Wonkette
VAMPIRES ARE A LIBERAL TERRORIST SEX PLOT: Bram Stoker never imagined that his story of a seductive count who necks with young virgins at night might be interpreted as something sexual, but now that dirty-minded liberals have gotten their paws on the vampire story, the terrorists have won. “I’m all for multiculturalism, but this is too much. As Freud is supposed to have said, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. Likewise, sometimes the Other isn’t a cool countercultural rebel who puts a thrill up your leg, he is a monster who wants to suck your blood or, if he is technologically savvy and has a religious ax to grind, blow up your kids’ school bus.” Dracula: the Western world’s first Islamic jihadist. Discuss. [National Review Online]
Now we know who’s been feeling really guilty about downloading Twilight off Kazaa and masturbated to it. But then again, the Chinese already knew that.
Stopped reading at Not that vampires are real, so far as I know.
Just so you whacked-out wingnuts know, vampires are not real.
Thrill up your leg? My God, that is a reference to Chris Matthews reaction to Obama? My God, does this mean that in addition to being a Commie muslin abortionist our President is also A VAMPIRE?????
High time we got serious about the GWOV (Global War on Vampires).
Also, some a-hole on Townhall wrote a thing calling Michelle Obama mannish and comparing her to James Brown, y’all need to comment on that atrocity, for God, and the bible. Also.
If you want to see what this article would look like had it been written by an adult, see: http://www.newyorker.com/arts/critics/atlarge/2009/03/16/090316crat_atlarge_acocella
I think I would have to say that trying to fit Victorian horror novels to fit nicely into any good v. evil is truly simpleminded. The good Victorian horror stories are much more complex than a simple black and white interpretation will allow. But then, what do you expect, these people made Brazil a movie about conservatism, and therefore clearly delusional.
Oh, wait…now I get it. Those sad little RedStatists didn’t turn on all their lights to antagonize liberals…the did it to scare away the Vampire pervs.
Well, OK then.
What is the point of this shit on NRO when we have Big Hollywood to elucidate our culture for us? COLLUSION UR DOIN IT RONG.
Poor National Review contributors. Mess with literary conventions a bit and they feel completely fucking lost in a world without God!!!
Oh, no, the Vampires are now the good guys… Who gave us the sponge to wipe away the entire horizon?
It’s like the world came to and end for these people as soon as the first good guy wore a black hat.
Actually Dracula is decidedly unsexy in the original Bram Stoker text. It wasn’t until later film versions that vampires became sexy.
Te he! When I read the article the ad in the middle of it was for the casting of the new TWILIGHT MOVIE! HA!
So, yeah, anyways, Virgina, which is nothing but Virgin and Vagina combined, WAKE UP AND KILL ZEEE MONSTERS!
And that fucker better have been talking about Buffy teh MOVIE and not teh TV.
I’m torn by this article. On the one hand, it may not be the absolute stupidest thing on the internets, but it’s definitely somewhere in the top ten, and that’s no mean accomplishment. On the other hand, I fucking hate this fucking Mormon Hot Topic fucking vampire fad and I want it gone. So if the assbags at NRO are willing to do my bidding for me in the mouth-breathers’ own native language, I’m inclined to allow them.
….So, this is about the NRO declaring war on Stephanie Meyers and her eternal virgin vampires, right? Damn, does this mean that I am about to agree with the premise of an NRO article?!?!?! I need a drink….
So Stephanie Myers wants to have Bin Laden’s children because one of her vampires doesn’t kill people? Peculiar assessment of Twightlight indeed.
In other words, vampires suck.
It’s a DOUBLE PUNK (2:00 in)
Whatever happened to 50 Cent? I miss him. Please come home, the baby is crying & I’ve run out of milk duds.
StrangelyBrown: Woof. Really between Scylla and Charybdis on this one, eh?
Also, I’ve always found Leslie Nielson sexy. DAMN LIBRULS YOU’RE CONFUSING ME I THOUGHT OLD WHITE MEN WERE EVIL AND REPUBLICAN.
Was it Anne Rice who got started by writing porn novels, then vampire novels, and now Jeebus novels? If so, she’s come full-circle
jerk.heroinmule:
If I wanted to read things written by adults, Wonkette certainly wouldn’t be my favorite site.
