Wonkette
THE FULL LIST OF THE BEST CONSERVATIVE MOVIES OF THE LAST 25 YEARS: We’re giving up on writing about the rest of the National Review’s entries to “The Best Conservative Movies of the Last 25 Years,” because enough with them right? We covered through #8, and The Corner has posted entries through #6. They force people who wish to see the rest of the list immediately (for hilarity) to buy a subscription to their wacky magazine. Well, enough with their useless games: here’s the full list, according to some heroic blogger. Be sure to check it out before he gets his cease-and-desist letter from NR’s attorney, Joe the Plumber. [The Same Dame]
Number 2 is a cartoon. For kids. That really says it all.
…and Groundhog Day? As someone said yesterday, re LOTR, fuck them. They can’t have Groundhog Day. Just fuck them. Also.
Oooohhhh…like a shot to the gut, oooh breathe breathe
#1 Lives of Others - where former Stasi Nazi becomes warm fuzzy hero in the end. I think these people are fucking insane. Earth to NRO, you dudes are the opressive secrecy obsesssed zombies who like to traffic in the personal information of their enemies if it means scoring an extra stick of gum or a free sandwich coupon. You dudes are the American Nazis. The liberals? Oh. They were the ones in the movie taking shit for performing plays and being forced to knuckle under to group think.
Is there anything these ghouls won’t attempt to appropriate for themselves? The moral of that stupid beautiful movie? Nationalists are bad and dangerous, and you could die. The PantySnifferChickenHawk Brigade says: “Oohh one day the mean men will violate my rights, but I will prevail by writing a famous book while my abuser rots in obscurity, even though I will have blessed him with my forgiveness…meanwhile if you question the motives of my Fearless Leader, my friend Michelle will put your name and address on her window for all to see!”
Boggles the fucking mind.
Double-U Tee Fuck, dudes? Team America is a conservative film? With puppet sodomy, homosexual fellatio for career advancement, flagrant racism, and wanton destruction of American monuments, I … guess so. Does this mean that - in the conservative world - Kim Jong-Il is actually a talented cabaret act?
I just don’t, well, that’s- arrgh, fuck it. Back to the scotch. Also.
5. 300 (2007)
Is it possible to just buy this review? Because I’d really like to see you cover it. I’ll chip in $2.35 in change.
gurukalehuru: Many Republicans yearn to be acknowledged as “The Fastest Jack In Jefferson County.”
Whose stinking pile-fringed rectum was this list pulled from?
Metropolitan? A movie about a bunch of overprivileged over-articulate world-weary college kids? I think there was (a discussion of) a girl in it who committed suicide after a coupla frat boys persuaded her to “pull a train” or something, but little else to capture the conservative ‘mind’. Must be just the sexy old money vibe.
On another note: THE LIVES OF OTHERS IS A ‘CONSERVATIVE’ MOVIE?!
How fucking stupid are these guys? The monkey who put that there obviously was watching the movie sans subtitles and video. Or they glance at the movie poster and reasoned: Conservative hates Communism, Movie says Communisim was bad, therefore Movie=Conservative.
The entire movie was about the inhumanity of surveillance committed by an authoritarian government, the heroism of dissent, and the need for un-stifled political/ social expression.
THE LIVES OF OTHERS IS A ‘CONSERVATIVE’ MOVIE?!
Comprehension fail!
How fucking stupid are these guys? The monkey who put that there obviously was watching the movie sans subtitles and video. Or they glance at the movie poster and reasoned: Conservative hates Communism, Movie says Communisim was bad, therefore Movie=Conservative.
The entire movie was about the inhumanity of surveillance committed by an authoritarian government, the heroism of dissent, and the need for un-stifled political/ social expression.
I’m still shocked that “Passion of the Christ” was not on the list. Didn’t all the wingnuts slobber over this one when it first came out?
Brazil busted my new irony meter. This is way worse than the damage Braveheart did to the last one.
