Wonkette
GO TO BED, AMERICA, YOU’RE RICH AGAIN! The Senate passed the Stimulation 60-38, and the House passed it too, the end. [Washington Post]
NEW NEW NEW DEAL
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We need to tell the House GOP to just go home. They won’t be needed anymore until they win an election.
I am Barack Obama, Millionaire. I own a mansion and a yacht!
At long last, a chance to live on the dole! When are we getting our checks?
Go to bed, go directly to bed, do pass Congress, do pass $787 billion dollars.
Canz buy cheeseburger?
Can’t we just give up and break into four regions like that Russian said?
Finally, my money for nothing and my chicks for free.
Hot damn, I’m going start sending in all those credit card applications I have been holding off sending.
“Looking good, Billy Ray!”
“Feeling good, Louis!”
Please tell me one of the stimulus provisions was a daily 30-minute video-conferencing tai bo class led by Barack, to be held at all high school gyms across the nation before classes. It would cut down the national health care costs by like 20% by the start of his second term.
I just want a job. $10-12 an hour and insurance. I don’t might working outside or getting dirty. I’m cool with building up an intercity neighborhood or fixing up a bridge. I just want to know that I can cover my bare needs and do something to move this country forward.
I doubt I’m the only one that feels that way although most people wouldn’t sell themselves so cheaply.
Why yes thank you. I will see the desert menu.
Christ, it is like Monopoly.
Community Chest
“Senate votes for stimulus package, get $1000 US America bucks.”
Chance
“HHS appointee fails to pay taxes on chauffeured car. Go Back two spaces.”
Cheney took all the GET OUT OF JAIL FREE CARDS.
The Repubes are the Shoe (who the fuck wants to be the Shoe?)
Barry put hotels on Boardwalk, Park Place, all the green spaces while the GOP only runs the Short Line and BO Railway.
And the US America Dollar is now worth the same as Monopoly Money.
SWEET. I was running out of pages from Ron Paul’s last book to wipe my ass with. THIS IS umm, AWESOME!
Also. It is (fail) the total success of bi-partisanship. Also.
SloppyCronkite: And they get Alaska back, but they have to take Palin and all those kids with the idiot names. Trig, Track, Douche, Dip, Vagina and Bristol.
ManchuCandidate: Hey, there were worse things to be than the shoe. I always had to be the iron, and it was always hot because we were so poor we had to iron our clothes with it.
At what time do I report to my nearest Mosque for re-education?
Yay intergenerational theft. I’m lighting my cigars with ten year olds.
And to any rich, captialistic dogs that don’t think they can survive in our new workers paradise, I am highly educated and would be willing to head any major Wall St. firm for 1/10th of your current CEO’s compensation. I promise that I will at the worse lose only 1/2 of what he or she lost in the last year.
Feel free to contact me through our glorious editors on this page.
–J
So,Happy Days are here again!! No more hobo beans. It’s back to using using $50 bills as mulch for the garden. When the National Recovery Act (we do our part) gears up, we’ll all be on easy street.
I’m rich! I’m wealthy! Yahoo! I’m comfortably well off, woo hoo!
HAHA! More guns, ammo and premium cable channels for me!
Sweet. If anyone needs me, I’ll be fixing potholes for hobo beans.
ManchuCandidate: I hope the Reps are surprised when they find Hopey means to recoup some money by lifting the cap of social security on wages over 95 thousand.
Why was everyone surprised and all flummoxed that the Bank CEOs got a compensation cap if they take
TARP money…
Is that insurance or a base tent?
So this is actually a great time for me to have lost my day job. I thought I needed the proceeds to keep me alive until the paper was completely worthless. Thank goodness I was wrong. Awesome!
chascates: Out here in flyover land this “recession” is a big, fat, no jobs anywhere depression. The Salvation Army doesn’t have enough food to feed everybody who is showing up begging everyday. With any luck this mild weather will last, because the people living in tents sure could use a break from the bitter cold.
If I ever see Rush Limbaugh in person I’m going to shove my arm down his throat and pull out his fucking heart. And then I’m gonna make him listen to Rick Astley until his eyeballs pop out.
Experts in alternative fuels say Republican fat isn’t as good as grease from tempura or french fries for running diesel engines, but it works. It’s just lower octane. You don’t want a job at that plant without a self contained breathing device.
This solid gold bed isn’t as comfy as it looked in the catalogue.
