Wonkette
So those awful explosions that you all witnessed the other night were not angels lighting their farts on fire, or meteor showers, or anything else Celestial. Apparently a fearsome Russian Rocket vomited its “space junk” all over the Eastern seaboard. Why don’t Russians care about the environment?
Here is the deal: last Thursday, a Soyuz rocket launched from Kazakhstan and headed for the International Space Station. When these rockets lift off, a bunch of garbage falls off them and eventually comes back to earth. That garbage was scheduled to penetrate Earth’s atmosphere right over Virginia on Sunday night, which is exactly when people started calling 911 about the apocalypse.
So we can conclude that the fearsome sky explosions came either from debris from a Soyuz rocket, or — more likely — space monsters using the expected junk-shower from the rocket to sneakily invade our planet and impregnate all the womens with goat-headed babies.
IMPORTANT UPDATE: Well now these “scientists” who were so certain it was space junk have decided it was a meteor, which just goes to show you how lame science is.
Mysterious East Coast Boom Was Falling Russian Rocket [Space.com]
I, for one, welcome our goat-headed overlords.
I reckon this is it — toe-to-toe nuclear combat with the Rooskies!
It’s just like those godless commies to create miracles in the sky with their “science”
This makes me nostalgic for the Bush years. We’d probably be attacking Ka-Zach-A-Stan about right now.
The debris has now gone into the limo and dry cleaning business in Patterson, NJ.
I always wondered what happened to Sigue Sigue Sputnik.
Now I know.
Thanks, Wonkette, for being so durned edumacational.
So basically, a Soyuz rocket launched from Kazakhstan took a shitzhkey on Virginia?
dave666: So does Mickey Kaus.
When these rockets lift off, a bunch of garbage falls off them and eventually comes back to earth.
Who knew Chrysler made rockets?
What a letdown. I was looking forward to an alien showdown with Mel Gibson and his water-based weapons system.
Fuckin’ Russians.
Ha! This reminds me of the episode of 6′Under when that lady got hit on the head with frozen blue airplane toilet water! And died!
Why? I do not know.
WHERE’S YOUR MISSILE SHIELD NOW, NOOBAMA?
I’m assuming, dear eds., that by “angels lighting their farts on fire” you meant Serolf Divad, who I never believed anyway. After all, nobody can eat that many beans, amirite?
Spaceweather.com says that it was NOT the Soyuz rocket booster. The booster reentered 2 hours later near Taiwan, as expected. Everything you heard was wrong.
Putin is having a hearty chuckle over this: vhat iz diss thingk yu cawl enbironment?
SayItWithWookies: …WIN!
What are you gonna name your goat-headed baby, Sara?
…I think I saw this in a movie once! It was called “Alien vs. Predator”.
queeraselvis v 2.0:
Wow, I’m amazed that someone actually read my 11th hour comment on the original space explosion thread.
The Satelite of R-evol-ution.
Hahahahaha. You gave a linky-linky to Space.com — Lou Dobb’s other site that focuses on aliens (of the extraterrestrial kind). WHY DOES WONKETTE HATE MEXICANS???
I’ve notice a spike in the flouride in my tap water this week, too.
Why don’t Russians care about the environment?
Hey, when you live in Siberia, global warming seems like an idea whose time has come.
SayItWithWookies: Nah, that 1972 Dodge Demon (the reason I’ll never buy another American car) could barely make it out of the driveway, so any Chrysler rocket wouldn’t have gotten as far as the launch pad.
Chauncey is the best goat-headed baby name. I’m calling it. Nine months from now maternity wards are going to be overwhelmed with “Chaunceys,” Like Amanda in the mid-1980s.
My friends, I am afraid that Rocky the Flying Squirrel has breathed his last. I want to know what Obama is doing TO HONOR THIS GREAT AMERICAN?
SayItWithWookies:
They actually did (well, their Germans did.)
Redstone
Saturn I
Saturn V
Unfortunately, their 2nd go around with Germans (Mercedes) didn’t go as well.
Actually, the more I think about it, the more I like Chauncey as a goat-headed person name. Just picture it. Chauncey, sitting in a chair in the drawing room, wearing a waistcoat, complete with pocketwatch and a monocle over his creepy goat-eye, placidly chewing on a tin can. Yeah.
Red Zeppelin: It’s just as well. Rocky was never the same after Sarah Palin iced Bullwinkle. http://beldar.blogs.com/photos/uncategorized/2008/06/09/palin_deer.jpg
RIP Moose and Squirrel.
