Wonkette
In a stunning display of Republican racism, a band of devilish raccoons has invaded the White House grounds with a list of immediate demands, including War in Iran. If bitten by a raccoon, Barack Obama could suffer what Beltway Insiders are calling his most devastating setback in what has already been a catastrophic presidency: rabies.
A small band of masked intruders has broken into the secure White House grounds and has evaded capture by agents of the new Obama administration, officials said today.
The National Park Service is in pursuit of one very large raccoon and several medium-sized raccoons, who have been spotted roaming the grounds around the Executive Mansion and the West Wing, a spokesman said.
“The idea of raccoons on the White House grounds give us great pause,” spokesman Bill Burton said.
When will Barack Obama wake up and realize that the world isn’t some rainbow-filled, child-molesting unicorn farm, but is in fact very, very dangerous?
Raccoons Invade White House Grounds [WP]
How could Amehrica let a family of coons invade the white house?
Wow. That just felt racist to type.
It should be safe there, now that Dick’s gone.
This calls for an old fashioned strong REPUBLICAN response. Break out the wetsuits and dildos!
Catching urban raccoons is about the easiest thing in the world, since they aren’t least bit ’scared of people. Put out a pile of food, take 10 steps back, sit and wait with a shotgun (or even a .22).
HAHA REPUBLICANS. WHAT DIRT CAN YOU PICK UP ON OUR NEW H.H.S. Secretary now? Huh?
“So far, the raccoons have evaded capture despite the presence of several “live traps,” which are essentially cages with a one-way doors to keep the animals inside.
The traps are baited with apples, cat food and peanut butter, Burton said, but so far to little avail.”
The raccoons are laughing hysterically and pointing their little paws at the traps, mocking them. One does not catch raccoons. Raccoons are smarter than your average Bush family member.
Looks like Ogden’s been leaving his porn stash in the Rose Garden already. Them animals are getting all heated up and stuff.
Andy Card is right now complaining that the raccoons during the Bush administration used to wear suit jackets.
What, exactly, did you type into Google Image Search to pull up that one?
I hope Andrew Sullivan doesn’t see that picture.
Call me when watermelons start *suddenly* sprouting up in the White House garden.
Is this the test Joe Biden was talking about?
Lascauxcaveman: Well, once the security folks get involved, it won’t be none of that down-home stuff, no siree! I expect something involving a weird pistol with a long silencer and - i dunno - black leather gloves and a ski mask? and then maybe the guy who is called in has to torture a few raccoons (or 5-columnist dogs) to find out who is behind it. I’m thinking the pandas.
That beagle is the most tragic thing I’ve seen since, well…everyday brings a new one. The 93-year-old vet who froze to death because his utilities were turned off was yesterday’s. But this pic is breaking my dog-loving heart. Get her (him) to Al-Anon or some other therapy to work on her self-esteem issues. She is from a proud species, and should behave as such.
They love hot dogs.
qwerty42: Butterstick!
Security lapse! We’re being attacked! Dick Cheney was right! Again!!
Oh No! Surprise buttsecks.
Oh, the humanity!
Let them stay. We can strap little Coon Cams™ and frickin laser beams on their heads.
Is ‘Racoon’ Dick Cheney’s secret service name or something?
L Urchin: Am I maybe projecting a little too much here?
I was at a flea market in Ohio over the summer and a guy selling replicas of weapons from Lord Of The Rings predicted this exact thing!!
I, for one, can’t wait to find out what knee-slapping funny ol’ Rush is going to come up with when he recounts this news item on his radio show…
The most important thing to remember about raccoons: make them pay for it up front, the cheap fuckers.
L Urchin: Yes, I am. Carry on with the animal-miscegenatory buttsecks.
magic titty: sadly, and unremarked, yet another example of the declining state of the union. now raccoons and dogs…..who would have expected this? the terrorists have won.
Zorg: Fuck, Limbaugh probably released the raccoons himself just so he could make those jokes and play innocent. “What? What I’d say? They are ‘coons! You libruls are so racist!”
I assume the racoons have a plan to perform a coup. I, for one, welcome our new rabies-carrying, trash-eating overlords.
Instead of a Labradoodle or whatever the Prez needs a good ‘ol Plotts, Redbone, Walker, or Blue Tick!
qwerty42:” This city is headed for a disaster of biblical proportions.
