Wonkette
Here is a SHOCKER regarding the holy trinity of American hobbies (religion, wingnut politics and pornography). It turns out that conservative Jesus Goblins are using up all of America’s precious porn reserves. A new study proves the “red states” consume so much (gay and interracial) naked sex media, it’s crazy! But is there another, hidden angle to this “Wingnuts Love the PR0N” journalistic revelation? Yes!
The evidence that McCain/Palin-supporting gay-marriage-banning church-going “AIDS might be God’s punishment for immoral sexual behavior”-believing Americans are the biggest consumers of pornography comes from a “new nationwide study of anonymised credit-card receipts from a major online adult entertainment provider.”
These people are paying for pornography, on the Internet.
They are absolute idiots.
The Internet is about 97.8% porn. It is impossible to avoid it. Children must be kept away from computers, lest they click upon some innocent smiley-face graphic that inevitably leads to “Adult Friend Finder.”
But if you’ve ever wondered who actually pays to see what most people spend all day at work trying to avoid, lest they be fired during this awful Greatest Depression, now you know: Sarah Palin supporters, jesus goblins and other Red State fools.
Utah is the nation’s biggest buyer of porno “subscriptions.”
Red Staters consume the most porn [ABC News]
So… I’m… a Conservative?
“These people are paying for pornography, on the Internet.”
They pay for sex too — at least the good kind.
I live across the street from three churches. It’s pretty easy to pick out the people who feel uncomfortably cleansed and need to run out and stock up on fresh sin.
This only proves that Jesus Goblins are stupid, which came with the Jesus Goblin-ery in the first place. The internet is awash in free porn… The delicious irony is that anyone stupid enough to buy porn online should be given free porn to keep them from trying to find an actual member of the opposite sex to procreate with.
I’d give anything to see the traffic figures for places like RedTube and Fleshbot, except for the horrifying number of times my own IP address would come up.
Really, is anyone surprised?
Obama’s going to take away your fisting videos!!!
These are also the states with the highest percentage of fat, ugly people.
I’m guessing the hits on the MILF sites skyrocketed last fall.
Lemme see. After Ted Haggard, Jim Baker, David Vitter, Larry Craig, Newt Gingrich, Bill Clinton, etc. I am SHOCKED I tell you. Just shocked about this news.
The McCain Trio tongue-bath animation never disappoints.
Vanity Smurf: Well, they do prop up the diaper industry.
Ken, you’re right: PAYING for INTERNET pr0n must be an exclusively-jesus goblin behavior. It’s almost like they secretly want to get caught…maybe it heightens the naughtiness factor?
Wait, wait…no, it really is just stupidity. What am I thinking?
Cape Clod: As a fat, ugly person I prefer to characterize myself as a “big, fat daddy”. Amazingly, it works for some people. Though I haven’t met any congressional pages yet.
Does Ann Coulter have a pay site?
Proof that sexual repression finds a way out, like a boil raising to the surface of a hairy, pimpled ass. Seriously, if you obsess about “sinners” and “sinning” all the time, it’s bound to be that you really want to get the progressively larger butt plug kit.
so now we know what the republican “stimulus” package consists of.
Cape Clod: This proves the famous Quagmire adage: Fat people need love too…they just gotta pay.
Hmm, so that’s why the office wingnut always says he has to go home and polish his gun…
There is another possibility - maybe it’s the minority 36% of muslin-loving abortionist Dem-voters who are buying porn in these states. I mean, come on, if you were a liberal and you lived in Utah, your options are pretty much down to:
a) Buy porn
or
b) Shoot oneself
To be fair, the bible doesn’t say anything about porn. Jesus is very forgiving as long as you are not gay.
shanemacgowan: The FDA banned it after this happenedthis happened to unfortunate test viewerstest viewers.
It’s all that sexual repression that runs rampant in Red States. If they could just accept that sex isn’t evil or wrong or sinful or immoral when it’s between two consenting adults, then maybe their sexual vices wouldn’t come spurting out like so much backed up spunk.
shanemacgowan: Ha ha, how much would you pay to see those implants dangling from that cadaver she calls a body?
Honestly it is astonishing that anyone would not be able to find all the free pr0n they could ever want on line.
I know I speak for many of us when I say that I feel safer when I see old men in assless chaps at the Pride Parade in West Hollywood than in Pastor Dick’s Bumblefuck, Tennessee basement.
loudmouthredhead: damn my redundancy!
