Wonkette
THESE OBAMAS MUST RESPECT OUR QUEEN: “The president’s presumptuousness most certainly did not stop with the poison gift of the I-pod. Instead of holding tape recordings of quality music from Great Britain, rumor has it this device was filled with 30 gigabytes (or, a half hour’s worth) of sexual American music by the likes of Barry White or Boz Scaggs.” [AOL Political Machine]
If I had the patience to log in AOL, I’d comment, “Math is hard, Ken.”
“God save the (midget) Queen.” Also.
I see a bad You Tube Movie where HRH the Queen is Bobbie Gentry and Michelle Obama is Robbie Benson and Bo Swenson is Carla Bruni and then Billy Jack comes in and it all goes gaii.
I have it on good authority that queens generally love hugs….also, dollar bills shoved down their cleavage. Not so much love for the Boz Skaggs though.
“One must ask, is Buckingham Palace the home of royalty or some Girls Gone Wild lesbian boudoir?”
Can’t it be both?
We all know what she really wanted.
the word terrorist strikes again!
The stupid continues, though I’m hoping for more entertaining fare as night goes on…
littlestgator1:02AMApr 4th 2009 — I am hoping you are being sarcastic?
dingbat1:13AMApr 4th 2009 — She is not “Our Queen!”
OMG the Queen looks just like Barbara Cartland. And is she standing on an invisible box? Or levitating? Or are the Obamas holding her up by her elbows?
above the pearls, below the crown … your Majesty!
Ken? About this “i-pod.” You talked about gigabytes and a half hour, but I thought the size of them was measured in something called “songs” - am I out of date and the units have changed? Are we metric now? Is this part of the new socialism? That’s change I can believe in! I never did figure out how many “songs” were in Messien’s Saint-François d’Assise.
That British whore started it. Michelle wouldn’t have done anything if that skank hadn’t slipped a tab of acid in her breakfast and felt her up at the right moment.
“I may not be the target audience for today’s Disney Channel, but I certainly remember quality music: the Beatles. This was the music of important civil rights battles, and I remember. I remember.”
I simply do not care for this sentence construction!
Maureen, is that you?
How come the Queen herself hasn’t chimed in on this yet?
Her Majesty’s a pretty nice girl, but she doesn’t seem to have a lot to say.
Hey I wrote a very nice comment about Martha Mitchell, cowboy boots, denim mini skirts and about kissing American asses and it was CENSORED1!!Hobo got to write one. I wuz robbed. I didn’t even say fuck once. Fuck this Aol queen stuff.I’m going to sleep.
the horror, the horror
Pilate: Give her time. She changes from day to day, after all.
You’d think the CIA would give up on trying to hypnotize HRH with our American pop music after the “Muskrat Love” fiasco 30 years ago…
Give the Queen some Beatles???
Next you’ll suggest that Hopey should bring coals to Newcastle, or ice to Eskimos.
Shoulda been Beefheart, Ken.
Bat Chain Puller or Trout Mask Replica.
MORE COWBELL!
I’m shocked no one has opined how we wanted the Preznit to greet HRH:
Yo-yo-yo! Ya HI-neeess! Barry-O in DA house with hiz MISS-uuusss!
I am only astonished a brief montage of American treasure Ron Jeremy’s life works was not included with the musical selection. That would have led to a shift in European power after HRH rolfed herself to death upon viewing. Then the Muslin/Marxist/Maoist conspiracy would have finally begun. We’d all be working for shekels tomorrow, as sage Bachmann has foreseen.
Oh man, this is even batter than last week. This week you have people who for realsies agree with you. Or are full-bore retarded. Whichever.
Canuckledragger: I suggest “I Wanna Watch Cartoons” by the Happy Flowers. Then fill the rest of the thing with “Brainwash” by Flipper. That’s only if the Prez wanted to be really cool and impressive…and not just a charming dork.
I just wished they had all rehearsed more Bollywood-type musical productions. I loved it when Michelle and Barry did the Jai Ho song with the Gee-Twenties behind them. Great way to end any meeting.
And if Wonkette doesn’t quit posting Ben Affleck’s picture in the Ken Layne title box, I swear I’m canceling my subscription. At least post one of Ben’s pictures where he doesn’t look so boozy and hung-over.
