Wonkette
At some point during Barack Obama’s press conference last night — toward the end, after summarizing the major works of the European baroque period, but before reading the entire text of War and Peace in response to a question about baseball — he told reporters to hold onto their pants, because Tim Geithner’s first big press conference Tuesday morning was going to blow their fucking minds. How did it go? Eh, big numbers being tossed around, a lot of crying, the whimpering sounds of a crumbling Empire, crumbling, crumble crumb crumb…
Here are the major parts of the Treasury’s revamped “bank rescue plan,” or as it’s more commonly known, “the thing that reminds us of death.” It includes most of the existing or at least heavily discussed bank recapitalization techniques from the past few months, but with, uh, “oversight,” presumably from Mr. TurboTax over there.
It is the equivalent of alternating between five differently shaped shovels in order to fill a black hole with sand.
- Here’s a new term developed by the actual Satan, in hell: “A Public Private Investment Fund.” It will be “jointly run by the Treasury and the Federal Reserve, with financing from private investors, to buy up hard-to-sell assets that have bogged down banks and financial institutions for the past year.” In other words, this is that “bad bank” you may have heard a lot about recently. It’s like Paulson’s original plan, but with Liberals. It will only cost another one trillion dollars of fresh fiat currency.
- The remaining $350 billion from the original TARP shit sandwich will be thrown in the air for the masses, soon. Make sure you get a good catchin’ spot.
- An expansion in that other fake TARP thing Bernanke and Paulson came up with while they were high, the one in which the Fed and the Treasury help finance various consumer loans. The cost will rise from approximately $200 billion to $1, in trillions.
- The terrible communists may even try to put a floor under mortgage defaults, the cause of the whole global depression. “A separate $50 billion initiative to enable millions of homeowners facing imminent foreclosure to renegotiate the terms of their mortgages is to be announced next week.” BOO! TOO EXPENSIVE.
And how does the stock market react to the Head of American Money essentially telling money people that the Treasury will back any and everything they do, to the tune of several trillion more dollars? The Dow Jones plummets 338 points, as of now. But who cares, right?
Anyway, good luck to Tim Geithner — he has no idea what it means to be hated, yet — and at least give him credit for creating a long-overdue comprehensive bank rescue plan at the Treasury. If we’re lucky, this MegaTARP will be just the right mix of tools the government needs to finally destroy the country.
Geithner Sets Out Sweeping Overhaul to Bank Bailout [NYT]
Bad Bank = Cylons
Actually, MegaTARP is what I’m going to spend my last $37.50 on so my extended family will have some shelter from the rain.
In the words of Admiral Ackbar: “Its a TARP!”
You forgot the last bullet point.
- We all move into makeshift tents- made from all these tarps.
…is he going to forgive my student loans?!
Lascauxcaveman: Wal-mart?
I missed this part in the presser- “….summarizing the major works of the European baroque period…” which is a bummer because that’s my favorite period. I think I fell asleep somewhere around his discussion of Chaucer’s “Canterbury Tales” and Medieval Social Policy. I did enjoy the digression into War & Peace, however, as it’s one of my favorite books.
Servo: Would the bad banks be the hot blonde cyclon, the hot Asian cylon or Col Tigh?
Man, I should’ve taken the blue pill.
Tim Geithner is HISTORY’S GREATEST MONSTER
AngryBlakGuy:
Sorry, I did not see any funding for “forgiveness” in the Senate version. There is plenty of money however, for “blame”.
AngryBlakGuy: He will forgiver your anger.
tunamelt: Or G.I. Joes, if you want your homelessness to seem more like a fun camping trip. They have them in camo there.
Lascauxcaveman: I thought you lived in a cave.
Turbo Tax Tim: Bad debt has hit every major financial target in Financial World, and hit ‘em hard. In NY, the Shitty, er Citibank has been overrun by Mets Bullpen backed securities. Bank of ‘Merika is standing by to be overrun. We also have reports that a fuck load of CDOs. has dissolved all of the hedge funds of east of the Mississippi. In strategic terms, Bad Mortgage Debt has cut the eelight’s wealth in half… the finanshul asslikcing press are about to wet their pants and we’ve heard even Jim Cramer’s going to have a breakdown on CNBC and blow his brains out in grief. In other words, it’s a huge shit sandwich, and we’re all gonna have to take a bite.
Wonkette: Sir… does this mean that we’re not getting our Unicorn?
“Why do we keep throwing our gold down this bottomless pit?”
“Because we can’t stop now!”
fail.
also.
-SP
“We’re not impressed, and I don’t think the market’s impressed either,” said Ryan Larson, head equity trader at Voyageur Asset Management. “It’s clear the administration is still trying to work on something concrete. I think the market sensed that, too.”
It’s like the Market is some bizarre old-timey God we must sacrifice our first born, and several goats, to, or he shall be displeased and His Wrath is Mighty.
Dr. Krugman will crush you, Timmy.
Hooray For Anything:
The Zena ‘chunky heel-to-the-jaw’ Cylon.
