About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell


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  • Texan Bulldoggette

    Can I have my stimulus check now? I have to go buy stamps before the post office raises stamps to $5 each.

  • Sara in the West

    Can I have mine in non-perishable food items and liquor?

  • honkeyman

    Haven’t decided yet whether to spend mine on a new antique commode with legs, or to invest in the Iceland Kronur – currently 115 to the dollah.

  • CivicHoliday

    “On the final vote, the legislation drew overwhelming support among Democrats while all but a few Republicans opposed it.”

    Nice to see bipartisanship has returned to government.

  • Min

    Put my share on black and let it ride!

  • regisgoat

    Every microbrewer in the adjacent three states just ran out to get the ermine mudflaps and platinum trucknutz for their Tundras, ’cause they heard I’m getting a stimulus check!

  • stink, but

    Listen, the GOP ain’t going to vote for this thing no matter how many “concessions” Obamz makes. I say cram this fucker full of money for contraceptives and family planning. Abortions for all!

  • Mr Blifil

    Just in time for Lou Dobbs to spend an hour clucking his tongue in disapproval. What compelling television.

  • InsidiousTuna

    If your stimulus funding goes to anything other than drugs, liquor, and whores, you need to go away and never comment here again.

  • ManchuCandidate

    Hobo beans for everyone!

  • WhatTheHeck

    I’m just going to waste this money on cheap crap made in China anyway. So just keep it.

  • Nerdalicious

    Get out yer goose feather pen & golden checkbook, & commence signin’! (Ode to Jim the FBI agent, yes we know who you are.)

  • Texan Bulldoggette

    Barry needs to make it so that the constituents of all the Republicans (& Dems) who voted against the package no getty stimulus check. That’ll be a great factoid to bring up around re-election time.

  • shortsshortsshorts

    Does this mean the Cubs won the World Series?

  • Hooray For Anything

    Woo hoo! I can haz construction job!

  • undermedicated

    Does this mean the post-partisan phase is over (thank God), and arrest warrants can now be issued for Yoo and Addington? They talk purty.

  • Nerdalicious

    Go to cnn.com now! Boner’s pissed off face post stimulus package passed!

  • Scandalabra

    Are they planning to issue Vodka Stamps?

  • Nerdalicious

    Bush/Cheney & Co. not only took children’s healthcare away from them, Bush/Cheney & Co. stole Girl Scout Cookies too! Oh the humanity! How much eviler can one get?


  • Colander

    Yes! I don’t have to quit drinking/being addicted to pornography. SUCK IT, ICELAND.

  • bago

    Woo! I just got an interview tomorrow! Suck it Cartman! err, Cantor!

  • P.T.T.

    Thank God the Republicans were there to vote against wasteful gubbermint spending as one robotic block. Cuz if there’s one thing they know about from Reagan to Bush it’s how to burn thru a lot of tax money. Maybe if Obama had wanted to stimulate the Iraq economy by dumping another trillion into one of its spidey-holes (with snaking clear to Zurich and a number linked to Halliburton) then these honest nonpartisan Republicans would have voted for it. To make us safe, you understand.

  • DangerousLiberal

    [re=231214]stink, but[/re]: How many truck nutz would $819b buy? Plenty to go with ermine mudflaps, fer sherr.

  • Rush

    Pelosi needs the money to redo her capped teeth – see add on the left.

  • kingofnothing

    I just read the fine print…. it’s 819 billion Zimbabwe dollars. Almost enough for a cup of coffee at Starbucks, if you can find one that that’s still open.

  • shortsshortsshorts

    Somebody cut off that Boehner he won’t shut up.

  • S.Luggo

    “The vote was 244-188.” Call me crazy, call me wild, but, gosh gul-durnit, I sense that the era of partisanship is over. Break out the chilled Freixenet and the sippee cups.

  • Dreamer

    Do you think Chuck Schumer’s intern (I mean junior senator from NY) will vote against it?

