Wonkette
Over the past two months, Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich charmed his way into America’s heart with his nutty appointment schemes, his liberal use of swear words, his employment of dead babies as stage props, and of course his national media blitz this week when the Illinois state legislature was debating his impeachment. He decided to come back to make a PASSIONATE SPEECH today, which we will now write about.
Oh you can watch the whole thing on MSNBC, streaming live, now!
Also this is going to take 90 minutes and we are sure as shit not going to write through this whole goddamn thing.
12: 08 PM — Blago wanted to harass literally every member of the United States government into testifying in this ridiculous trial, but Fitzgerald wouldn’t let him.
12:09 PM — Wow, no notes! Question: what Kipling poem will he recite from memory this time?
12:11 PM — Jesus this guy is WORDY. Shorter Blago: “I did nothing wrong.” It has taken him 5 minutes to say this.
12:13 PM — “All of us in politics” say shady things about wanting stuff in exchange for a Senate appointment. We all can agree on that!
12:13 PM — He sort of has a point here. It is kind of shitty for a state legislature to throw a governor out of office when you can’t prove they’ve done anything criminal. That’ss the crazy thing about this guy — he’s a complete joke and a circus clown, but he isn’t completely wrong about everything. If you close your eyes and imagine, oh, Donald Sutherland saying this stuff instead, it actually starts to sound reasonable.
12:16 PM — Now he goes off the deep end. “I am being persecuted for delivering better health care to low-income families.”
12:17 PM — Oh good god now he is telling some dumb anecdote about how John Warner, who was once married to Elizabeth Taylor — true story! — mistook him for some sort of Senate slave and asked him for coffee. Twice!
12:19 PM — A review of how a bill becomes a law. This is why his “passionate rebuttal” is going to take 90 minutes: because he is an insufferable blabbermouth.
12:21 PM — The camera pans around the room. Many bored legislators, doodling.
12:24 PM — The FDA didn’t want him to get Canadian flu vaccines, because they hate old people.
12:25 PM — BRB must reheat quesadilla.
12:27 PM — PRESCRIPTION DRUGZ WUZ RAHM EMANUEL’S FAULT.
12:29 PM — How could a man this personally off-putting get elected the governor of a large state, twice? Did people not notice he was a complete egomaniac with a persecution complex?
12:30 PM — We have hung in here for 30 minutes and performed our Duty for America. No more of this nonsense. Goodbye forever, Rod Blagojevich.
na na na na
na na na na
hey hey hey
good bye
How much for this liveblog?
Shorter Blago: “I did nothing wrong.” It has taken him 5 minutes to say this.
In fairness, he’s talking to Illinoisans.
He’s totally talking in circles.
And the legislature’s response to the 90-minute screed will be “kthxbai”
Fuck you Blago, don’t drag John Warner down with you.
A Kipling poem would be impressive, sure, but I’d be more impressed if he’d recite some of the Just-So Stories from memory. What are the chances of that?
It’s not about him being completely wrong, or “criminal”. It’s about him being fucking insane all the time forever.
Just take him out back and shoot him.
Donald Sutherland is the one reason I loved that defunct chick President teevee show so much.
Lust for larfs, I turned the CNN on for a total of 12 seconds and he’s going on about flu shots, so I think his strategy now is to filibuster his way outta this thing.
One thing that G-Rod’s been hoping no one comments on is that this isn’t a criminal trial, it’s a performance review. And he’s about to get fired for being a shitty employee.
Although, looking back on all the crappy jobs I’ve had over the years, being able to have called in witnesses during my performance reviews would have made them much more interesting.
Despite the zaniness, he’s still smarter than Sarah Palin.
THIS IS A GENOCIDE OF OLD PEOPLE. THOSE FASCISTS.
