CHILDREN'S GAMES  3:16 pm April 14, 2009

Fuck, Marry, Kill: “First Daughter, First Love” Edition!

by Juli Weiner

Gather ye rosebuds, everyone, it is time to play a game! It is the popular children’s schoolyard game of “Fuck, Marry, Kill.” Oh yes. We’ll be considering three different zeitgeist-y people each week and dissecting their merits by applying to their persons one of the given Verbs. Those are, just to re-cap, Fuck, Marry and Kill—if you need to write this down, please grab a pen and paper now because the pace of play is just going to increase from here. It is fairly self-explanatory but there are important rules that are absolutely crucial to establish right now, before anyone gets emotionally involved.

  • Ultimate FMK Rule: if you Marry someone, that means that you don’t get to have sex with them. Otherwise, there would be such low stakes in choosing whether you would prefer to Fuck or Marry them. We have to preserve the stakes.
  • Penultimate FMK Rule: if you Fuck someone, that means once.  (See “Ultimate FMK Rule” for basic rationale.)
  • Antepenultimate FMK Rule: NO CHEATING/BE HONEST.  Ah, love, let us be true/To one another!

Ready? Me too.

Ok: so who’s in the news this week? Meghan McCain and her nascent Daily Beast column novella thing, First Daughter, First Love. Great, let’s Fuck, Marry, and Kill the fictional characters in that. Our options, ladies and gentlemen:

“Meg McCabe”: This is the protagonist—or “character who is the most important because she’s the prettiest but also the smartest,” in the probable words of Trip Brophy, in explaining the term to his client Meghan—of First Daughter, First Love. Meg McCabe’s epithet is “beautiful, young”, and literally every time Meg McCabe is spoken about in the third person within the book, she is referred to as “beautiful, young Meg McCabe.” It’s a Homeric stratagem, or, in the immortal probable words of Trip Brohpy, “No, not gay. Uh. Like, old-like.” Anyway, Meg McCabe is an heiress (points for Marry), a published author in her early twenties (Meg McCabe is also writing a book within First Daughter, First Love also called, improbably, First Daughter, First Love).

“Evelyn Waugh”: In Chapter 15 of First Daughter, First Love (the Circe chapter), Meg McCabe takes a yellow taxicab to a building that looks like a cloud. This is the home of Evelyn Waugh, a British lady dispatched by the Queen of England herself to convince Meg McCabe to publish First Daughter, First Love (still at the meta level here), on Evelyn Waugh’s internet blog, which is called The New Yorker. Evelyn Waugh is so pretty, what with her living in a cloud, but she is also nice! She lets beautiful, young Meg McCabe publish a serialization of First Daughter, First Love and promises not to change a word behind her back, or “edit,” as it’s known around Trip Brophy’s liquor cabinet. Evelyn Waugh will let anyone do whatever they want at any time.

“Aaron Skatesman”: Dumb Aaron Skatesman is the antagonist of First Daughter, First Love because that’s what he does: antagonize beautiful, young Meg McCabe with his demands for constant attention. Aaron Skatesman is the boyfriend of the daughter of someone Meg’s dad works with and that is it. He’s not a published author like Meg, nor does he live in a wispy sky castle-on-Hudson like Evelyn Waugh. And, spoiler alert: he cannot really fuck or marry properly, either.

Consensus: Marry Meg McCabe, Fuck Evelyn Waugh, Kill Aaron Skatesman.

Et tu, commenters?

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norbizness April 14, 2009 at 3:22 pm

Can we banish this incipient series of posts back to the Tween Forum Phantom Zone before it metastasizes?

Lazy Media April 14, 2009 at 3:22 pm

Totes Fuck Meg McCabe, Marry Evelyn Waugh, and Kill ol’ whatsisname. McCabe’s cute, but useless, and Evelyn has enough money that I won’t have to work.

krinkle bearcat palin April 14, 2009 at 3:24 pm

fuck meg mcCabe fuck evelyn waugh and fuck aaron saketesman

TGY April 14, 2009 at 3:25 pm

Hah, you with your ‘antepenultimate’ and ‘penultimate’! You…you classicist!.

Seriously, no sex with Marriage? That’s too real for me. I’m out.

gurukalehuru April 14, 2009 at 3:25 pm


prizepig April 14, 2009 at 3:26 pm

Easy. fuck Sara, marry Jim, kill Ken.

slappypaddy April 14, 2009 at 3:26 pm

Oh, clearly the one to marry is Evelyn. She’ll let me do whatever I want whenever I want? And she’s pretty and nice? The perfect wife, my friends! Then Meg is for fucks, without a doubt. I don’t get ‘em that young anymore unless I pay cash. And yeah, Aaron is still clearly the one to kill. Nothing personal… much.