Canuckledragger: Me suspects Mr. Ken understands his audience over at teh AOLness. He could have said the Stones or Genesis. Amy Winehouse would have provoked deer-eyes-in-the-headlights.
hobospacejunkie: Somebody PLEASE take credit for the “Alabama Patriot” posting (page 3). I have to believe that it was a fake. Please . . .
What is an “I-Pod”? Is that like an iPod that investment bankers wear?
Uncle Glenny: It really falls apart when you try to load Mahler on your “iPod.” All the bombast blows out your earbuds.
And here, your majesty, is a whole section which I call, A Tribute to Princess Di.
Ken Layne is the syndicated op-ed columnist from Wonkette, in Washington DC,
Say Ken, I am not sure if your bio tagline at the end is supposed to be a truth-challenged zone or not. But if you have a little poetic license, I would be sure to mention your reporting from London during the Blitz.
I could see the queen gettin down to “We’re all alone” or “Lido Shuffle” by Scaggs!
Why do I read the comments? Nothing good ever comes from reading the comments!
Internally valid: Oh god, I just wish I could. If I ever meet the person who wrote that, whether they were joking or earnest, I am buying them a couple drinks.
However, I’m not sure that the sort of person who could believe that screed would have any idea who the Saxe-Coburgs are.
Electra: I fucking LOVE Ken’s commenters. Alabama Patriot especially. This is why I became one myself.
I can only hope that all the AOL comments are forgeries from Wonkette readers. Otherwise it’s just too depressing. Are you guys really that good? God, I hope so.
And in this installment, Ken tweaks the Monachtards, the iPodtards, the mathtards, and the Beatletards. Well done!
El Vista: I thought he looked like a young Paul Krugman… in disguise.
It’s funnier if you read the comments first and then the article. Funny as hell, in fact. Thank you.
Zadig: I am from Alabama. I am a patriot. If free drinks are involved, I’ll take credit for it, but unfortunately I missed the Western Civ class where they talked about the Saxe-Coburg conspiracy, unless Saxe-Coburg is code for NAACP.
Catquick’s one-liner over t here is pretty funny.
Pilate: I want to tell her that I love her a lot but I gotta get a bellyful of wine.
Mr. Layne, I love your other life as agent provacateur over on AOL. “You’re kidding, right?” “Please tell me this is snark”. Hilarious. And those mouth breathers on AOL are looking for any reason to get all worked up. I didn’t realize that many trailer parks had interweb service.
I received an epiphany reading those comments, and I will no longer be “El Vista.” Thank you Baby Jesus for such inspirational commenters. God Hates Frogs. Also.
For all the arrant pedantry and bombast in the comments (”The Queen touched Michelle first!”) not one of them noticed that “Penny Lane” was not released on Sgt. Pepper’s. Aren’t there any Bealtestards around anymore? This is the real sign that America’s in trouble.
Alabama has interwebs?
SayItWithWookies: I was gonna say that it was on the ‘Merican version, but even that would have been wrong. An LSD record is an LSD record, I guess.
smashtheduck: Alabama has intertubes. Also.
Evidently, Russia still has Czars. Also. I’ve learned so much from these AOL commenters. So thank you for that.
smashtheduck: Didn’t GM used to make czars? I so confoozed.
RGH: Full 10 points for that one. Full 10.
And I thought I was the only one who remembered The Look on Her Majesty’s face when “The Captain” used his keyboard skills to mimic those squeals of muskrat love.
Ken: “I certainly remember quality music: the Beatles. This was the music of important civil rights battles, and I remember. I remember.”
Funny, I don’t remember anyone from NAACP, SNCC, SIS, Weather Underground, the Panthers, or any other “civil rights” group singing, humming or even Muskrat Lovin’, anything by The Beatles . . . .
Dylan, maybe. Or Dave Van Ronk.
But The Beatles?
(Unless repeating “Kill that BITCH Yoko!” over and over again counts as a “civil rights song.”)
Kenny Lane is in my ears, and in my eyes….
DoctorCulturae: No that’s a total red harring. Complete carbage.
I bet Hopey downloaded ‘Candle in the Wind’ as a joke…
Internally valid: I cannot take credit for Alabama Patriot. I can only hope he runs for president one day. All he has to do is ask for my vote & it’s his.
Travis Bucks. Travis FUCKING Bucks. That there is a name that’ll getcha places.
rocktonsammy: And some Queen Latifah.