From one guy with nice hair to another:
Blaggy’s Blaze of Glory
I wake up in the morning
And I comb my bushy hair
I got delusions for a pillow
And a TV studio was last nights stead
I don’t know where I’m going
Fuck if I know where Ive been
I’m a Blago on the run
A quid pro lover
An “Angel” on the take
When you’re brought into this world
They say you’re born in sin
Well at least they gave me that hair
I didn’t have to steal or have to win
Well Fitz tells me that I’m wanted
Yeah I’m a wanted man
I’m that dolt at your table
I’m Kimble was to Gerrard
Mister catch me if you can
I’m going down in a blaze of “glory”
Take me now but know the truth
I’m going down in a blaze of “glory”
Lord I never asked first
But I took first dibs
I’m no ones gov
Call me the deluded One
You ask about my conscience
And I show you all my hair
You ask if I’ll grow to be a rich man
Well I ask if I stop paying bills
You ask me if I had power
And what its like to spread taint in the state
Well,I’ve seen bribes come
And Ive seen’em shot down
I’ve seen it die in vain
Impeached in a blaze of glory
Take me now but know the truth
cause I’m going down in a blaze of glory
Lord I never asked first
But I took first dibs
I’m no ones gov
Call me the deluded One
It’s not my fault, it’s Rahm Emmanuel! He done it! Oh hey sparkly things…
Remember when they impeached Clinton when he didn’t do anything illegal?
HMMMMMM….
shortsshortsshorts: Forget that. He lied under penalty of perjury. Dammit.
Quesadilla WANT.
“It is kind of shitty for a state legislature to throw a governor out of office when you can’t prove they’ve done anything criminal.”
The great thing about impeachment is that it has nothing to do with criminal charges - when someone is truly a douche bag, it gives the state a chance to get rid of them. The requirement for impeachment is basically whatever the legislature decides is so terrible that warrants them not being governor anymore.
Hell, they should have done this years ago on account of his hair alone.
I’m suffering from Blaggo Burnout.
Larry McAwful: I’d rather hear some Coleridge all about albatrosses and whatnot.
Actually, I might pay for that. I mean, for fuck’s sake, that’s worth some serious money, you don’t give it away for free.
How could a man this personally off-putting get elected the governor of a large state, twice? Did people not notice he was a complete egomaniac with a persecution complex?
Whenever I hear a variation of this question at work, I kindly remind them about Captain Slappy, GWB, who was somehow our president for eight years.
Two comments from my sister in Chicago:
This is actually the Rick Moranis speech from Ghostbusters.
And
HOw long will it take to get his name off of all the tolls booths.
shortsshortsshorts: Well, not the consenting-adult part, that wasn’t illegal, per se.
I think they *technically* impeached Clinton for lying to Congress or somesuch.
I think he should recite “The Raven” myself.
Either that or “Annabel Lee” which would make as much fucking sense as any of the other poetry he’s spouted during this whole brouhaha.
Or maybe the limerick about the man from Nantucket. I’m not choosy.
Oh damn, I was having what looked like a possibly pruductive day and wonkette pulls me back with a Blago event. Just signed on–have I missed any poetry or other dramatic readings?
This hearing has been pretty disappointing in its lack of craziness…
At the end, did he take out a hand grenade, pull the pin and clutch it to his chest? That was the outcome I was hoping for.
Shooting at the walls of heartache…bang, bang….I am the WARRIOR!
I could recite a poem for him, a long one and more fitting to capture Blago’s soaring rhetoric. I memorized Jabberwocky in high school and, oddly, it’s the only thing from those days I’ve never forgotten.
Think how dazzled they’ll all be if he finished, “Twas brillig . . .”
Really, he didn’t go to Harvard? Knock me over with a feather.
“I didn’t try to sell myself to the national media”
Uhh, right. So that was Rahm Emmanuel on the View?
shortsshortsshorts: Which is not to be confused with committing actual perjury. Which he didn’t do. But he did stick a cigar up her yonic folds, and for that nugget, Ken Starr, we are eternally thankful. God bless Pepperdine!
Cape Clod: Oh it’s still going…he’s talking about all the different neighborhoods where poor people live.
queeraselvis v 2.0: Fuck quesadilla for this special event. I got me a Twinkie!
chicagirl: I think he just can’t tell the difference. If he did, I’m sure he would have resigned a while ago. These Republican guys caught propositioning 8-year-old senate pages and tapping their feet in bathrooms and wondering why the guy in the next stall is wearing blue, they almost always resign even as they deny it. And even though they TOTALLY DIDN’T be gay and do an 8-ball with Ted Haggard, they resign anyway because they know they will never be able to do anything useful again, because of the time they DEFINITELY DID NOT send dirty texts to Dakota Fanning.