WadISay: yeah, suck it ten year olds!
slowitted: ooh, that didn’t come out right
Commerce Secretary Judd Gregg advises Obama to veto the bill…
thanks for my excuse to celebrate and drink extremely.
Clancy_Pants: The desert menu has lots of sand-wiches, haha! (o.k., I know what you meant.)
Am I the truly the first to mention the fuckability of those sweet Maine senatoritas? Damn. I’d totally hit that. Them. Also.
Below, the Repug so-called tax “cuts” to create jobs.
(About the AMT relief in the bill. Not that it isn’t important to the middle class, but such relief from the AMT has been adopted by a bipartisanship majority in every prior year. For the mid income level, the relief from the AMT significantly decreases personal taxes due. But, in terms of creating jobs, so the hell what? Show me the fuck how in the past this relief from the AMT has created jobs or, in the future, will create jobs).
BTW: A credit is an offset against federal taxes due. It is not a payment of cash from the federal government. It decreases how much, if any amount, you must cut a check to the IRS on April 15th. Tell me how a credit creates jobs.
Long/Short: The Repug personal tax “cuts” are meant to get the US economy back onto the path of consumer spending and debt for growth. And hasn’t that worked so damn well in the past?
http://www.freep.com/article/20090213/NEWS15/90213102
“Tax cuts“:
• “Making Work Pay” tax credit of $400 for single filers and $800 for couples. The credit would begin phasing out at $75,000 of income for single filers and $150,000 of income for couples.
• Allow low-income families earning as little as $3,000 to qualify for the child tax CREDIT.
• Expands the Earned Income Tax Credit for families with three or more children and increases marriage penalty relief. Procreate quick.
• Exempts 24 million taxpayers, for another year, from the Alternative Minimum Tax.
• Revises the $7,500 tax credit for first-time homebuyers by removing the repayment requirement. (Wha?)
• Exempts from federal taxes the state and local sales taxes paid on the purchase of cars, light trucks and SUVs. Yummee. Zoom.
S.Luggo: I believe you may be very drunk, and meant to post this at RonPaul.com.
S.Luggo: And are you implying that you’d not hit those Maine senatoritas if they looked at you cross-eyed and promised to withold AMT relief?
So…whoever lands on Free Parking gets it all right?
Colander: Me, I’ll be fixing hobo beans for potholes. That’s the capitalist spirit! (I am asleep as I am writing this in an advanced state of somnambulismmmmmmmmmmmmm.)
Show me the money. No, but really. Come back in six months and laugh at me for doubting. I’ll gladly join in and chuckle heartily at my own expense.
UN Resolutions are ultimately pointless also, but at least clipping and cross-body blocks are against the rules. Funny thing, but the rich and powerful almost never come to Jesus and cut poor people some slack. Remember the First Revolution, when wealthy landowners realized they had a good thing going and decided they weren’t going to pay tax to the welfare queens in Old Blighty? Remember the Second Revolution, when wealthy landowners and their elected representatives chose to retain ownership of the raw materials, the fee-simple labor value already in place, and the means of production?
I’d feel a hundred times better if the President with knock off the campaigning and start leaving bootprints in people’s asses. “See this stack of Benjamins reaching to the Moon? This is what we we’re pissing away in the time it takes to speak this sentence, unless we switch to something other than Geithco.”
OT, but if this is Weekend Wonkette, so be it. I propose that February 23rd be designated as “Karl Rove Day,” which is something like that great conservative Movie/Holiday “Groundhog Day.”
If Punxatawney Karl comes out of the shadows and testifies before Congress, we will hear many weasel words about National Security and Executive Privilege, or perhaps he will have an Alberto Gonzales type of memory loss (personally, the one question I would like to hear asked is “Does George Bush call you Turdblossom because that’s what you remind him of just after he’s fucked you in the ass? How often did that happen?) I’m not holding my breath, but in any event,investigations will be underway, and they will continue for at least the next 4 years, with a damaging little drip here and there.
If, on the other hand, Punxatawney Karl does not come out of the shadows, then we can expect to hear much hand-wringing and stern condemnations from Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi. The upside is that then we can all apply the “Karl Rove Defense” the next time we are subpoenaed. Good times.
Or he could be arrested, which would be celebrated throughout the land with copious consumption of alcohol, dancing in the streets, and an absolute orgy of prison jokes.
NoWireHangers: I’ve been waiting for this happy day ever since I saw my first Mike Leigh movie. And now it’s off to the Post Office to pick up my cheque and then down to the pub! And then a nice Andy Capp style thrashing for the missus afterwards.
