LIZARD PEOPLE  1:09 pm January 30, 2009

by Ken Layne

ANCIENT SEX LIZARD MAKES BABIES: A gruesome, century-old cancer-ridden basilisk in New Zealand somehow impregnated another monster, and 11 baby Cockatrice hatched on Monday. Change is here! [National Geographic]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 59 comments }

shortsshortsshorts January 30, 2009 at 1:13 pm

The Lizard People take their REVENGE.

Texan Bulldoggette January 30, 2009 at 1:14 pm

Come on now: Elizabeth ‘knocked up again’ Hasselbeck is not that old.

Fivetree January 30, 2009 at 1:14 pm

And momma plans on breast feeding all of them. I am just waiting for Elisabeth Halfawit to produce the equivalent pitcher of lizard milk on “The View”.

An American in Toronto January 30, 2009 at 1:15 pm

Insert Larry King joke here.

masterdebater January 30, 2009 at 1:16 pm

I just have to read sloower, and more completely. I thought this was another PUMA post, at first glance.

thongthongthong January 30, 2009 at 1:16 pm

I keep hearing someone in the back saying, “hennngh.” Who is that man, Smithers?

JeffGoldblum January 30, 2009 at 1:17 pm

THIS IS THE DAY THE CURTAIN FALLS!!! THE REPTILIANS HAVE SPAWNED IN THEIR ORIGINAL SHAPE!! TAKE ALL YOUR MONEY OUT OF THE BANKS AND CONVERT IT TO GOLD — TRADE GOLD FOR GUNS — HEAD FOR THE WILDERNESS!! THE SHADOW GOVERNMENT IS MAKING ITSELF KNOWN.. SHEEPLE!

freakishlystrong January 30, 2009 at 1:18 pm

[re=232816]thongthongthong[/re]: Damn you thong(thrice)!

LittlePig January 30, 2009 at 1:18 pm

Henry was at least 70 years old when he arrived at the museum, “a grumpy old man” who attacked other tuataras—including females—until a cancerous tumor was removed from his genitals in 2002

I know pecker cancer really puts me off my game.

TGY January 30, 2009 at 1:19 pm

Oh, fine. Aged reptiles mating.

[re=232816]thongthongthong[/re]: Yes. I blame Viagra.

hockeymom January 30, 2009 at 1:19 pm

Did Coulter move to New Zealand?

freakishlystrong January 30, 2009 at 1:20 pm

Cockatrice; Sarah Palin’s next spawn’s name…

jagorev January 30, 2009 at 1:22 pm

Oh, hey, this’ll help you sleep at night:

But the [tuatara] is actually evolving faster than any other animal studied so far, new DNA analysis reveals.

From: http://tinyurl.com/32wrq5

Naked Bunny with a Whip January 30, 2009 at 1:23 pm

Yay! More masturbation-fantasy material!

masterdebater January 30, 2009 at 1:23 pm

[re=232821]hockeymom[/re]:

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner!

AngryBlakGuy January 30, 2009 at 1:24 pm

…geez, wasn’t Trig enough?!

Dr Tobias Funke January 30, 2009 at 1:24 pm

Walnuts and Cindy did what?

Red Zeppelin January 30, 2009 at 1:28 pm

[re=232830]Dr Tobias Funke[/re]: I just looked at this thread–I’m disappointed no one made a Walnuts comment until post 17!

BillyClubb January 30, 2009 at 1:29 pm

The centenarian tuatara, named Henry, was thought well past the mating game until he was caught canoodling with a female named Mildred last March

Strom Thurmond (otherwise known as ‘Sperm Thurmond’) would be so envious!

Tommy Says Soooo January 30, 2009 at 1:30 pm

The California octuplets will still rule after the baby lizards feed on their sibliungs.

Rush January 30, 2009 at 1:30 pm

I’ll never be able to allow my kids to watch Barney the Dinosaur again (thank jeebsus)

ManchuCandidate January 30, 2009 at 1:30 pm

Norm Coleman just sued to have these lizard babies counted in the forever MN Senate election.

The Cold Sea January 30, 2009 at 1:30 pm

“..he was caught canoodling..” Isn’t that what happened to Mark Foley?

Monsieur Grumpe January 30, 2009 at 1:31 pm

A bit early for my daily dose of grumpy lizard porn but what the heck.

bago January 30, 2009 at 1:31 pm

These are the ones that turn you to stone, yes?

NoWireHangers January 30, 2009 at 1:31 pm

This is still less disturbing than the lady who had octuplets in California earlier this week. By the way, she underwent fertility treatments. She’s in her 30s, lives with her parents, and there’s no word about the father of the babies (not that there’s anything wrong with that but it gets better), also she already has SIX children. WHAT the fuck do you need more babies for when you have SIX already. SIX kids is a lot. Sounds like she has some kind of compulsive Duggar child birthing disease…

http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2009/01/30/earlyshow/health/main4764432.shtml

getoffmylawn January 30, 2009 at 1:31 pm

Ken, so you were the one other person watching that basilisk movie on the SciFi channel last weekend. We are so pathetic.

jagorev January 30, 2009 at 1:32 pm

I wonder if Caroline Kennedy is at least going to get child support from Sulzberger.

[re=232831]Red Zeppelin[/re]: #6 is a Walnuts ref

Larry McAwful January 30, 2009 at 1:35 pm

[re=232817]JeffGoldblum[/re]: Black helicopter rides on Saturday until 5 PM! Only 10 ameros per half hour! Bring the kids! 20% discount for all Illuminati!

tunamelt January 30, 2009 at 1:35 pm

[re=232840]NoWireHangers[/re]: This is the fault of The Learning Channel. I heard about this and I’m just so annoyed. Imagine the state of her vagina.