  • loquaciousmusic

    How ironic that I’m reading this as I’m listening to a Billy Bragg album and drinking a hot toddy. Because, you know, NO MORE NICE BOOZE after President Hussein reenacts Prohibition.

  • undermedicated

    [re=231285]S.Luggo[/re]: Maybe some of the stimulus package can be spent on airline tickets to The Hague for Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld, Yoo, and Addington?

  • WadISay

    Plus, you can still have unplanned sex on the crabgrass on the Mall.

  • stopmebeforeitypeagain

    I’m going use MY stimulus check to buy Iceland.

    And use the change to get wasted on aquavit (or whatever they call it in the North Atlantic) and three dollar Ikea rent-a-companions.

  • j6n

    We will see what happens in the Senate. The House is a frothing cesspool of screaming partisan hacks. You jam everything you can in the House version.

  • PerhapsSo

    My dear Mr. Preznit, please hurry my check along. If you do that, then I have a nice crisp bill with Abraham Lincoln on it that I will give to the DNC. The rest, of course, will go to my student loan overlords who are after me like hellhounds.


  • Special Agent Jack Mehoff

    I just hope Hugh Heffner gets his check from it in time.


  • assistant/atlas

    [re=231216]InsidiousTuna[/re]: Is food okay? I’m so hungry…so, so hungry. I promise they will be hobo beans.

  • DeLand DeLakes

    [re=231295]loquaciousmusic[/re]: You got it wrong. Feminists started the first Prohibition, after clotheslining their sisters, also.

  • S.Luggo

    [re=231200]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]:
    Cool your fork before you nibble that organic endive salad, hippie.
    Once the bill is sent to the House/Senate reconciliation committee, Repugs will insert tax rebates for Georgia peanut processors, US importers of Chinese powdered milk, and Wyoming manufacturers of water boards and Vice-Presidential pace makers. America’s business is business. Therefore, you and the rest of the proletariat, socialist trash will just have to control your quivering lips and wait for your turn, beatnik. John Boehner told Jonah Goldberg so.

  • Barrett808

    Watching Brian Jennings on HD (he’s life size — I could kiss him), it just occurred to me that Chuck Todd looks just like Murray on Flight of the Conchords.


  • Vanity Smurf

    Not one Republican vote for it in the House. That is hilarious and all too predictable.

  • S.Luggo

    [re=231297]undermedicated[/re]: Good point. Since the secret prisons in Poland were closed, AIR CIA has beem short of revenue. Plus undr the Obama administration, AIR CIA’s flight stewards will now ask passengers, “ball-gag or no ball-gag.” Bush will probably answer, “Yes.”

  • rocktonsammy

    Obama is very sincere, articulate and intelligent, hes a winner. The republicans think its pay back for all the Bush hating. This doesn’t end well for the Rush Republicans. Bush fucked things up real good.

  • wickedlittledoll

    No it doesn’t end well for the Republicans. There’s nothing worse then becoming completely irrelevant. But then again, I guess the Grand Ol’ Party had to go the way of the dinosaurs at some point. I mean you can’t stay stagnant forever can you?


  • Servo

    Woo-hoo! My bier and whacking material standards moved up one notch…for now. I can even have the Puffs tissues with lotion! Ah, the life.

  • snowg00n

    819 billion dollars of peta sex pumpkins = STIMULUS

  • Origami

    So the cool kids inviting the nerds to the frat party thing worked for Obama?

  • gliberal

    Hookers and blow. South America needs stimulation, too.

  • jagorev

    I’m a little disappointed that there’s not more (any) moneyz for SUPERTRAINS, but I think the main points right now is to spend the money, irresponsibly if necessary, as soon as possible

  • snideinplainsight

    so so fucking hates these Repluglicans now, yes I hates them – what, 2 million lost jobs last year and they’re willing to sell us out for some little puke demonstration of their own futility – swear to God I’m fucking going to send the whole check right back to Barry’s re-election campaign (no snark here). I can still afford my own beer –

  • shortsshortsshorts


  • undermedicated

    [re=231350]snideinplainsight[/re]: Better to send your money to SarahPAC. At this point I don’t think there’s money to be better spent than to support the snowbilly’s 2012 bid.