Prosperity is just around the corner.
Also,
IZ IN UR HOUSE, STIMULATIN UR PACKAGE
chascates:
I want that same job. Except that I want a company Ferrari, too. Not a lot to ask. I’ll even settle for an old 308GTSi if the company will cover the repair bills.
Serolf Divad: How about a Saturn with four leaky tires?
Why must the youth fight against themselves?
Government leaving the youth on the shelf
This place (town) is coming like a ghost town
No job to be found in this country
Can’t go on no more
The people getting angry
Thank you, Senator Lieberman!
oooh no! Brain drain is going to happen. Dodd snuck in a bonus and incentive ban for the five most senior officers and the top 20 highest paid employees of the companies that received TARP monies.
Bad news, all those fucking brilliant bankers are going to flee to Brazil.
Good News! New jobs for Serolf Divad and Chascates!
S.Luggo: I sound like a dick for complaining because I’m filthy rich enough to be hit by it despite a mortgage that is about to explode and a kid in college, but the AMT sucks donkey balls. As for stimulus and the lack thereof, the AMT has kept me from buying at least one HDTV in the past, so there.
Or, better yet, Turd Blossom day. Yeah, that’s the ticket. February 23rd is Turd Blossom day.
old Monopoly dude, smoking a cigar after rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic……
Good luck to Kev-o-tron and any other unemployed Wonketeers. I hope this helps you all.
Thank God.
I’m gonna spend my $1billion like a trailer park lottery winner! Or BristolPalin’s $300k baby photos, or MamaBear’s $150k for clothes
Hurrah!
hockeymom: Of course you mean we might have a brain drain of the wizards who created this mess in the first place? Brazil to become the new America (short Brazil now!)
If a tax cut is given to the unemployed, what is the sound of one hand clapping?
This is really sad … I tried to get a copy of the Bill online and instead I found a bunch of websites advertising - “Obama Free Money Programs” - and inviting everyone to quickly locate and apply for their fair share of this now available Grant Money…..
This is outrageous…. some one needs to explain to me how in the F#$%^K a bill of this size and the retard language behind is going to help all Americans….
This is another f#$%^k up bill like the one all AMERICANS paid to bail out the Banks… which by the way have increased interest rates …. This is really F#$%^&*K up …. We just gave OUR money and in exchange we are getting a big fat D@#$%K !!!!
POWER TO THE PEOPLE !!!!!
I like the section of the bill that require major bank CEOs to appear before Congress every three months to report on C-SPAN about how they have wasted the $$$, then be depantsed, bent over the polished table and spanked by Speaker Pelosi, wearing her finest San Francisco dominatrix leathers.
gurukalehuru: Why does this have to happen on my birthday? Don’t make me has a sad!
OT, don’t look now, but wingtard patriots are grieving for the commie liberal removal of “Saint” from “Valentine’ day”. As in “Valentine’s Day Massacre”. Ugh.
In Soviet America, economy stimulates you!
It is dreadful, no? But, we “had to do something”. That’s why we elected Hopey and all them D’s. The last guy (an MBA) got us down this rathole. We’d probably pay much of this off if we pulled out of I-Rak and sent Blackwater to kill Bin Laden and be done with it. My idea was to provide 3.5 percent mortgages and let everyone refinance, pull another round of cash out of their houses, pay off their credit cards and be done with it. The AMT would hit me too, so I am grateful that’s gone for another year (seriously, the whole damn thing should be repealed, rather than this year-by-year crap). And, if someone loses their over expensive house to foreclosure, well, such is life, eh? I don’t care how poor/unable to read fine print someone is. If they are bringing home $1k a month, they can’t afford a $1k a month mortgage. There’s plenty of places to rent (and they could probably rent their house back from whoever buys it off the courthouse steps).
And, again with the executive pay. I hollered about this earlier in the week and won’t do it again here. Regulate the marketplace, not the salaries of the people who work in the marketplace. BTW, there is no “CEO shortage” despite what CEOs might tell boards of directors.
TeddyS: FYI…Those are St. John Leathers
hockeymom: Bruno: chascates: Brain drain is going to happen.
Yes, I saw that too, in the State Capitalist Pamphlet of Record, the NYT. How many things are wrong with this?
First, as you rightly point out, it assumes there are brains to be drained.
Secondly, it assumes that there is somewhere else besides Wall Street for these alleged “brains” to go.
Where are there jobs for people with these alleged “brains”?