How dare these clueless douchebags commandeer The Incredibles, one of my favourite movies.
Like the Parr family would have put up with the shenanigans of Dubya and his despicable claque…
Hmmm. Ok I’m new around this neighborhood. How does the comments digery do thing work around here? Cause I wrote something, it didnt get posted, so I reentered, now it doubled posted.
Then I wrote something else and said it was a duplicate…
Should our Muslim overlord write us a check to fix the comments section?
I kind of feel bad for K-Lo (possible!?) about the Juno review. She apparently thinks that women being self-confident is anti-conservative. Just because you have low self esteem doesn’t mean that’s a tenet of your political ideology.
omgwtflolbbqbye: When you click SUBMIT COMMENT it sometimes takes a few minutes to appear as an actual comment. Re-submitting because it doesn’t show up right away on leads to double posts, or more. HAVE PATIENCE WHEN SUBMITTING COMMENTS. There is nothing wrong with the comments technology on cutting-edge Wonkette.
Since I had never heard of “The Lives of Others” and “Metropolitan”, I went to Amazon and looked them up. Turns out they’re both subtitled. That means K-Lo and Jonah the Whale did not choose them. Neither of them can read that fast.
Groundhog Day? Because fucking shit up over and over and over again until you finally get it right is a conservative value?
“Lives of Others” They loved this one because the government wiretaps every elitist intellectual in the country. Every wingnut’s wet dream.
“Brazil” The male person sitting next to me thinks they mistook Brazil for “Brazilian” as in the waxing method. Nothing else can explain the Conservative love for an anarchist movie whose director publicly hates the Bush government.
“Blast from the Past” -you can put this on any list and claim whatever you want because no one saw it.
Also.
melvin: I don’t think they think of Passion of The Christ more as a documentary or softcore porn.
Meant to say: I think they see Passion of The Christ more as a documentary or softcore porn.
Oh, and regarding The Incredibles, I remember when this movie came out, all the Randian Libertarian Paultards (although, we did not know them as Paultards at the time) masturbated their pussies and diarrheaed huge blog posts about Atlas Shrugs because they thought this all about how this superhero family was held back by the libruls until they weren’t and Hey?! I thought NRO hated the Paultards?
This is just a random list of films, neither conservative nor much of anything else. The real element of conervatism is the reviewers’ ability to identify with whichever character reflects most favorably their own self-image, wether that character is the protagonist, the antagonist, or somewhere in between. So in reality, the game they’re playing is they take 25 randomly selected films and justify conservatism through a selective interpretation of each one.
There’s a much better book that does this in reverse, called The Pooh Perplex, which is composed of various conflicting interpretations of the same Winnie-the-Pooh book — one essay says it’s Marxist, another Freudian, etc. etc. It’s basically a drinking game for unemployed pseudo-intellectuals, which is why I hope NRO will be coming out with more editions of such tripe for years to come.
omgwtflolbbqbye: Never write a comment like this again.
Well, outside of the homoerotic theme running through the list, all this really shows is what happens when you lack a sense of irony. Sort of surprised they didn’t name Easy Rider as the ultimate Conservative film.
And didn’t we go through this about two years ago, when NRO or someone declared the best “Conservative” rock songs and declared “Sympathy for the Devil” one of their anthems?
Yep, I was right. For those who don’t have a bunch of smack to blow out your mind with, feel free to follow this link: http://article.nationalreview.com/?q=NzZkNDU5MmViNzVjNzkzMDE3NzNlN2MyZjRjYTk4YjE=
What?! No Fountainhead?!?! I would have thought Bill Kristol fantasizes himself as Howard Roark when he masturbates.
#4 Forrest Gump FTW!!!
Because even the NRO thinks Bush is retarded
Beef Supreme: Because every Lardy McDoughpants in the conservative movement thinks they are a goddam superhero repressed by the state. No, Jonah, you are just a wanking fanboy who has never touched a girl. Your superpower is making donuts disappear.
