Wonkette
The way this Barack Obama character is always on the teevee, you’d think we live in a country of sadsack losers who plop down in front of the teevee the moment they get home from the unemployment office. And you would be right! So, fancy Internet and Facebook and whatever to get the money, from the elites, and then prime-time propaganda to win over the other 270 million Americans. Let’s do pre-game coverage, now!
7:33 PM — Uhh, isn’t anybody talking about this? Chris Matthews, what are you doing, a movie review?
7:33 PM — Yes, fucking Chris Matthews is interviewing KEVIN BACON, the ’70s porn star, instead of saying a bunch of stuff about Obama’s first prime-time press conference, etc.
7:34 PM — And on CNN, that fat orange-headed dumb fraud Lou Dobbs, this sputtering shitbag. Let’s see, “so-called stimulus plan,” “communist China,” some drawling cracker (Richard Shelby!) ….
7:36 PM — FOX NEWS comes through! Not really, but Shepherd Smith is like Einstein & Mencken combined, after watching Lou Dobbs drool bullshit for 90 seconds. Anyway, what’s this Barack show going to be about? Will it have production values? Or will he just be hassled by losers?
7:38 PM — We do know, according to the famous newspaper the New York Times and its handy news alert electronic bulletin feature, that “Senate Democrats on Monday advanced the $827 economic
stimulus bill.” Hmm, that’s not so much money! Who knew you could save the Economy for less than a thousand dollars! [Thanks to Wonkette Operative "Bryan K." for forwarding that news alert. What would we do without the NYT? Laugh a lot less, that's what.]
7:41 PM — The actual news article says $838 billion, and blah blah clears hurdle Senate moderates, 61-36.
7:42 PM — The CBS affiliate has Dr. Phil, the NBC channel has what’s her name, the lesbian funny lady, some local news on the CBS channel. Make a romantic Valentine’s Day dinner for under $20! Oh god we are actually in a serious Depression, aren’t we?
7:45 PM — “Call it a gourmet bailout plan ….” Really?
7:46 PM — “Simply saute frozen pre-cooked shrimp ….”
7:46 PM — Reporter: “And it will look just as good as if you went to a fancy restaurant?” HEY THAT’S THE FROZEN RACK OF LAMB FROM TRADER JOE’S!
7:47 PM — Yay, Lou Dobbs is done (for the night, anyway).
7:51 PM — Oh joy, the Best Political Team on CNN is here, talking, just like we wanted! Anderson Cooper and his fuzz-chinned hobbit “Wolfen” are ready to go!
7:53 PM — A White House servant just vacuumed the briefing room Red Carpet!
7:53 PM — Well, your editor is now a bit disappointed that he volunteered for the pre-game liveblogging duty, because this has been terrible.
7:54 PM — Campbell Brown wants you to know that even with all the carping and bullshit from the Washington press corps, 76% of the Americans approve of this president guy, Barack Obama, who actually was just sworn in, etc.
7:56 PM — John King has polls to show … that Obama needs to have a success, to save his presidency. Jesus fucking christ, no wonder your editor hasn’t turned on the teevee since the Inauguration.
7:58 PM — All these people are awful. They should be frozen alive until needed again, possibly in the 23rd Century, to feed to Space Monsters.
7:59 PM — Your pal Jim Newell is taking over in a minute, and your current liveblogging editor will just stare at the wall, seething, about god knows what.
8:00 PM — Good-bye forever! Go here, now.
WE NEED WALNUTS!
I’d actually be scared with HIM saying: “The End is Near!”
Which channel are we watching? I’m on Chris because he just had a near-smackdown with a senile old Republican who lied about Carter. Now Chris has to come back and announce the loser old man lied.
Ooh, I missed Lou Dobbs. Can someone please tell me if the borders are still broken?
I’m just dropping in to use the word “Keynesian” followed by a bunch of gibberish…
They should have Joe Biden sing the national anthem before it starts.
I suggested to the nice folks at the unemployment office that it would be nice if they did install a teevee and make better god damn coffee.
Apparently there have been cut backs.