Never mind that Meyer can’t write “worth a darn,” as horror master Stephen King puts it.
It is to laugh. Pot, kettle? Anyone?
“Freud-besotted” is a term that won’t soon enough leave my lexicon.
Other than that, all I got from this was that the author is itching to kill somebody.
WHY are you otherwise brilliant WONKY editors always spending your time reading NRO? Have you truly nothing more pleasurable and edifying to read? Seriously. How about trying the Rapture Ready Newsletter?
Now that I know that Barry is a vampire, I want to see his Death Certificate.
Mitt Romney isn’t going to like this one bit, I tells ya. Not one bit.
I found it interesting that the NRO story had an ad for reviews of some colon cleansing techniques. 1) Oh, the irony! 2) who would want to actually read it?
queeraselvis v 2.0: Trust me…he writes a helluva lot better than she does. And when did Stephanie Meyer become the last word on vamp fiction, anyway? There are a thousand people out there writing about vampires, and not all of them are sexy vampires.
Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
“All three had brilliant white teeth that shone like pearls against the ruby of their voluptuous lips. There was something about them that made me uneasy, some longing and at the same time some deadly fear. I felt in my heart a wicked, burning desire that they would kiss me with those red lips … The girl went on her knees, and bent over me, simply gloating. There was a deliberate voluptuousness which was both thrilling and repulsive, and as she arched her neck she actually
licked her lips like an animal, till I could see in the moonlight the moisture shining on the scarlet lips and on the red tongue as it lapped the white sharp teeth. Lower and lower went her head as the lips went below the range of my mouth and chin and seemed to fasten on
my throat. Then she paused, and I could hear the churning sound of her tongue as it licked her teeth and lips, and I could feel the hot breath on my neck. Then the skin of my throat began to tingle as one’s flesh does when the hand that is to tickle it approaches nearer, nearer. I could feel the soft, shivering touch of the lips on the super sensitive skin of my throat, and the hard dents of two sharp teeth, just touching and pausing there. I closed my eyes in languorous ecstasy and waited, waited with beating heart.”
I think it is safe to say that Tony Woodlief has never read “Dracula.”
I thought this article would have been a far better read if they would have cut out everything after ‘Tony Woodlief’ except the last half of the last sentence.
shanemacgowan: here you go dude:
http://www.amazon.com/Death-Certificate-Ice-Cube/dp/B00008BL9W/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=music&qid=1238430547&sr=8-1
Is that pic from Nosferatu? GREAT movie.
This from the people who have twisted the bible to mean whatever they want on demand. Yet more of the same old conservative crap. It means what I say it means the end.
God they’re idiots!
ohgodohgodohgodohgodohgod it hurts. I spent too much fucking time in grad school. Reading that drivel gives me a stroke.
on the other hand, I want Stephanie Meyer and her creepy adolescent fantasy of the boy just on the verge of going out of control with desire for you, but you never have to worry about telling him no, to go away now.
Dracula was never sexual ? Then why not any old hag’s blood ? Had to be young Virgins…….rolls eyes.
Why would Hollywood make movies about unsexy vampires? Pirates are sexy, gangsters are sexy, spies are sexy, doctors, lawyers, teachers and cops are all sexy.
That’s why Hollywood is better than real life.
DeLand DeLakes: You would think the NRO crowd would be all pro “Twilight” because the subtext is that kids can’t have sex, the main female character is a helpless dolt who constantly needs to be saved by a much stronger male figure, and the writer is a Mormon style Jesus Freak?
ihasasad: Yeah, NOBODY disses Buffy.
So this is a slam against Tom Cruise in “Interview With A Vampire? I can get behind that. Granted, it’s about 15 years too late…
My take on the whole vampire thing is that it relates to rabies - thus the bat, the bite, the blood, the rage, etc. Seriously. All the fucking was added later by a repressed Victorian society’s desire to make everything about sex - except sex.
WTF is this article even about?
it doesn’t make any sense.