Lest we forget, these are the people that invented and purchase the fleshlight.
OK, here’s the plan: let’s essentially ban sex, and then, in the limited circumstances when it is permitted, let’s make everyone so repressed that they cannot enjoy it, let’s not teach about how to prevent pregnancy, let’s ban abortion so we have teens with babies when they slip fromt he Godly path of abstinence. Oh, and let’s elect leaders who don’t believe in a social safety net, so teen mothers have a hard time feeding their babies and decide Oxy seems a better choice.
But! God says teh Intertubes pRon is OK, so go forth, and spend! (if you are male. Teh wimmens are not allowed to enjoy sex, since they are just walking wombs).
Family Values my ass.
The comments on the ABC website are precious.
“The study is flawed”
“ABC is drawing the wrong conclusion from the data”
“We pay for porn because we are more honest, liberals steal it, for free”
“Ya, we might buy porn, but LIBERALS LIVE A PORNOGRAPHIC LIFE”
shanemacgowan: If you’re into bestiality…
freakishlystrong: Read “Family Values: My ass.”
Well, given the popular red state options of kiddie diddling, incest, and rape that provide the other possible sexual outlets for your average jeebus goblin, I would say pr0n is definitely the lesser evil.
The Cold Sea: You mean the kit that has the “Jesus…”, “Christ!” and “OH GOD YES!!!” sizes, that’s sold at Red-state Walmarts in the “Religious Icons” aisle? Maybe a non-ReThuglitard like you should start small, with Baby Jesus…
Sussemilch: Are your churches anything like the ones we have here in #6-in-home-broadband-users Arkansas? They’re gargantuan. They built one on the freeway, and then another congregation decided they could out-ostentatious the other guys, and built one twice as big. Locals call it “Six Flags Over Jesus.”
GOD HATES FREE PORN!!
Every discovery spawns more questions. In this case, what was the porn category of choice amongst Wingnuts?
Reading a study about porn, rather than looking at the (free) porn itself is not interesting to me, so thank you for summarizing. What is scary is there is what like a few million people in Utah? Its kind of like Alaska right? (Only religious fanatics and wingnuts live there…). Was the study on a per-capita basis or probably more correctly just pure revenues?
I guess we can add this to the list of the most favorite things that hard-working Americans want to spend their hard-earned dollars on instead of taxes. Har Har I said “hard”. TWICE!
Of course there’s a Hidden LIE-BRUL AJENDA…. the Lie-brul “media” call it “Reporting the facts and objectively telling the truth” - as if you Lie-bruls could possibly know the truth without Our All-Amurikin Jeebus letting you in on it!… STUPIT LIBBS!!!11!!
jagorev: or, if you are a wayward young Utah Mormon lady like Belladonna, c) become a noted gonzo porn actress.
Giving porn away free is socialist! Good porn you have to pay for. BTW, I love the “Democratic Stimulus Package” softporn ad - may they bless you with many long revenue streams
*Ahem* GHOPAC would like to remind conservative readers (if there are any, which is doubtful) that you can save all that money you waste on pixillated porn pleasure (kinda catchy!) for the real thing. Diapers, however, are still extra.
loudmouthredhead: Sad, isn’t it? No, wait. It’s not.
gjdodger: I hope said churches were built in the last few years at a heavy premium to the market value (skimming off the construction costs), with heavily discounted mortgages whose repayments have tripled in the last few years.
gjdodger: Plus you’ve already got that giant Jeebus of the Ozarks or whatever, right?
Bruno: One suspects that a close reading of the underlying data might reveal some flaws or prejudice in the study design. But fuck that, we want to believe it!
Bruno: and big steaming piles of Profits!!
This is all because Wonketeer ‘Facehead’ turned them into Redtube users when he posted the “Conservative Internet” suggestion on Rebuildtheparty.com
NoWireHangers: “assless chaps” ??? [checks closet] … Are there any other kind?
Servo: It’s probably a tight race between interracial gangbangs and Bel Ami.
Who, me? Fleshbot? That’s why the peep-o-meter over there is usually like, 17438 views; 2 comments. Oh, the shame.
Free porn is like shared weed. I’ve never turned down an offered fatty.
I dunno, for some reason, this doesn’t surprise me, look at the pRon and hypocrisy that went on at CPAC just now.
