Wonkette
When Mitt Romney nears an election of his — only four more years-ish! — he transforms into his super-funny lying clown alter ego, “Mittens,” who literally believes in nothing and will simply invent exquisite lies or make fun of Bob Dole if that’s what’s demanded of him in the very short term. He’s harmless and terrible. Now he is selling all of his residences, because having lots of houses was embarrassing for John McCain for about hmm, a week?, last year. Which house is he keeping? The summer vacation home in… New Hampshire, of course! Why he just woke up one morning and decided he wanted to “winter” in the summer home from now on! [Hotline]
so is he fondly embracing a constituent without actually touching her? come on, mittens, the color doesn’t rub off — you won’t make her white.
Does this mean he’s moving all his wives in under one roof? Sounds like asking for trouble if you ask me.
All the better for reminding his constituents that Mitt singlehandedly brought gay marriage to New England. You go, girl!
Is it 2012 yet? I’m dying to see Mittens rip Sarah Palin’s tongue out through her ass. And eat it.
this MUST happen again, one of my fondest moments from the last campaign was mitt speakin’ jive.
his underpants lose the fancy magic around “their kind,” which is why he’s extra careful to smile hard, you know, so as not to start any trouble or anything.
Yeah, everybody enjoyed last year’s presidential primaries and elections. They’re over. Can we now please refrain from mentioning New Hampshire and Iowa for, say, a couple of years (other than in non-primary contexts).
Or else I will puke.
the former governor is in the process of opening up the Lake Winnipesaukee house
“Weinie pee suckee?” LOLZ.
The Mormons granted Blacks conditional membership in the human race (I think it happened in 1978 or so), and it’s not hard to tell that Mittens isn’t quite comfortable with it yet.
I heard he’s buying a ski lodge in Iowa too.
Some think it’s all shameless politics, but I think he wants plural gay marriages.
Of course Mittens is going to win because tolerance of difference is a cornerstone principle of the GOP.
Does Mittens have a taste for dark meat?
Great - another MASSHOLE with his McMansion in New Hammy.
Mittens is a third generation aristocrat who will be destroyed by the plain talkin’ charmer from Wasilla.
I don’t think any of the brown folks will want to touch Mittens now that they have a shiny brown politician of their own (who isn’t also bat shit crazy–see Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, Alan Keyes, Michael Steele).
slappypaddy: That’s not actually a real hand, just a gag prop he brings along for photo ops with the coloreds.
He’s going to gay-marry David Souter. What? Mormons can have more than one husband, right?
Scarab: Word. That house will be packed to the rafters with all his new boy-wives.
I think the Republicans have embarked upon a canny strategy of winning elections by having all Democratic voters die of laughter. I mean, come on, Jindal, Palin, Romney, Huckabee, Walnuts, Newt, etc. Don’t they have ANY boring technocrats?
I wonder how well “baptizing all your dead relatives so they can get to the Celestial Kingdom” would work as a campaign pledge
Serolf Divad: I don’t know, but he’ll have to strap a few to the roof of his SUV to get them all up to New Hampshire.
Dave J.: Mittens was supposed to be the boring technocrat, being as how he is the Son of Rambler and a hedge fund zillionaire. And he looks boring. But when he talks, here comez the crazee!
Whoa, just had a scary thought… Snowbilly should marry Bristol off to a Romney boy — instant GOP power dynasty (or FAIL to the nth degree?). Of course, she is used goods now and they’re all married already, so she’d have to settle for like third wife or something.
Fair enough, but what mustard does he put on his acorns?
gurukalehuru: Really, just because Barry wasn’t stupid enough to choke & almost die while eating a pretzel (only to come to life after Bo tried to rip the pretzel from his mouth ala Barney), he’s all uppity. Hannity’s screeching about the Dijon is freaking hilarious.
That is the whitest damn shirt I have ever seen. It must employ some sort of new cybernetic fabric technology.
Min: It only seems white because…well, it’s surrounded by the people of color. Knowing Mitt, it’s probably a combination of ecru & egg shell.
Texan Bulldoggette: I dunno. I covered up all the people of color, and it was still pretty damn white.
He’s moving to his vacation house in New Hampshire? But What About Bob?
Mitt looks like Oreo filling in this picture.
Hopefully we’ll still be mired down in two or three wars in 2012, just so we can make fun of the fact that his strapping military-aged sons are a bunch of cowardly dandies riding around the country on a bus instead of getting their Mormonly hair shot off, just like last time. Hooray!
I don’t care where his home is, as long as the dog house is on the roof.
He can be proud that he got rich off exploiting his workers. He’s really got what it takes be the future of the GOP. I’m sure people will want to vote for a smarmy, fudge-packing douchebag. Mittens/Craig 2012!!!!!
It appears the dude to the far left has just spotted himself some ripe blonde pussy.
Texan Bulldoggette: I wonder how many complete and utter conservatives are getting annoyed by Hannity because everyone and their mother has a jar of dijon mustard in their fridge?
grevillea: There are always the younger girls. I think 12 or 14 is good-to-go for the Magic Underwear Cult. Old enough to cry afterwards, old enough to breed, or something like that.