Red Zeppelin January 30, 2009 at 1:37 pm

[re=232842]jagorev[/re]: You’re right! Too subtle for me, prob b/c I’m hungover.

a-petit dejeuner January 30, 2009 at 1:39 pm

[re=232813]An American in Toronto[/re]: [re=232816]thongthongthong[/re]: awesomewinsauce. I really thought Ken was talking about actual people. Me = slow.

rev_matt_y January 30, 2009 at 1:40 pm

[re=232827]masterdebater[/re]: “Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner!”

Ladies and gentlemen, she has a wiener!

There, fixed it for you.

Kev-O-Tron January 30, 2009 at 1:41 pm

[re=232845]tunamelt[/re]: HA HA HA! The state of her vagina?

That baby cave probably looks like a catchers mitt at this point.

AngryBlakGuy January 30, 2009 at 1:46 pm

[re=232840]NoWireHangers[/re]: …they should remove her uterus and put in a glass case in a museum.

jagorev January 30, 2009 at 1:47 pm

[re=232854]Kev-O-Tron[/re]: That baby cave probably looks like a catchers mitt at this point.

But enough about Sarah Palin.

Monsieur Grumpe January 30, 2009 at 1:53 pm

[re=232845]tunamelt[/re]:
Sex would be like a BB in box car.

PerhapsSo January 30, 2009 at 1:55 pm

How very Harry Potter of you, Ken.

PerhapsSo January 30, 2009 at 2:02 pm

Ooh, they had a champagne breakfast to celebrate. I want to move to New Zealand.

http://www.cnn.com/2009/TECH/science/01/29/lizard.reproduces/index.html

Crankenstank January 30, 2009 at 2:04 pm

Ken, you omitted the fact his cancer was on his reptile-bits-n-pieces. I’d hate to see the standards of Wonkette diminished by failing to add gratuitous mention of tumors on lizard dicks. For shame.

ladymacbeth January 30, 2009 at 2:08 pm

[re=232840]NoWireHangers[/re]: brangelina.

IceCreamEmpress January 30, 2009 at 2:14 pm

END TIMES ARE UPON US Y’ALL!

WadISay January 30, 2009 at 2:17 pm

I’ll keep this for the next time I am asked, daddy, where do Republicans come from?

PerhapsSo January 30, 2009 at 2:20 pm

[re=232840]NoWireHangers[/re]: The CNN article said the father of the babies is a contractor about to go back to Iraq.

If I had 14 kids under the age of 8, I would move back in with the parents, too. Good God, that’s a lot of work.

bitchincamaro January 30, 2009 at 2:23 pm

I understand he’ll now be partaking in the Tour de France this year.

Bronkers January 30, 2009 at 2:29 pm

[re=232842]jagorev[/re]: [Arthur Ochs] Sulzberger (and The Times?) Or Ed Schlossberg, the inexplicable performance something guy… This lizard seems to perform more brilliantly than Hamptons Eddie.

jagorev January 30, 2009 at 2:31 pm

[re=232924]Bronkers[/re]: Yes, Pinch Sulzberger and Caroline have maybe had sexy time. More from Pareene here:

http://tinyurl.com/8tpp8y

Bronkers January 30, 2009 at 2:46 pm

[re=232927]jagorev[/re]: Thanks for the update… call me clueless heretofore.

More power to them… or at least her. Though it all has a sort of George Plimpton/Louis Auchincloss tinge to it. In which case the sexytime is suffused with faded madras and one of the university clubs in midtown.

Mad Farmer Manifest January 30, 2009 at 2:48 pm

Jesus Ken, you must be working overtime to re-up your nerd certification. (And yes, it does take one to know one.)

Is that dragon looking at porn?

qwerty42 January 30, 2009 at 2:51 pm

I think we’re looking at the next RNC chair!

cal January 30, 2009 at 2:52 pm

THIS IS GREAT NEWS FOR JOHN MCCAIN

IceCreamEmpress January 30, 2009 at 3:02 pm

I wonder if Caroline Kennedy is at least going to get child support from Sulzberger.

From Schlossberg, you mean? I don’t think he ever earns any money to speak of. She will probably have to pay him alimony.

Mr Blifil January 30, 2009 at 3:12 pm

I think the plural is Cockatrixes. But you got the “cock” part right.

Min January 30, 2009 at 3:16 pm

Geez. At 111, I’d be hostile to potential mates, too.

Incredulicious January 30, 2009 at 3:27 pm

Sadly, the offspring has a measly 12 hit points. But this is made up for by a -2 armor class and +1 dexterity.

NoWireHangers January 30, 2009 at 3:46 pm

[re=232905]PerhapsSo[/re]: I wonder if CNN has the story straight because my local NBC station and CBS said that the grandfather was the one going back to Iraq. Unless, ALL men involved are going to Iraq, which doesn’t really help any of this. It makes my head spin.

DustBowlBlues January 30, 2009 at 4:32 pm

Wait–you talking about a monster lizard, or that woman who dropped a litter of 8 this week? WTF–I had to work it in, since I just heard on MSNBC that psycho already had 6 and the family’s filed for bankruptcy, or something. This some as a real surprise because, you know, I was convinced someone who intentionally had 8 barely-visible-with-the-naked-eye babies was a picture of sanity and reason. I’m shocked to know they’re actually freaks.

DustBowlBlues January 30, 2009 at 4:35 pm

[re=232905]PerhapsSo[/re]: “If I had 14 kids under the age of 8, I would move back in with the parents, too. Good God, that’s a lot of work.”

And if I were her mother, I’d move without leaving a forwarding address.

thongthongthong January 30, 2009 at 7:30 pm

[re=233172]DustBowlBlues[/re]: If she has 14 tits, it won’t be so bad. I wouldn’t be so judgmental; that’s not species transcendence.

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