Wonkette
EWWWWWWWWWW Oregon state legislators are filthy! All they talk about is blood and poop and semen. They wrote a bill about this stuff because they are gross. (Also, to protect Women.) Basically it says that before you give the nice lady a Cleveland Steamer, make sure she consents.
Here is the summary (their bold):
Modifies crime of sexual abuse in second degree to include intentionally propelling dangerous substance at another person for purpose of arousing or gratifying sexual desire.
Dangerous substance… like acid, or poison, or Power-ade?
(3) As used in this section, “dangerous substance” means blood, urine, semen or feces.
Such prudes in Oregon.
H.B. 2478 [Oregon House]
House passed bill too gross to talk about [Oregonian]
Before I poop on a nice young lady, I make sure to have her fill out a consent form. It’s just common courtesy.
Yeah! Vomit’s not there! Oh, ladies of Oregon?
When I piss and shit all over my girlfriend she gets all SECKSIFIED. I know it’s wrong, but who isn’t turned on by a little blood, piss and shit?
Also, if you load your woman with Tequila, she will make out with pretty much anyone. THE MORE YOU KNOW.
Good news for Oregon…it’s still OK to spit.
So shooting Ping Pong balls out of your orifices is still legal?
Even if I put the feces in a hot dog bun?
Uptight white pilgrims every one. Eat the boot petty lumberjacks.
ManchuCandidate: I thought that was the Oregonian state sport.
I bit my wrist so I can die…Look at the blood!!! *splat!* Got ya!
So suicide bombers would be guilty of a sex crime in Oregon. That could have some entertaining theological implications.
Some of the comments at the Oregonian are upper-level snark worthy of this site. Be sure to check them out.
“Modifies crime of sexual abuse in second degree to include intentionally propelling dangerous substance at another person for purpose of arousing or gratifying sexual desire.”
Like throwing your shoes at someone???
Yes, but what of the glorious Buffalo Wishbone? (Obey.)
Also, I feel like this is the most appropriate thread so far today in which to mention David Broder. Don’t know why.
The Spit-In-Your-Face lobby got the loophole they wanted it seems.
I got the impression during the short time I lived in Portland that Oregonians were pretty open minded. So I do not understand all the kerfluffle over “…intentionally propelling [a] dangerous substance at another person for purpose of arousing or gratifying sexual desire”. Besides, this just sounds like a perfect evening for David Vitter.
Thankfully, you can still wipe a booger on a bitch.
“intentionally propelling dangerous substance AT another person”.
The keyword is “at”, as opposed to “in front of”, “adjacent to” or “skyward in the vicinity of”.
There’s always a loophole.
Isn’t the beauty of facials the surprise factor? And what, now I gotta ask to cum in her mouf?!
Salem, OR (Reuters)
School board officials will hold an emergency meeting tonight to discuss possible action against 3rd grade teacher Harriet Gerber who thought it would be a “good civics lesson” to bring her students to the state capitol during testimony on H.B. 2478.
Damn, but I love the look of surprise when I whip out the flamethrower dildo!
Bacolube will definitely help you propel your dangerous substances without the smelly side-effects.
It may be a golden shower to you…but it’s an AGENT OF DEATH to Ted Kulongoski!
If they outlaw bukkake, only outlaws will have bukkake!
Oregonians are evidently terrified of the Carville/Begala tag team.
“Rep. Peter North (D-Portland) was the sole member of the Assembly to vote against the measure.”
SKEET! SKEET!
I was just about to throw a handful of bloody ejaculate at roommate, so this news is quite timely.
JadedDIssonance: YOu can’t truly get porked without Bacolube.
looks like they forgot about snotums. which is sweet! i’m gonna go to oregon right now and spend the rest of the week sneezing all over foxy babes for kicks.
shortsshortsshorts: WIN. Doubleyou. Eye. En. Win.
In some circles, Tea=semen + poo + piss + blood mixture.
Example:
After sex, Travis Buck soaked up the tea with his ShamWow and then cried softly.
OReillysVibrator: Pssh! Are you joking?! Everyone knows the hot dog bun is where your cock goes.
Someone in the OR legislature has been watching Japanese porn, I see.
I’d like to meet the guy that has the capacity to actually propel seman…
Gopherit: Unfortunately, this new law will have a deleterious effect on my new flying flaming poo business.
El Pinche: Fuck, that had me laughing so hard I had to run over to my boyfriend to ask if I could pee on him!!
Dave J.: WIN.
From the Oregonian article linked in the post:
Posted by lago7 on 04/08/09 at 10:29PM
Please note that penetration of the penis is now a crime under this statute, even if you are doing it with your own Iraqi twizzle stick. This bill is certainly sexist, if not racist. If anyone wants to protest this bill with me, please insert a small American flag in your penis and join me on Capitol Hill this weekend. Any questions give me a call: (317)695-8124
Fucking fantastic.
Apparently the need for this bill arose because some gang-banger threw some of his junk on a nice lady at Target as part of his initiation, which evidently means that we’ve got the most hilarious/inappropriate gangsters EVER here in Oregon.
What is a Cleveland steamer, please?
Wait, Oregon gang members have taken up seagulling? Did they learn about it from Russell Brand, or did they get it straight from British schoolboys?
This is the perfect Wonkette post. It has politics, fecal matter, and semen, *combined*. And judging by the comments, my fellow Wonktards have not let me down.
Gasolina!!