Angry moderates are moderately angry and hoping (moderately) for some Romney/Jindal/DeMint action in the moderately distant future.
Mitt better hie to Kolob before the darkies give him one of them burning tire necklaces.
All of those Kenyans were baptized magically before Mittens left.
And New Hampshire being the first state to have a primary has absolutely nothing to do with it. He loves the changing colors. Just as he changes colors, from time to time.
AnnieGetYourFun: I must also be eeleetist because I have ketchup & catsup in my fridge.
gurukalehuru: If there’s a mustard on your acorn, don’t be alarmed now
It’s just spring clean for the Alaskan Queen?
I just bought German mustard from Whole Foods because I’m an elitist Nazi. And because it goes well with Tofurky fake brats. And helps grow my moobs.
I baptized Mitten’s grandparents (including ALL the grandmothers) in a secret ceremony in my bathtub. So they aren’t be able to go on the alienjesus spaceship to their new planet and fuck like bunnies, and are instead wandering the afterlife naked, stripped of their magicpanties and nobody will fuck them. And and and… the baptism was retroactive, so Mitt isn’t a Mormon anymore. And that’s why he had to give back all his man-wives and woman wives. And that’s why he has to sell all his houses and live in cold cold New Hampshire, without any magicpanties to keep him warm.
Next I’m going to reincarnate his roofdog so it can bite him on his cold, naked ass.
hobospacejunkie: I thought it correct in Texas to always place a proper pronoun after the verb “hie.”
E.g. singular: “Mit better hie him to kolob before the darkies give him one of them burning tire necklaces.”
Or the plural: “Ray Bob and Sue Anne better hie them to the licker store an’ git me sumthin’ else I ain’t takin’ them shootin’ armadilloes afore church.”
Why does Mittens hate white regular people?
Lascauxcaveman: That is funny. Unfortunately I have never lived in small town Texas and so haven’t learned proper dumbass grammar.
Reminds me of a joke I assume everyone’s heard & which isn’t funny: A Texas man goes to Harvard & on his first day on campus stops someone & asks “Can you tell me where the libarry’s at?” The someone he stopped instead says “You shouldn’t end a sentence with a preposition.” So the Texas man tries again. “Can you tell me where the libarry’s at, asshole?”
Scarab: Cross-county skiing, right? Not downhill, for sure.
hobospacejunkie: Actually, I did think that was a little funny.
Texan Bulldoggette: I would say thank you but it’s not my joke. And it is a little funny the first time you hear it. Maybe I’ve just told it too many times & assume that means everyone in the world must have heard it by now. Older extended family with no higher education think it’s hysterical.
hobospacejunkie: I think I’ve heard it a couple times, but I don’t really remember jokes very well. I think it’s funny because I know guys who would actually say that…I don’t know what that makes me but, hey, I do have a Masters!
hobospacejunkie: “Who ya callin’ a asshole, bo-ah?”
I mean to say, I’m happy to help you with your correct small-town gibberish any time. And I always liked that joke, too.
Custerwolf: Tonight’s red is a Tormaresca Neprica from Puglia. What’s our topic?
Texan Bulldoggette: You’re one up on me. I started grad school (history) but dropped out before achieving anything, apart from the opprobrium of my professors for hanging out with the armchair Marxists. Though to be fair I learned far more from the armchair Marxists than I did from classes.
Lascauxcaveman: Hie doesn’t have much usage in Texas. More approriate is to use ‘get’ as in:
“Mit better get himself (or hisself) to kolob before the darkies give him one of them burning tire necklaces.”
Or using the “fixing’ to”:
“Mit is fixin’ to get himself (or hisself) to kolob before the darkies gives him one of them burning tire necklaces.”
Mitt is betting that gay marriage is the trend that is sweeping the nation. His marriage to a gayez will empower a great coming out of most Republican Men and lead him to victory in ‘12!
Gotta love Guy Smiley. He wants to be all things to all people. Whatever way the wind blows, Romney blows. Boy, does he blow.
Even if his name sounds like a side order on a German menu.
His life would make a great FOX sitcom.
Morman Island
Oh! That’s my Mittens!
All my Children
Eh, maybe not.
I soooo can’t wait for the republican primaries to start. I’m predicting Romney and Huckabee will team up and make quick work of running Sarah P through the snowbilly headgrinder machine. Then, game fuckin ON!
Masshole paradigm. I hope the Laconia Bike Week makes him piss his magic undies for 40 days and 40 nights.
engulfedinflames: Mittens speaking jive makes me hope that Michael Steele is still the RNC chairman in 2012, just so I can hear him talking Mormon to Mittens and the Mittster rapping in return. The only people in the Republican party–who still own up to the label–who are genuine are the biggest loser wingnuts. Keepin’ it real for Republicans means cheering on hate crimes.
Scarab: “he wants plural gay marriages.”
This is a brilliant analysis. Kudos!
Wow, Mitt’s future is really blank.
http://mitt12.com/
http://www.mittreport.com/
http://utahnsformitt.blogspot.com/
AnnieGetYourFun: “has a jar of dijon mustard in their fridge?”
