Wonkette
So we were flipping through Christianity Today — we read it for the articles! — and saw that the Religious Right doesn’t want to be called the Religious Right anymore, because they are losers, and they have failed, finally. What to call these Trans-fat Taliban of the Unemployed American Heartland? Let’s have a fun poll!
Here’s the gist of their complaint:
However, several politically conservative evangelicals said in interviews that they do not want to be identified with the “Religious Right,” “Christian Right,” “Moral Majority,” or other phrases still thrown around in journalism and academia.
“There is an ongoing battle for the vocabulary of our debate,” said Gary Bauer, president of American Values. “It amazes me how often in public discourse really pejorative phrases are used, like the ‘American Taliban,’ ‘fundamentalists,’ ‘Christian fascists,’ and ‘extreme Religious Right.’”
Gary Bauer? Didn’t Dan Savage give him AIDS back in the ’90s?
But we must agree with Bauer that such old-fashioned phrases as “Christian fascists” are just tired. We’ve been bored with that “American Taliban” bit for ages, and only started using it again this month when the Republicans decided to formally embrace their backwards-ass fanatic brethren in Afghanistan.
So here are some new suggestions. Once we have a winner, make sure to use it on DailyKos and Democratic Underground and Air America every fucking day, about everything, so it will be totally ineffectual by, say, next month:
What shall we call the Religious Right?
- Jesus Goblins (43%, 1,311 Votes)
- Christ Potatoes (23%, 719 Votes)
- Fucktards (17%, 519 Votes)
- Darwin's Dummies (9%, 273 Votes)
- Pedobears (7%, 228 Votes)
- Islamo-Fascists (6%, 180 Votes)
- Diabetic Drive-Thru Disciples (6%, 170 Votes)
- Poop-bags (3%, 96 Votes)
Total Voters: 3,081
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What’s wrong with Wingnut Jesus Freaks? It didn’t even make the short list?!
Jesus Goblins sounds about right.
religious wrong is still available. and a fuck lot more accurate.
Yes! Jesus Goblins is winning! THE TERRORISTS HOWEVER, HAVE ALREADY WON.
How ’bout the Slithering Sycophants of Sanctimony?
I guess the old stand-by “God Nazis” is out
I’m all for Christ Potatoes.
And they’re not suggesting any titles themselves? They’re just complaining and not offering anything? This is unprecedented!
That was a tough choice. I mean Jesus Goblins is pretty accurate, but Christ Potatoes is just fun to say.
“Fucktards,” That’s what I’ve always called ‘em.
I also like “scat-suckers.”
I don’t like any of these suggestions. Wingnut Jesus Freak sounds great to me, especially if they don’t want to go by that anymore.
In Scotland we called ‘em The Fundies. Kinda like The Fugees, except they are all white and hate the colored folks.
Go Jesus Goblins Go!
You say Christ Potato, I say Christ Potahto.
I’m still highly fond of Bible Beating Pew Jumpers. But it doesn’t speak to the political angle.
How about Closeted Bottoms?
Gary Bauer is the munchkin who toppled off the stage whilst flipping pancakes, right?
Midwestern Madrasas.
What about Bible Thumping Kid Fuckers? Oh, sorry the RNC has dibs on that one.
…or Robertson’s Rump Rangers?
Heroes of Cocktober should work.
Godsmokers
Why am I always in the minority? I AM A PRIVILEGED WHITE MAN UNEMPLOYED BY CHOICE. Surely Pedobear should be winning since I voted for it/him.
Sky Fairies. Snake-handling self-flagellators. My parents. Whoops.
God-botherers
The Stillborn Again.
Intolerants..
Jeebus Goblins would’ve been good too.
I voted for Christ Potatoes, because “potato” is an inherently funny word. But I would have voted for “assholes” if it had been an option.
Muggles.
Schizophrenics
I suggest we call them the Christ Cops, since they seem to want to regulate everyone else’s religious beliefs. Either that, or for more of the funny: “Follows of St. Mouthbreather, King of the Buffet Line” — which should also be a band name.
