Wonkette
You have probably heard by now about this “John Edwards” character, who constructed his own vulgarian Monticello out of dirt, mirrors, and his own crippling self-regard out in a mud-patch in North Carolina. He also ran for president, twice, but nobody wanted to elect him because he was such an awful reptilian phony. THEN it came out he was fucking some dreadful hippie on the 2008 campaign trail, which made his wife vomit when she heard about it, and the reason you haven’t seen that last bit mentioned on your Wonkette is that we honestly find the whole episode just that distasteful. But this we can get behind: possible misappropriation of campaign funds!
Basically, the Edwards campaign was kept afloat not only by donations from private citizens and official campaign organizations, but also from nonprofits. These nonprofits do not have to abide by the same reporting rules as official organizations, and it can be hard to figure out who has donated to them and what their money was spent on.
And this is the question for Edwards: whether the not-so-transparent financial entities that supported his campaign also financed the travels of Rielle Hunter, the dumb crystal-worshipper whom he hired to make videos of him (when he wasn’t busy conducting his lurid sex affair with her). Why this would be illegal or improper when Hunter was in fact contracted to do an actual job, and not just hired to UGH “bone him,” is a mystery. Maybe because she shouldn’t have been hired in the first place? Ah, who knows.
Anyway, federal investigators are looking into the Edwards campaign’s finances, and they probably won’t find anything because Edwards is a LAWYER, for crying out loud, so he knows how to hide money. Maybe they are just doing it to be dicks!
The best part of the story is how Edwards secured a $3.5 million donation from a wealthy 98-year-old widow named Bunny, which squares pretty well with anecdotal evidence that the whole Edwards campaign was kept afloat by contributions from googly-eyed older women who found him charming.
Feds are looking at Edwards’ campaign [Charlotte Observer]
For 100k he could have fucked a reasonable looking hoooker 200 times instead of a washed up cougar. That kind of decision making is not presidential.
Get me his hair’s agent immediately!
“Lisa Druck” really isn’t a bad name, but if you really hate your name, whatever it is, you could do much better than changing it to something as phony-sounding as “Rielle Hunter.” I mean Jesus, you might as well pick “Sasha” or “Rio” or some other awful, fakey moniker. It’s probably less painful than having “I am a pathetic flake” tattooed on your bicep, but still.
Time for Poverty Tour 09 - this time, it’s personal.
Thank the good Lord that his father, the mill, was not here to see this day.
Confession: I sent $50 to Edwards after his wife phoned Ann Coulter during some show and called her a vicious lying cunt. I think Elizabeth phrased it slightly differently but I felt a show of appreciation was in order.
“…and the reason you haven’t seen that last bit mentioned on your Wonkette is that we honestly find the whole episode just that distasteful.”
Imagine my surprise when I found out that something is too low for even Wonkette to snark about. Someone alert David Denby!
“the reason you haven’t seen that last bit mentioned on your Wonkette is that we honestly find the whole episode just that distasteful”
Wonkette has limits? WTF? As I told a (former) friend, if you can’t joke about raping paraplegic mentally retarded children, what can you laugh at?
It was when her invoice showed up and said “Services Rendered” that sent off the alarm bells. Also her expense account showed some hotel porno movies.
Fucking a mule is one thing, but fucking a person of the opposite sex is distasteful.
If I were running a big campaign, I’d spend all my money on expensive hookers, and make sure it’s on tape. Yeah, I’d probably lose the election, despite my ruthless honesty about fucking some whores, but at least I’d have gotten to put my penis in high-class professional women, repeatedly, and really, isn’t that what America is all about?
You know, I don’t feel bad for Mrs. Edwards at all. She’s now ho’ing herself out with her new sympathy book, once again proving any publicity is good publicity.
bu++secks or GTFO.
Ted Kennedy Breakdancing: Alternatively, one first class tixxx to Bangkok and about 2,000 fucks.
Alt-alt text: Is there any cum in my hair?
CorkPopper: Heh… I sent $100. I also used to have a John Edwards bumper sticker on my car, but peeled it off long ago for my Barack Obama sticker, even before I found out he was chasing after that flakey new-ager with the great ass.
I also have a Deval Patrick sticker on my car, and I’m thinking of removing that thing, too.
Larry McAwful: Right on, Rielle Hunter is totally a porn name
Bruno: How else is she going to afford all the carbon credits for that big-ass house?
Would Wonkette still have found the “whole episode just that distasteful” if it had involved the buttsecks?
Come here a minute: “Fucking a mule is one thing, but fucking a person of the opposite sex is distasteful”
And it apparently wasn’t the buttsecks given the wee little one that spurted out of her 9 months later
“the whole Edwards campaign was kept afloat by contributions from googly-eyed older women who found him charming.”
and silky!
NOW who will be the voice of the Lizard People?
