Advertising Inquiries:
wonkette@blogads.com
Tip Your Wonkette:
tips@wonkette.com
Editors:
Ken Layne | Email
Jim Newell | Email
Sara K. Smith | Email
Juli Weiner | Email
Intern:
Riley Waggaman
Gah — a witch! She makes the same hilariously dumb argument that Sarah Palin would make about Gitmo, but unlike Palin, she speaks in something resembling coherent sentences! Subject, predicate, period; subject, predicate, period… just practice that sequence, lady, and you could be the next Republican loser nominee! [iReport via Balloon Juice]
4:18 PM
on Fri January 23 2009
By
Jim Newell
4390 Views
Wonkette
I can only watch this without sound. I feel like this works.
She looks like Amanda Bynes. Are we sure she isn’t?
tunamelt: It is basically “If we close Gitmo then the terrorists will all come here and kill us because they hate our freedoms thank you.”
Is she wearing a keffiyeh?
“Hi, this Muffy reporting from my super kewl dorm room bunk bed. Yeah that’s right America, I’m in college!”
$10 says she smokes Jesus at least twice a week.
Wait a minute! Isn’t she wearing a Rachel Ray Terrorist ™ scarf?
cmon: Jinx, you beat me to it!
Good Christ, since when did CNN start airing totally uninformed nonsense?
I mean, other than Lou Dobbs.
And Wolf Blitzer.
And…oh, never mind.
I am a terrorist and I would like to come to Amerika and reprogram this young infidel.
Well that was just cuntarific!
Jim Newell: So it is Amanda Bynes, from her popular kids sketch show, All That, and this is a sketch.
“…in the back of my head…” i don’t think the back of her head was capped off properly. i think she has a slow leak.
So basically she’s upset that filthy TERRORISTS will get the SAME RIGHTS WE HAVE!!1!
But didn’t W want to “spread democracy” or some such shit, and isn’t “spreading democracy” the same as equal rights for all? Democracy worldwide? That’s what those things mean, the right to a fair trail for everyone. Not torture for terrorists and justice for American citizens. Her argument is stupid. Let us torture her.
I’m sure that sounded better in the original German.
cmon: Maybe she needs to go to Gitmo…along with Rachael Ray. Or maybe that’s just a Skinemax movie in 10 years.
Jim Newell: Also.
I’m afraid.
Jim Newell: So long as American Idol is on, the terrorist are winning.
FMA: And have you even watched/listened to Kitty Pilgrim who subs for Dobbs? Yikes…
And by the way, she is issuing this report from the desk underneath her bunk bed. She’ll need to hide under there forever once the terrorists are in prison in US America.
cmon: I think she is. Although one of those trendy ones you could get at Urban Outfitters/American Apparel/Target.
But then again, she could be wearing an actual keffiyeh because she secretly supports Palestinian rights.
She also has a popped collar. So probably not.
Jim Newell: And thanks to videos like this, no one is sure anymore whether that is entirely a bad thing, really.
Pretty sure this is the type for whom “abstinence”=anal.
BillyClubb: Aw, man. You beat me.
Yeah, it’s a pretty clear unspoken rule that the inalienable rights we all share as humans only really apply to U.S. humans. Oh, Ahmed wants a fair and speedy trial by a jury of his peers? Next time try being born in the U.S. before engaging in jihad, dumbass.
tunamelt: it’s jamie lynn spears, and she’s getting political advice from her baby…her baby that she did not abort and turned out to be an overgrown drunken white trash head cookie.
FMA: so… CNN dropped the headline crawl and replaced it with Twitter updates, and now they’re putting people’s random YouTube videos on their website…? Wha?
All I see/hear/feel is dumbassery. Shit like makes me miss the boobalishousness of Obama Girl.
Why is the McCain sign on her wall reversed? Is she ireporting from inside the looking glass?
See, the point here is that if you are accused of a crime, of, you know, hurting someone, you should, like, get no rights and stuff, because people like her…well not like HER but, you know, anyway, someone was a soldier and stuff…so you see people that hurt other people, or got accused of it should, like you know…not have our rights and stuff. Jeeeeeze!
Relax, kid. I’m one of the guys that served his country, that you were speaking about, and I think it is just fine to give people a trial…Ok? Off you go then! There’s a good lass!
Didn’t we give up enough freedoms under Bush that they no longer hates us?
The communists are now in charge of the United States, so does that mean that we now get the privilege of shouting down people like this with chants of “USA! USA!” like a bunch of sports fans?
“Amanda”: The back of your head pretty much exists to control balance, muscle coordination, digestion, breathing, etc.
Start using the rest of it.
