacky Republicans. Can’t live with ‘em, can live without ‘em.
The photo’s not fair. Fucking photographers following people around all the time. I only go swimming in the pool in my backyard, about a mile from the closest neighbor (or maybe it’s a 1/4 mile or 15 miles, that whole distance thing really confuses me). No one gives a shit about taking pictures of me unless it’s on Mother’s Day and I can’t stop them. He just got caught in the lens so fast he didn’t have time to suck in his gut.
After his performance in “Tombstone” I’d vote for him in a minute. As long as he was running as a Democrat of course.
Besides, I live with an old, out of shape guy. Wonder if Val spends his nights surfing porn on the internet and waiting for the pacemaker to be put in his chest, too. (Just hope the fake heart thingy doesn’t mean the old man’ll be interested in the real thing again. Shit.)
Salton Sea. But for D’Onfrio, not Iceman.
Custerwolf: …you are living in a Tom Robbins novel, aren’t you?…
frumious_bandersnatch: I used to share a town with him, once upon a time (LaConner, WA).
WIDTAP: Make that REVERSE cowgirl.
sanantonerose: Dammit Rose, now I can’t get the sound of ass against flabby gut out of my head.
Val, I can introduce you to the mortal closest to God.
“only Republicans can be actors”
John Wilkes Booth had as much effect on the presidency as almost any other actor, and he was definitely not a Republican.
Texans: doesn’t the white cowboy hat mean he’s hottt to trot? Or does it mean he’s married. Well, I guess same thing.
i would vote for him just for ‘kiss, kiss, bang, bang’.
of course, i would vote for robert downey jr in anything for anything by anything.
twice.
Bruno: means he’s an idiot with a major drinking problem
Itsjustme: Then I guess he’d better switch hats since he don’t drink.
Since I happen to reside in NM all this meaningful discussion is giving me something to think about. It might be cool to have Val as governor, especially considering his probable fondness for delicious tamales and gooey sopadillas.
I, for one, will be sad to see Bill “Beardy” Richardson played out on term limits. We’re gonna have to work twice as hard to get another one half as good
SaveTheBirds:: Who can do the the merengue.