Fire and brimstone coming down from the skies! Rivers and seas boiling!
Forty years of darkness! Earthquakes, volcanoes…
The dead rising from the grave!
Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together… mass hysteria!”
>Tim McDowell, a raccoon-trapper with 15 years of experience in the Washington area, says the National Park Service is probably using the wrong cages or the wrong bait.
“See, their cages probably don’t smell right,” McDowell explained. “They probably don’t have the smell of other raccoons on ‘em.”
McDowell has already removed birds that were flying inside the U.S. Capitol, but he says that he’s always dreamed of catching a raccoon on the White House grounds. <
This is a man who has dreams, big dreams, dreams that should embarass those of us whose greatest dream is to be a *starred* commentor on the Wonkette snark blog!
2goats: Especially since you can’t get any freaking stars anymore.
Doglessliberal:
The traps are baited with apples, cat food and peanut butter, Burton said, but so far to little avail.”
The raccoons are laughing hysterically and pointing their little paws at the traps, mocking them. One does not catch raccoons. Raccoons are smarter than your average Bush family member.
The bait is smarter than your average Bush family member.
The Obamas already got a dog, and it already has a boyfriend? Why didn’t I hear about this?
The Raccoons know that if they don’t attack now, Obama is going to socialize them all and limit their income to only $500,000.00 a year. The Raccoons are the last, desperate hope of us all.
2goats: You do wonder about this guy’s personal life…THIS is his dream?
tunamelt: damn straight. Life has not been the same since the stars left us.
Tra: And so the salmonella in the PB is clearly smarter than your average Bush family member.
Serolf Divad: Would it be a “Face of the Day” or “View from Your Window”?
tunamelt
And we can’t even earn whore diamonds either. Also.
Serolf Divad: Hell, Andrew Sullivan posed for that picture.
Don’t shoot!!1! It’s just Ranger Rick and his delegation coming to speak to the President about our precious National Forests!!!1!
SayItWithWookies: glad i’m not the only who noticed that those raccoons are naked
Rick Santorum’s dream has almost come true…coon-on-dog is only a half-step from man-on-dog.
Yep, Cheney learned how to shape-shift.
Lionel Hutz Esq.: I’m guessing he’s the beagle?
I’m thinking what we’re really seeing is some hot Furry lovin’. There’s a dude in a crotchless Barney suit who’s waiting be be next. People who are going to Disney World in the near future shouldn’t be watching this stuff. Also.
I hate furries.
sarahconnor: It’s soooo disrespectful to the office. Karl Rove wouldn’t dream of touching the hind parts of a beagle without putting a jacket and tie on first.
Doglessliberal: Tra: The visuals come easy on this one. W’s on his knees next to the cage, desperately trying to figure out how to get the sweet, sweet cat food inside. Foiled, he finally gives up and goes to ask Alberto or some other smart guy how to get into the cage.
SayItWithWookies: WIN X 1,000,000
Dick Cheney just came out and announced that if President Obama had continued their policy of water boarding all Raccoons, the White House would never have come under attack.
AWOcoholic: The leadoff hittah, FTW. Of course, this is what everyone’s racist bones in their bodies were thinking.
Also: this picture just cries out for alt-text. Dammit.
DangerousLiberal: or a Blingee?
now I get it … no wonder $335 Million Handout for Condoms and Sex-Ed Programs are being included in the Stimulus Bill…..
L Urchin: No.
All I know is that if that were my beagle, he’d definitely be pitching, not catching.
Hillary would have known what to do with these raccoons.
I bet “bill” could have used them and trow them under the bus…
OH … OH..OH … I NEVER HAD SEXUAL RELATIONS WITH THAT RACCOON …. I SOLEMNLY SWEAR !!!!
NoNewKidontheBlock: Unfortunately, this plan backfires because only those people capable of finding their dicks in the dark can use the prescribed birth control method. Twenty years from now the electorate will be majority Republican again.
What an interesting combination of photo/title.
I sure hope you’re rehearsing your story: “What do you mean the photo suggests something? What do you see in it, you perv?”
I told you, “There goes the neighborhood!”
For advice regarding raccoon problems, check out this raccoon Blog.