I must have missed the day in law school where they taught us how to hide money.
Of course, I have no money to hide, so if there were any day to miss, that would be the one.
Naked Bunny with a Whip: Hookers and drugs.’Cause it’s the american way.
rambone: . . . if you can’t joke about raping paraplegic mentally retarded children, what can you laugh at?
“The Wasilla Snowbillys,” Sundays this fall on Fox, or try the “Desperate Housewives” rip-off “The Cougars” on the CW. Don’t let the TV fall on you!
I’m sure the Great Orange Satan’s favorite candidate will be cleared of these scurrilous charges.
Bruno: Ehhh, I don’t think it is easy to make the jump from fucking 45 year old women to 7 year old boys.
Wait, is (active-voice) “boning” an activity that ladiez can do to fellas*? I thought it only worked the other way around. Can I get a ruling?
*Without, ya know, a strap-on or something.
Elizabeth Edwards + Rielle Hunter = 2 Americas.
“Did Edwards Use Campaign Bucks For Sex Cover-Up?” This is a rhetorical question, right? It’s like “Does the Pope shit in the woods?”, I think.
PerhapsSo: I also missed that class. I bet it was a good one.
“This may be a bit like looking for a needle in a haystack…”
That’s what she said!
Oh, wait, I think I’m doing it wrong.
Larry McAwful: Lisa/Rielle had a great ass? Photographic evidence, please! (How I could I have been so inattentive?)
SmutBoffin: I hate the word “bone.” Women do not bone dudes. We fuck them. That’s just my own personal opinion.
Bruno: “She’s now ho’ing herself out with her new sympathy book”
Well, to be a little more charitable about it, I think she’s trying to make some income to make sure her kids will be okay after she dies. I mean it’s not like John has a lot of job opportunities lined up other than ambulance chasing or hawking hair care products.
Who’s this “John Edwards” guy everyone keeps talking about?
Why is he infamous?
Can we just fast forward to the future when banging a groupie just upsets the only the most sanctimonious assholes in the country?
If John Edwards wasn’t such a ‘faggot’ he’d shave that head clean, grow a patch of hair on his chin and hit the gym everyday like all my friends in West Hollywood.
“Faggot” is the same thing as a “bassoon” in one of the European languages. Also.
He is such a sharp lawyer that he allowed his $400 haircut to show up on his campaign finance report.
So, not so much.
I’d love to hate him, but the fact is he’s not all bad. He manned a law suit and defeated a pool pump company who didn’t care that their product sucked the intestines out of a little girl who was too poor to sue or to get health care. Not exactly ambulance chasing; more like public service.
He does love his a hair a bit too much, but when he endowed some help for disadvantaged school kids he named it in memory of his son, not himself.
His wife’s the smarter of the two, and the one with deep character. A pity she didn’t run for president. I might have voted for her.
From the description of Muffy or Bunny or whatever the fuck the rich old lady’s nickname was, if John Edwards can sing, I think it’s perfect for a new career: Play Max Bialistock (sp) in dinner theater productions of The Producers.
Call me naive, but snark and irony aside, this one hurts.
V572625694: You would not believe the amount of work I had to skip doing here in the office just to find the picture I dream about occasionally! But it was worth it! Now I’ll know better and save a copy for myself, too! Here it is!
http://cache.gawker.com/assets/images/valleywag/2008/08/ohmygod-becky-rielle-hunter-has-got-back.jpg
That’s Lielle Drunter holding the camera, wearing the weird black thing on her head. Enjoy!
Before she dies, if she has not done so already, Bunny needs to contribute to the campaign of Neal Horsley. John can volunteer to do Neal’s hair Elvis-style, which would go nicely with the guitar and be more attractive to his mule, too. We need to pay the mule hush money before it writes a book exposing its human-fucking fetish.
http://ideas.rebuildtheparty.com/pages/5641-general/suggestions/179880-fight-to-elect-neal-horsley.
SmutBoffin: Yes. Please reference Ann Coulter.
http://www.nypost.com/pagesixmag/issues/20080824/images/buzz/discuss/1.jpg
Camilla?
John boy is an adulterous pandering hack, but at least he just fucked a mistress. Not, you know, a boy page, or the country.
Why is covering up your affair with a pathetic hippie not a legitimate campaign expense? Srsly, that seems like a pretty essential task for the campaign to succeed. Is this really any different than a campaign trying manage a candidates crappy voting record, shady business deals, or history of dog torture (looking at you, Romney)?
Texan Bulldoggette: Amen. The guy’s a putz, peer-ee-ud. How hard is it to keep your goddamned dick in your pants when you’ve got that much to lose and that many people to hurt? And also, fuck that bitch Drunt. Cold-cock her.
Ted Kennedy Breakdancing: Cougar? She’s 10+ years younger than him.