  • snideinplainsight

    [re=231352]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Boy and I thought my comment was going to be a buzzkill.

  • undermedicated

    If we are back at war with the Republicans, does this mean we are on the same team as the PUMAs? Naah, I’m going with enemy of my enemy is also my enemy.

  • shortsshortsshorts

    [re=231356]snideinplainsight[/re]: You made a libtarded statement. There are no liberals allowed on Wonkette. KEEP DAT EIN MIND. Everyone here is a god-fearing, patriotic American. Unlike yourself.

  • tunamelt

    [re=231359]undermedicated[/re]: ENEMAS FOR EVERYONE.

  • tunamelt

    [re=231350]snideinplainsight[/re]: Rethink the dictionary definition of snide. Rethink current blog. Rethink user name. Rethink comment. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

    [re=231345]jagorev[/re]: You’d think with Biden in a position of (relative) power, it would be all TRAINS ALL THE TIME.

  • shortsshortsshorts

    [re=231356]snideinplainsight[/re]: Oh and sorry Hillary didn’t win for ya.

  • JeffGoldblum

    [re=231350]snideinplainsight[/re]: Obviously you have never heard of Larry Sinclair. You should probably Google that name, because some SHIT HAS GONE DOWN with this “NOOBAMA” of yours.

  • Colander

    [re=231350]snideinplainsight[/re]: I’m gonna donate mine to the Conservopedia bored of directors. It’s my moneys, my choice (I choose life, y’all).

  • sanantonerose

    I can has library renovation now? Our study space is so minimal, the kids are laying on top of one another in the stacks!

  • Jukesgrrl

    Can we have a some public transit in Tucson? No need to make it two-way. I just need to get out of this Tiny Town.

  • Jean Hotman, Marquis de Villers-St-Paul

    Every President must spend a Trillion. If not on killing people, then on something else, like building infrastructure or bying Truck Nutz. The fucking awful part of the joke is if GWB had bought a Trillion Dollar set of Truck Nutz the World would be in a lot better shape than it is now.

    Yes, you can see I’ve been drinkin’ a bottle of Madeira and some glasses of Pastis thru the night here in Ye Olde Continent. But as you Wonketteers say: because why not?

  • Mr Blifil

    [re=231374]Jukesgrrl[/re]: It already exists, you just have to be a person of color and you have to provide your own tow chains.

  • tunamelt

    [re=231373]sanantonerose[/re]: Dude, they’re just doing it.

  • shortsshortsshorts

    [re=231350]snideinplainsight[/re]: No hard feelings, just want to thin the herds in case we run out of hobo beans.

    @Jean Hotman: Truck Nutz and death squads made baby jesus why.

    [re=231373]sanantonerose[/re]: Librarian? *fapfapfapfapfapfapfapfapfapfap* and all that. No secksism, also.

  • S.Luggo

    [re=231322]Vanity Smurf[/re]: That is the meaning of “change.”
    It’s time for Plan B.

  • hobospacejungle

    [re=231332]wickedlittledoll[/re]: “No it doesn’t end well for the Republicans.”

    How did this not end well for Republicans? Barry bent over for them, chucked out all the favorite libtard parts of the bill, put in lots of pointless tax cuts, pissed off his own party (Rep. Lazio just on Rachel complaining that Obamabots spent more time cuddling with Republicans over this bill than with the FUCKERS WHO WON THE FUCKING ELECTIONZ) and still every goddamn Republican voted against it.

    Go Barry. Next I expect the Bush tax cuts to be made permanent, in the spirit of bi-partisanship, you know. Also.

  • slithytoves

    I hear today that I’m going to get $12 more in each paycheck with this bill. Hurry, please. That will cover a bag of cat litter and a bottle of cheap wine. Watch teh economy get stimulated!

  • Capitol Hillbilly

    that must have been a festive cocktail party at the big house last evening …

  • Gayer Than Thou

    [re=231216]InsidiousTuna[/re]: Does porn count?