Bibullshitters?
Christards.
Self-delusional hypocrites.
Sussemilch: Like it, but not mean enough
How about “Crucifixated”?
I’d suggest Bill Maher’s take of these people: Magic-talking-snake-believers.
Creation gone awry. Proof God is not infallible. Hypocritical Hate Mongers.
Please look up Quvierfull.
The simply act of one of these idiots having to do some research to find out “Who the hell is that guy?” the first time he’s called a Darwin’s Dummy will ironically have the unintended consequence of educating said dummy and thereby reducing their numbers.
Sanctimonious Schism Suckers?
Or how ’bout…FUCK YOU! WHEN YOU STOP USING THE TERMS DEMOCRAT PARTY, TAX AND SPEND LIBERALs, BABY KILLERS and some of your other “pet” names for the left we’ll consider listening.
I voted for my alotted three. I had to leave off poop-bags because pedobear really needs to be in the dictionary, y’all. It needs our vote moneys.
“Rightards” is a bit broad, and a bit old, I suppose.
Also, Wonkette, I love you, also.
TruckNutterz, the Z is for Jezuz.
Dientes: Quiverfull
Criminals? Sanctimonius Assholes?
how bout Fucker Flock?
Anti-christians. It’s what they are.
Jesus Goblins = Confluence pre-Wonkette intervention
Go Christ Potatoes!
Cocksacks of Nazareth
christ cannibals
Boy, they just BEG for it!
Christ Potatoes just roll right off the tongue. Jesus Goblins sounds like something out of E.T.
Some possibilities:
“Disciples of Kirk Cameron”
“The Rapture Enraptured”
“Luther Troopers”
“Anti-GLAAD Jihad”
“Theocracy of Hypocrisy”
and
“Idiots”
How come I can’t vote? “Poop-bags” needs my support!
The Rev. Yevot: Okay, that’s better.
Fiction Lovers
TruckNutz!
bureaucrap: Crucifukt?
Christ-tards
Wingnuts of an Angel? Holy Bitters? Christards?
Since Jizlamo-Fascists isn’t running because of an error in printing the ballot, I guess “Poop-bags” pretty much says it.
The decorations on Poop-Bag-Mas Day always bring a hint of moisture to these old eyes.
Pants is also an inherently funny word. So Jesus Pants? Christ Potato Pants? Potato Pants? Mr. Potato Head Pants?
What about Bob Jones’s Farts?
“Christ Potatoes” defiles the absolute righteousness of delicious potatoes, so I’m gonna have to go with “Jesus Goblins.”
“Fucktards” is a close second, although I’d spice it up a bit to: “Delusional Fucktards” or perhaps “Gullible Automaton Fucktards.”
Smelt Fuckers is my latest hate handle. It insinuates a small dick, bestiality and fishy stench.
hockeymom: Ha!
ANAListas
I just call them Sleestacks.
Fried Weenies sounds better, but I voted for Christ Potatoes.
Dead End Timers
Wow, the software only lets you vote once — high technie!
How about “Tala-Baptists”?
Full Retards?
Trini-tards
Jeebus Bleaters
Meth-odists?
How ’bout “wide-stance cock goblins”?
Christ potatoes is awesome!
Soldiers of Fortunes.
Lazy Jews
Christ Potatoes has just the right respectful amount of whimsy, I think.
Children
What happened to the tried and true?
Neo-nazis
Fascists
Religious zealots
Hypocrites
KKK
Would Dan Savage be upset if we just called them all “Saddlebackers”?
Gotta say, the list was pretty lame until Jesus Goblins swept in for the save. And what a f’in awesome save it was.
They’re Bible worshipers. Bibliolotrists or, for the youngsters, Biblioloshits.
It’s a term they actually use. And it says it all: They literally worship a mistranslated amalgam of stories written and edited years after they supposedly occurred by people with a variety of mostly self-serving political motivations. Bible worshipers see no reason to concern themselves with the actual teachings in the Bible (from a person whose name they pray to and use to define themselves).