Am I playing right? I’m new in this town.

gurukalehuru April 14, 2009 at 3:29 pm

There is a flaw in the game. Given the wrong set of candidates, it would be easy for the comments thread to become indistinguishable from a support group for a largely southern, all white, all male group that has a thing for white hoods.

problemwithcaring April 14, 2009 at 3:30 pm

FFF…hey, I’ve been in a bit a a dry spell….

shanemacgowan April 14, 2009 at 3:33 pm

Take naked pictures of Meg McCabe, which I will drunkenly show off to my equally drunken college friends before selling to TMZ. Then Kill, Kill.

Tommy Says Soooo, Jugdish! April 14, 2009 at 3:36 pm

Michelle, Sarah, Dana….in the words of the poet, I don’t have enough jam.

x111e7thst April 14, 2009 at 3:37 pm

Fuck them all. Let god sort them out.

facehead April 14, 2009 at 3:37 pm

Fuck Circe, Marry Penelope, Kill all the suitors.

[re=289074]prizepig[/re]: winner.

Atheist Nun April 14, 2009 at 3:38 pm

OK, “Meg McCabe” has the trust fund/pending inheritance… Marry her, right, and then skullfuck the others, that takes care of the killin’ and the fuckin’ in one fell swoop.

ihasasad April 14, 2009 at 3:38 pm

No no no no no nononoonononononono….
Fuck Meg McCabe, Marry Evelyn Waugh, Kill Aaron Skatesman.
Because because because because…shhhhh….because
EVELYN WAUGH will let you do anything you want! You can marry her and DO WHAT EVER YOU WANT. And, also you can only fuck Meg McCabe once and you know that’s all you’re gonna really wanna do it…it’s all about the mystique! We’ll be soooooo over her after the first time.

TGY April 14, 2009 at 3:40 pm

[re=289092]Tommy Says Soooo, Jugdish![/re]: That must’ve been the same poet who wrote: “My life is like a tent, poled in the middle with my love for you.” Poets these days.

lampadadog April 14, 2009 at 3:40 pm

The merits of this game being tenuous, this was not a good choice of subject matter for the launch. That being said, my name is Evelyn Waugh and I appreciate your support.

Terry April 14, 2009 at 3:41 pm

You played this game back in the school yard? Cripes hanna, what kind of school did you go to? At mine, we had a jungle gym and a few kickballs.

tcb April 14, 2009 at 3:42 pm

Can we introduce a preantepenultimate rule that says I can kill them all?

Gopherit April 14, 2009 at 3:43 pm

This is much more difficult with fox commenters: O’Reilly, Hannity, Beck: Go!

Hart88 April 14, 2009 at 3:44 pm

Can’t we just kill them all?

wonderboom April 14, 2009 at 3:44 pm

Dual residency in Utah and Mass., marry Meg (for the money) and Aaron (cuz it’s tough being a straight liberal and NOT trying this whole new gay marriage thing… this way, I can bask in the victory w/out all the anal secks,) fuck, then kill, Evelyn.

Kilgore Trout April 14, 2009 at 3:44 pm

Is poopin on Meg McCain an option?

Tommy Says Soooo, Jugdish! April 14, 2009 at 3:44 pm

[re=289099]TGY[/re]: I like it, but mine sang backup on “You’re So Vain” which seems appropriate. Plus he got Keef to stay alive long enough to play Johnny Depp’s daddy.

The Lucky Republican April 14, 2009 at 3:45 pm

I’ll let the chips fall where they may as long as I don’t have to look anyone in the face.

Delicious April 14, 2009 at 3:47 pm

The last time I heard this game was years ago on Howard Stern.

Now can we have Wonkette’s Butt Bongo Fiesta?

lampadadog April 14, 2009 at 3:48 pm

[re=289106]Gopherit[/re]: You’re right, FOX commenters are more difficult. I can barely bring myself to say this, but FMK: O’Reilly, Beck, Hannity.

shanemacgowan April 14, 2009 at 3:48 pm

[re=289074]prizepig[/re]: [re=289082]problemwithcaring[/re]: [re=289093]x111e7thst[/re]: [re=289094]facehead[/re]: [re=289101]Terry[/re]: Wins.

justshocking April 14, 2009 at 3:51 pm

Ah, “Fuck, Marry, Kill.” The last time I played this, at a yuppie-ish bar with co-workers (with other co-workers as the objects), one of my coworkers got so drunk that he fell out of his seat and urinated on himself. Last time I saw him, he was running through the park, having left his flip-flops and iphone behind.