And ferrchrissakes get a space heater.
Cute!
Does she put out, too?
Mr Blifil: Are you telling me that’s not the case?
We have no idea what she just said–she is cute as hell.
Anyone have her number?
Mr Blifil: WIN
Jesus Christ, the civics classes in the Wasilla public schools really need to be overhauled. Listen here, you twit: THEY COMMITTED CRIMES AGAINST AMERICANS AND WILL THEREFORE BE TRIED IN AMERICAN COURTS UNDER THE AMERICAN SYSTEM OF JUSTICE AND IF FOUND GUILTY LOCKED UP FOREVER IN AMERICAN PRISONS. IT BEATS THE HELL OUT OF THE SHARIA LAW THEY’D BE TRIED UNDER IN SOME OF THEIR HOME COUNTRIES. WE DO THAT TO SHOW THAT WE ARE A FAIR AND JUST CIVILIZATION, NOT A BUNCH OF CHURCHGOING OIL-INDUSTRY WHORES WHO THINK WE ARE TASKED WITH FIGHTING THE CRUSADES AGAIN. ALSO.
Sorry for the all caps, the idiocy of this nitwit just really struck a nerve. Fucking nitwit.
masterdebater: ha ha! i’m sure it’s hard for her to speak clearly with a mouth full of TRUCKNUTZ!!
She has two more iReport things if you click through. Basically, she asks Boehner to pay for her college and goes on to demonstrate her desperate need for it.
Give it a year and this girl will be a flaming liberal
I’ve got this horrible prejudice that people with crossed eyed don’t make sense, and this video only reinforced it.
Nice orthodontia. She’d better wear her retainers or the terrorists will rearrange her teeth and that would be tragic.
…ummmmmm, I’m pretty sure that Timothy McVeigh, Ted Kaczynski and Eric Robert Rudolph were all terrorist that killed Americans and we were magically able to prosecute them on American soil. And the fact that they were citizens, that were able to take advantage of all the opportunities this country has to offer makes it even worse. Oops that right I almost forgot, they aren’t brown people are they!
This is the kind of young woman on whom the “we may all be dead tomorrow” argument works well.
Shouldn’t Bristol Palin be watching her baby instead of launching her campaign for 2028?
The video was cutoff at the beginning where she said , “My daddy says that- ” CNN, get a brain morans.
actor212: …of course she does; she is a Republican! Only anal and oral though, because premarital sex is bad!
actor212: she’s really ryan seacrest with a wig auditioning for “cnn idol”. does that sweeten the pot?
She argues:
“I do not believe that the Obama peoples are doing the right thing for our country but I do believe that they are doing the right thing for our country. ‘Kay. Bye.”
If her teachers are reading this….please fail her. Please.
“LADIES AND GENTLEMEN….PLEASE WELCOME…THE NEXT GOVERNOR OF THE GREAT STATE OF ALASKA!!!!”
HuffPo is saying that we attacked Pakistan - can’t all of us muslims just get along?
Rodney Badger: Seriously, she has one about the Geithner pick that is worse than this one in that it reflects a total lack of understanding of what is going on with the pick. At least this iReport is based on a well-formed xenophobia.
Nice to see Miss South Carolina has gotten into a US American university for our education like such as in South Africa, and the Iraq.
Odd Ass City: I believe she was assembled using Oblivion’s character creation tool.
Can you teach me what you want me to say while leaving me with the impression I’m well informed? I somehow missed that lesson and I feel unAmerican and deprived.
WadISay: You win today’s Golden Star.
tunamelt: From a biological standpoint I suppose it’s possible to go nuts with the buttsecks and still leave the hymen intact. It just seems to me that once the girl’s butt cheeks are glazed with jizz, the appellation “virgin” hangs less comfortably on her.
Hey Muffy,
Liberty and justice for all*
*Except icky people
Come here a minute:
Yes, sadly, many of her friends cannot find South Afraqistan on a map. She, however, knows someone who has been there and seen the horrors first hand!
WadISay: But isn’t this the same group that believes: “if we had a terrorist who knew where they were setting off a nuclear bomb, wouldn’t you torture them to find out?” Yet, she clearly says she is not fond of torture and stuff. I don’t know if she’d fall for the “we may all be dead tomorrow” argument, unless you added a lot of “our soldiers are dying for your freedom” and a little bit of “you have no idea what we’re up against.”
Mr Blifil: You win today’s Brown Star!
masterdebater: and since she knows someone who has been there she is not a racist. also.
One time a girl came up to me in a bar with a profound look of determination and said:
“Hey dude (slurring)!! DUDE.