So, Blago is dumb enough to think that if this goes away, he’ll be able to go back to being the best gov. in the world (plausible), or he just doesn’t care as long as he can go on Oprah, Hannity, and Larry King, simultaneously (probable).
Toonces: And if douche-baggery was the criterion for impeachment, how did Chimpy survive eight years?
Oh, that’s right, I forgot: Congress was a bunch of pussies.
He outlines, in painstaking detail, a day in the life of a pathetic “Joe Illinois” and then says his only crime is loving him too much.
In the butt.
He thinks he’s presidential candidate John Edwards being asked what his greatest weakness is.
Aw Blago you’re breakin my heart with this woman who has a job making more than me and is still getting government help, poor thing has to take care of her kids! Imagine the horror!
Blah blah Blagojevich was bullied in school and didn’t make the cut to get into Harvard and his immigrant parents worked so hard to see him get elected twice by the people of Illinois to get things done. For herds of moms and disabled kids and old people.
Why didn’t he bring them with? Oh wait, we’ve got another hour to go.
I now feel qualified to be a subway/bus riding single mom working near Ohare, because we have heard this woman’s life story.
Rod, I confess maybe that you should quit your day job and star in some remakes of Frank Capra movies. Where they fade to black over the last scene and say “The End.”
The end.
What sells it is when his voice breaks. Oh man, I’m going to need another twinkie just to make myself feel better about what a hard life he’s had and how underappreciated he is, in his “bleak and lonely place.”
Only a few states where impeachments have been done? Put OK up on the board for five.
jbd: Coleridge
Blagojevich in Springfield did
Attempt to sell a Senate seat:
“I’ll sell this val’uble thing
The Prarie State pols will kiss my ring
And write the checks to me.”
That’s a start…
I love the Blagonator. He’s brought the entertainment back to politics and given me lots of opportunities to take cheap shots at my Illinoisan coworkers.
Zadig:
Noted Repubs Bob Allen, Vitter and Craig laugh at your theory.
Donald Sutherland?
If you’ll excuse me, my microwave johnnycakes are ready.
V572625694: Oh, that’s right, I forgot: Congress was a bunch of pussies.
Except for that one brave hobbit from Ohio who tried to take it on. Unfortunately, he was too annoying (redundant with “from Ohio,” I know, but still).
It ain’t that hard. If he simply issued a statement through an attorney about the lack of any proof of wrongdoing and the premature impeachment hearing, he’d have more credibility that standing up there and raving like a whiny lunatic while he buries a decent argument in sappy hooey.
Hold you tongue and not say much? Are you fucking joking?
actor212: Your response made me think: Wouldn’t it be great if Sujan Stevens could put out some kind of followup to “Come on feel the Illinoise” like “Come on feel the Illinoise AGAIN” and he could totally put in a winsome and peppy song about Blago, with lyrics like
O Blagovich with your impressive hair
As sound and inspiring as the Columbian Fair
We sing to thee O Serbian Saint!
We sing hosannas to your massive taint!
Zadig: At work (in Chicago), we’ve agreed that this is all an elaborate scheme to drum up a more favorable book deal.
Blago’s craziness would make for good TV, but hell, he’s so damn boring. Why can’t he be interesting? After ten minutes, Milorad’s got me dozing off. At least Slobodan Milosevic was interesting.
Can they impeach for dullness? They should. If they can stay awake long enough.
Larry McAwful: Yeah, but only if he does the racist accents.
The sad thing about Blagojago, is that he’s obv wearing a wig. I mean, when’s the last time you saw a dick-head with that much hair on it.
Red Zeppelin: If he does that, then he’ll either have better chances of being invited back on The View or they’d never have him back. I’d be curious to see which it would be.
I will say this: he has been successful in his REAL mission this week — completely and forever tainting the Federal jury pool when Fitzgerald et al. finally get around to indicting his egomaniacal ass on felony corruption charges. Props.
ManchuCandidate: I’m just outlining the parameters of sanity, post-allegations. Of course I don’t hold my breath waiting for people, especially congresspersons, to conform to them.
DustBowlBlues: Hmmmm… five impeachments, plus sending Coburn (!) and Inhofe (!!!) to the U.S. Freakin’ Senate…
there’s a “role model” state for ya. You betcha!
