NIGHT OF THE PIG-BIRD FLU  9:04 pm April 25, 2009

by Ken Layne

'The doctor is in, and he'll see you now, and he don't care *who* you are ....'HELP US DR. SANJAY: “And then, as so many Americans do when they are frightened, I turned to the cable news. And I waited for the comforting words from Dr. Sanjay Gupta.” [AOL Political Machine]

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Dorje Chenmo April 25, 2009 at 9:14 pm

Turn my head and cough? Sure, Dr. Gupta.

WadISay April 25, 2009 at 9:59 pm

If this was a movie, it would be Babe meets The Andromeda Strain.

Joshua Norton April 25, 2009 at 10:01 pm

Pig-Bird Flu? Sounds like something Tippi Hedren got from Alfred Hitchcock.


WABishop April 25, 2009 at 10:23 pm

I think he peaked with “Sixth Sense”.

Gallowglass April 25, 2009 at 10:28 pm

Help us Dr. Sanjay Gupta, you’re our only hope.

Mr Mxyzptlk April 25, 2009 at 10:33 pm

It will take a Mexican like Dr Gupta to fight this Mexican flu. He’ll know what to do.

smashtheduck April 25, 2009 at 10:34 pm

I hear it’s spread by lipstick.

villageatrois April 25, 2009 at 10:35 pm

If this influenza was engineered at Fort Detrick, Gupta will be glad to only be reporting on it. And he’d best do that very carefully; viz., not reporting anything he finds out.

rambone April 25, 2009 at 10:35 pm

I stopped taking advice from Gupta after that time he got “lost” for 2 hours driving me home in his cab from the airport.

chascates April 25, 2009 at 10:59 pm


Bruno April 25, 2009 at 10:59 pm

Why does Dr. Sanjay hate volcano monitoring and other forms of stimulus?

Bruno April 25, 2009 at 11:03 pm

Knowing the AOL commenters, and given there is a doctor in the house, I am expecting to see lots of uploads of obscure rashes, 6th fingers and tick bites requiring free advice.

jasper-f-krone April 25, 2009 at 11:03 pm

perhaps Sanjay could explain to Kyra Phillips what “swine flu” is. The BathRoomPrompTer told her to say that she didn’t know.

nyhfrog April 25, 2009 at 11:09 pm


Time to get drunk.

Come here a minute April 25, 2009 at 11:11 pm

Nice Zevon alt-text!

Don’t let us get sick, don’t let us get ill.

Scandalabra April 25, 2009 at 11:28 pm

I’m still working on the syllabus for my graduate level offering on “The Subtle Yet Pervasive Use of Beatles Imagery and References in Middle-Period Ken Layne Commentary”. This post should help me garner some faculty cred.

Custerwolf April 26, 2009 at 12:22 am

[re=299831]Mr Mxyzptlk[/re]: Excuse me, but Gupta is NOT Mexican. Sheesh. For your information, he’s not Mexican, he’s Japanese, because only japs are smart enough to know about germs and stuff. God.

joeybrill April 26, 2009 at 12:40 am

His teeth are so sparkly white and his hair is adorable. If he – acting as a truly professional Surgeon General – told me to masturbate, I’d totally do it!

Custerwolf April 26, 2009 at 12:48 am

Here’s my new “Keep Off My Property” sign.

sanantonerose April 26, 2009 at 1:03 am

[re=299817]WadISay[/re]: I’d go see that movie. But only if James Cromwell is in it.

hobospacejunkie April 26, 2009 at 1:05 am

[re=299938]Custerwolf[/re]: Why do you make your pigs so fat they can’t even get up? That seems a bit cruel, if you ask this (homo pinko commie queer) vegetarian. Or maybe your dog morphed into that pig which means your dog is really the‚ĶChupacabra!!!

Custerwolf April 26, 2009 at 1:16 am

[re=299950]hobospacejunkie[/re]: AGHHH!!! Sshhhh! Don’t say that word in front of Wilbur. He’s very self-conscious about his weight. He’s actually lost quite a bit since that pic was taken. When we got him neutered the vet said he was 10 over. Doesn’t he look a bit trimmer here?

Custerwolf April 26, 2009 at 1:24 am

[re=299952]Custerwolf[/re]: And the first person who says “I thought pigs were supposed to GAIN weight, will have their eyes gouged out with Wilbur’s one tusk.
You’ve been warned.

hobospacejunkie April 26, 2009 at 1:51 am

[re=299952]Custerwolf[/re]: Oh yeah, Wilbur almost looks like another pig in that pic. I almost didn’t recognize him he is so fit & trim now.

Why one tusk? Was that also part of the neutering? Chop off the balls & remove one tusk?

SayItWithWookies April 26, 2009 at 4:34 am

[re=299955]Custerwolf[/re]: I wasn’t going to say that. I was going to say, “He looks like he’s about to eat the goat.” But — oh, crap.

Also, forget Sanjay Gupta. I say we get the sorta-funny-looking-but-in-a-hot-way redheaded eye doctor who does the Restasis commercials.

Scandinavian Fetus April 26, 2009 at 9:04 am

Joan Rivers has gone too far this time.

Is this supposed to be a Public Service Message for Botox?

ManchuCandidate April 26, 2009 at 1:00 pm

I hope that Dr Sanjay is better at calming fears than he is with numbers.

Custerwolf April 26, 2009 at 1:17 pm

[re=299965]hobospacejunkie[/re]: They actually sawed both his tusks off when he was under anesthesia, and only one grew back.

And here’s a sunday kitty pic for you:

Go Figure April 26, 2009 at 1:53 pm

All those years we made those “when pigs can fly” jokes & references….
now the Swine flew…. it’s karma I tell you.

Custerwolf April 26, 2009 at 1:58 pm

And speaking of neutering…DO NOT look at this first pic if you are at all squeamish. Srsly.

Kobuk showing his displeasure afterwards:

MortSinclair April 26, 2009 at 2:00 pm

Hey, I wanna know who that pig’s orthodontist is! Damn, that piggy’s teef look good!

Custerwolf April 26, 2009 at 2:01 pm

[re=300069]Custerwolf[/re]: That emasculator my vet is using is affectionally called ‘The Coulter.’

Min April 26, 2009 at 3:17 pm

I dunno about swine flu, but that creepy pig picture is making me slightly ill.

MGBYG April 26, 2009 at 6:02 pm

“Ann’es Adms Apple10:54PMApr 25th 2009


All right, fuss up. Who here did this to poor Ken’s AOL crank?

AKAM80TheWolf April 26, 2009 at 7:49 pm


It’s a weapon of mass destruction. Get in the car!

kapish April 26, 2009 at 9:46 pm

My own guru, Six-Pack Chakra, says that pigs cannot fly in alcohol.

Deepthroat April 27, 2009 at 10:02 am

Only is Dr. 90210 is unavailable.

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