Bible fucktards is good but, in a way, it’s insulting to basic fucktards and fucking in general.
The O.G. fucktards (1997): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W7r2nxpgoIg
Jesusnauts?
Jesus Jockeys.
But points to the one that thought up Christ Potatoes. I think that’s what I’m going to name my softball team this season.
Religious Reich?
But probably well-worn by now and ALSO long in the tooth.
Okay, Christ Potatoes then.
The biggest question facing all the Goblins today: If Jesus and Sarah Palin were both drowning and you could only save one, which one would you save?
jetjaguar:
Ha! Made me laugh. But I’m an atheist.
How about the NEITHERS as in neither religous nor right?
Whiskey Tango Foxtrot endorses Diabetic Drive-Thru Disciples.
Try “Time and Space Monkeys”.
The two traditional Australian expressions are “God Botherers” and “Bible Bashers”.
How’s about “Brownshirts for Christ?” Heil, Jesus!
Lets class it up a bit, shall we?
E Pluribus Errata
Ex Dei Venti Stultos
Um, I hate to be all factual and such, but didn’t Gary Bauer or one of the other Jesus Goblins (vote Jesus Goblin!) COIN the term Moral Majority?
Ok, here’s another idea:
Nightcrawlers for Jesus (Fish) - you can handle my slimy worm for God anytime!
FMA: WIN!WIN!WIN!
YAY! More polls!
les cochons de mon dieu sont tres tres terrible…
Why the Hell does Jesus Goblins have twice the number of votes? You all just like the antagonistic idea of having a spiteful enemy. Most of these In-Breathers are too apathetic to think for themselves anyway.
momus: That was my favorite bumpersticker back in the mid-80s (”the moral majority is neither”). I thought my aunt was sooo coool.
Jeebus Goblins!
I prefer Tali-billies.
“Alphabet-fearing Shaker-Terrorist-tards.”
Cummers of Jesus?
Christ Potatoes, so long as I can grill them over an open flame.
Bibloids.
Howabout Buttsecks & Masterbatorium Masters!
Thou-Shalt-Not-Thinkers
The Fruitless Branch. Either in the Christy vine sense or the Darwiny evolutionary dead-end branch.
If this thread keeps going, I’m pretty sure the Apocalypse will be brought forth. Just warnin, y’all.
raggedtoof: That works too.
ManchuCandidate: I like Tali-billies. It’s succinct.
dinosaur jockeys
Ha ha Jesus Goblins. How perfectly fitting!
http://democralypsenow.blogspot.com/
Biblebillies? Christards? Deatheaters? No, that’s been taken. Slack Jawed Dogma Jockeys? Biblitards? Jesus Lemmings?
The Old French word for Christians is the root word of the English word cretins. Works for me. Maybe capitalized? Cretins. There, that’s better.
I’ve always called them “God Bunnies”
Christ Crusaders, Beelzebub-Busters, Jesus Warriors, Sin-Stoppers, Soul Patrol….
ManchuCandidate: love talibillies. Someone around here recently referred to David Vitter as a Jesus-humper, which is also lovely.
GOP= God’s Own Powerbottoms? Truth in advertising!
The People that Time Forgot
So many fun names, so little time. But in the end, I think it has to be Jesus Goblins.
Hooray For Anything: Major WIN.
TeddyS: Uh….Sarah Palin, obvs. Jesus doesn’t die, he only gets stronger. Also, he can walk on water. Palin can only do that if it’s Alaskan water, and thus, frozen.
I do love “God Nazis” though….so difficult.
Crystal Methodists?
Crystal Methodists
Jesus Goblins? Really, Wonketteers? Really?
Jesus Goblins is pretty good but these folks are mostly so dumb THEY WON’T GET IT. So that kinda spoils all the fun.
Christ Potatoes, now that’s the thing. It evokes lazy slobs loafing about, not using their brains, hooked on some comepletely random stream of B.S. (like TeeVee, or relgion, or best yet! Religious TeeVee!)