I just wanted to confirm the Incredibles/Atlas Shrugged theory.
Elastagirl: “Everyone’s special, Dash.”
Dash: “Which is another way of saying no one is.”
The Intenets are full of why this particular exchange between a cartoon mom and her cartoon child confirms the hypothesis that the movie is a chidlike representation of the heroic struggle in Atlas Shrugged.
No, I’m not kidding.
If you showed this list of films to someone without explaining their relationship to each other they would never be able to guess what they had in common. You can’t actually come up with a list of best films that truly reflect the finest elements of conservative values because the films on that list would suck more than a Dyson Upright DC 15.
Thatcher: I believe you. I never caught that.
SayItWithWookies: I am in love with that concept.
Also, I’m librul, love exaggerated violence and ripped torsos, and still I interpreted 300 as conservative, even though I wanted not to. They should have made it #1 so as to make me think they were right all along.
That or Mamma Mia.
No “Junior” (Arnold decides to have the baby despite being a man)? No “Munich” or “Saving Private Ryan” (I guess the NRO can’t handle a Steven Spielberg movie)? No “Election” (the evil Dem who tries to subvert the will of the people is punished)? No “Hoosiers” (it would have been easier to draft a so-called conservative message on to that flic than the gymnastics they had to do to claim “Brazil”)?
I told you! I told you 300 would make the list.
So fucking predictable
Somebody needs to tell the republicans that Batman isn’t cool with killing thousands of people and he actually catches the Joker at the end of the movie.
How come ‘best of’ lists usually only include movies from recent 5-7 year old memory? Or is this one of those bloggers who sits in his mother’s basement spewing hate? I think SnowBilly sent some good caution about people like that we need to be afraid of.
Team America - World Police?
I never knew hardcore puppet sexytime was part of the conservative agenda. Good for them.
I would have thought “Rudy” would have made the top ten… And why no “Dirty Harry” or “Death Wish?”
No Chuck Norris films?
Christians, Buddhists and Jews all claim “Groundhog Day” for their theology/philosophy.
“Groundhog Day” is whatever you want it to be–unless you are an uncultured boob writing for NRO.
Where is Patton on that list?
Dawn Keipuntsh: No Dirty Harry because the tards at NRO thinks that “conservative” movies started being made in 1980.
Before Reagan, there was only Soviet propaganda.
Terry:
It’s best 25 Con movies in the last 25 years.
Basically anything before 1983/4 doesn’t count.
Hahaha, Gilliam responds: “Have people forgotten I made Brazil? George W. [Bush], [Dick] Cheney, and company haven’t. I’m thinking of suing them for the illegal and unauthorized remake of Brazil.”
sorry conservatards, hollywood IS filled with creative liberals that hate you .
Ok, now I’m waiting for the PUMA’s top 25. Blue Velvet has to make it on their list for its dripping feminism. Sociopathic and dry humper Frank Booth is Darragh Murphy. HRC is represented by Dorothy Vallens.
Where’s Mannequin 2??
I like this version of the .gif better.
PUMAs’ #1 movie will be the recent, awful remake of “The Women.”
Let’s see… Metropolitan, wasn’t that a completely forgettable and boring movie about rich young people in Manhattan and how it was cool to be, you know, young and rich?
I showed my mom this list; her conclusion is that the conservatives are fucking with us, so 1) liberals will end up buying that online subscription to NRO, and 2) so we don’t notice things like the fact that they talked the rest of the Senate into a ban on arts funding of any kind in the stimulus bill (because, of course nothing good ever came out of supporting the arts during an economic depression). I’m inclined to agree only because, were it for real, “The Passion of the Christ” really would have to be on there.
Jukesgrrl: I doubt they even realize a film adaptation exists.
I for one am struck by the absence of Downfall, which is a template for how a truly committed ideologue is supposed to go down with their ship with class, dignity, and a wake of dead bodies in their trail.
