Wonkette
Bill Kristol, the tragically dumb wingnut who wouldn’t be published beyond the Free Republic comments section if not for his famous conservative father who could actually write, was publicly fired from the New York Times this morning — ending a yearlong national comedy in which, each Monday, he would offer some banal nonsense that, if it wasn’t completely and indisputably wrong before he even typed it, would be proven to be utterly false within a few hours of publication. There’s only one way to improve a day like this, and the parody blog “Big Hollywood” has the solution: Offer $100,000 to the movie actor Matt Damon in exchange for, uh, calling Kristol a dipshit in public somewhere.
Beating up on Kristol has become the national pastime of America’s literate, and it would all be hilarious if his never-ending stream of bullshit was about something inconsequential, like pro football or stamp collecting. Instead, this goon focuses his halfwit attentions on matters of war and death and horror, which he always supports, unquestionably and unthinkingly, as long as it helps destroy America.
Kristol’s shameful idiocy is built upon a mountain of bones. To the 4,553 American and Coalition troops slaughtered and blown up in Iraq, to the 90,000+ confirmed Iraqi civilians murdered in this nightmare battle over nothing, Kristol offers … a new pamphlet of vicious lies, explaining how it was worth it after all!
So, really, until he’s rotting in the bowels of Abu Ghraib (which is opening again, hooray!), Bill Kristol should be mercilessly harassed by everyone, especially children. Think of Kristol as a more approachable George W. Bush. Let him know what you think, America!
And in this country, the United States of America, even movie actors are considered Americans — no matter how embarrassed they make us feel, for them. So if teen heart-throb Matt Damon wants to call Kristol an idiot, we will consult the tiny Constitution in our pocket (a gift from Dennis Kucinich) and encourage Matt Damon to go ahead and call Kristol an idiot. Make a movie about it, even! Didn’t Matt Damon have a funny movie one time, where he and his “buddy” had some weekend adventure, but the “buddy” was actually a corpse or something, in a boat? Let’s laugh again, America!
Anyway, this comedy website, “Big Hollywood,” says it will give Matt Damon a hundred grand ($100,000) if he “debates” Bill Kristol, this retard, somewhere in public. They are proud about this idea!
And this is how the tragic, doomed American Right dies, with pointless offers of $100,000 to an actor, if the actor will repeat some conventional-wisdom opinion which was already stated, for public consumption, in a major daily newspaper. WTF?
Iraq War Showdown: Bill Kristol Agrees to Debate Matt Damon After Actor’s “Idiot” Slam [Big Hollywood]
Going out not with a bang, but with a dildo.
and here i thought that the times’ humor columnist would have a job forever and ever considering the 800+ comments his hilarious concoctions regularly garner!
who will replace him in the fine humor columning category now?!
That image looks more like John Stewart than Kristol. Not enough of teh stoopid in that pose, maybe.
And this is all Bono’s fault, btw.
I think it’s telling that they don’t want Kristol to debate an established intellectual (Zinn, Parenti, Chomsky, etc etc) but would rather go with an actor. Two core problems: $100,000 isn’t that much money to Damon AND Damon is actually a pretty well read and intelligent person. He’d mop the floor with the troglodyte.
I’d really prefer to see Matt Damon kick his ass Jason Bourne style.
I’d much rather see him debate some of the parents in Gaza who recently lost children due to the valiant peacekeeping methods of the IDF.
Weekend at Billy’s remake!….with dildoes!…yes!…with endless retakes!…
If by ‘debate’ you mean Damon give Bill Kristol one of his Jason Bourne butt-whuppings, I’m all for it.
How the hell do you debate someone like Krisco whose every word is wrong? Stunned slack jaw looks of disbelief will only get you so far.
I’ll take Damon’s place. Indeed, I’m a liberal actor and will gladly stand in there and call Kristol a lot worse than “idiot”.
I’ll start with “dooshnozzle” and move quickly onto “fuckwit”.
Oooh, good idea, but how about a fist fight instead of a debate? Kristol cannot be silenced by logic alone. It will take fists, and perhaps bricks, and broken glass… At the end of it, I expect a Mortal Kombat-style “finish him” move. This will be satisfying for everyone.
no. more. kristol. tHIs IS my LaST wArnING.
Not to be picky, but wasn’t Matt Damon a cool two credits away from graduating Harvard? Now, I understand his *major* was most likely theatre, and he probably spent the rest of his time jacking off into the Charles, but I’d argue that he’s, you know, dumb.