Mr Blifil: I haven’t heard the name “Ken Starr” in quite a while. Do I miss him?
OMG, please don’t end the liveblogging! It’s all I’ve got.
Larry McAwful:
If Blago comes packing some Coleridge, I say the opposition bust out some Shelley in retaliation.
BLAGZY-MANDIAS
I met a traveller from an antique land
Who said: Two vast and trunkless legs of stone
Stand in the desert. Near them on the sand,
Half sunk, a shatter’d visage lies, whose frown
And wrinkled lip and sneer of cold command and crazy helmet-hair
Tell that its sculptor well those passions read
Which yet survive, stamp’d on these lifeless things,
The hand that mock’d them and the heart that fed.
And on the pedestal these words appear:
“My name is Blagzy-mandias, king of kings:
Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!
I can parachute me there with this fucking valuable thing!”
Nothing beside remains: round the decay
Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare,
The lone and level sands stretch far away.
Only tangentially related, but who else is looking forward to tonight, when Ted Haggard will make a futile attempt at upstaging Blago, by telling us all about how he is Absolutely Not Gay*?
*(With exceptions made, of course, for the “one guy I’d go for” mulligan distributed to all straight men. Normally Christian Bale, but Haggard’s is probably something weird like Kenny Rogers)
In terms of tiny, crazy men who think that they have something to offer the world, but whose media blitzes leave them looking completely insane and desperate… has anyone ever seen Tom Cruise and Blagojevich in the same room together?
shortsshortsshorts: Your getting the band back together?
I’d like to thank the networks for giving this media whore all their coverage. How low can you go, peoples?
(I still say the above pic looks like Janet Reno.)
Hey Blago - get the fuck out of my teevee and internets - go away now - and please take Palin and Pelosi with you. I want none of you in my “life story” anymore.
Now let’s hear a big oration from Mr. Fitzgerald on how aggressively he connected Bush and Cheney to Libby in the Plame affair.
If you close your eyes and imagine, oh, Donald Sutherland saying this stuff instead
Unfortunately, I imagined Donald Pleasance saying it by accident, which only made it worse.
AnnieGetYourFun: You have said too much. The Sciento-Illuminati Lizardmen are en route to your office right now.
Seriously, any bets on Blago pulling off the mask at the 89-minute mark and sucking out all the legislators souls into an evil, pulsating ruby, as an offering to Xenu?
Good lord. This is given even ME some serious tired head…also.
-SP
AnnieGetYourFun: It’s prohibited. The blogosphere would explode.
“How could a man this personally off-putting get elected the governor of a large state, twice? Did people not notice he was a complete egomaniac with a persecution complex?”
The people of Illinois voted for the man that best represents them.
He is employing the “Chewbacca Defense”.
Dude on the Msnbc said he thought Blago was emplyoing the insanity defense when Blago told the tale of John Warner, Elizabeth Taylor & coffee Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
Chief Grinning Eagle: Win
how many uses of “ain’t” were there? Not taint….not going there today. Is usage of “ain’t” now legitimized for everyday usage? If yes, I now have to open up a time portal - with having a causality violation occur - and sternly correct all those grammar school teachers. One of them who was really hot. I mean really hot.
ManchuCandidate: Sweet Jebus, that’s impressive. If I were a 12 year old Jewish boy, I’d ask you to perform at my Bar Mitzvah.
Blago is the Blabberwock!! Please let someone’s vorpal blade go snicker-snack soon!!!
“‘Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.”
If you close your eyes and imagine, oh, Donald Sutherland saying this stuff instead
Unfortunately, I imagined Donald Pleasance saying it by accident, which only made it worse.
You’re both lucky. I channeled Donald Duck.
chicagirl: Spot on, Chitown lady! The entire week has been a book contract crusade. Illinois pols never want to go out on a blaze of glory; they want a blaze of money. George Ryan probably wrote him from jail to tell him not to make the same mistake: don’t let other people write your book. It would make a funny movie, too, with a foulmouthed comedienne (no shortage) playing Rod’s wife and maybe Chris Izaak, who has the hair down, playing Rod (too bad Andy Kaufman died).
getoffmylawn:
I know I’ve been sayin’ Blago should be impeached for sayin’ “I ain’t guily” a trillion times, not as they ALLEDGE (of course we know the people helper did nothin’ wrong)that he sold those f****** golden political appointments geez.
