Gather ye rosebuds, everyone, it is time to play a game! It is the popular children’s schoolyard game of “Fuck, Marry, Kill.” Oh yes. We’ll be considering three different zeitgeist-y people each week and dissecting their merits by applying to their persons one of the given Verbs. Those are, just to re-cap, Fuck, Marry and Kill—if you need to write this down, please grab a pen and paper now because the pace of play is just going to increase from here. It is fairly self-explanatory but there are important rules that are absolutely crucial to establish right now, before anyone gets emotionally involved.
- Ultimate FMK Rule: if you Marry someone, that means that you don’t get to have sex with them. Otherwise, there would be such low stakes in choosing whether you would prefer to Fuck or Marry them. We have to preserve the stakes.
- Penultimate FMK Rule: if you Fuck someone, that means once. (See “Ultimate FMK Rule” for basic rationale.)
- Antepenultimate FMK Rule: NO CHEATING/BE HONEST. Ah, love, let us be true/To one another!
Ready? Me too.
Ok: so who’s in the news this week? Meghan McCain and her nascent Daily Beast column novella thing, First Daughter, First Love. Great, let’s Fuck, Marry, and Kill the fictional characters in that. Our options, ladies and gentlemen:
“Meg McCabe”: This is the protagonist—or “character who is the most important because she’s the prettiest but also the smartest,” in the probable words of Trip Brophy, in explaining the term to his client Meghan—of First Daughter, First Love. Meg McCabe’s epithet is “beautiful, young”, and literally every time Meg McCabe is spoken about in the third person within the book, she is referred to as “beautiful, young Meg McCabe.” It’s a Homeric stratagem, or, in the immortal probable words of Trip Brohpy, “No, not gay. Uh. Like, old-like.” Anyway, Meg McCabe is an heiress (points for Marry), a published author in her early twenties (Meg McCabe is also writing a book within First Daughter, First Love also called, improbably, First Daughter, First Love).
“Evelyn Waugh”: In Chapter 15 of First Daughter, First Love (the Circe chapter), Meg McCabe takes a yellow taxicab to a building that looks like a cloud. This is the home of Evelyn Waugh, a British lady dispatched by the Queen of England herself to convince Meg McCabe to publish First Daughter, First Love (still at the meta level here), on Evelyn Waugh’s internet blog, which is called The New Yorker. Evelyn Waugh is so pretty, what with her living in a cloud, but she is also nice! She lets beautiful, young Meg McCabe publish a serialization of First Daughter, First Love and promises not to change a word behind her back, or “edit,” as it’s known around Trip Brophy’s liquor cabinet. Evelyn Waugh will let anyone do whatever they want at any time.
“Aaron Skatesman”: Dumb Aaron Skatesman is the antagonist of First Daughter, First Love because that’s what he does: antagonize beautiful, young Meg McCabe with his demands for constant attention. Aaron Skatesman is the boyfriend of the daughter of someone Meg’s dad works with and that is it. He’s not a published author like Meg, nor does he live in a wispy sky castle-on-Hudson like Evelyn Waugh. And, spoiler alert: he cannot really fuck or marry properly, either.
Consensus: Marry Meg McCabe, Fuck Evelyn Waugh, Kill Aaron Skatesman.
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