He’s pretty much dismissing the sexuality of Bram Stoker’s Dracula based upon snippets of book reviews from the time… He doesn’t quote the book at all!
comradepaulson: The Kirsten Dunst part had too much of a creepy pedopheliac feel to it and Cruise and Pitt came across as drac queens.
Hooray For Anything: You see, y’all are much more up on the “youth” culture of today. I checked out about ten years ago and I don’t have any kiddies of my own to keep me fresh. I only know “Twilight” from TV ads for the movie. And I was not so impressed.
MahFL: Gary Oldman was kinda sexy, in that you were comparing him to Keanu Reeves.
“Vampires, in these modern novels, are like gays and lesbians — people just like you and me who are marginalized only because of their sexual tastes.”
And we all know how being gay is super awesome with everyone in society. I mean, ROME IS BURNING, PEOPLEZ!
Vampires Suck.
mattym: That’s obviously because he’s never read the book (reading books by foreign authors who are not Winston Churchill is not allowed at the NRO)
mattym: Stoker was like best friends with Henry Irving, the great Shakespearean, who was the first stage Dracula. Irving injured himself and closed the production, but it is also surmised that he did so partly because he was freaked out by the explicitly sexual sucking on the neck of nubile, bangable young actresses. So there’s that.
Stoker? I just me ‘er!
Stoker? I just met ‘er!
MARCdMan: Not if they hit the carotid. No sucking necessary, believe me.
Johnetic: They also thought that Battlestar Galactica was a show that conservatives can get behind - y’know, the whole “Palin is Laura Roslin / McCain is Saul Tigh / Muslins are Cylons / let’s airlock all Muslins because that’s what Roslin would do!” - which is about as far from the truth as you can get. Once they figured out that BSG was meant to be a cutting commentary on post-911 neoconservatism, teh show just became another Liberal Mainstream Media thing for them to whine about.
Also, I thought they would have lurved Twilight. It was written by a Mormon gal, and it’s all about abstinence. In the subsequent books, or so my wife tells me, Edward never bites (read: has sex with) Bella until they marry. Plus Twilight is all about long, meaningful gazes and pining away for your loved one because you’re waiting for the Right Moment to get bitten. Hell, all they needed in the story was a Purity Ball and it would have been a perfect tale about abstinence.
So NRO is all butthurt because Edward doesn’t suck blood and is the Barack Obama of vampires? Or is it because the original Dracula was a Romanian noble dude who killed thousands of heathen Muslins by impaling them on stakes, and they want to see more of that, just for the lulz?
Is this what standing athwart History, yelling “STOP!” has come down to - whining about vampire movies?
Don’t forget Churchill was American on his mothers side.
National Review is widely considered to be the central outlet of intellectual thought and discourse for American conservativism.
President Beeblebrox: Actually, standing athwart History, yelling “STOP!” is always, to some extent, whining about vampire movies. It just used to be called “whining about the Beatles.”
shanemacgowan: http://beta.sling.com/video/show/80058/89/Blacula
“The Barry Obama (modern vampire) is coming to take away your girlfriend, and she kind of likes it. The Barry Obama (modern vampire) is the guy you wish you had been in high school, or the guy you wish you’d dated in high school, and Meyer has turned that into gold.”
President Beeblebrox: Really it’s more about pretending they have plausible deniability:
Person: What was all that bullshit I used to read in NRO about Iraq and how great the economy was doing under Bush?
NRO Rep: CAN’T CATCH ME FUCKER WEEZ MOOVY CRITIKS NOW
Lulz galore from the article. Just plug in “Wasilla, Alaska” and “Mayor Sarah Palin” and that’s monster movie change I can believe in.
“While many parents are fine with having their youngsters read the Twilight series and watch the accompanying movies, I think there might be some merit in recent fare like the horrifically bloody (and financially less successful) Thirty Days of Night, in which vampires descend on a remote town in Alaska [O RLY?] once they know daylight won’t return for a month. These creatures devour throats with viciousness, and the few townspeople who survive are saved only by the voluntary self-sacrifice of their leader. [YA RLY!]“
President Beeblebrox: Twilight is also completely retarded, is completely ludicrous if given more than a few seconds of thought, and the movie’s popularity owes most of it’s appeal because the guy is good looking. Which also makes it perfect for conservatives.
