Wonkette
WHY DID GOD CAUSE THE FINANCIAL MELTDOWN? “You’re not just losing your job and your house and your future, but you won’t even need a future, because Jesus is coming back to kill us all.” [AOL Political Machine]
WHERE'S YOUR GOD NOW?
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I thought only the heathens were supposed to suffer.
Why dost though mite me lord, with thine phallic shaped rod of righteousness?
The USA is TOO mentioned in the Bible! It is just spelled differently: Gommorah.
Come on, there’s got to be some re-writing of the Bible that mentions USA, the greatest economic power in the history of the world. Why would Jeebus have lived with the foreigns?
Perhaps the Mormons have the answer I’ve been looking for?
…nothing like a good ‘ol fashioned smiting!
Snuggies. The new uniform of our socialist muslin hobo jungle utopia.
hobgoblin of little minds: and, perfect to drink in:
http://wonkabout.wonkette.com/406501/the-first-annual-dc-snuggie-pub-crawl/?from=wonkette_post
Bruno: You know the Mormons have this figured out. It has to do with American Indians being one of the Lost Tribes of Israel, and the Second Coming occurring somewhere in Missouri. It all makes sense. Plus, we’re all Spirit Babies before we’re born, and after we die we’re reunited with our wives…all of them. Lord help us all!
…just so that you guys know; anyone who is raptured, I’m taking your shyt!
AngryBlakGuy: but, really, how much cool shit could they have? They probably divested and have been living in empty houses, planning for the Rapture.
Or, they have buttloads of widescreen TVs, DVRs, other expensive electronic crap, big SUVs, etc, because why not consume the hell out of the country using credit cards when Jeebus is coming to take you away? In that case, happy looting!
I don’t really believe Ken Layne looks anything like that.
The AOL comments are disturbingly free of wingnuttery (just the touchingly earnest Ruby). Maybe the Rapture just happened? I’m pretty sure nobody at my job would be whisked up to heaven, so I’d never know.
That preacher from OK probably thinks the earth is flat & that dancing=sex standing up. But it’s okay to be a racist, homophobic, sexist pig.
OK. First God creates Man in His image, meaning whatever faults man has he gets from God. Then God puts man & woman into a garden where everything is OK BUT that one apple which makes you realize you’re really naked.
Then, no surprise, when man & woman eat said apple God gets all pissy and condemns billions of people to misery because He set all this up.
Later, God gets religion, sets one group of people as his chosen and has them kill everyone they come into contact with.
New version, new testament, new deal. God sends His Son to redeem mankind’s sins (the ones that God [who made man like Himself] set them up for). Instead of simply forgiving people and moving on God sets up His Son to be arrested and crucified. And sets up His chosen people to get the blame, even though the Romans did the crime and His Son is actually one of the chosen people.
Now, after all of this, in the late 1800s some preacher came up with this Rapture deal to increase his own popularity and now it’s this religious urban myth.
So we have this non-existent horribly angry Space Giant who really is to blame for all of this but who demands the people who created to suffer so that they can spend eternity sucking up to him. And to make sure you get on the stairway to heaven you have to pretend to listen to Rick Warren, Ted Haggert, James Dobson, and every other closeted fuckwad.
The Flying Spaghetti Monster is far more plausible and a more rational deity.
Texan Bulldoggette: Ah, but to him, there is no “racist” or “homophobic”. That is just right thinkin’ and gettin’ right with the Lord, you have there.
“WHY DID GOD CAUSE THE FINANCIAL MELTDOWN?”
Well, I believe the bible is clear that we are suffering because god knew we would vote the way we did, and we, therefore, deserve it….Or it was the gays. I’m not really strong with my scriptures.
Look, all you losers: Jesus, he’s my friend. He took me by the hand, led me far from this land.
Well, he’d fucking BETTER, if the Rapture is coming.
I’m not really strong with my scriptures.
or eating at Red Lobster.
Elsa5:03PMFeb 24th 2009
I love this quote:
“We’re closer than we’ve ever been [to the rapture],” LaHaye said.
Well, assuming it’s still in the future and we’re still moving forwards in time, this is true. We are also closer than we’ve ever been to colonizing Mars.
True.
the “jedinight” strikes again.