Even the local IGA in our OK town, population 2,000, has Grey Poupon on the shelf. If something can be purchased in rural OK it is, by definition, not elitist. Since the new state fair treat is the plain hot dog on plain bun, battered and deep fried (and not served on a stick) I can’t wait until this aristo dip shit shows up at the Iowa State Fair and is confronted with a Ripper, as I believe the new delicacy is called.
hobospacejunkie: It’s funnier if you make the yokel an okie in a cowboy hat. That’s how I heard it, from an okie. In a Royer for Mayor campaign office lo, these many years ago.
hobospacejunkie: “opprobrium”
Your stint in graduate school wasn’t a complete waste, since you learned a big word like that. And I’ve done it again–the old man cruises porn on the webtubes and I get on just before bed, read through all the comments in a thread that’s gone on all evening and comment on each and bam, 63 posts in a row from moi. It must be incredibly annoying to everyone else–oh, I take that back. Everyone else is drunk by now, so who’d know?
chascates:
Isn’t it “git?”
Dave J.: Lake Wausapumatee? Like from The Blues Brothers?
Is everyone living their real life in the webtubes? All weekend, I thought my daughter was checking her cell for messages from her husband. Today she friends me on facebook, and I read all this sappy shit she was sending from her phone to her facebook page.
Actually, it was so sentimental and sweet about spending some “low tech” time with the old folks (and constantly posting to the internets about it) that I wondered what the fuck family she was with last weekend. It sure as hell didn’t sound like us.
Which is to say, why is sitting here reading shit from a bunch of potty-mouthed losers so hypnotic and so much more entertaining than talking to real people? And has anyone ever caught themselves letting wonkeratti language slip into a perfectly innocent conversation? I mean, have you ever seen the look on women’s faces at United Methodist Women when you make a trucknutz comment? I was thrilled to hear proudgrandpa refer to his three year old grandchild. I realized shit, there’s more than one old fart out there reading wonkette. And suddenly, I didn’t feel so alone. And that, people, is the beauty and the magic of wonkette.com.
It’s my bedtime. Wonk without me and I’ll catch up tomorrow, with 77 comments in a row. And no more philosophy.
I can’t stand this asshat. why didn’t they cap him and take his money?
I really think if Mittens was really trying to prove he had balls, he wouldn’t stand in the midst of darkies and try to look comfortable, but he would go by his Mormon given name of Willard! Hey, Barack didn’t go by Barry! Republicans are wusses.
DustBowlBlues: You said “potty-mouthed”
V572625694: Whew! - sorry, I just got back from the translator’s office where I found out that sentence has something to do with wine and not sexual positions.
I gotta sit down.
I think if the villagers touched his devil hair they would find it sticky with “mousse”
Lascauxcaveman: While we’re discussing Texican grammar, I think the proper term for “him” in this sentence should be “hisself.”
DustBowlBlues: “Today she friends me on facebook…”
Dusty, I would friend you on Facebook but I think we’re all too embarrassed to give each other our real names!
Who, Who Who!
DustBowlBlues: Report to Carousel.
Good to see Mitt ramping up to the launch of another failed campaign.
mittens, my favorite animatronic reagan. he looks so real!
DustBowlBlues: Yes, normal people in real world conversations do get a strange look on their face when I lapse into the ironically hyper-violent, exxagerated, histrionic, and deliberately foul foul foul foul foul language that here is considered just a sign of a chipper, friendly mood. Yup, people are startled by the random “fucktard” and “pigfucking schlong-gobbling douchesack.”
Dave J.: Lake Winnipesaukee
Christ on a cracker, kids today.
Moe: “Where were you born?”
Curly: “I don’t remember, I was very young at the time”
Moe: “WHERE WERE YOU BORN?”
Curly: “Lake Winnipesaukee”
Moe:”Lake Winna - what? Spell that”
Curly: “W-O Woof! Make it Lake Erie, I got an uncle there”
Moe: “How many children?”
Curly: “Well pal, I’ll tell ya. I was one of a litter of three, and I was the one they kept”
- No Census, No Feeling
Prommie: We are the After School Tourettes Club. Let’s get our own T-shirt made! We could have a bake sale; sell some fucking cupcakes to raise money.
Lascauxcaveman: Fuck yeah. Fucking fat pigfuckers fucking loves them their cupcakes, lets make sure to use lard! And after we bake them, we can batter and deep-fry them. In lard.
Texan Bulldoggette: “Dusty, I would friend you on Facebook but I think we’re all too embarrassed to give each other our real names!”
Yeah, I noticed Layne was smart enough not to offer a “real email” function to we can hunt each other down and scream obscenities on our facebook pages and get tossed off FB and embarrass our children. Ken’s smart that way, always thinking ahead. How many careers could this destroy? Hell, I might get excommunicated from the UM church, and we don’t even do that shit, if anyone knew the stories I share about United Methodist. Don’t get even get me started on the old ladies who make meat-laced gelatin salads. Who the fuck ever thought of putting ground ham and tiny diced boiled potatoes in jello, for fucks’s sake. Maybe it’s something they during the depression.
And yeah, fuck, I said potty mouthed. Anyone got a better term for the wonkeratti?