Also, the word potatoes is inherently funny.
bassdroid: NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Most of us are normal!
I just voted in this retarded poll, though I always call them Fundy (for the religious angle) Wingers. –Political, except we can tell them it’s about angel wings. Now I suppose I must use Jesus Goblins, so they can start complaining about that, which at least will be very funny on the political shows.
qaf: Exactly. Or Jesus Haters. It pisses me off that I’ve gone to church regularly for most of my life and now I find myself embarrassed to admit I’m a Christian because these people have made it a dirty word. So I say I’m a United Methodist, which was okay until some fucktard came up with the name Crystal Methodists. People at church are going to wonder when I say Methodist and start laughing. I can never admit to anyone what I’m thinking of.
The Church of Realism: Oh, fuck. There were two of you. I never thought of Methodist as a funny name. Honest, we’re not fundamentalist. A lady just quit my church because, to quote her, she “didn’t like that God loves everyone” theology we teach. Huh?
How about something more Old World and traditional, such as “Heretical Enemies of the One True, Holy, Universal and Apostolic Catholic Church?” Or the more succinct “superstitious peasants?” Or “Flat-Earthers?” I still think Cretin does it, especially if, when spoken, you use the French pronunciation. Nothing riles up a pack of snake-handling hillbillies quite like any words spoken in French. It’s the official language of them-as-thinks-they’re-better-’n-usuns from sea to plastic flotsam choked sea in the minds of the 27% of the electorate that still believes George W. Bush did a heckuva job.
How about: Pebo who beliebo in Jebo the Hebo so they no go doh below wit da homo but go to da gold gazebo fo evamo fo sho ya know bro?
DustBowlBlues: I hear you; I have some friends who are lefty Christians and they are wondering how so many people got a copy of the Bible with the stuff about social justice redacted and replaced with information about $$=good.
Bible humpers?
I’ll stick with the good, ol’ fashioned custom of calling ‘em “hypocrites,” thanks. Hey, it’s what Jesus called ‘em (see Matthew 23: 1-33)…
How about “Xe”. Oops. That’s already taken. I know, “Ex”! Pronounced “EEZ”. As in jEEEEEEZus!
“I used to be a Religious-right Christian, but now I’m an Ex-Christian”
Pigfuckers.
PsycGirl: DustBowlBlues: HA HA HA! Welcome to our world, a world where a label that you once applied yourself to signify a kind of virtue, or moral stolidity has been twisted by small-minded fucks with an agenda to make you sound EVIL.
Signed,
Liberal
(Welcome to the Dark Side. We have cookies! Also.)
i sincerely hope nate silver is monitoring all this.
how about ” the anti-christs ” . Sez it all …
“America’s Anchor,” they’ve been dragging us down for decades. “The Reality-Based Community’s Arrogant Brother-in-Law that said Community Does Not Claim But Always Ends Up Arguing With at Thanksgiving.”
“New Coke,” because the righties and fundies seem to think the best way to solve all their problems is to re-brand the same old crap and sell it to the mouthbreathing masses with a marketing blitz. Oh wait, Coke at least had the creativity to change the formula, never mind.
This is hard.
Lascauxcaveman: I’ve been a member of that club for a while but I will certainly take the cookies. According to that weird Kool-Aid lady I’m supposed to then take yours and everybody else’s and eat them in front of you and make you bake some more while I sit regally on your sofa grinding crumbs into it.
I hardly ever do that though.
‘Diabetic Drive-Thru Disciples’ is ammusing. But it isn’t punchy like ‘Jesus Goblins’.
Oooh! Oooh! I just checked the meaning of fundament in my very patriotic American Heritage Dictionary and the first meaning is “the buttocks” or “the anus.” So, let’s call ‘em Fundaments! Bet they won’t even know what hit ‘em.
Why in the hell don’t the Jesus Goblins have a Facebook page already?! It’s been three fucking days.