I love “fuck, marry, kill.”

Noodle Salad April 14, 2009 at 3:51 pm

I prefer the GOP Version: Teabag, Tax cut, or Truck Nutz. And the right answer is always Teabags, Tax Cuts, and Truck Nutz for all.

Min April 14, 2009 at 3:51 pm

I’d rather fuck Daniel Craig, thank you very much.

Mr Blifil April 14, 2009 at 3:54 pm

Fuck shorts, marry shorts, kill shorts.

bitchincamaro April 14, 2009 at 3:56 pm

Fuck, I’m married, so kill me.

WadISay April 14, 2009 at 3:57 pm

Can you both marry and kill? Like in real life?

S.Luggo April 14, 2009 at 3:59 pm

[re=289074]prizepig[/re]: Win.
[re=289133]bitchincamaro[/re]: Win.

S.Luggo April 14, 2009 at 4:00 pm

Fuck Sebastian, Marry Julia, Kill Rex

Fear of a Black Reagan April 14, 2009 at 4:00 pm

Fuck Levi Johnston, Marry Teabagz, Kill Daniel Craig.

mdotsota April 14, 2009 at 4:00 pm

I just want to say you Wonktards are going to get me fired from my job (digging ditches for BIG GUBMINT) for laughing so hard @ this. Well done Juli.

Zadig April 14, 2009 at 4:00 pm

Fuck McCabe, Marry Waugh, ritually slaughter fake Levi.

pondscum April 14, 2009 at 4:01 pm

[re=289133]bitchincamaro[/re]: Amen, sister.

Tommy Says Soooo, Jugdish! April 14, 2009 at 4:01 pm

[re=289133]bitchincamaro[/re]: +1

WendyK April 14, 2009 at 4:03 pm

When did Evelyn Waugh become female?

MyEvilTwin April 14, 2009 at 4:05 pm

This is made all the more funny given that in real life, Evelyn Waugh was a dude.

bostonpreparty April 14, 2009 at 4:06 pm

Sebastian, Julia, Nazis

Bearbloke April 14, 2009 at 4:06 pm

Kill, fuck, eat?

Tommy Says Soooo, Jugdish! April 14, 2009 at 4:09 pm

Hump Kim Possible, marry the E-surance chick, kill Grandpa Simpson.

Mustang April 14, 2009 at 4:10 pm

[re=289154]WendyK[/re]: I think it’s a different one, but I can’t understand this game anyway.

EcceNerdo April 14, 2009 at 4:11 pm

I always played “Fuck, Chuck, or Marry”. I guess it’s a +1 for rhyme scheme, -1 on blood lust.

SayItWithWookies April 14, 2009 at 4:11 pm

Sorry, I voted “Kill” when I ran across the words “emotionally involved.” Did I miss anything?

jagorev April 14, 2009 at 4:13 pm

Okay, I’d fuck Evelyn Waugh, who was actually a rather handsome man.


bitchincamaro April 14, 2009 at 4:13 pm

[re=289149]pondscum[/re]: It’s brother, so kill me twice as hard.

Lazy Media April 14, 2009 at 4:13 pm

Fuck Trig, Marry Bristol, Kill Sara. The Aristocrats!

smashtheduck April 14, 2009 at 4:14 pm

A teabag spoof that actually made me laugh.

MargeSimpsonsBlackFriend April 14, 2009 at 4:15 pm

Wait, is “KILL THEM ALL” an option? If so, that’s what I choose.

Hooray For Anything April 14, 2009 at 4:15 pm

[re=289094]facehead[/re]: bravo

KittyLitter April 14, 2009 at 4:17 pm

Fuck Aaron (cuz I’m gay doncha know?), kill Evelyn (who the hell lives in a cloud?) and marry Meg. Cuz when you fuck or kill someone they only suffer for five minutes, but if you marry them you get to torture them until they pray for the sweet release of death.

Lazy Media April 14, 2009 at 4:17 pm

[re=289154]WendyK[/re]: [re=289168]jagorev[/re]: Class, distinguish between these satiric forms: irony, surrealism and sardonic humor.

Godot April 14, 2009 at 4:17 pm

Fuck Meg McCabe. Give her a “first daughter” of her own.
Marry Aaron Skaterboi or whatever. Due to Ultimate FMK Rule I don’t have to have the gay sex with him, but he’s a guy so maybe he’ll wanna play Xbox with me or something.
Kill Evelyn Waugh. She lets anyone do anything they want, so I’ll save money on sedatives. Plus it’s more fun when they’re not all drugged out.