Vanity Smurf: Well, I guess I was trying to describe something along these lines:
http://www.culturebully.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/01/David%20Lee%20Roth%20Assless%20Chaps.jpg
Red State Reading List:
100 People Who Are Screwing (And Al Franken is #37)
A Bold Fresh Piece of Ass
Opening of the American Legs
If Democrats Had Any Porn, They’d be Republicans
The Closing of the American Zipper
The Porn Driven Life
How I Accidentally Joined the Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy (and Found Stacks of Hard-Core Shit).
It’s kind of like the old, old joke about why you never invite one Mormon fishing (he’ll drink all your beer). Similarly, don’t invite one to an interacial gangbang, uh, either?
So the Christ Potatoes are actually… Super Tubers?
Really, this is more about IQ then sex right?
As far as I am concerned, nothing is a fact until Nate Silver says its a fact.
Mustang: The Republicans are going to have to spend some time anal-yzing these data.
When you only get the real thing once or twice a year, in the dark, in slience, and in the same position, you have to fill the time somehow
Johnathon Krohn is starting a website this very moment.
Servo: Highly fetishistic stuff like shemale-on-female, fisting, and, of course, the Little White Chicks/Big Black Monster Dicks series.
Ah, too soon do we get the best news story of ALL TIME — the Montgomery, AL Baptist Falwell-disciple, mega-church pastor found dead wearing TWO rubber diving suits and with a dead fish hiding in his, uh, intestines.
http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/years/2007/1008072scuba1.html
Colander: I was going to say that it looks like Jonathan Krohn discovered where his mother keeps her credit card.
“I’ll show you conthervatithm!”
That, or Jonathan is the father of Bristol’s baby! *gasp!*
The Cold Sea: There’s always a way out.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-OYTFsnXcvs
When i was living in Nashville, I was always astonished at how many adult bookstores and strip clubs operated in such a small city. The red-light district was a few blocks from the arena, where almost every Saturday night there was a bible convention or promise-keepers rally. Now I know who was helping keep the lights on in those businesses. Oh, and the arena was called the Gaylord Center for a while.
Peanut Inspector: You just made my day. Thank you!
bitchincamaro: Why does forced repression always, SOMEHOW, eventually involve the anus? Can someone explain that too me? HENGH?!
How dare you bash these patriotic U.S. Americans who are only trying their hardest to stimulate their economies!
I just did this drill with my kid on Saturday… If you ever get lost and need help - you can trust skateboarders, bartenders and protesters. If anyone talks to you and you think they might be republican or a clergy member - kick them in the balls and run.
Sussemilch: Mmmm. Fresh sin.
Today, we are all conservatives.
Peanut Inspector: Understandably, from the congregation’s perspective, the most embarrassing factoid in the coroner’s report is evidence of “frontal balding”.
Doglessliberal: “OK, here’s the plan: let’s essentially ban sex, and then, in the limited circumstances when it is permitted, let’s make everyone so repressed that they cannot enjoy it, let’s not teach about how to prevent pregnancy, let’s ban abortion so we have teens with babies when they slip fromt he Godly path of abstinence.”
That sounds like the Taliban, Saudi Arabia and Iran. Damn muslins
bitchincamaro: I would have blushed at “unremarkable neck”
Be fair. The Red Staters are scooping up the porn from the intertubes before it reaches America’s children. It’s a dirsty job, but someone has to do it. I salute their self-sacrifice. http://netcool.files.wordpress.com/2007/08/rudy-drag-cigar.jpg
shanemacgowan: Pron and Man at Yale.
I am not coming back until that animation is gone.
Holy *&@&^%@, Layne.
bitchincamaro: There were two really sweet aspects of the story that were unmentioned in the autopsy report:
1) The Babtists suggested that he had been murdered then set up in his little clown costume to “embarrass Christians”
2) The church removed the pictures of the deacons dressed as The Village People singing YMCA (seriously!) from the church web site.
Doglessliberal: Wasn’t that the Bush Doctrine.
Drill Baby Drill.
twowheeljunkie: Well, apparently the Bush doctrine is to search for ‘bush bashing’ on teh Googles.
My first thought was “Of course people who rail against porn are constantly watching it. That’s like the same folks going on about teh evils of buttsecks are all gayer than a five dollar bill.”
But I’ve never paid for porn so maybe they’re on to something(like their invisible Skyfather-Rapture-hang out with Reagan for all eternity thing). Maybe these pay sites are full length Karl Rove gangbang videos or Douglas Feith being beaten by a mob of brown people.
OOOOOOKLAhome, where the porn comes sweeping down the plain.
hockeymom:
Pretty fucking pathetic.
