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Gather ye rosebuds, everyone, it is time to play a game! It is the popular children’s schoolyard game of “Fuck, Marry, Kill.” Oh yes. We’ll be considering three different zeitgeist-y people each week and dissecting their merits by applying to their persons one of the given Verbs. Those are, just to re-cap, Fuck, Marry and Kill—if you need to write this down, please grab a pen and paper now because the pace of play is just going to increase from here. It is fairly self-explanatory but there are important rules that are absolutely crucial to establish right now, before anyone gets emotionally involved.

  • Ultimate FMK Rule: if you Marry someone, that means that you don’t get to have sex with them. Otherwise, there would be such low stakes in choosing whether you would prefer to Fuck or Marry them. We have to preserve the stakes.
  • Penultimate FMK Rule: if you Fuck someone, that means once.  (See “Ultimate FMK Rule” for basic rationale.)
  • Antepenultimate FMK Rule: NO CHEATING/BE HONEST.  Ah, love, let us be true/To one another!

Ready? Me too.

Ok: so who’s in the news this week? Meghan McCain and her nascent Daily Beast column novella thing, First Daughter, First Love. Great, let’s Fuck, Marry, and Kill the fictional characters in that. Our options, ladies and gentlemen:

“Meg McCabe”: This is the protagonist—or “character who is the most important because she’s the prettiest but also the smartest,” in the probable words of Trip Brophy, in explaining the term to his client Meghan—of First Daughter, First Love. Meg McCabe’s epithet is “beautiful, young”, and literally every time Meg McCabe is spoken about in the third person within the book, she is referred to as “beautiful, young Meg McCabe.” It’s a Homeric stratagem, or, in the immortal probable words of Trip Brohpy, “No, not gay. Uh. Like, old-like.” Anyway, Meg McCabe is an heiress (points for Marry), a published author in her early twenties (Meg McCabe is also writing a book within First Daughter, First Love also called, improbably, First Daughter, First Love).

“Evelyn Waugh”: In Chapter 15 of First Daughter, First Love (the Circe chapter), Meg McCabe takes a yellow taxicab to a building that looks like a cloud. This is the home of Evelyn Waugh, a British lady dispatched by the Queen of England herself to convince Meg McCabe to publish First Daughter, First Love (still at the meta level here), on Evelyn Waugh’s internet blog, which is called The New Yorker. Evelyn Waugh is so pretty, what with her living in a cloud, but she is also nice! She lets beautiful, young Meg McCabe publish a serialization of First Daughter, First Love and promises not to change a word behind her back, or “edit,” as it’s known around Trip Brophy’s liquor cabinet. Evelyn Waugh will let anyone do whatever they want at any time.

“Aaron Skatesman”: Dumb Aaron Skatesman is the antagonist of First Daughter, First Love because that’s what he does: antagonize beautiful, young Meg McCabe with his demands for constant attention. Aaron Skatesman is the boyfriend of the daughter of someone Meg’s dad works with and that is it. He’s not a published author like Meg, nor does he live in a wispy sky castle-on-Hudson like Evelyn Waugh. And, spoiler alert: he cannot really fuck or marry properly, either.

Consensus: Marry Meg McCabe, Fuck Evelyn Waugh, Kill Aaron Skatesman.

Et tu, commenters?

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98 COMMENTS

  1. Totes Fuck Meg McCabe, Marry Evelyn Waugh, and Kill ol’ whatsisname. McCabe’s cute, but useless, and Evelyn has enough money that I won’t have to work.

  2. Hah, you with your ‘antepenultimate’ and ‘penultimate’! You…you classicist!.

    Seriously, no sex with Marriage? That’s too real for me. I’m out.

  3. Oh, clearly the one to marry is Evelyn. She’ll let me do whatever I want whenever I want? And she’s pretty and nice? The perfect wife, my friends! Then Meg is for fucks, without a doubt. I don’t get ’em that young anymore unless I pay cash. And yeah, Aaron is still clearly the one to kill. Nothing personal… much.

    Am I playing right? I’m new in this town.

  4. There is a flaw in the game. Given the wrong set of candidates, it would be easy for the comments thread to become indistinguishable from a support group for a largely southern, all white, all male group that has a thing for white hoods.