What I’m saying is I think Bill Kristol is in over his head, and should debate an actor who is equally stupid. Like Keanu. Or Fred Thompson.
Wow, Layne, a little praise for Newelly by an aging hippie and yawl get fired up.
Does this mean that there will be a Youtube viral video of “I’m fucking Bill Kristol”?
Monsieur Grumpe: You roll your eyes and wave your hands in the air and rant and rave in a high pitched whiney voice that would make a nun scream out the f word.
Hopefully Damon doesn’t get unnerved or schoolgirl silly with Kristol like how John Stuart gets when he’s on TDS. What an angry disappointment, that Stuart goes into “comedian guest” mode when he’s on, while a vaguely appropriate response, is totally inappropriate for the gravity of the situation, how much influence he’s been allowed to have over the direction of our political system, and how much the other media parrots squawk his ideas when they should die unechoed.
Man, that was way too serious a sentiment to post here, but Kristol flashes a WACKY grin and apparently whitewashes the shit out of his teeth/record whenever he’s in hostile territory.
I’m sure Matt Damon could win just by saying “Matt Damon” all the time, as he does.
“Matt Damon.”
Do you know why this is creepy?
“shortsshortsshorts says at 2:12 am, January 26th, 2009
- Reply
earthadellic: Don’t worry. Matt Damon is taking the column from him. From here on it will be whatever Matt Damon believes on whatever particular day it is. Matt Damon is your new Bill Kristol.”
That is why this is creepy.
magic titty: Agreed. Actor does not equal dumb, even though there are plenty of them out there. Damon has always struck me as being pretty smart, actually. Send Krisco up against Keanu. Or at least let Damon take a copy of the National Review (or some other right wing mag/rag) and use it as a blunt instrument to whip Krico into a bloody pulp like he did in the second Bourne movie. And then turn on the gas. And blow up the whole studio. That would be cool.
Oh, Bristol, Bristol..Paula Abdul would look like a mensa debating this morAn…
Monsieur Grumpe: Don’t tell Ben Affleck. (Or Keanu Reeves, naturally, but that’s just too easy.)
These fucking idiots. They purposely pick Damon as a joke because they think Kristol will kick his ass, thereby setting the bar very low for Damon. I hope Damon takes them up on it. He is not a total idiot and may even “win” according to whatever metric is established for this sort of thing. It’s all upside for Damon.
Red Zeppelin: which is really just a faux bang.
freakishlystrong: Levi would be great. It would be two hours of “You fuckin’ wid me? I take you out, yo. Imma a nice guy but nobody fuck wid me.”
Can we hook them both up to those Invisible Fence collars and give them a few thousand volts everytime they say something blatantly untrue? I’m sure Damon’ll get a jolt or two, but Kristol would look like a deep-fried twinkie by the end of the evening.
This is the change we’ve been waiting for.
shortsshortsshorts:
Jeepers! You’re fucking oracle! I supose you’re going to start a church around your mighty prophesy powers. Church of Shorts?
Are there not charities anymore? Why do people do this with their money?
My only regret is that the late Fred Rogers is no longer with us, to call Kristol an asshole on his kiddie show, too.
Rodney Badger:
Damon: Admitted to Harvard absent family connections.
Kristol: Admitted sheep fucker, as many as his plugged in Daddy could score for him.
Point to Damon.
Maybe Damon can give Kristol some insight into the evolution of the market economy in the southern colonies.
Ha,ha,ha,ha,ha,ha,haaaaaaa! Irving Kristol must be sooooo proud of his son and what he’s done to his legacy.
Any way you slice it, there’s no way that Kristol can win. At best, he’ll have proven that he was able to triumph over a professional actor, which is the equivalent of professional actor Matt Damon proving he can out-act Bill Kristol.
Stay tuned for future episodes when Kristol Meth, disgraced, hobo intellectual, challenges the Obama Girl to a match of wits in the parking lot behind local 7-11.
Human Dildo? At least dildos are useful. Bill Kristol is beyond useless, he’s a piece of dirty toilet paper stuck to a shoe after leaving the restroom: Simultaneously announcing to the world that he’s an asswipe and an embarrassment…
Can we now start degrading George Will for a change? That nozzle has a bullseye a mile wide on his elitist ass.
The commenters on that Big Hollywood site are really worked up over this. Bill Kristol v. Matt Damon is transparently homoerotic to them.