Hooray For Anything: You would get a big thumbs up from my fifth-grade daughter. When I asked her about friends recently, she spat out through clenched teeth “I don’t talk to them anymore, all they want to talk about is TWILIGHT!!!” It’s a widespread opinion.
Notice the appropriate use of all-caps, BTW.
Tra: Thanks. So, the problem with Woodlief is not just that he’s simple-minded; he’s also ignorant. In other words, a Limbaugh fan.
Sometimes Freud isn’t just your go-to guy for cigar jokes. GOP’s ego: I’m a godly Christian who thinks killing is wrong. GOP’s id: everyone who doesn’t think like me is a monster. GOP’s superego: “Because there are monsters, Virginia, and sometimes they just need killing.”
BillyClubb: I stopped reading at “Freud-besotted culture.” Yup, Hitler was right, we should have totally eliminated Jewish science.
Brendan M.: Pity.
“The trouble with this evolution is that fictional monsters serve a valuable cultural purpose.” Comicbook Guy could not have said it better.
When does Tony plan to move out of his parents’ basement.
If that dude gets all het up at Edward, the baby-faced vampire with a dead muskrat growing on his head, then he’s gonna really get twitterpated at Stephen Moyer and Alexander Skarsgård in HBO’s True Blood.
He might want to check out the scene where Vampire Bill (Moyer) “deflowers” Anna Paquin’s character.
Yes, it’s on You Tube - hint you must be 18 years or older to view.
This whole article is one giant WTF moment.
How pathetic a Conservatard ideologue do you have to be when you take it upon yourself to launch a half-assed, pseudo-intellectual critique of vampire fiction?
Holding Out for a Hero: Vampire Bill was a member of the Confederacy so they might not get to upset about him.
Geeze, Sara, how do you read the weird crap at NRO?
Has google gone ironic in its ad placement the last couple days? Is this some kind of April Fools gag? Examples:
-The NRO site has an ad right now for Reign of Blood, a free RPG Game
-Yesterday the Vauxhall ad on Wonkette’s GM CEO resigns article
Holding Out for a Hero: Your post got me all excited when I thought you said Bill Moyers was deflowering her.
I suppose all you libtards dont even remember that Bush put several billion dollars towards the fight against Vampirism in Africa.
Tra: Round-winner.
Also, check out these fantastic leaps of logic:
“…fictional monsters serve a valuable cultural purpose. They remind us that we live in communities, and that our communities must be defended from those who would rend them asunder.”
And then, “…there are monsters, Virginia, and sometimes they just need killing.”
So don’t you dare to try to look for terrorist/monster motives or they will fucking kill you! Kill or be killed!
It says all you need to know about the derangement at NRO that a vampire who sucks the blood of anything other than a human is called a vegetarian.
Hooray For Anything: That’s why I’m so confused. I would assume that conservatives would be spooging their shorts over any story that involves vampires that actually wait until marriage to fuck/drink blood, consequentially getting the girl instantly pregnant with a baby that saps all her energy, and then kills her so that it has to be chewed out of her belly by a werewolf! That’s like the ULITMATE fetus porn. I bet that the staffers at Pro-Life America fapfapfap to that shit all day long.
dasNeonlicht: Yeah, and the misuse of the “Yes, Virginia, there is a X” line by writing “there are monsters, Virginia, and…” is EPIC FAIL. That meme died around 1955 or so.
Writing about real, live, human-blood-sucking monsters has a useful purpose, though. It reminds us that Republicans and corporations exist.
Hope Woodlief never discovers “Let The Right One In…
it makes “Twilight” look like the trite tween-age
crap that it truly is
Speaking of issues of pressing importance to the right, where does Murphy Brown stand on vampires?
Bruno: and now, I’m getting a Virgin ad served for this post.
At this rate, we’ll be seeing trucknutz and dildo ads by the end of the week
I skipped to the end of that terrible article and found out it was just another book burning proposition. “The Twilight Series.” Whatever that is. Burn it. It’s sexy hurts me.
shanemacgowan:
Oh, Shane. I hart U most of all for that quip.
That’s a rilly cute picture of (St.) Rudy Gul911ani.
Hope he uses that for his next campaign.