  5. Take naked pictures of Meg McCabe, which I will drunkenly show off to my equally drunken college friends before selling to TMZ. Then Kill, Kill.

  6. OK, “Meg McCabe” has the trust fund/pending inheritance… Marry her, right, and then skullfuck the others, that takes care of the killin’ and the fuckin’ in one fell swoop.

  7. No no no no no nononoonononononono….
    Fuck Meg McCabe, Marry Evelyn Waugh, Kill Aaron Skatesman.
    Because because because because…shhhhh….because
    EVELYN WAUGH will let you do anything you want! You can marry her and DO WHAT EVER YOU WANT. And, also you can only fuck Meg McCabe once and you know that’s all you’re gonna really wanna do it…it’s all about the mystique! We’ll be soooooo over her after the first time.

  8. [re=289092]Tommy Says Soooo, Jugdish![/re]: That must’ve been the same poet who wrote: “My life is like a tent, poled in the middle with my love for you.” Poets these days.

  9. The merits of this game being tenuous, this was not a good choice of subject matter for the launch. That being said, my name is Evelyn Waugh and I appreciate your support.

  10. You played this game back in the school yard? Cripes hanna, what kind of school did you go to? At mine, we had a jungle gym and a few kickballs.

  11. Dual residency in Utah and Mass., marry Meg (for the money) and Aaron (cuz it’s tough being a straight liberal and NOT trying this whole new gay marriage thing… this way, I can bask in the victory w/out all the anal secks,) fuck, then kill, Evelyn.

  12. [re=289099]TGY[/re]: I like it, but mine sang backup on “You’re So Vain” which seems appropriate. Plus he got Keef to stay alive long enough to play Johnny Depp’s daddy.

  13. [re=289106]Gopherit[/re]: You’re right, FOX commenters are more difficult. I can barely bring myself to say this, but FMK: O’Reilly, Beck, Hannity.

  14. [re=289074]prizepig[/re]: [re=289082]problemwithcaring[/re]: [re=289093]x111e7thst[/re]: [re=289094]facehead[/re]: [re=289101]Terry[/re]: Wins.

  15. Ah, “Fuck, Marry, Kill.” The last time I played this, at a yuppie-ish bar with co-workers (with other co-workers as the objects), one of my coworkers got so drunk that he fell out of his seat and urinated on himself. Last time I saw him, he was running through the park, having left his flip-flops and iphone behind.

    I love “fuck, marry, kill.”

  16. I prefer the GOP Version: Teabag, Tax cut, or Truck Nutz. And the right answer is always Teabags, Tax Cuts, and Truck Nutz for all.

  17. I just want to say you Wonktards are going to get me fired from my job (digging ditches for BIG GUBMINT) for laughing so hard @ this. Well done Juli.

  18. Okay, I’d fuck Evelyn Waugh, who was actually a rather handsome man.

    GET YOUR EARLY 20TH-CENTURY ENGLISH LITERARY GENDERS STRAIGHT, JULI.

  19. Fuck Aaron (cuz I’m gay doncha know?), kill Evelyn (who the hell lives in a cloud?) and marry Meg. Cuz when you fuck or kill someone they only suffer for five minutes, but if you marry them you get to torture them until they pray for the sweet release of death.

  20. [re=289154]WendyK[/re]: [re=289168]jagorev[/re]: Class, distinguish between these satiric forms: irony, surrealism and sardonic humor.

  21. Fuck Meg McCabe. Give her a “first daughter” of her own.
    Marry Aaron Skaterboi or whatever. Due to Ultimate FMK Rule I don’t have to have the gay sex with him, but he’s a guy so maybe he’ll wanna play Xbox with me or something.
    Kill Evelyn Waugh. She lets anyone do anything they want, so I’ll save money on sedatives. Plus it’s more fun when they’re not all drugged out.

  22. You can’t fucking play this with fictional characters.

    And what the fucking fuck, with the Evelyn Waugh, does McCain think that was a woman? Or does she think she’s the only one who ever heard of him, so noone will notice, or does she think its a funny joke? All three fucking possibilities are fucking dumb as fucking mormonism.