Prommie April 14, 2009 at 4:18 pm

You can’t fucking play this with fictional characters.

And what the fucking fuck, with the Evelyn Waugh, does McCain think that was a woman? Or does she think she’s the only one who ever heard of him, so noone will notice, or does she think its a funny joke? All three fucking possibilities are fucking dumb as fucking mormonism.

Gorillionaire April 14, 2009 at 4:21 pm

Fuck the Progressive Insurance chick, marry the Geico lizard, and kill the Free Credit guy.

AxmxZ April 14, 2009 at 4:22 pm

[re=289168]jagorev[/re]: The real Evelyn Waugh looked like a butt with ears. If we’re fucking literary wits, I’ve got dibs on Tom Stoppard, who was pure hot in the 60s-70s. And 80s. Fuck it, he’s still hot.

AxmxZ April 14, 2009 at 4:22 pm

Spork the Sue!

facehead April 14, 2009 at 4:22 pm

[re=289166]EcceNerdo[/re]: Here’s a list of variants from the all knowing wikipedia:,_Marry,_Kill

Mary, Chuck, or Fuck
Do, Marry, or Die
Boink, Marry, Kill
Marry, Bonk, Kill (MBK)
Eff, Marry, Kill (typically censored for broadcast media)
Fuck, Friend or Foe; this variant ensures that the three choices are mutually exclusive. The major difference is that you will never have sexual relations with your Friend (Marry suggests it might occur).
Punch, Pash or Partner, from the Australian Big Brother 2006 Friday Night Live series.
The Cliff Game
Shoot, Marry, Fuck (SMF for short)
Chuck, Fuck or Marry
Shag, Marry, Kill
Bed, Wed, or Dead
Chuck, Fuck, or Stuck
Marry, Boff, Kill (“Up All Night” episode of 30 Rock)
Oral, Anal, Vaginal
Death Is Not An Option (usually a binary choice, one of which is selected for sex)
Do, Dump, Marry
Do, Date, Dump
Date me, Do me, Blow me
Kiss, Diss, Do
Marry, Kill or Do (MKD)
Shoot, Shag or Marry
Shag, Marry, Push Off a Cliff (England/Australia)
Marry, Fuck, Killfuck (This variant makes the third option fucking your chosen target until death occurs)
Marry, Date, or Dump — a board game
Marry, Shag, or Cliff, as in throw off a cliff (used on the Friday Night Project during the “Ask Me Anything” segment)
Snog, Marry, Avoid (Also the name of a BBC television programme)
Chuck, Cradle or Cure
Kill, Marry, Screw
Shoot, Shag, or Marry (on 2dayFM radio show in Australia)

Barebear April 14, 2009 at 4:25 pm

For Fox Commentators (O’Reilly, Beck, Hannity), can we combine options? In that case it would be
FK or KF (I doubt it makes much difference) all of them . . .

Although telling Sean Hannity he had a pretty mouth might be worth keeping him alive.

AxmxZ April 14, 2009 at 4:27 pm

Fuck everybody in the Bush administration and tear Ashcroft to pieces for his bad verse and worse singing.

Chuck Fildren April 14, 2009 at 4:27 pm

Can’t I just KKK? or is that not post-racial enough?

Deepthroat April 14, 2009 at 4:33 pm

For those who are concerned about the Evelyn Waugh issue:

“Waugh entered into a brief, unhappy marriage in 1928 to the Hon. Evelyn Florence Margaret Winifred Gardner, youngest daughter of Lord Burghclere and Lady Winifred Herbert. Their friends called them “He-Evelyn” and “She-Evelyn.”

*the more you know*

jagorev April 14, 2009 at 4:35 pm

[re=289188]AxmxZ[/re]: Okay, fine, Evelyn Waugh was fugly. You know who was hot though? WB Yeats. Just do a Google image search (have lotion handy).

ushutyurmouthwhenurtalkintome April 14, 2009 at 4:38 pm

The game rules made my head hurt. FMK they all. Collect the life insurance. The End.

Man Without Qualities April 14, 2009 at 4:42 pm

[re=289180]Prommie[/re]: Thank you for your timely and hilarious intervention. I mean, really! Hasn’t this girl at least seen “Lost in Translation?”

El Pinche April 14, 2009 at 4:44 pm

Can I skip fucking/marrying/eating and just eat a shit sandwich?

V572625694 April 14, 2009 at 4:44 pm

[re=289170]Lazy Media[/re]: +1

Before marrying anyone, can I read the pre-nup?