What about Green Berets with John Wayne, the only pro-Vietnam War flick ever made.
I thought the conservative’s best films were those by Leni Riefenstahl. “The Triumph of Rush”, for instance.
I finally understand conservatives, and it came to me through their number one pick, “The Lives of Others.” Conservatives secretly envy the creativity that liberals have, and that’s why they are always trying to destroy them — sour grapes. If they can’t be creative, interesting people themselves, they might as well rail against such people. With that in mind, they identify completely with the protagonist of “The Lives of Others,” who is a bland everyman forced to observe the bright, interesting world of creative types, and can’t help wanted to live among them. It’s exactly how every conservative feels, and so they overlook the message and just emotionally understand the pain of the envious observer.
Jukesgrrl: I kept waiting for “The Fountainhead” to appear, until I noticed: “…of the last 25 years.”
Still, that would have been even more ironic than including “Brazil,” given King Vidor’s audaciously campy tinkering with the drab, humorless source material. I still can’t watch “Fountainhead” without dissolving into giggles; it’s a homoerotic triumph.
Hmm - maybe it *IS* the perfect conservative film.
Re Brazil, this Karnick character protests the “guilt-by-association” charge (getting published in NRO), calls himself a “liberal of the right,” and suggests that NRO readers benefited from reading his different perspective.
Fail?
Thatcher: Agree about the Incredibles. Some people are more special than others (IMHO, it usually seems to be because they were born wealthy or lucked into a cool job–like I did once, then I lucked out of it)–and, in the NRO universe–those people deserve to live well & the rest of us deserve to eat their shit.
NRO, just something to keep in mind: it’s getting tiresome. There’s a lot of us. We are the mob.
Thanks.
Bruno: Teaching moment (via wikipedia)!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Availability_heuristic
Gattaca? About a guy who gets a job by lying on his application?
The narration points out that, while it was technically illegal for potential employers to require a DNA sample or to test their employees, it was very easy to get their hands samples to test, up to and including the ZOMG drug screening.
So… conservatives want stricter controls on how private employers can hire and fire their employees? I thought the laissez-faire approach to keeping group health insurance premiums low would be right up their alley.
WTF? And these people publish a magazine? And other people read it? Good Gawd…
BobLoblawLawBlog:
That and because they the Gump character is a Conservative saint.
Really, Gump is the perfect Conservative Republican. He’s too stupid to think for himself and question what the authorities tell him to do or rethink his simplistic faith in America (Regan!). It’s really amazing how thoroughly Right-wing this movie is from start to finish - even more so when you see how they changed the Gump character from the original novel version for the movie version.
They had a pretty good write up about this on the Gump 10th year anniversary.
http://www.boston.com/news/globe/living/articles/2004/06/20/loss_of_innocence_forrest_gump_at_10/
The Final Batch of the Top Conservative Movies of All Time: “Crash,” “Traffic,” “Reds,” “Bullworth,” “Halloween,” “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre,” “Last House on the Left,” “Psycho III,” “Roger and Me,” “Bowling For Columbine,” “Sicko,” “Fahrenheit 911,” “Gosford Park,” “M*A*S*H,” “Klute,” “Barbarella,” “The Electric Horseman,” “Kelly’s Heroes,” “McCabe and Mrs. Miller,” “Network,” “Hostel,” “Saw.”
For the record: The producers, the director, the writer, the major stars and many of the crew of the excellent classic “Forrest Gump” have denied in every which way on every level that “Gump” in any way at any level is a “conservative” film. In fact, they have all said IF the movie had to be labeled politically, it would indeed be a LIBERAL film. But the reality is that the film is not about conservative or liberal or Republican or Democrat or left or right at all–again, according to the people who actually made the film. It is about many things, but actual party-line politics is actually very low on the list. It is literally not a “conservative” film.