Don’t. Get Dickslapped.”
it was the girl in the video.
Is that POLAR FLEECE with a popped collar? I think that may be the most Republican thing on earth.
Mr Blifil: You sound like a liberal with your activist judging of her virginity.
I was stupid back when I was young, too.
chascates: Finally the Bush administration’s policies make sense, at least within the frame of “they hate us for our freedom(s)”…
Mr Blifil: Everything I learned in high school was wrong.
Please be 18, please be 18.
Don’t be fooled America!!!
The McCain signs on her wall are reversed!! She flipped the images!!! CONSPIRACY!!!!
The whole thing is a fraud! Barack Obama isn’t really even our real President!
KNOW THE TRUTH
So she started iReporting after the Palin pick was announced. Observe this children’s treasury of freeper porn:
http://www.ireport.com/people/kbrown0419
In summa: We have to find out if they are terrorists, because they are.
Why else would they be in Gitmo if they weren’t terrorists, which is exactly where we put people to find out if they like terror. Gitmo. Also.
Noodle Salad: DING, DING, DING! You win the “What’s wrong with this picture” Tickle.com IQ test.
CNN inverted the video to protect her identity. Now her twin sister will get renditioned, Obama style!
What do these words, “if”, and “when” mean? Six of these dudes are living in my “media room” and by that I mean “machine shop”, tooling up for the Great Attack on The Non-Believers, due to commence upon receipt of the high-sign from Agent “44″.
Exactly what rights will the Gitmo detainees get? Right to a fair and speedy trial? Is that her argument?
Does she really believe that they’ll be given guns, book deals and white girls when they land?
Man… what a racist!
If she weighs the same as a duck, she’s made of wood, so a witch!
She’s got a fivehead.
Noodle Salad: In fairness, she’s probably on a Mac and the iSight cameras reverse everything. You’re supposed to fix that in iMovie, but iGuess she forgot.
FUCKING FUCKITY FUCK FUCK!!!!
fucking… our rights are not derived from soldiers!!!
Twat!
Thanks for the policy update, Muffin!
But what does Paris Hilton think of this?
OMGGGGGG DELTA DELTA DELTA!!! sisterssss forevvvverrrrrrrr!!!!!! ♥
Dumb twunt.
Rodney Badger: Man, why’d you put that link up there. I watched the video where she talked about having a brain tumor removed (the grandma dying one), and now I feel bad about picking on her.
Remember Miss South Carolina?
“…and, like, such as, in the Iraq, they, like, such as don’t have maps…”
Thegreatbacon: Yeah, I thought about mentioning that one. You should thank me for helping you to rediscover your capacity to feel shame, and then make a comment about how you like the way her tits bounce when she sobs.
Speaking of the back of her head, if you look directly into her eyes, you can see it.
Bristol Palin/CNN twit in 2024!
SayItWithWookies: Speaking to the back of her head? You just described Friday night with the Kent State Lacrosse team.
Why hasn’t Joe Francis kidnapped this woman? Isn’t that why we let him out of jail even though he’s a terrorist also too?
I think Newell posted this because he wants to touch her terror-trashing tatas. There is no other explanation. I want my 58 seconds back.
InsidiousTuna: “Twunt”! Excellent. Can i haz, for futurz useage?
bitchincamaro: Absolutely.
Guppy06: No, only real Amuricans get to do that. We heathen communist librul muslins have to make do with rioting, drug usage, protest art, shoe-throwing and carving a backwards ‘B’ into people’s faces.
Violenza: Pretty much….except for closeted gay buttsecs with underage pages…
Her teeth are so white — absolutely no sign of fecal stains, which is surprising.
She sounds like the type of girl that will only kiss white guys… Typical.
Worst. Bangbus. Ever.
This Child has Been Left Behind.
I was waiting for the wink and shout outs to the 3rd grade class.
This gal is wearing a terrorist keffiyeh scarf thing and her eyes are rolling around like an insane person. Or maybe it’s my eyes that are rolling around.
Y’know, she kinda looks like Owen Wilson.
But can she field dress a moose?
http://democralypsenow.blogspot.com/
She should have an articulate-off with super-hero/villain “The Orange Beagle”.
PUMA FUBAR
I’d hit it
Shad-up Bristol!
Her next video “Britney’s comin back ya’ll!”
d000ds!? is she wearing a terrorist scarf. shesh. SHE is one to talk.
http://www.charlietueats.com
Well said. Stupid, but nicely phrased. Ramzi Yousef, the terrorismer who tried to blow up the World Trade Center, kill the Pope and do a few other nasty things before 9-11, was captured in Pakistan, brought back to the USA for trial and has been residing for years in the Supermax prison somewhere in Colorado.