Hooray For Anything: I believe it’s going to be the really old jerky one that Ellen Tigh was banging before she was killed.
Is this fivehead-ed freak actually worse than Paulson?
What about $5000 for eyebrow implants for Mr. Geithner?
norbizness: He is the Paulson and Summers love-child.
tunamelt: Wait, that’s not what the market is? Then everything I learned during my MBA is a LIE.
AngryBlakGuy: no shit, me and my wife’s students loans are bogging down the bank of me, Hamster, the Bank of Hamster. At least give me FDIC insurance!
I paid off my car last week, and I have a prime mortgage. Does this make me a plutocrat in the New Reality?
AngryBlakGuy: If they forgive student loans, my co-workers will know because I will show up to work in a FUCKING GOLD SUIT.
One Yield Regular: I thought I did too, until a family of grizzly bears showed up with title from the bank that explained they had just bought the place in a foreclosure auction. The paperwork looked in order, as far as I could tell.
And of course, you don’t argue with a family of grizzly bears, regardless.
jagorev: I’m lighting incense and killing a calf right now.
tunamelt: I’m thinking Ryan Larson, head equity trader at Voyageur Asset Management, could possibly be one we could sacrifice to appease His Mighty Wrath.
orbit222: I want tents made from the flesh of the congressional Republicans, with a deluxe edition featuring Mitch McConnell’’s face in full rictus because that’s the way it looks while he’s alive and it will add a festive air.
Make carpets from the corpses of CEO’s and we’ve got ourselves a pretty cozy hobo village. Now I have just have to decide what group should become kebabs. Suggestions?
NoWireHangers: If they forgave my student loans, my co-workers would know because I would freestyle-walk my ass out of here and get a part time job at the BMA to pay my mortgage.
Hooray For Anything: War and Peace? You’re not my daughter are you? Not because I like W and P but because she does.
I think that Satan made phrase actually literally made me go insane. In my head.
I see so many new colors now, in EVERYTHING!
NoWireHangers: Same here.
Delicious: I just did take the blue one. Half a lortab makes the Repug senate easier to survive. (Not to mention the Bell’s Palsy–doesn’t make it go away but I feel happier.) Why can’t Reid grow a set? And why can’t Boxer get her senate gal-pal Feinstein in a locked room and beat the shit out of her until she’s as tough as Babs, Oklahoma’s favorite senator. Ugh, the fave of the four dozen or so Democrats still left in the state. (See her smackdown of Jim Inhofe. Pow, take that dip shit.)
DustBowlBlues: Unless your daughter is male, unemployed, spends all day on Wonkette, and understands obscure Battlestar Galactica references, I don’t think so.
ManchuCandidate: I think that, if I could figure out what the fuck you’re talking about, you would have all the answers to this mess.
I actually used TurboTax this year in honor of our savior Tim.
But yeah this forgiving student loans talk is where it’s at. I mean, it’s not like I’m USING my degree or anything. That should count for SOMETHING.
Shithead Brooks loves this plan. We are going broke. Then we will die.
Hooray For Anything: I could also be her daughter.
Geithner is a Klingon; am I really the only one who has noticed this? sheesh.
I blame the transition team.
Come on people! At least the shareholders in these failed/failing banks/financial services companies won’t be wiped out, thanks to us taxpayers. Why should they have to suffer? They only invested in these institutions and then looked the other way when the huge motherfucking profits came rolling in and never asked any questions about how or why this was happening. Is that a crime? To not perform any oversight whatsoever on the institution in which you invested? I mean, that’s what Boards of Directors are for, right? What’s that you say? The directors are the major shareholders? Cuz that’s how you get on the board in the first place? Whatever! Shovel some taxpayer money their way. They shouldn’t suffer. They worked so hard to manipulate currencies and sell worthless securities based on bald-faced lies. Really, I think you’re being unreasonable here. This has nothing to do with hungry people in Michigan, silly. Nothing at all. Move along please. Wealthy people in line first, poor people go home, if you have one.
Are you a Good Bank or a Bad Bank?
…use TurboTARP and find out!
DustBowlBlues: I like your plan. As far as kebabs, would you want to eat Mitch McConnell or any of these other guys. They would taste just… awful. When I brought this up in an earlier post, I was advised to render them first, then grill. Really, I think we just use them as fertilizer for our Victory Gardens. Lots of N-P-K!
My other idea is raids fueled by homebrewed mead on Repug villages. We can take what we want and burn the rest!
Servo: Tim Geithner = Gaius Baltar ?
DustBowlBlues: Vitter has something I’d like to see speared in a kebab.
BACK TO SQUARE ONE … THIS GUY IS GOING TO NEED MR TURBOTAX Vs. 200-billion PLUS…. ANOTHER FAILURE???
BARRY … MAY AS WELL ASK CONGRESS FOR ANOTHER 1.5 TRILLION…. WORK THE POL NUMBERS WHILE YOU CAN !!!
umm, botox?