NOTED: “Jim Newell’s deconstruction of WSJ Reaganite-apostate Peggy Noonan’s inauguration column is even more unkind — perhaps even unfair. I really don’t see why he chose those three sentences to bf and annotate, for instance. Nevertheless, what a deft little Hatchett Job.” [Robert Christgau]











See, that’s what people misunderstand about Wonkette. It’s just one, big swinging hatchet.
Hey, Robby, Jim didn’t write the crazee. Peggingtons did.
It is unfair: in order to fully grasp these attacks on Nooningtonwelshcakes, you have to read her column (wtf?). I strenuously object, yes, I just pulled a muscle objecting, are you happy?
Is Robert Christgau my enemy now? Cuz I have no problem with that.
Dear Mr. Christgau: Please try to imagine Peggy Noonan leaning towards a stranger and her kid (how does she know he’s learning-disabled?) and saying to the boy, “Where you from?” See? That’s why.
“three sentences to bf and annotate”
bf = buttfuck? blackface? brainfart?
honkeyman: It’s a buttfucking smear piece (ewww). He’s trying to undermine our value systems.
Robert, Robert, Wonkette hatchets (Hatchetts?) because it loves. Just like Lizzie Borden.
C+
Wow. I reading Newell’s post. Jim: It’s a work of art. I’m in tears. I think I need a moment…
**
Robert Robert Robert Robert Robert Robert Robert Robert Robert Robert
Robert Robert Robert Robert Robert Robert Robert Robert Robert Robert
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Robert Robert Robert Robert Robert Robert Robert Robert Robert Robert
Actually X-Gau wrote:
“No tunesmith, but a jangly melodist. Tartly and waggishly slicing through the Noonington’s sappy lyricism, Newell’s tighter than on his rigorously conceived official oeuvre. Whither the stax-y horns? Otherwise, nice keybs. Chad lives! B+”
I, for one, welcome our new post-postmodern overlord.
honkeyman:
bifurcate?
buff?
boyfriend?
Which one of us is Christgau? Shortshortshorts? Malaka? This is so mind boggling, I probably need to stop boggling altogether.
Would it be fair to note at this point that Ken still wins?
Granted, the material for that day was… exceptional. But still.
You can bf and annotate almost any sentence of Dame Peggy’s and still get a slice of the class system that defines most analysis and punditiocy that rules the MSM.
What we want is a country where a ‘boy, 10 or so, learning-impaired’ [?], instead replies to Herself “where are YOU from”?
In honor of Spartacus: I am Christgau!
Can I have a hatchet job? It would so nice to have constructive employment.
honkeyman: Bukkakeface
Unfair? Robert, was your noble defense rewarded with the honor of folding her granny panties in her gated community home?
C’mon guys, he’s got a point. Wonkette *can* sometimes be more unkind…perhaps even unfair.
honkeyman: Befuddle? Befoul? Beefaroni?
Msr. Christgau, this type of linguistic coyness is unbecoming to you, sir. Please declare your intentions forthwith!
Her Ladyship wields her own axe — much like a boy, 10 or so, learning disabled, might give himself an overexcited thumpin’ with a nerf bat.
I don’t even know who this guy is. But I do know that if I was a writer posting something online in the year like say 2009, I’d be deft enough not to link to the story I’m writing about using the “MORE” url. Facepalm.
Peggy Noonan is the lovechild of William F. Buckley Jr. and Barbara Cartland.
BF = bold face?
I’ve been BF by professionals.
BF= Bush Free?
“Robert”, or Mr. Fancypants as I call him, is the new confluence.
Every time I re-read that post, I completely lose my shit around the “mechanical falcon” line.
MedianHater: That’s what we strive for here. Sadly, we sometimes fall short of that mark.
Befoul?
Befrill?
Befunge?
Blafagovich?
How do these people even open their thesauruses, the pages must be so sticky from years of verbal masturbation
honkeyman:
I’m thinking there has to be an adverb involved. Adverbs are the shit! A few options:
Belabor Felicitously
Belatedly Fellate
Bemusedly Fwap
Guys, it’s bold fa-… oh, right. Wonkette.
Whoever said buttfuck was probably right.
Christgau’s piece is evidence on what happens once the old folks’ homes are wired for the internet.
Newell knows what he’s talking about, he’s got the white boy ‘fro to prove it.
twingonaut: No, I am Christgau!
[Do you prefer oysters?]
I think Thurston Moore said it best when he titled a song “I Killed Robert Christgau With My Big Fucking Dick”.
While most of the puzzlement here seems directed at deciphering ‘bf’, I am more baffled by the “Hatchett” bit. Prof. Smartyboots is obviously involved in ‘word play’ (aka, vocabulary molestation), what, with the spelling and the capitalization and whatnot. So, for a definitive answer I did what all academics do: I googled “Hatchett.” You know comes up first (and second)? The black Judge Judy. (On Monday’s docket: I Cashed Her Check, So She Tasered My Neck!) Did you know there was a black Judge Judy? Does she represent, for the good Prof and his ilk, a subaltern juxtaposition of the ur-myth of law giving with a gendered/racialized commentary on the crisis of capitalism in a post-Obama world?