Ken, ur dollar needs to say “HAULIN A$$ GETTIN PAID” to be legal
Only Lou could drive me into the lovin’ arms of Tweety!
I agree with Trippi and Chris–Just take your votes and let the fucking Rs. filibuster it. They fucked up the bill with tax cuts and the Rs still won’t vote for it. Why are Dems so afraid of that damn 60 vote deal? It never stopped the Repugs.
Anyone remember Lou Dobbs bitching about the Ivy League elite? He’s Harvard ‘67.
I left my tv on channel 2 for the grammys yesterday, and i don’t have a remote, so i’m hoping this is on channel 2.
Oh gawd theyre making fun of that chick who had 800 babies. msnbc it is.
Oh, and is Al Franken ever going to be seated?
I don’t know which channel I am watching because I just took my gun and blew up the teevee.
I’m stupid, but Chris Matthews is asking if Barack will have to talk about A-Rod, who I learn took steriods while playing for THE RANGERS! Who’s even heard of them??
Please please declare Martial Law. Fuck it, go for it, Prez.
Order the markets to rally. At gunpoint.
A-rod is talking about his years with the Rangers was the 70s, for chrissakes. I was in Seattle when that little punk player for the Mariners. Innocent Rod actually demanded a private workout room from the Rangers because, you know, working out and flying with the rest of the team was so beneath him. Or maybe he has a teeny, teeny penis is embarrassed for other people to see it.
OMG Hulu has a live stream of the news conference with sexy black and white photos of Barry in the header:
http://www.hulu.com/spotlight/obamapresidency
This is awesome, because it means I don’t have to deal with the suckiness of CSPAN, CNN, or MSNBC.
Why does Simon lisp Gei”TH”ner, when everybody else says it the other way?
My gourmet Valentine’s day plan: Smirnoff vodka + Chipotle Burrito + chips & guac for under $20.
Nothing gets you in the mood to masturbate while weeping alone at home like vodka, beans, and guacamole.
DemmeFatale: Boy, isn’t that the truth! Lou was exceptionally full of douchyness tonight.
DustBowlBlues: BTW–this post is dedicated to Jim and Pollster.
DustBowlBlues: Ha ha, nope. Minnesota is no longer actually a full fledged state in our country (thank God!) because they couldn’t hold a simple election. Minnesota has been turned over to Canada, and all Minnnesotans are now subjects of Her Royal Highness Queen Elizabeth II.
Colander: Since Bush II has been flushed no President ever has to comment about sports again. Ever.
this is gonna be rough. Chris Matthews: “Do we have to catch Bin Laden?” Um…why the fuck would you even ask that? This is why I watch Wonkette.tv only.
jagorev: All ya need is an eagle-tear falling from his eye in that pic to complete it.
I’m with Keith because he was snarky and humorous when he was on ESPN.
My valentine’s day on the cheap to myself: a fleshlight and a doctor prescribe 1mg tablet of FAKE Xanax…
Yay! No more fake cowboy, stick-up-the-butt swagger!
So many bald spots in the press corps. When will there be a bailout for hair, huh Barry?
He’s hardly through his first paragraph and counting the Lunesta to see if I have enough left to kill me.
If they bail out foodbanks, no salaries over $500K.
Don’t seethe Ken. Just pour yourself a screwdrive and imagine Lou Dobbs being cockslapped by a thousand Mexican immigrants. That always restores my delusions of a just universe.
I’m getting a Keynesian hard-on right now.
Ken’s leaving? That’s okay, I guess, since he scares me. Jim’s a punk kid and we can kick him around.
Shit–Am I going to be banned? You know I love you Jim, just like a son.
He’s one of the lesser god. Why do the Repugs not just roll over, then sit up and pant, begging for a dog cookie from him? Do anything this man demands, now, or we’ll all perish. No hyperbole, people–just the fucking truth.
Master Newell has a new liveblog.
We want Sara! We want Sara! We want Sara!
Serve a greater purpose. He’s admitting he’s an Islam?
Great fern fronds around the stage. Really adds to the look.
This is super nerdy, but Obama is wearing the same tie he wore during his primetime commercial. It’s a hawt tie.