There will never a second cumming. Space Jesus u-turned his flying saucer back to his galaxy when he took a second look at earth and his psychotic followers like Fred Phelps and Tim LaHaye.
and of course, a classic quote follows soon after this disclosure:
JediNight695:26PMFeb 24th 2009
GOD HATES LIBRERALS, THATS WHY. ITS THE LUDICRISES, BEYONCES ALSO SEAN PENNS OF THE WORLD WITH THIER HOLLYWOOD LIFESTLYE AND HOMOEROTICK SIN STIRRING THE WRATH OF JESUS AND GOD. I HOPE NOBAMA IS READY TO FACE JESUS BECAUSE HE DOESNT EXCEPT MUSLINS AND TERRIRISTS.
I had no idea there was a plural form of Ludacris.
El Pinche: I hope JediNight69 gets some spelling skills when he gets to Gloryland.
PsycGirl: Shouldn’t it be Ludicri?
chascates: And I doubt “69″ means “1969″ .
Ludacri?
No, you are all wrong. Check out the Rapture movie with Mimi Rodgers (1991). There is a clear trumpet call while the walls are falling down and if you choose Jebus you are good to go to heaven. (Plus with the falling walls, etc you can actually see heaven at that point.) So, fine to go with the buttsex and the lobster tails UNTIL THE TRUMPET CALL. Easy peasy. Cept Mimi was so mad at God because he told her to sacrifice her babies in the desert that she didn’t want to go.
I really I’m starting to believe Blago is the Messiah–I mean, look at that hair, my god–and the taint…it’s immaculate.
Hedley Lamar: No. It’s Ludacris. Like moose.
snideinplainsight: And, lo, G-d made Ken Layne in His image: Angry, bearded and wearing Nu-Wave sunglasses… and there was much rejoicing in heaven, where they partook of massive quantities of drugs and alcohols, ‘cuz all dat good shit be legal there, which is totally righteous. Amen.
peachgirl:
I forgot about the trumpet. Guess I need to get some more Boy Butter™ after all.
Why? teh gays, obvi. The whole homosexual agenda in our schools and churches.
That and the muslins.
Ken, were you at the conference? Wow. I was driving by that very Calvary emporium event when the throngs of churchies were spilling out, blocking traffic.
Does Xenu know about these plans?
What is “AOL”?
PsycGirl: JediNight has to be a Wonketteer doing some warblogging with hilarious consequences. Using “muslin” is a dead giveway. Or AOL has the dumbest of the dumb. Or both. Fuck it; I’m confusing myself. Who wants tacos?
JediNight695:26PMFeb 24th 2009
GOD HATES LIBRERALS, THATS WHY. ITS THE LUDICRISES, BEYONCES ALSO SEAN PENNS OF THE WORLD WITH THIER HOLLYWOOD LIFESTLYE AND HOMOEROTICK SIN STIRRING THE WRATH OF JESUS AND GOD. I HOPE NOBAMA IS READY TO FACE JESUS BECAUSE HE DOESNT EXCEPT MUSLINS AND TERRIRISTS.
OK. I’m going to go ask nicely: which one of you wrote this? It’s so precious it almost made me cry.
“Read the scriptures, folks, things will get a lot worse before they get better. So, yay famine! Yay pestilence! Yay war! Yay death! Yay G. W. Bush!”
Now this is a good one: pestilence, war, death, and Bush on the same sentence.
kudzu: It’s about time. It took you guys long enough.
“Muslins”, the abuse of “also”.
El Pinche: Rascal! In my defense, the local chain had Columbia Crest Grand Estate cab sav at half price.
V572625694: You forgot to add the part about people being black because their ancestors sinned. It goes a long way towards explaining that cult’s appeal with the GOP.
Dadgummit, I linked to this article in anticipation of reading the usual freakshow of AOL comments, only to find that Wonktards had immediately snapped up all the good real estate below the column. Down boys, I need my weekly dose of lulz from the geniuses at work on the AOL message boards!
DeLand DeLakes: I heartily agree. I used to so look forward to those comments, or at least Layne’s Wonkette posting of the juiciest ones but it’s been disappointing lately. Wonketteers, keep your shenanigans over here, and let the AOL types go to town. Thank you and good night.