They would have to get in line behind Chascates.
BTW, there is a loophole in this executive pay legislation big enough to drive a Benz through. There is a cap on bonuses, but not on salaries. So, ya see, the poor things lost their big bonuses, so they will have to get an increase in their wages.
These alleged Wall Street “brains” may not have much brain to drain, but they will be able to figure that out.
I feel fatter already.
Today’s Washington Monthly reports Diaper Dave Vitter’s speech to the Federalist Society:
According to Vitter, the GOP is basically betting the farm that the stimulus package is going to fail, and the party wants Democrats to go down with it. “Our next goal is to make President Obama and liberal Democrats in Congress own it completely,” he said. Instead of coming up with serious measures to save the economy, the party intends to devote its time to an “we told you so” agenda that will include GOP-only hearings on the bill’s impact in the coming months to highlight the bill’s purportedly wasteful elements and shortcomings.
It quotes Limbaugh from his show on Friday:
“I want everything he’s doing to fail… I want the stimulus package to fail…. I do not want this to succeed.”
Fuck, the Taliban is easier to reason with.
GreenHalo: Commie.
A special Valentine’s day e-card for y’all:
http://www.someecards.com/upload/valentine_s_day/my_true_love_is_out_there.html
chascates: A similar “strategy” is what helped them do so well in the ‘08 elections. If there is even a micron of improvement to the economy, they will really be whipped at the ‘10 midterms. I think the Republicans (especially those House members) will be forced to “own” their bitter recalcitrance to trying to do something. They are, finally, a party without ideas.
so the best and the brightest may bail and go elsewhere because the incentives (bonuses) aren’t large enough? jeebus h. christ i can run a corporation into the ground for minimum wage. letum go run some furrin company into the ground. i haz a sad and am heading over to the Brown Derby and spending my stimulus on the the good shit at eye level.
NoWireHangers: According to the ads that come up on Facebook all the time, they’re already shipping ObamaChex(tm) for $14,400 &/or $28,800. All I have to do is send them $3.95 for my Government Stimulus Guide, jam-packed with info about getting on the dole!
NoNewKidontheBlock: Phyllis Schlafly, is that you? The eagle avatar gave you away.
chascates: Question, would Vitter have voted for the bill if they put in a provision putting tax breaks on the buying of adult diapers? It’s a stimulus.
That guy puts the ass in asshat
Hooray For Anything: He might have but the rest of the GOP doesn’t believe in subsidizing childhood, merely saving all the fetuses.
“…and then Obama was president, & I was on the welfare.”
Where’s my check?!?
The stimuli didn’t give Boehner a boner. Maybe he needs some of that under the counter stuff from old Bob Dole.
2druk2phluq: you can try to find Rush’s heart but you may not find it. If I ever get the chance, I’ll shove my pinky up his p-hole and pull his dick and balls inside out. Then, after having a nice laugh, I will shove both index fingers into each of his ears and remove his cochlear implants. Kisses Wonketeers, Happy Valentines Day!!!
Via Media Matters:
Limbaugh speculates that Soros or a “consortium of countries” may have staged a run on banks in September to throw election to Obama
http://mediamatters.org/countyfair/200902100026
So it’s actually not greedy financial types or clueless regulators it’s really billionaire socialists who caused the economic crisis and got Obama elected.
No wonder Rush just signed a $400 million contract. Commerce Secretary material?
ManchuCandidate: I would think the majority of Iraqi citizens would prefer the shoe…
chascates: If it wasn’t for such inalienable leaders as Limbaugh, there would be a vast decrease in the wing-nut base. What the fuck would we laugh about without them? Therefore, LIMBAUGH for Commerce Secretary. Fuck logic. Lets do this.
OOH and please e-mail blogs that don’t suck to shorts@shortsshortsshorts.com. We wish to EXPOSE them to children.
shortsshortsshorts: Thanks for giving Kev-o-tron something to keep him out of the bars. Somewhat.
Since most of the tips I send Wonkette aren’t worth publishing I’ll extend the same favor to your site.
chascates: Jim refused to post it, as it is a refuge for Wonkette rejects.
Wow, I’m gonna need to make some room under my mattress for all this cold-hard cash!
http://democralypsenow.blogspot.com/
bitchincamaro: Hey, that’s great news. I was looking for something to tide me over between the War on Christmas and the War on Easter. The War on Lent just hasn’t been cutting it the last few years.
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College_hot girls: Robotroll alert!