She smiled through the whole thing. Creepy.
Rush: I’d like to reprogram the shit out of her…wait, that’s kind of what you said… uh, good one.
Don’t be fooled, she’s a sleeper agent - ostensibly conservative college students don’t huddle in their bunk-hutch-spider hole wearing Yasser Arafat inspired head thingamabobs for scarves, at least not in the Real America. She’s so expelled from Regent’s.
AngryBlakGuy: God damn stop it now. Too much truth. Can you imagine these people on truth serum? Would love to hear some of that. “Those ragheaded a-hole darkies!”
This one really speaks to me.
That wasn’t news. It was a recap of this season’s 24 plotline.
Look, it’s Tracy Flick! Here’s the precocious little twat’s myspace page:
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewProfile&friendID=23351549
She is a believer in evolution, according to her page. However, inspired by Ann Coulter and EliSabeth Hasselbeck. Where is the Third Face of this Eve, pray tell?
cmon: yep…further proof that God has a sense of humor; and it runs toward the ironic…
Maybe the next frat asshole she’ll blow will have seen her I-report and shoot a load up a nostril and cultivate a nice middle ear infection. Then she’ll get the real college experience of waterboarding and will no longer have to send muslim rape narratives to CNN.
I’m just impressed she could take in all that politics nonsense in between episodes of The Hills.
“Who I’d like to meet: a honest, good guy with a future. nothing less, nothing more.”
And someone to teach me how to use indefinite articles. Also.
Rodney Badger: Man, that’s messed up. Scroll down and look how her cleavage is right under her chin.
Hmm, I finally watched this, and she sounds pretty reasonable, and 97% more involved with the NEWS and the POLITICS than most Americans foolishly using CostCo computers, to buy diet pills.
So I will endorse you, girl in this video, and I am sorry about the various tragedies, god knows we’ve all had some of those grim situations, the end.
Ah, excuse me but isn’t she assuming that all those in Gitmo are guilty? Even tho’ they haven’t yet been charged, or tried, or convicted they must be guilty right? Because why else would they be in Gitmo unless they were guilty*. Guilty of something, we just don’t know what. But a few more years in Gitmo should have them confessing, right?
THIS IS WHY WE THINK YOU AMERICANS ARE STUPID AND WE DON’T LIKE YOU ANYMORE.
But now that you’ve voted in Obama we’re willing to forgive. Now that you’re back on the path to sanity we like you again. Except for this dumb-ass woman.
*FYI - people were getting arrested and taken to Gitmo because they’d been turned in by others. Those ‘others’ were turning them in to settle scores and/or GET THE $$$$ THAT THE US WERE OFFERING AS REWARD!! You want terror suspects? Hey, we got some over there, I’ll show you … it’s US dollars, right?
I’m sure we can all agree that ‘inalienable’ is just a rule of thumb.
Pope Cat: Meanwhile, conservative Jesus weeps for her.
She says we will hopefully find a way around giving the Guantanamo detainees rights. Little does she know we’ve already got a way around that—it’s called the Guantanamo Bay prison. Which is what all the fuss is about in the first place.
At least this young law student understands that due process doesn’t apply to those who have been accused of terrorism. An accusation of terrorism is as good as a conviction. Which is why I’m accusing the girl in the video of terrorism. Lock her up now, and hopefully we can find a way around giving her a trial.
It’s amazing. She doesn’t *look* like Hasselbeck or Palin, but somehow when she moves her face she looks like them just in the expressions.
Mmm. She’s gotta purdy mouf.
digibal235: ew, she looks like golem.
What she just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in her rambling, incoherent response was she even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award her no points, and may God have mercy on her soul.
Let this waste of space know that her government-confiscated deflating Ameros will fund Patrick Fitzgerald efforts against these “Super Sixty”. In the meantime, I suggest handing them over to the Maricopa County Sheriff’s Office for detainment.
Napolitano <3s Arpaio 4eva!
dkissam: They are similar in that they all share the ability to appear “cute” while spewing despicable shit. “What I’m saying won’t come across as mean or threatening because I’ve got a shit-eating grin on my face!”
Ken Layne: Not so fast El Duderino - does she not realize she’s going to school on the very same campus where Cheney personally shot several students in 1969?
is this a 7th grade oral report? i seriously don’t get why we are watching this.
cracksammich: Hey! I believe I know the irl. There can’t be more than one cracksammich on the internets. Not surprised to find you here at all.
She’s like a turd dipped in high quality chocolate.
This is the problem with CNN in a nutshell. Jackasses like myself and Highlights up there get a platform.