Neilist April 14, 2009 at 4:48 pm

“Evelyn Waugh” of “Vile Bodies”?

Enuff said.

AxmxZ April 14, 2009 at 4:50 pm

[re=289214]jagorev[/re]: Meh, he’s okay. Counterpoint: Tom Stoppard in late 60s. Forget lotion – I want a time machine!

ExecutorElassus April 14, 2009 at 4:57 pm

Holy shit, Wonkette is going avant-garde. When you’re all posting from an underwater fotress, and only communicating via teletype to pantomime interpreters on morning news shows, we’ll all look back at this post, and say, “yup. That’s where they started going sideways.”

[re=289170]Lazy Media[/re]: This is what I’m talking about here.

This is the funnest game ever. Also.

Mr Blifil April 14, 2009 at 5:01 pm

[re=289180]Prommie[/re]: Upon reflection it seems that yours is the only sensible reaction. Thank you.

Bearbloke April 14, 2009 at 5:04 pm

[re=289192]Barebear[/re]: I wouldn’t F or K those guys with your dick!

Deepthroat April 14, 2009 at 5:13 pm

[re=289180]Prommie[/re]: YEAH stoopid!

freerangemink April 14, 2009 at 5:16 pm

[re=289075]slappypaddy[/re]: Close, but please stand to the right. April 14, 2009 at 5:27 pm

[re=289094]facehead[/re]: Classic.

Zadig April 14, 2009 at 5:27 pm

All right, new characters: Rick Perry, Wayne Anthony Ross, and the terrifying Goldman/K-Lo hybrid.
Fuck, Marry, Kill?

Mr Blifil April 14, 2009 at 5:30 pm

[re=289245]AxmxZ[/re]: Just thought I’d point out that the thought of using a time machine to visit Tom Stoppard is a variety of meta-absurdism never before formally codified.

qaf April 14, 2009 at 5:34 pm

Hey, I thought Fuck, Marry, Kill was just the order in which you were supposed to do it. (‘Cuz doing it in the opposite order is too ick.) Now I’s all confuzed.

proudgrampa April 14, 2009 at 5:36 pm

[re=289133]bitchincamaro[/re]: I feel your pain.

proudgrampa April 14, 2009 at 5:37 pm

[re=289108]wonderboom[/re]: Trust me, you do NOT want to move to Utah.

Bearbloke April 14, 2009 at 5:39 pm

[re=289094]facehead[/re]: Classics-lit WIN!

AxmxZ April 14, 2009 at 5:57 pm

[re=289295]Mr Blifil[/re]: It’s really rather sad to see how he’s been gang-savaged by the bloody tyrant and chainsmoking.

Not_So_Much April 14, 2009 at 5:57 pm

Wait, which one is Laura Ingraham in this stoopid story?

wheelie April 14, 2009 at 8:06 pm

[re=289074]prizepig[/re]: LOL.

[re=289106]Gopherit[/re]: Fuck Beck, Kill O’Reilly, Marry Hannity. But mostly Fuck Beck.

S.Luggo April 14, 2009 at 8:25 pm

Jindal, Perino, Chenney

Lois, Lana, Lex

Alabama Parrot April 14, 2009 at 8:50 pm

Oil, rub, wash.

sockrocker April 14, 2009 at 9:04 pm

Dumb Point of Interest:

Brophy College Preparatory is the name of the all-boys Jesuit high school that plays counterpart to the all-girls Xavier College Prep which Megzies attended. Though they are separate schools, they share some classes/campus space and have combined socials/mixers/dances/sock-hops (depending on what decade you’re nostalgic for).

The Mattress Police April 14, 2009 at 9:25 pm

After reading the “First Daughter” headline I thought we were going to do an FMK with Trish Nixon, Amy Carter and Chelsea Clinton. That would have been far more amusing/enlightening.

kona farmer April 14, 2009 at 9:28 pm

Ugga bugga, ugga, no ugga

Joey Ratz April 14, 2009 at 11:21 pm

Faster Pussycat, Kill, Kill! Um, and marry Evelyn, I guess.

[re=289245]AxmxZ[/re]: Nah. He looks like Hugh Grant. *shudder*

lulzmonger April 15, 2009 at 3:48 am

Scrub, Rinse, Repeat!

Hello Sunshine April 15, 2009 at 7:17 am

In England (or at least in the town I grew up in) we used to call this game “Shag or Shoot”, which I think sounds much better.

AxmxZ April 15, 2009 at 10:57 am

[re=289617]Joey Ratz[/re]: It’s just the curls. Stoppard looks precisely like what he is: a pureblooded Ashkenazi Jew.

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