People, they’re joking, it’s Oregon.
The university team is named the Beavers and what do you think ‘loggers’ refers to?
Come on the whole state is a comedy skit.
I have found some kind of temporary sanity in this shit, blood, and cum on my hands….
freakishlystrong: You would?
Wow. Have our PUMA friends at “The Confluence” kept up with Oregon’s brave defense of women? I’m sure this is exactly the sort of legislation they think is needed to end the subjection of women and undermine the patriarchal structures that everywhere legitimize misogyny.
snideinplainsight: Ok, I’ll bite, I’m at work and am terrified of googling “Buffulo Wishbone”.
“intentionally…” so if I remember to say oops I’m good to go?
Wasn’t Animal House filmed in Oregon? That would mean that Flounder committed a sex assault when he booted on Dean Wormer.
Can Oregon be the Show Me state now?
freakishlystrong: Weren’t you ever 16?
user-of-owls: Oregon H.B. 2478 makes my urine’s butt hurt. (Sad face)
Dave J.: Oregon gangbangers, oh, where do I start?
I lived in N.E. Portland (da ‘hood) for five years, and the guys doing drive-by shootings were always getting caught because, in their incautious haste to get clear of the crime scene, they kept getting in traffic accidents immediately after the pop-pop-pop-pop part of the deal.
What about bile? Venting of spleens?
There seem to be several precious bodily fluids that are more dangerous than a little jizzum.
How will this affect Oregon lawmakers’ masturbating-in-the-office-toilet hobbies?
Scarab: Indeed, my 3-legged Bloodhound hails from Oregon. He’s jizzless, but those flibberques of his can fling piss and shit (the horse’s) quite an impressive distance.
Can we also ban muscle-mag photo’s of CarrotTop?
shanemacgowan: Not yet…
This is actually a covert attempt to stop the tea bagging protests. I’ve turned on the Beck-Signal to alert the great prophylactic.
Alabama Parrot: I demand legislation regulating the emissions of the Humors!
I won’t stand for this neo-platonic oversight!
Just a coincidence she was in Target?
Hey, it’s lunch time here on the West Coast. Did this HAVE to be posted right now?
Sounds like they could use good ol’ G.O.B. Bluth to give them the sexual harassment seminar that served his company so well…
Please refrain from discussing or engaging in any inter-office *bleep* or *bleep* -ing, or finger *bleep* or *bleep* -sting or *bleep* -esting or *bleep* eing or *bleep* or even *bleep* . Oh and if anyone tries anything with my sister Lindsay, I’ll take off my pants, I’ll show you my *bleep* . And I’ll personally *really long bleep* .
Ain’t nuthin dangerous about my substance. I’m clean!
But it’s still legal to hurl the aforementioned substances at someone not for the purposes of arousing or gratifying sexual desire, right? Maybe I just like throwing bloody turds at people because I’m a mean bastard.
Styrofoam Boots: What kind of WASPy, quiet motherfucker stealth cums?
Hey it says nothing about banning the pearl necklace. Bust out some ZZ top and jizz away!
“Honestly, zookeeper. I had no intention to arouse or gratify anyone. My god, AROUSING those people outside my cage? Are you out of your mind?? I was just throwing my feces at them out of sheer annoyance, and because, well…- where the hell’s my food, anyway?”
InsidiousTuna: … I’ll be the guy walking very slowly and carefully.
If I throw santorum at someone without consent will I be charged with two counts as it is a frothy mix of feces and semen?
So, are there actually a lot of Germans in Oregon? Hmm. I didn’t know that.
One Yield Regular: I now suspect that the woman who spends all her afternoons gazing longingly in front of the monkey cage, was not inspired by Jane Goodall after all.
ShamWow: You’re such a tool.
I understand that one of the bills’ co-signers was Rep. Hu Flung Poo of the third district. Don’t let congresswoman Betty Brown know about this.
Harvey Birdman: Cummon, the look on their face when they have to swallow that shit. Priceless.
Styrofoam Boots: “they have to swallow…”
Um - you do realize we have TEETH, right? Or perhaps the toothless gals (with flat heads for setting your beer) are more to your liking?
Hey, I’m not choosey like, what, Vitter. It’s all about functionality. Misogyny, also.
Was this actually a problem anywhere, other than the zoo?
Custerwolf: make that ‘co-sponsor.’ I’m off to steal some chocolate milk now.
Urine a dangerous substance?!? The acidity level makes it nearly sterile. Or so my gimp tells me.
Popping a chunk when you meant to merely break wind is not intentional, correct?
I promise whoever I next project bodily fluids on that I will neither become aroused or satisfy my sexual desires.
That should take care of everything.
peorgietirebiter: It says nothing about recklessly or negligently.
thefrontpage: it is your destiny…
shanemacgowan: Set in Oxford, Ohio, at the Fiji House.
Zhu Bajie
Josh Fruhlinger: US politicians all deserve to have bloody turds thrown at them; it might keep them humble.
Zhu Bajie
Leopolt: Yes, it can be used as an emergency antiseptic.
Zhu Bajie
zhubajie: Yes, which makes it especially handy if you should accidentally cut your penis.
I would not have had that happen to you.
Discourtesy is unspeakably ugly…
Typical sloppy bill drafting. It doesn’t specify whether or not these substances might still be inside the body. So now bumping into somebody can be construed as sexual abuse.
They just want to make sure that nobody gets killed with a line of dooty.