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  • LOOK AMERICA, WE GAVE CITIBANK A PROFIT! It’s sexytime on Wall Street today, and around the world! That’s right, a Global Stock Rally. Citigroup jumped a whole 30 percent and is now worth 1.3 shits. You know why? Because they announced that they’re having the best profit outlook for any quarter in years! HMM… we have a sinking suspicion that some fuddledeedum went into that balance sheet, but meh, everyone’s rich again. BUY A HOUSE. [Bloomberg]

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

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  • Gallowglass

    1.3 shits? Who has that kind of scratch? Shit doesn’t grow on tree, I’m not made of shit, etc.

    But seriously, hooray for us leaving to poorhouse!

  • norbizness

    It must be from the newly approved “we can fuck up 193 ways from Sunday and the government still lards us with free money” business plan.

  • V572625694

    As a taxpayer, I’m proud to serve the stock- and bondholders of Citigroup. I’d say this management triumph calls for seven-figure bonuses all around!

  • CorkPopper


  • Dr. Zoidberg

    OMG! Like, I’m totally like in the middle of buying a house, and you are all, like, totally invited to come live with me, as I will totally need roommates and stuff to, like, make the mortgage payments!

    *seriously, I’m buying my first house, which should prove that I am insane*

  • Texan Bulldoggette

    Dammit. I was hoping they’d go under so I could quit paying my Citibank credit card bill!!

  • Lemming Caution

    I imagine getting rid of the vast majority of your employees would improve profit margins.

  • V572625694

    [re=261578]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: Yeah right, like that ever happens — your Citicard bill is the best asset on their balance sheet!

  • ManchuCandidate

    At the first hint of execufuck bonuses (for hookers and blow, naturally), perhaps the gubbiment should ask for ALL of their money back since Shittybank is, you know, profitable.

  • Scarab

    Great, finally the economic crisis is fixed. Can I stop paying attention now?
    Honestly, I just want to watch reality shows in my reclining chair.

  • Hooray For Anything

    Well, that was short. Can I have a job now?

  • Vanity Smurf

    I suppose Chrysler will announce a profit next.

  • Tommy Says Soooo, Jugdish!

    Spitzer? I barely even KNEW her!

  • Mr Blifil

    Yeah, but now all the good hookers have changed their numbers. I need somebody to slip me that scrap of paper like Sydney Pollack gives to Woody Allen in Mighty Aphrodite. Things like that never happen to me.

  • Lascauxcaveman

    [re=261571]Dr. Zoidberg[/re]: Well if you are earning, say $50K year, I say go for the JUMBO MORTGAGE, and grab that $800K McMansion waaaay out in the suburbs.

    It was like, $1.1 mil last year, so hey, bargain.

  • Vanity Smurf

    One suspicious little profit does not solvency make.

  • Texan Bulldoggette

    [re=261582]V572625694[/re]: That’s pretty sad, because I only owe them a couple hundred bucks!

  • shortsshortsshorts


  • Mr Blifil

    They only did this to give Jim Cramer something to point to while goes on every fucking news show and variety hour trying to save his job from the mean, hysterical Jews at Comedy Central.

  • TGY

    Haha, this is a good example of ‘mirage profit’, since it’s basically a ponzi scheme done to the federal gafferment. “Hey! Give me moneyz and buy my bad-assets: look, I win!” And, of course, nobody will go ballistic on a trading house floor over this. Lolfed did this as Why Does It Hurt to Sit?.

  • Mr Blifil

    [re=261571]Dr. Zoidberg[/re]: It’s a good move if you can afford it, what with the low rates right now. However since you are posting here you are probably one of the “losers.”

  • TGY

    Crap. Too slow on the ‘sumbit’ button.

  • Gopherit

    Haha!! Citibank is off the dollar menu finally! But for how long….for how long.

  • Holding Out for a Hero

    [re=261587]Hooray For Anything[/re]: Me too! Maybe we can apply at Citibank, they must be hiring!!