Seriously, I’d be curious as to what sites Cons look at. Probably stuff that would make the Marquis De Sade vomit in disgust.
So is “Left Behind” porn for religiotards? Sure sounds like it.
well, they always have….
When I was coming out (to myself) on the campus of BYU, I wondered if anyone noticed the strong correlation between the Orwellian “anti-sex” leagues detailed in the novel 1984, and the strong anti-porn campus political clubs.
No one did. Fucking mouth-breathing Mormons.
For my Atlanta peeps:
There is a porn shop right on Peachtree Industrial Blvd. that has a full-time massive billboard devoted to Jesus right above it.
America. Fuck yeah!
So, according to this study, porn is most popular in the states with the highest livestock-to-human ratios.
Naked Bunny with a Whip:
Where the women are few, the men are plenty and the sheep are scared?
Be afraid of the sexual habits of the residents of Utah. A friend of mine had to shop in SLC for another friend’s bachelor party novelties. Upon entering the local adult shop, he found LDS literature sandwiched between the Jesus Dildoes and the self-catheterization kits. Freaks, the lot of them.
Peanut Inspector: Atheism: 1; Religiosity: 0
Are those Utah Mormons watching all that porn with their vanity patches still on?
Damn. OOOKLAhoma–I can spell my porn-crazed state’s name. I know for a fact that my husband isn’t represented in the porn-buying group because he just uses the free sites. I know when he does it, because he scowls at me if I get near the screen when he’s on the computer. Plus, his always empties the cache.
That said, it is impossible for anyone to know the happy this news give me. Avenue Q maybe have to change trekie monster to Xian monster: “The internet is for porn, the internet is for porn, grab your dick and double click for porn, porn porn.”
The Cold Sea: It’s like being on a diet and sitting in Starbucks drinking black coffee and staring at the half-an-apricot in puff pastry yummy food and telling yourself it’s evil, it’s fattening it’s–I have to have it! Now!
But not confessing it at Weight Watchers.
It’s a trap! - specifically, a Satanic one:
http://www.conservapedia.com/Pornography
hockeymom: I hand’t bothred with the comments. Those are great. At least we pay for it? No wonder these people think Rush Laffbaugh is god.
gjdodger: ““Six Flags Over Jesus.””
Wait a minute–that’s what I call the flags that line the entry to ORU.
V572625694: “iant Jeebus of the Ozarks ”
You mean Milk Carton Jesus? If only his head rotated and contained a restaurant, he would be even cooler.
Naked Bunny with a Whip: “Left Behind” porn for religiotards”
We studied Rapture theology at our discussion group at my little United Methodist church last night. Basically, those giant churches and the wingnuts who attend them base their entire religion on the “Rapture” which has as much Biblical authority as The DaVinci Code. And they don’t have Tom Hanks who, even with crap hair, is cool, so they lose.
You mean angry misfits living in their mom’s basement listening to Rush Limbuagh view on-line porn?
Colander: “Johnathon Krohn”
Want to bet that kid has knocked his girl friend by the time he’s 18? Unless he’s gay, of course.
shortsshortsshorts: “To be fair, the bible doesn’t say anything about porn.”
Of course I had to google ‘bible porn’ after reading this…
• Matthew 5:28 “If a man looks on a woman to lust after her, he has committed adultery with her already in his heart.” Translation: Today, we are all Jimmy Carter.
• Psalm 101:3 “I will set no unclean thing before my eyes.” Translation: TRUCK NUTZ
• Ephesians 5:5 “For this ye know, that no whoremonger, nor unclean person, nor covetous man, who is an idolater, hath any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God.” Translation: Christians who look at porn = fUx0rEd
• Revelation 21:8 “But the fearful, and unbelieving, and the abominable, and murderers, and whoremongers, and sorcerers, and idolaters, and all liars, shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone: which is the second death.”
Translation: The entire Republican party is going to hell, along with all the little girls who love the Jonas Bros. and David Blaine.
Peanut Inspector: Don’t knock it till ya tried it.
DustBowlBlues: knocked up his girl friend. I should proofread better, but this story has me too happy. I knew those creepy Jesus Goblins who populate the place were up to something. Like Kate Monster, I hate porn.
stew: Yes, but only for the moral outrage… and masturbating…
Bearbloke:
Exactly! It’s just for research people! You know, so they know what the rest of us are into. I mean, the rest of you…I don’t look at that stuff! That would be sexist, and sexism is wrong. OK, I maybe looked once, but for the same reason. Research.
i think some of the high number of online purchases can be accounted for by a lack of actual porn shops. resourceful wankers!
the high florida numbers are probably all about skittish Oldsters, especially the Lady-Oldsters. which is awfully cute, i think.
