Wonkette
It’s the Presidents’ Day Sale Day, of course, which is why you’re not at work reading Wonkette. But experts say the federal holiday is actually to remember one of the first American presidents, George Washington. Let’s remember the good times and the bad, like when his 300 African slaves tried to kill his wife.
Before America became a proud land of drooling illiterate halfwits (1981), all U.S. citizens knew the basic story of George Washington, who led the terrorist insurrection against the Tory Empire and eventually seized control of the United States just as modern-day terrorists won the presidency in November.
In the old, weird America, schoolchildren would learn a simple, romanticized biography of Washington, and later in life they might learn “an inconvenient truth” or two about the Father of Their Country. Did he really have a mouthful of demon amulet teeth plucked from Masonic goats? And what was wrong with his sperm? At the earliest Presidents’ Day Sales, this is the kind of hot gossip people would exchange.
But these days, nothing at all is known of Washington, so we can just present a random selection of obscure facts and call it his “official biography.” Here is why you need to know about Him!
- Washington loved having all those enslaved blacks doing his labor. When he was first president in Philadelphia – yes, Philadelphia had its own president back then — Washington cleverly (and illegally) rotated his slaves back and forth to Virginia so they wouldn’t stay in Philly long enough to win their freedom under Pennsylvania law.
- But at least two of his slaves escaped to “Philadelphia Freedom,” which became a hit song for Elton John.
- Those two who ran to freedom were named Oney Judge and Hercules.
- When he died, he willed that all of his slaves be released … but not until his wife Martha also died. So the slaves obviously were going to kill her. Martha’s gal pal Abigail Adams explained that Martha “did not feel as tho her Life was safe in their hands.” Ha, because as soon as they murdered her, they’d be free!
- So Martha let them go in 1801, more than a year after George died, and immediately after she figured out the slaves had nearly burned down the Mount Vernon mansion while she was locked inside.
- But she didn’t free all the 316 slaves, because half of them “belonged” to her other dead husband, Daniel Parke Custis.
- She fucked Daniel enough to produce four children, but didn’t have any kids by George, who was actually in love with another gal, Sally Fairfax.
- Also he was sterile from having the tuberculosis and the smallpox.
- Which is why the era’s weird doctors made him swallow a lot of poisonous mercuric oxide, which made his teeth fall out.
- Which is why he wore painful dentures made of hinged hippo-and-elephant ivory plates and real true teeth from dead humans, pigs, horses and donkeys.
- As a result of the terrible pain in his mouth, he was an opium/laudanum addict his whole adult life.
- The Father of Our Country was utterly obsessed with cleaning toilets.
- But what do Ron Paul’s friends at the Ludwig Von Mises Institute have to say about President George Washington?
- “Generalissimo Washington: How He Crushed the Spirit of Liberty,” of course!
“Let’s remember the good times and the bad, like when his 300 African slaves tried to kill his wife.”
Was that one of the good times or the bad times? I’m confused.
Also Viva Tom the Tinker, down with the Generalissimo!
“In a few short months, Washington had succeeded in extirpating a zealous, happy, individualistic people’s army, and transforming it into yet another statist army, filled with bored, resentful, and even mutinous soldiery.”
Wha…WTF? The Colonials were the 18th-century equivalent of the Peoples’ Liberation Army before Generalissimo George got his hands on them?
Those zany Libertarians … always coming up with new theories, like how Abe Lincoln hated teh blacks and was a big-government librul.
Henngh? You don’t have to go to work today? Damned DC elites.
You forgot the part where he cut down the cherry tree and shoved it up Hercules’ ass. George Washington was the first true Republican.
“His primary aim was to crush the individualistic and democratic spirit of the American forces.”
Armies that are characterized by “individualism and democratic spirit” are generally referred to as “speedbumps.”
And Winston Churchill was an alcoholic and an arch-imperialist.
shanemacgowan: Armies that are characterized by “individualism and democratic spirit” are generally referred to as “speedbumps.”
Or poorly organized armed mobs.
Libertarians can’t help showing what dickheads they are. The would rather lose a war than win it the non-libertarian way.
“Before America became a proud land of drooling illiterate halfwits (1981)”
Nice to see a number on it.
Let it also never be forgeten old George was a cannabis farmer. From his diary:
May 12-13 1765: “Sowed Hemp at Muddy hole by Swamp.”
August 7, 1765: “…began to seperate [sic] the Male from the Female Hemp at Do…rather too late.”
(to increase THC potency)
So it’s another President’s Day Monday. I ain’t got shit to do. I ain’t got no job, I’m gonna get high, just like the beloved father of our country.
donner_froh:
Sometimes I get the impression that Libertarians would prefer to live as amoebas. Fuck that cooperation shit.
The Original King George’s ‘War on Terror’ was a dismal and costly failure, also. You would think people would learn from history.
Watch ‘The Madness of King George’ and ‘W’ back-to-back.
1776 dental plan
Monsieur Grumpe:
#$%^!!moran@@@@@*
http://www.nd.edu/~sheridan/Baltimore%202006/Baltimore%202006-Images/15.jpg
On the plus side he grew hemp and brewed his own beer.
“Officers could not enforce their wills coercively on the soldiery. This New England equality horrified Washington’s conservative and highly aristocratic soul.”
How the hell do they expect this to work?
“All right, men! Attack!! And that is a politely phrased request from one equal to another!”
ManchuCandidate: Sadly, amoebas would be an improvement; in truth, they want to be residents of the Confederate States of America.
Cape Clod: I believe that an officer in an army formed in accord with Dr. Murray N. Rothbard’s vision would more likely say something to the effect of “Holy Shit! Here they come! Run!”
I heard that motherfucker had like 30 goddamn dicks.
All these damnable dead white men building empires, forging nations, exploring the natural world and creating so much art and music, how dare they! All these pursuits are clearly racist, sexist and involve a lot of hate-speach… Just imagine, without these bastards acting out their horrors throughout history we could now be warm and safe in our wattle and mud hut watching our children die of an infestation of internal parasites.
Internally valid: http://www.idkwtf.com/videos/latest-videos/washington-six-foot-eight indeed! Best way to celebrate President’s Day I know of.
Mitchbailey: As you’ll see, he also invented cocaine.
shanemacgowan: Yeah, I don’t think those mad WoW skilz are going to amount to much once the lead starts flying.
So his teeth basically looked like Lemmy’s. Awesome.
kickingthecrap: Yes, every year we gather up all the loose children we can lay our hands on give them cookies promise them puppies and make them listen up.
I’m at work today. May all of those of you who are not eat a bag of dicks.
There was nothing wrong with Washington’s sperm. He was in fact very virile, and was secretly implanted with eight embryos to become the nations first “octomom.”
And those embryos went on to become the first Supreme Court Justices.
Cape Clod: Yeah, this is why I never play pick up basketball with libertarians. Damn ball hogs.
CivicHoliday: The new zeitgeist is you’re supposed to be happy to have a job to go to today. Pretty ironic, considering your screen name. Also.
Mitchbailey: Does that mean I get to the ‘Father of the Nation’ also?