  • Vanity Smurf

    [re=261607]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: That’s down right un-Murkin, Bulldoggette. Your balance is approximately $7800 below the average patriotic ‘Murkin consumer. How can our parasitic financial behemoths survive with people like you ruining their business models? I bet you don’t even have an interest only adjustable rate mortgage for 8x income. Shame!

    If you pay it off you deprive them of an asset. I’m just sayin’….

  • V572625694

    [re=261607]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: Keep an eye out for tow trucks. ALL UR ASSETZ ARE BELONG 2 US!

  • skyinator

    They made a profit only because they jacked my interest rate up like 4,000 percentage points since my last statement. I know because I had a screaming match with someone named Josh in Customer Service (the new, Corporate America-style mafioso) on the phone, in which he gave me a choice to either pay up or close the account, which I cannot do because how would I feed my family?

  • problemwithcaring

    [re=261617]Gopherit[/re]: Limited time only.

  • S.Luggo

    [re=261628]skyinator[/re]: Credit card statements make excellent waffles.

  • Texan Bulldoggette

    [re=261623]Vanity Smurf[/re]: I actually have a 15-year mortgage at a fixed 5.5% that will be paid off in about 6 years (no equity re-financing or any of that shenanigan shit, either). Yeah, I wanted me a fancy, shiny new house but we decided we didn’t want a $3500+ mortgage (and we thought our kids might need to eat more than one meal a week). Just waiting for Barry’s stimulus check or our IRS refund to pay off Shitibank. Does all this mean I’m going to get my citizenship revoked?

  • Texan Bulldoggette

    [re=261628]skyinator[/re]: “Josh”, yeah right. I really like it when (from India) Indians try to adopt a non-Indian accent. Try getting technical support for your computer with a guy whose accent you can’t understand to start with garbled with him trying to speak like a Bostoner. It’s like spraying perfume on dog shit.

  • skyinator

    [re=261632]S.Luggo[/re]: I find they work quite well lining the litter box. Also.

  • AngryBlakGuy

    BONUSES! In 5…4…3…2…1!

  • skyinator

    [re=261636]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: In this case I believe “Josh” was a true blue-blooded Umerican because he referred to having me pay off the balance in full as “falling on the sword”. I don’t believe too many fureigners are familar with that particular vernacular.

  • Hooray For Anything

    [re=261620]Holding Out for a Hero[/re]: I don’t know if CitiBank will hire me as I failed “Building Financial Ponzi Schemes” in college.

    [re=261628]skyinator[/re]: BofA did that to me with my credit card and also kept on raising the minimum. As I was pretty close to having the credit card maxed out, the interest kept bumping me over the limit and then they charged me for being over the limit. I’m going to get BofA back, though, as I’m going to take all of money out of their bank and put it into a bank that’s more solvent. Like….ummm….ummmm…..

  • Texan Bulldoggette

    [re=261646]skyinator[/re]: You must have really pissed them off. I just get the spiel about buying that stupid insurance if you lose your job yada yada yada. Good luck!

  • Mr Blifil

    [re=261632]S.Luggo[/re]: Packed with fiber.

  • Vanity Smurf

    [re=261633]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: Travis County Commie.

  • S.Luggo

    [re=261633]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: 6 years? Hah. As Senator Bunning has said, by that time we’ll be living in Marxist-Leninist workers’ paradise and there will be no more private property or cars. So pay off your mortgage. Your home end being a commune for the poors, with their guns, wild doogs, meth needles and filthy, squalling babies, you doomed Das Kapitalist, you.

  • shortsshortsshorts

    [re=261636]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: CITI-zenship.

  • Texan Bulldoggette

    [re=261660]Vanity Smurf[/re]: Williamson County because we couldn’t afford hoity-toity Travis County.

    [re=261666]S.Luggo[/re]: Speaking of Sen. Jim “I’m such a big dick I could probably anally probe myself” Bunning, he may be looking for work next November.