  23. [re=289168]jagorev[/re]: The real Evelyn Waugh looked like a butt with ears. If we’re fucking literary wits, I’ve got dibs on Tom Stoppard, who was pure hot in the 60s-70s. And 80s. Fuck it, he’s still hot.

  24. [re=289166]EcceNerdo[/re]: Here’s a list of variants from the all knowing wikipedia:

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fuck,_Marry,_Kill

    Mary, Chuck, or Fuck
    Do, Marry, or Die
    Boink, Marry, Kill
    Marry, Bonk, Kill (MBK)
    Eff, Marry, Kill (typically censored for broadcast media)
    Fuck, Friend or Foe; this variant ensures that the three choices are mutually exclusive. The major difference is that you will never have sexual relations with your Friend (Marry suggests it might occur).
    Punch, Pash or Partner, from the Australian Big Brother 2006 Friday Night Live series.
    The Cliff Game
    Shoot, Marry, Fuck (SMF for short)
    Chuck, Fuck or Marry
    Shag, Marry, Kill
    Bed, Wed, or Dead
    Chuck, Fuck, or Stuck
    Marry, Boff, Kill (“Up All Night” episode of 30 Rock)
    Oral, Anal, Vaginal
    Death Is Not An Option (usually a binary choice, one of which is selected for sex)
    Do, Dump, Marry
    Do, Date, Dump
    Date me, Do me, Blow me
    Kiss, Diss, Do
    Marry, Kill or Do (MKD)
    Shoot, Shag or Marry
    Shag, Marry, Push Off a Cliff (England/Australia)
    Marry, Fuck, Killfuck (This variant makes the third option fucking your chosen target until death occurs)
    Marry, Date, or Dump — a board game
    Marry, Shag, or Cliff, as in throw off a cliff (used on the Friday Night Project during the “Ask Me Anything” segment)
    Snog, Marry, Avoid (Also the name of a BBC television programme)
    Chuck, Cradle or Cure
    Kill, Marry, Screw
    Shoot, Shag, or Marry (on 2dayFM radio show in Australia)

  25. For Fox Commentators (O’Reilly, Beck, Hannity), can we combine options? In that case it would be
    FK or KF (I doubt it makes much difference) all of them . . .

    Although telling Sean Hannity he had a pretty mouth might be worth keeping him alive.

  26. For those who are concerned about the Evelyn Waugh issue:

    “Waugh entered into a brief, unhappy marriage in 1928 to the Hon. Evelyn Florence Margaret Winifred Gardner, youngest daughter of Lord Burghclere and Lady Winifred Herbert. Their friends called them “He-Evelyn” and “She-Evelyn.”

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Evelyn_Waugh

    *the more you know*

  27. [re=289188]AxmxZ[/re]: Okay, fine, Evelyn Waugh was fugly. You know who was hot though? WB Yeats. Just do a Google image search (have lotion handy).

  28. [re=289180]Prommie[/re]: Thank you for your timely and hilarious intervention. I mean, really! Hasn’t this girl at least seen “Lost in Translation?”

  29. Holy shit, Wonkette is going avant-garde. When you’re all posting from an underwater fotress, and only communicating via teletype to pantomime interpreters on morning news shows, we’ll all look back at this post, and say, “yup. That’s where they started going sideways.”

    [re=289170]Lazy Media[/re]: This is what I’m talking about here.

    This is the funnest game ever. Also.

  30. [re=289245]AxmxZ[/re]: Just thought I’d point out that the thought of using a time machine to visit Tom Stoppard is a variety of meta-absurdism never before formally codified.

  31. Hey, I thought Fuck, Marry, Kill was just the order in which you were supposed to do it. (‘Cuz doing it in the opposite order is too ick.) Now I’s all confuzed.

  32. Dumb Point of Interest:

    Brophy College Preparatory is the name of the all-boys Jesuit high school that plays counterpart to the all-girls Xavier College Prep which Megzies attended. Though they are separate schools, they share some classes/campus space and have combined socials/mixers/dances/sock-hops (depending on what decade you’re nostalgic for).

  33. After reading the “First Daughter” headline I thought we were going to do an FMK with Trish Nixon, Amy Carter and Chelsea Clinton. That would have been far more amusing/enlightening.

  34. In England (or at least in the town I grew up in) we used to call this game “Shag or Shoot”, which I think sounds much better.

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