One does not simply walk into Buckingham Palace.
you guys have got to stop mucking up the waters over there, i can’t always tell who is a wonkette and who is a lunatic, which ruins the fun!
Electra: i have this affliction too.
Aside from Michele’s getting handsey with the Queen (a triviality I’m sure the Queen promptly forgot since she’s 5,000 years old), I would like to know if Minnie Ripperton’s ‘Loving You’ made the final cut on the gifted iPod? I do so love that song, the way Minnie shatters both crystal and tympanic membranes for miles with those beautifically unbearable high notes of hers. In a pinch that song would work better than the paddles, should the dear Queen ever need them.
cranky: The people at AOL make us seem downright witty and insightful.
I have heard that ‘Chelle and Barry have been invited to be on “Dancing With the Czars.” I’d watch if Fernández de Kirchner and Tymoshenko are included.
Alabama Parrot: no medication has ever made me feel as relatively stable or cheerful as the comments from those whack jobs. today i learned that i am a beacon of cheer in a dark world, who knew?
There was no breach of protocol here. However, it would have been inappropriate for the First Lady to have inserted two or more of her black fingers in the royal twat. Unless, of course, she was reciprocating Her Majesty’s overture.
Honestly, I TRY to read Ken’s silly thing, but I can’t help but skim over it to get to the comments to observe readers desperately struggling to figure out what’s going on. Or even better, those oblivious to sarcasm and in complete agreement.
proudgrampa: Its still 300 baud during the day. They turn off the generators and close the outhouses after 8pm.
El Vista: I think we knew all along in our heart of hearts that a small German principality, Saxe-Coberg-Gotha, which doesn’t exist anymore, is in actuality the driving force behind the New World Order…
Torruck Nahts11:46AMApr 4th 2009
I’m glad to see someone has the balls to organize these tea-bagging parties.
To whomever posted this, I salute you with a “WIN!”
Unsmear my heart, say you’ll love me again…
Barry Obama gives Betty Windsor some music.
Sorry to the AOL mouthbreathers, but that sounds like more like one of the many American Broadcasting Company’s famous 1970’s After-School Special (ABC-70’s-ASS) than Armageddon.
Enuff Cowbell, also.
cranky: At first, I thought you said you were a bacon of cheer.
Neon Trotsky: Those upstart Hanoverians! The Stuarts never would have stood for this.
The jokes on all of you Ken-Layne-Picture-Haters. That beard hides another fist.
SayItWithWookies: Is it not? Hmmm… I must have dosed a little hard while listening to Sgt. Pepper’s…
*runs to his CD collection to see if he’s high*
Well folks, the digital age has finally consumed KevoTron. I jumped over to Wiki to find the answer to my question when the original Sgt. Peppers LP on vinyl was sitting in my record collection within arms length from my laptop. Le sigh…
Kev-O-Tron: Welcome!
Gallowglass: Both!
Here are the main protocol rules for meeting the Queen:
- Never make eye contact with The Queen. Nose contact is also forbidden.
- Never speak to Her unless she asks you a direct question. The only exception to this rule is that you may speak if you want to say something to her.
- Do not address her as “Queen”, or “Elizabeth” or anything except “Your Royal Highness, Your Majesty of the United Kingdom, and Protector of the Faith of the Church of England, and Defender of the Commonwealth, and Comptroller and Auditor General of the Channel Islands”.
- Do not touch her, for social or sexual reasons, unless she initiates it. Never go further than Second Base.
- Never stand taller than the Queen. If one is tall, one ought stoop, or rest on one’s knees, or lie on the ground, or bend over double, depending on the day of the week.
- Her husband should never be spoken to (actually that’s not protocol, that’s just a practical survival tip.)
Custerwolf: Wow, that takes me back. Ripperton’s group Rotary Connection was pretty cool, or so I thought. I knew she’d died. Looked her up in Wikipedia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Minnie_Riperton) and learned that Maya Rudolph (on SNL) is her daughter.
The majority of those AOL posters must have eaten a lot of paint chips as children.
I could make enough for an ounce just selling pet rocks to these mouth-breathers.
Min:
I hope them paint chip eating people see the new GM rally cap ad on teevee now.
HEY PEOPLE! The Depression is over:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HvuiBmKV1yc
That is, according to corporate cockster Cramer. Haha, I’m still going to Lowes today to get my depression garden supplies.
You’re welcome.