Or maybe he’s just a shitty speller and a big doody-head.
I can’t tell whether he’s impressed or annoyed or speaking the same language. He’s not so much a critic as the Oracle at Delphi.
i was going to comment on the blog but it was so very full of ART.
Bramlet Abercrombie: You fool! Mention his name three times and he appears. Like Beetlejuice or the Candyman. Now, theres like, an entire seating at the Capitol Grille.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/BF
Obviously, it stands for Black Flag. Why do we care about a shitty three line blog post?
Mahousu: Ken Layne took an axe
And gave poor Peggy forty whacks,
Then grabbing one dismembered leg
He held it, shouting, “Trucknutz Peg!!!!”
befisk! http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fisking
d4g33z: Yes, Mr. Chrisgau (if that is his name) needs to flesh out his essay a little more. Perhaps he should think of some Adjecktives with which to appellate Mr. Newell, such as “learning-impaired”? Or perhaps, “handsome Negroid.”
Regarding bf - in a context regarding the Princess Noonington it must surely mean “bawdily filigree”.
In case you are all curious, here is an actual sexxy pic of Robert Christgau:
http://tinyurl.com/christgau
Numbat Dundee: Excellent. But it was Newell doing the thwaking this week.
Bramlet Abercrombie: Your name is a thing of beauty, sir/madame. That was my favorite 10 minutes of television ever. Also.
As tempests in teapots go, I must say this one is Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
user-of-owls: Hachette Filipacchi?? You think?
user-of-owls: This is Dean Jesusgau blessing and nodding to Wonkette as purveyors of teh goodness commentary equating our overlords with Peggyneeners. All bow to the VV or at least toward NYU. Nice to see he’s figured out how to keep his modem working. (Does he still use dial up?). Please to advise internets is less hierarchical than writing in his day. Nice he’s shining a little attention on Our Boy Jim, but he needs it not. It stands up on its own Bobby Baby. Ask not what your bf can do for you, ask what you can do for your bf.
gurukalehuru: Numbat Dundee: But methinks in dreams I see Peggum’s owne Axe, its’ halberde-like Curve and Swishe agleame, and the long Handel Arced in the Graspe of her Faire arms, Swish-Swack, whilst on her Noggin setts a bonny Helmet of Empire, Keeping the Republick safe from, well, the Republick…or therabouts, anyway, drinking, much drinking…
Internally valid: Oh, I surely fell for that one.
Tommy Says Soooo: His post remindeth me of what Samuel Johnson wrote about that scribbler Alexander Pope, on the eve of King George’s coronation…
ok Peggy is a Large Dildo. Now moving on, why hasn’t wonkette published a funny about John Boehner saying he’s worried about the size of “this package”. A funnier sentence has never been written about Capitol Hill.
I realize they don’t have the interwebs in the Victorian Era where Ms. Nooningtonhampstead lives, so maybe someone should send a parchment version via carrier pigeon? She might get a kick seeing what the [non-learning-disabled] kids are up to these days.
Oh, and Jim, he also thinks your first album sucked.
slavojzizek: It reminded me of what Dryden wrote of MacFlecknoe becoming poet poet laureate. There was something about his work and sewage in there.
Christgau said, “I am rather proud I got the link to work. It has not always been thus.” The fact is that links are the same as they ever were; all you have to know is . But I think he was trying to say Newell’s posts have just disappeared in the past, as if one couldn’t count on them to still exist after creating the link.
It was around this time I realized Christgau is flirting with Newell. Robert looks up to Jim, and wanted to make himself a part of the Wonkette experience, however tiny his role. Also, he wanted one part in particular. Also. As in the forbidden offering of the heat inflamed nether regions. Will these crazy kids never stop with teh buttsecks?
I thought of “Molly Hatchett” and had/have no idea what Il Profesore is talking about or how it involves 70s arena rock.
Nooners deserved worse. I wanted to poop in a box and send it to her after that horrible, elitist column. Jim Newell, this bong rip is for you.
I have exclusive access to a Peggy Noonan / PJ O’Rourke sex-tape. It’s about 9 hours long and focused primarily on the butt.
I will open bidding for the rights to the video at $4.99.
Well Ken, it looks like Jim deserves a raise. You know, the money kind.
d4g33z: I humbly disagree, it was clearly a reference to Beaver Falls.
JeffGoldblum: It’s OK. Keep that one for your private collection.
If only someone had a big huge dick to kill Christgau with.
BF= Before Fornication?
Internally valid: How about Bemusedly Fornicate - if that is the case then is there something we should know about Newell and the Noonister?
itgetter: It was delightful, wasn’t it?
JeffGoldblum: Yeah, whatever, Jeff. I just saw that video — for FREE — on YouTube.
Wait. Hang on. Never mind. I was confusing it with that James song where they’re all getting blown around by the wind. Sorry.
The nerve. Of Peggy Noonan.
Mock on, mock on, Voltaire, Rousseau,
Mock on, mock on, tis all in vain
You throw the sand against the wind
And Wonkette blows it back again.