WOLVERIIIINES!
Red zombies.
ManchuCandidate: Frickin’ unreliable Mercedes.
That’s not acid rain over Richmond, its Stoli.
Kazakhstan you say? Has anybody reached cultural ambassador Borat for comment yet?
Naked Bunny with a Whip: OK, that made me laugh.
freakishlystrong: Oh, THAT explains the smell outside my house this morning!
Well, if we’d have put Sarah Palin in the White House where she is SUPPOSED to be, she would have SEEN Russia coming.
…garbage was scheduled to penetrate Earth’s atmosphere right over Virginia…
All I got out of that was “penetrate” and “Virginia”.
BillyClubb: *fapfapfapfap*
Aw, I was hoping for Autobots.
“Daa-aaa-d’s out baa-aaa-ack.”
Most callers to 911 thought it was Jeasus returning to earth with fiery anger.
http://www.officialramones.com/auctions/AUC3-08/R2RUSSIA-ALBUM.jpg
Or from, in this case.
Goat-headed ‘kids’ would be cute. And after every shearing you could knit them a pair of mittens.
I say we fire something back at them, like the Colbert Sapce Module or Jim Bunning.
So the Post reports a Naval Observatory guy saying it was a Russian rocket, and on the same day, WTOP reports a U.S. Air Force official saying it was NOT a “man-made” object. So–which is it? It is a rocket, which is man-made, or is it a metor, which is not man-made? Wouldn’t there be more viable answers in this post-9/11 world, and with 19,000 things floating around in the atmosphere, wouldn’t someone know whether one of those 19,000 things is crashing through the atmosphere? And doesn’t the military track meteors? And, perhaps most disturbing of all, why does there seem to be more and more and more meteors crashing into the earth in recent months? Not to get paranoid, but there’ve been several of these stories in recent months. is there something we need to know?
Does this rule out WMDs then?
thefrontpage: You have nothing to fear from the plasma vortex. It sees, it knows, it understands.
WadISay: Win.
I was hoping for old fashioned serphas from Catholic legends: six winged angels with the heads of a man, ram, hawk, lion. The would swoop down for the greats special effects extravaganza ever. On doom’s day, I want it to be like an issue of Green Lantern on LSD.
MarieDeGournay: ugh, typing hard.
DoctorCulturae: Probably just Putin rearing his head again.
[IMG]http://i526.photobucket.com/albums/cc348/eclecticbrotha/Putinrearshishead.jpg[/IMG]
eclecticbrotha: http://i526.photobucket.com/albums/cc348/eclecticbrotha/Putinrearshishead.jpg
El Vista: Wow. You’re smearing today’s Chrysler for the failures of your ‘72 Dodge Demon? Dude, I follow the American auto industry pretty closely, and I can assure you that today’s Chrysler products are much more sophisticated and expensive to fix.
NoWireHangers: Naked Bunny with a Whip: wins.
You gullible sheep! This whole thing was just an elaborate promotional stunt for TCM’s all-50s-sci-fi lineup tonight! Never underestimate the sinister power of basic cable.
IM IN UR ATMOSFEREZ FRIGHTENIN UR WINGNUTZ!
They need to make up their minds as to what the source of these scary ’spolsions are.
Frankly, I’m going to start laying money on a time-traveling cyborg.
thefrontpage: I suspect that Naval Observatory guy was under the influence of Cheney. spaceweather.com said all along that the Russian rocket stage was supposed to come down near Taiwan.
I love how that article used parentheses to explain fancy science stuff in layman’s terms. My favorite has to be this one though:
“Well, we’re all entitled to a ‘mulligan’ now and then, right,” Chester wrote SPACE.com in an email, adding that he deferred Strategic Command. (A mulligan is a do-over in golf.)
PHILLIPS: Just a minute! Something’s happening! Ladies and gentlemen, this is terrific! This end of the thing is beginning to flake off! The top is beginning to rotate like a screw! The thing must be hollow!
VOICES: She’s movin’! Look, the darn thing’s unscrewing! Keep back, there! Keep back, I tell you! Maybe there’s men in it trying to escape! It’s red hot, they’ll burn to a cinder! Keep back there. Keep those idiots back!
(SUDDENLY THE CLANKING SOUND OF A HUGE PIECE OF FALLING METAL)
This is so obviously an Obama government coverup for an alien landing, given the different versions of the “story”. And now he’s safe in England for when the invasion begins.
Anonymous Office Zombie: Borat has left us but Bruno exists. But he is ‘too gay for the USA’
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/7975007.stm