Damon should wear nothing but low-riding gym shorts to the debate. Big Hollywood’s readers will all conclude that Damon won handily for reasons that they cannot exactly place.
The other Billy Crystal seems much more articulate and would make for a much livelier debate with Matt Damon. Bill Kristol probably should debate Studs Terkel; unlike Kristol, Studs has been brain-dead for only a few months, so my money would be on Louie.
Monsieur Grumpe: As a religious leader, my first order of business is to announce a fantastic new way of looking into the human mind, Lianetics. After doing so, I will write a shitty book and extort millions of people out of cash, jewelery, and other valuable items.
Who the hell is Bill Kristol?
Does he have something to do with the champagne company?
lawrenceofthedesert: The rest of Terkel died last year. But still, point taken.
Come here a minute: Or he can diagnose him as a closeted homosexual after reading some of his books and talking about night clubbing. “boom, boom”.
Huge WIN.
Somebody has 100 grand to give away? And it’s a “blog”?
I smell shenanigans.
Gorillionaire: Why? Just cause Sami Korir is behind the blog?
Sweet. Put that shit on pay-per-view, and donate the proceeds to rebuild Gaza’s supply tunnels. Bai Ling, Shauna Sands and Kim Kardassian can be the trash-talking judges, like on American Idol. I’m not sure who should be moderator, though. Madonna? Palin?Or, better, is anyone writing a book, “The Breakdown: Dildos and Douchebags in the Age of Bill Kristol?
I think the idea of Kristol vs. Damon as a fascinating high concept piece of performance art. It’s pitting an actor with no serious background in public debate against a a man who has been through a tragic, bitter public divorce from reality. The idiosyncracy is what makes it work.
Still, I’d like to take the idea further: I’d like to see Bill Kristol debate monetary policy with a nest of angry hornets. Or maybe, Bill Kristol debates energy policy with a pack of attack dogs.
magic titty: He was an English major.
Seriously, $100 grand!? Cheap ass right-wingers.
Really dildo? I would want the thing anywhere near my…
Tag team: Kristol and Strong Bad vs. Damon and Marzipan!
gjdodger: What a great thought. A beat-down in The Neighborhood. I can just hear Mr. Rogers, “Wiiiilyaam, today we’re going to talk about making mommies sad.”
When is the painting of Ken Layne with a short stack on his head going to surface?
A moment of silence, please, for the real victim here:
Maureen Dowd, who in addition to losing her shopping buddy, is now officially the stupidest Op-Ed contributor at the Times.
Maus: Jon Stewart goes into comedy-mode, because if he tried to take half the shit Billy boy spews out seriously, his head would explode. Beside, no one has gone further in proving that, even sans notes and preparation, debating Bill is about as difficult as working an iron.
“Appearing once again on The Daily Show, Bill Kristol, Jon Stewart’s favorite whipping boy (‘Bill Kristol, aren’t you ever right?’), on Thursday night defended the McCain-Palin ticket, at one point informing the show’s host that he was getting his news from suspect sources. ‘You’re reading The New York Times too much,’ he declared. ‘Bill, you WORK for The New York Times!’ Stewart pointed out.”
This is a non-news item. The Times is going out of business and Kristol had to find a new gig anyway. Move on, people. There’s nothing to see here.
Sassette: That would be hawt.
Dildo? They should try that a little in Alaska.
Schadenfried: Even better.
Matt Damon exists in this world for fucking, not debating.
Matt Damon should “debate” Tucker Carlson, with toothless Kristol as the Vaseline®-bearing fluffer. There’s only one rocky, rocky road to ride to earn the appellation “Big Hollywood” outright, and that road runs straight through Friar Tucker’s golden arches.
Coming Soon:
Limbaugh vs. The Dixie Chicks!
Coulter vs. Miley Cyrus!
O’Reilly vs. Paris Hilton!
Peggy Noonan Vs. Metallica!
Wow. Talk about scraping the bottom of the barrel. Trying to mix it up over foreign-affairs with teen heart-throbs to get some air-time? May as well change their name to “The Attention-Whore Party” & get it over with.
I doubt Damon would do it … intellectually speaking, it’d be like machinegunning a puppy.
Good wholesome fun - but only until the YouTube video comes out.
“And this is how the tragic, doomed American Right dies…”
That has a real ring to it.
Kristol klear, Not.