Well maybe they’ve looked at porn but they never unzipped! How many Mormons and Christians have wiped the jizz off their screen with bible pages that they then set on fire and consumed while still smoldering as penance? None - that’s how many. Oh how I wish I could see the Utah traffic on gay sites. I want IP address info for every fucker who helped pass Prop 8 so I can ring their doorbell with a message of hope and wonder. Or maybe I’ll just jerk off in their mailboxes.
masterdebater: Before the internet, men were just buying the mags for the interviews.
When you travel east on I-80 from Salt Lake City, the minute you hit the Wyoming border, it’s all liquor marts and adult book stores (We have truck parking!). Those poor, horny, sober Mormons.
When the visit porn sites, it isn’t their fault. The devil got in them. When little Xian girls get pregnant because they didn’t plan ahead because it’s a sin, the devil tempts them and it isn’t their fault.
Basically, modern conservatism is about never taking responsibility for anything you do whether it’s a fuckup–like the war, or watching porn, though you know it’s bad.
They’re one big version of Geraldine.
Red State patriots are supporting the economy.
Atheist Nun: And I love the part where Lot offers his virgin daughters to the men of Sodom rather than let them assfuck the two angels who visit.
DustBowlBlues: Do home schooled kids get access to girlfriends? Guns yes. Girls bad.
kinda gives a whole new meaning to “Drill Baby! Drill!”
As I never tire of pointing out, cretin is an old French word for Christian…
Atheist Nun: Actually, the God of the Israelites approves of watching porn. At least, straight porn. In Proverbs, chapter 30, verses 18 and 19: “There be three things which are too wonderful for me, yea, four which I know not.” “The way of an eagle in the air; the way of a serpent upon a rock; the way of a ship in the midst of the sea; and the way of a man with a maid.”
There, hope that helps. My spiritual advisor, the Rev. Raymond Lawrence, agrees with this interpretation.
What disturbs me most about the attached image is the Walnuts Head in the lower left that is in the throes of ecstasy.
Also the W.H. in the upper left gets no love. Can’t a Walnuts Head get a reacharound at least???
Atheist Nun: “Take the little girls FIRST, Lord!! Not your humble, faithful, but demon-tempted servants like meeeee!!!!!!!!!!!
chascates: I’ll admit, much like Alex in A Clockwork Orange, I only read the bible for the violence and sex.
Zorg: christians don’t want to hear that porn is acceptable, because then it’s not dirty and shameful and they can’t have orgasms, or something.
Somehow, this brings me back to that picture of Romney snapping on the rubber gloves. Now you *know* he knows what he’s doing. His screen name is probably something like “LDSFistMaster09.”
McGomer: I particularly liked how the first “reference” supposedly supports the statement that pornography causes violence against women. If you check the reference, it doesn’t say that at all.
They have to pay for it? What fucktards…
Victor Von Doom PhD: They have to pay for it? What fucktards…
I’d have to agree with that. Possibly they’re after stuff that’s raunchy in very selective ways, and the per-pay sites offer them the convenience of explicit selection without the need to search actively or with any real knowledge of information technology.
Religious true believers tend to be methodologically impaired.
Once you’ve committed yourself to the Sky Pixie, even the most remotely scientific reasoning falls into the realm of anathema.
=====
“Making fun of born-again Christians is like hunting dairy cows with a high powered rifle and scope.”
– P.J. O’Rourke
shanemacgowan: http://www.wingnuttrannies.com
shortsshortsshorts: To quote mr. lou reed “Senator, in the name of family values, we must ask, whose family?”
i love these comments.
“Besides, people who PRACTICE PORN don’t need porn.”
That’s right. Porn is an essential component of a moral life.
In fact God gave us porn to free us from our pornographic living.
That’s not a barely legal slut getting DP’d on a couch.. it’s an angel.
for some reason i though of this:
“To get back my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early or be respectable.” - Oscar Wilde
yet another example of “sexual” oppression leading to revolt… !
shortsshortsshorts: Looking at gay porn is cool though, you’re just studying/beating off to the act of sin, or something. Jesus ain’t mad.
The Walnut Heads are back! The longer you look at these licking ecstasy-ridden bastards the funnier they get.