The best resource on labeling films politically is, as is anything regarding real journalism, to go straight to the source. It’s amazing what you find out when you go to the source: the truth. And the truth is that many of the films on this stupid list are literally not “conservative” films–at any time, on any level. That’s the real truth of the matter.
The real top five from NRO:
#5 Star Wars: The Clone Wars. This movie is conservative because America invests large amounts of resources in tracking down and saving a missing young white girl, like Caylee or the slut from Aruba, before brown people kill them. Replace word america with “Republic” and “young white girl” with “Jabba the Hutt’s son.”
#4 Robocop 2. Conservative because 1.) Detroit has gone to hell thanks to government spending and welfare programs and only a corporation can save the city and regentrify it, 2.) theme is clearly anti-union as the striking police are always getting shot/killed and it is the benevolent corporation that creates Robocop and restores a semblance of order, 3.) drugs are out of control and only a Draconian war on drugs will eliminate the problem, and 4.) the boy villain Hawk represents conservative values in his pursuit of power and money–he also represents conservative’s position on NAMBLA. They’re clearly for it.
#3 Deliverance. ‘Nuff said.
#2 Showgirls. What is this movie but nothing more than an art film depicting everything Palin?
#1 True Lies. Secret federal police organization with free reign to burn down arab ass. Also an accurate portrayal of arabs. Movie is A1 conservative.
Wait, the NR chose Metropolitan but not St. Elmo’s Fire? Socialist pigs.
Clearly the writers over @ NR slept through the class on irony. I’d be amused if the list wasn’t such a sad commentary on the IQ of 45% of the population.
Number one is “The Lives of Others.”
The lack of self-awareness over there is truly awe-inspiring.
I hate to get all emo, but what a disgrace to Ulrich Muhe’s body of work.
Ugh that list of conservative rock songs someone linked made me throw up a little bit.
Wow—thanks for the link! Might speed up that C&D from Joe the Plumber—speaking of which, I don’t think there’s a single film about plumbers on NR’s list. Where the fuck is Super Mario Bros?
gurukalehuru: I’ve heard lots of analysis of the Ayn Rand-ian nature of The Incredibles. I try not to think about it.
uhhh where is v for vendetta??? isn’t the theme pretty similar to lives of others and brazil? i mean like, all of these conservative films involve an oppressive government and individuals bravely sticking up for what’s right. i was realllly gunning for v for vendetta for #1 since it would be the most epic of irony fails.
also v. disappointed that red dawn is so low on the list. a violent masturbatory fantasy about boys becoming hardened suicide bombers due to an invasion by the commies really seems to epitomize the neocon “exxxxtremely patrolled masculinity rises to the challenge of enemies all around” philosophy.
and too bad that it was only the last 25 years…death wish and various movies that try to rebuild teh butthurt american-man ego after vietnam really belong on that list. they are there in spirit.
in conclusion, since Teh Pashion is not on the list in any form, i am assuming that the corner hates jesus. the end.
Hah! On The Lives of Others, I suppose the NRO-style conservatism slips through where the protagonist, a whistleblower-ish Stasi agent, is not rewarded in any tangible form during the film. He is forced to work in the Stasi mailroom for years after protecting the dissident writer and then lives in poverty and after German reunification–just the way the Reagan/Bush adminstration treated its noble-hearted whistleblowers!
Reefpilot: #4 Robocop 2.
Fucking brilliant.
Your breakdown, not the movie.
#1 Lives of others: Film about invasive national security system. Conservative hit: let’s
hate the Germans for a while.
#2 The Incredibles: Humorous escapism. Conservative hit: view themselves as superheroes.
#3 Forrest Gump: Nerdy hero survives. Conservative hit: let’s make fun of the retard.
#4 The 300: Mindless violence glorified. Conservative hit: ditto.
#5 Groundhog Day: Parable of personal growth. Conservative hit: love that Sonny & Cher!
….