It’s funny, my wife only throws up when I have sex with her.
Ted Kennedy Breakdancing: How washed up could she have been if she was still able to breed? Sorry but he just thought he could get away with it, and probably didn’t want a case of bed bugs from some Trinidadian ladyboy, which is currently all he can afford.
Madeline: yes, but he’s the only person she is ten years younger than. many other fair young game for the pouncing!
answerbird: My wife throws up when I present her with my bill for “Services Rendered.”
WIDTAP: MICROPHALLUSES DON’T COUNT
The first time I knew that finding out about your lover’s infidelity can make a person vomit was watching that scene in “Dumb and Dumber.” I was all, ‘what’s he doing what’s he doing?’ And then my friends explained it to me. It really can happen.
I’m all choked up that Wonkette finally found SOME subject that was “just that distasteful” — too distasteful to dwell upon!! Never thought I’d see the day.
Just a thought — Maybe Rielle Hunter made some videos “with” John Edwards that we didn’t see during the campaign, know what I mean? Maybe someone knows where those videos are and how to get them?
answerbird: !!!!!!!!
Capricatony: C’mon hell is too good for him, he made his personable wife throw up before she ever went on chemo. Well, personable unless you’re Jello Biafra.
RoscoePColtraine: I’m not monogamous by nature, but since that seems to be the preferred societal arrangement, I live with it. If Edward’s can’t manage to do the same, he’s a pussy. That’s all. And I’d like to kick her in the cunt. If you want to fuck someone that bad, John - divorce you’re fucking wife and take the consequences you weasely little pecker.
Name Pun Phenh: And yet they shared the same penis. This is what I luv our country.
S.Luggo: “why”.
Anyway, I was talking about France.
Mr Blifil: I think it’s Tipper Gore that Jello has such a hard-on for, not Elizabeth.
That’s what happens when you go to Newt Gingrich for relationship advice.
“Why this would be illegal or improper when Hunter was in fact contracted to do an actual job, and not just hired to UGH “bone him,” is a mystery”
I guess what I’d tend to wonder, and what I never got a clear answer on, is (1) did Rielle Hunter ever actually do that job– i.e., did she produce the documentary footage she was ostensibly being hired to create and did the campaign actually use or intend to use that footage or did it just go in the trash can as soon as she handed it in, and (2) was the amount she was paid for this documentary work in keeping with what one would normally be paid for such work? I heard claims that the answer to (2) was “no, her rates were inflated” but never saw these claims backed up.
Larry McAwful: Meh. Knowing full well that the camera adds 20 pounds, I hereby declare your Ms. Lisa Druck “too skinny.”
_________
SlipperyDick: He manned a law suit and defeated a pool pump company who didn’t care that their product sucked the intestines out of a little girl
Even the greediest ambulance chaser finds a worthwhile suit every now and again, distasteful as it may be to them, as it requires actual court work, not just a nice quick out-of-court settlement (bribe to go away).
Hey, can you guess I’ve been the victim of a nuisance suit?
Kingbee: Maybe Rielle Hunter made some videos “with” John Edwards that we didn’t see during the campaign, know what I mean? Maybe someone knows where those videos are and how to get them?
Something else that is too distasteful to even imagine?
…and the reason you haven’t seen [Mrs. Edwards' vomit] mentioned on your Wonkette is that we honestly find the whole episode just that distasteful.
Wonkette editors had their taste buds shot off in the war a long time ago. How could they possibly find anything “distasteful”?
CorkPopper: I heard Elizabeth say the same thing, but I only sent $10. Oh, that was fun.
Texan Bulldoggette: OK, I may have gone overboard there.
I just think anyone in this PR racket is like Jade these days (I swore I wouldn’t believe she didn’t have cancer until she actually died from it), given her prior history of PR manipulation and lies. I was wrong (about the cancer part) the rest of her is still repulsive.
Lascauxcaveman: I never think about the cameras, so you’re probably right. That’s probably why I think Gwyneth Paltrow looks good in movies, but once I actually saw her in person and I was utterly freaked out by how scrawny she was.
Moral: bring back radio.
I think it’s gross. I also heard that Janet Jackson’s “wardrobe malfunction” was still relevant today too.
SlipperyDick: I hate him enough for both of us, so you’re fine.
Mr Blifil: How washed up could she have been if she was still able to breed?
Although I see the confusion (as women who ain’t fit for breedin’, aint fit for livin’), “washed-up” may have been in reference to a woman her age being willing to suck, fuck and get knocked up by a married man with two young kids, a wife with cancer and Presidential campaign.
He could have meant the functioning uterus thing, though, I dunno…
John Edwards is Max Bialystock.
Why doesn’t he just take sex holidays in Bangkok or Angeles City?(Not DR, he might run into Limpbowel.)
Zhu Bajie