Anonymous Office Zombie: That rocks loads. Poetry Day is more fun that Musical Day earlier this week. I’ll continue:
The Swan Song of Milorad Blagojevich
Let us go then, you and I,
From the bleak and desolate Springfield winter sky
Where we’d be etherised in some dull courtoom;
Let us go, on certain perky daytime shows,
The panel on The View
And spend a night in one-on-one on Maddow’s
And leave the Tribune asking, “What’s with Blago?”:
Pundits follow the law’s tedious argument
Of insidious intent
To lead you to their overwhelming reachment…
Oh, do not ask, “What is it?”
Whoopi’s waiting for our visit.
Back home the pols of Illinois
Talking of Milorad Blagoj’.
This incident totally explains why our government is controlled by special needs adults who all have penis envy and overcompensation issues. They sit through crazy bullshit speeches practically every day. No normal person of intelligence would want to do a job like that.
If I had been there I would have bum rushed Blago and started beating his head into a desk, at least until he quit making noise. What did the Illinoisans do? Nothing. They could have better served their state by bending over a desk and allowing Blago to catch one final nut as a free man, because that’s figuratively what just happened with that “speech.”
Well, there goes a nice parachute.
Larry McAwful:
Ha! Nice.
And In the court room Blago comes and goes
Talking of Michelangelo.… and of Kipling and of Canadian flu vaccines and of God knows what else.
haiku
Rod Blagojevich
Saddlebacking Illinois
What would Ditka do
It is a good thing we have elected representatives. I’m sure we would never be able to figure out that this guy is a vain, self important, gas bag, without days and days of deliberation.
@ 2druk2phluq - I think that speech-triggered psychosis is why Obama’s still sporting the nerd-holster…blackberry brickbreaker will save his brains…and hair
So Blago maintains he didn’t do anything illegal, it was all talk. Which, it probably was, because he can’t shut up long enough to close the deal. The terrible, hilarious thing is, if Blago had been halfway decent at corruption, he WOULD have actual committed the crime of exchanging money for favors. But no one wanted to deal with this mofo.
Anonymous Office Zombie: Beat me to it.
I wanna see Palin and Blago go at it in the ring…
http://democralypsenow.blogspot.com/2009/01/blago-freak-show-express-to-derail-in.html
DemmeFatale: HAHAHA! It’s totally Janet Reno! Which reminds me of the joke about her: “I don’t know if she’s gay, but her hair certainly is.”
I had a quesadilla for lunch, too! SKS and I are soulmates.
Larry McAwful: OMG, I KNEW someone would channel T.S. Eliot eventually! Bravo, oh great one, BRA-VO!
Larry McAwful: Win.
Where we’d be etherised in some dull courtoom;
Now if only someone would etherise Governor Hotcomb ….
Toonces: Would that the same standard had been applied to Bush XLIII and his evil henchmen and toadies.
Mr Blifil: Win.
Blago convinced me. No crime here, just business as usual. Like his potty mouth wife too.
What are we going to do without him? This has been the best soap op EVER. Nice that he name dropped every inner sanctum politico he could remember w/o notes.
My open letter to Blagomybitch
http://crimesandjustice.com/2009/01/bye-governor-blagojevic/
I was hoping he’d go out in a blaze of Gerard Manley Hopkins glory. He’s got the perfect voice for it…
I CAUGHT this morning morning’s minion, king-
dom of daylight’s dauphin, dapple-dawn-drawn Falcon, in his riding
Of the rolling level underneath him steady air, and striding
High there, how he rung upon the rein of a wimpling wing
In his ecstasy! then off, off forth on swing…
Strawberries, it’s all about the strawberries.
“Ahh, but the strawberries that’s… that’s where I had them. They laughed at me and made jokes but I proved beyond the shadow of a doubt and ….”
Just for old time’s sake, could a Wonkette editor post some video of Blago jogging in the snow under a heading that starts with “Escaped Illinois Governor….”
To be fair, anything Donald Sutherland says seems reasonable. That’s probably how we ended up with Keifer.