[Kindly buttfuck and annotate]
I am so happy to see buttsecks and/or buttfucking thriving in this time of economic doubt.
I swear, I think the last time I read Christgau he was waxing all poetical about Pylon, while producing feelings of inadequacy within me since he had an encyclopedic knowledge of African dance bands, wheras I hadn’t fucking heard of a single one of them, let alone listened to their music.
I wonder if he still walks around in low-top Keds?
whatinhell is this all about??? BF?? Noonan is a piece of work. End of story…
Toomush Infermashun: +1
Ha ha, we mentioned the name “robert christgau” and now you all hate him. I thought it was nice of him to mention me on his National Art Blog.
JimNewell: The hate will turn into love eventually. That’s the way the internet works.
Personally, I think it is cool!
2druk2phluq: Your avatar makes me think you’re a callow pup, but your words, they inflame my nether regions.
JeffGoldblum: Kinetoscope or VHS?
JimNewell: I’ve hated him since 1981, so you can all suck it. Also.
MedianHater: Eat my asscakes.
This seems like a good time as any to pop this idea in here, that the chaotic, anarchic nature of blogs mirrors the nativity of the modern American press itself. To support my thesis that although, as most of us believe, newspapers are going the way of the dinosaur, online editions and “blogs” will more than adequately take their place, and Jimmy’s recent rip on Ms. Noonintonshire is a classic (and classy) example of that transition:
“Early American newspapers tend to look like one long and uninterrupted invective, a ragged fleet of dung barges. In a way, they were. Plenty of that nose thumbing was mere gimmickry and gambolling. Some of it was capricious, and much of it was just plain malicious. But much of it was more. All that invective, taken together, really does add up to a long and revolutionary argument against tyranny, against arbitrary authority—against, that is, the rule of men above law.”
- Jill LePore, New Yorker, 26 Jan 2009
(Really good piece, BTW)
http://www.newyorker.com/arts/critics/atlarge/2009/01/26/090126crat_atlarge_lepore?currentPage=all
(Hint hint grad students: if you happen to be considering a subject for a master’s thesis in Journalism, you could pick a worse subject.)
It clear to me that Wonkette is carrying on the good work of Mssrs. Franklin, Adams, Paine, Edes and such other patriot both famous and obscure.
Newell, doff your tricorn in honor of such for recognition by Christgau, who I’m pretty sure once wrote an awesome review of an album by the Doors or Strawberry Alarm Clock or somesuch.
honkeyman: Thanks for the Blake–he’s always welcome.
And speaking of oldies, here’s one for Dame Peggy: HOW DOES IT FEeL TO BE SHIT 0N BY PROFESSIONALS!!!1?
Hey, at least Bob isn’t the unreadable Greil Marcus or Dave-fucking-Marsh.
I was just going to point out how much Christgau, Nelson George, Ed Ward, John Morthland, a syrup-crazed Lester Bangs (he of sainted memory) and others set the standard for pop music criticism in the early 80’s with the annual Village Voice Pazz & Jop Critics Poll.
I will never, ever forget Nelson George’s 1983 P&JCP review of Thriller where he spent the first paragraph laying out how he was having trouble writing fairly about that year’s overwhelmingly Number One El Pee because he was trippin’ so much on Jacko’s “increasingly deformed African facial features.”
Talk about “represent!”
JimNewell: DOOD HE’S A TOTAL ASSHOLE. Robert Christgau has offended everyone over and over with his controversial “I agree” and “balance.” You know the saying. If it is made out of wood it is a witch. If it is Robert Christgau, it probably floats, calmly.
ZOMG I just looked him up on the commie wikipedia and he’s, like, one million years old. And that photo of him there makes him look a million and twelve. He must have a hard time walking, one foot being in the grave and all.
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El Pinche: That just conjured a disturbing image of Peggy getting the carpets to match the drapes.
Thanks a lot, asshole.
El Pinche: Sorry, that was actually directed at rocktonsammy.
I’m scarred, I tell you.
JimNewell: But, “mention” you in what way, Charlie?
agitpropster: You had to go do it didn’t you? You had to go invoke Lester Bangs. Without whom none of us would probably be here. Well, we’d be here but we wouldn’t be here. I still feel slightly pissed off that there isn’t a weekly Lester Bangs column. I particularly loved his deconstruction of early Blue Oyster Cult, blissfully unaware as he was that punk was about to break.
Hey, Joseph Stalin *and* Jim Newell mentioned in the the same post! Coincidence? I think *not*.
JimNewell: A wise man said: “You hate someone whom you really wish to love, but whom you cannot love. Perhaps he himself prevents you. That is a disguised form of love.”
Think about it. Or not. Whatever. Also.
agitpropster: Always remember what Lou Reed said about Robert Christgau on his Take No Prisoners album: “What does Robert Christgau do in bed? Is he a toefucker? Can you imagine working for a fucking year and you get a B+ from some asshole in the Village Voice?”
Wow! Wonkette is considered journalism!
Jeez, somebody buy this guy a copy of Gulliver’s Travels and a dictionary so he can look up the word “satire.”
Newel’s post was as fucking brilliant and hilarious as Noonan’s column was cringe worthy. Respeck!