YOU PEOPLE NEED TO STRAYTEN OUT. TRAVIS IS RIGHT. RIGHT ON. PALIN WOULDA HAD THE AWESOME CLASS OF BRINGIN THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND A WOLF CARCASS OR SNOW TRAKTOR. FOX IS AWESOME. NO WUNDER YOU DON’T KNOW HOW TO THINK IF YOU DON’T WACH FOX. WACH HANNITY AND HE’LL TELL YOU WHAT YOU SHOULD THINK THEN YOU, LIKE ME, WONT EVEN HAVE TO. THE QUEEN ONLY GAVE NOBAMA A PICHER SO SHE CAN CONTROL HIS MIND. NOBAMA CAN’T SPEAK WITHOUT A TELPROMTER. NOW HER PICHERZ GONNA BE ON THE TELPROMPTER. WE NEED TEAAGGING TO SHOW THE COMMIE CZARS THAT WE LOVE PALIN AND WHERE NOT MUZLINS LIKE NOBAMA. PALIN NEVER USED A TELPROMTER CAUSE SHE SPOKE FROM THE HEART PEOPLE. WAKE UP AND SMELL THE TEABAGGS OR THE QUEEN WILL GIVE YOU PICHERS TOO.
El Pinche: Crap. What the fuck am I supposed to do with all these hobo beans now?
wheelie: Thank God someone has finally brought some decorum to this place! Well done.
smashtheduck: make some Barack Boom chili con carne!
smashtheduck: Cook them up with a little bacon of cheer!
Now that her performance is almost over why doesn’t the Queen simply cut loose and enjoy the ride, maybe sit back and listen to some of Gabe’s Dirty Blues -tossed in with the single ‘Big Ten Inch Record’ (the original Bull Moose Jackson version). She could change the world.
If the Palins ever get to Buckingham Palace, you can be sure they will be counting the silverware when they leave!
El Pinche: Dude, I called the Depression over weeks ago.
Cramer can give me a blumpkin. Or is it, I give Cramer a blumpkin? Whatever, I’m the guy sittin…
OT, but what the hell.
Living in Europe, I didn’t expect to actually get to see President Obama, but he’ll be speaking at Prague Castle in about 3 hours and, if my 2 year old doesn’t panic at the size of the crowd, I’ll be there. I’ll post after, to let you know how it went.
Also, if Jim Cramer is saying the depression is over, we’re totally screwed.
Kev-O-Tron: Ha ha, yes Wookies is right. I figured this AOL “syndicated columnist” version of myself should have a typical Baby Boomer obsession, and always be wrong or at least vague about it. So not only does he claim Queen Elizabeth is one of the Important People on the Sgt. Pepper cover, but he doesn’t know “Penny Lane” wasn’t on the record, and he also misquotes the lyric in question.
Also, I am not a baby boomer.
gurukalehuru: Oh good. I’ve got two Prague buddies who will be there, and will hopefully have some posts for Wonkette tomorrow. You probably know Doug and Rob?
Community organizers aren’t used to hobnobbing with royalty.
http://democralypsenow.blogspot.com/2009/04/all-worlds-his-stage_02.html
These AOL commenters really do understand royal protocol. I wonder how a toothless person living in a trailer park becomes so ‘cultured’ is there some kind of TV channel on this stuff or is it the only coffee table book they own?
These are the sorts of people, who when they come to London think they are a novelty and since they are American the Queen will promptly invite them over for tea. These are also the same people who would wear shorts and sneakers around town, then wonder how you know they are American.
gurukalehuru: I went with my mother and brother to see Bobby Kennedy when he was campaigning in Indiana in the 60s. Even at the tender young age of 7, I remember thinking how completely gorgeous he was, flashing that marvelous Kennedy smile. My mother (a very hot blonde at the time), got us front and center where my brother could shake hands with Bobby (I was too shy). It was really something to feel all that energy and the charged atmosphere. Of course, being only 7 at the time, an equally indelible memory was on the walk home when I found someone’s black comb laying on the ground.
Alpha O. Mega: One in the highness, two in the majesty?
ServiceJervixJuice: I second Flipper’s ‘Brainwash.’ Never mind, forget it, she wouldn’t understand anyway.
WadISay: Yeah, what happened to the funny bylines? How about, “Ken Layne is royal protocol correspondent for Wonkette, a quarterly journal of etiquettology.”