About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne


Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • Mr Blifil

    IOW, zookeepers got to fuck a panda. Sweet.

  • Darehead

    Perhaps Palins can teach Pandas a thing or two about competent mating.

  • Colander

    Tian Tian is sooo gay.

  • chascates

    Michele Bachmann will complain that this is dabbling in God’s domain.

  • Fly Over Girl

    I hope we have a little Country Crock some time soon!

  • Robobot

    Incompetent sex? Do pandas in America receive abstinence-only education too?

  • Sharif DelMonte

    In Mei Xiang’s defense, Tian Tian is neither a doctor or a Saipan entrepreneur, so maybe she just wanted to fool around and wait to a concieve baby her parents would encourage her to keep.

    This awful stereotype also works with onagers.

  • Barack Like Me, Bitches

    ’bout motherfucking time you guys brought the goddamn Pandas back.

    Ana Marie was on to something with this feature and you guys totally cocksucking missed it.

    No matter.

    There’s gotta be an Ed Norton Fight Club dead Panda joke in here somewhere, but I’m too lit up like a Festivus Pole to think of it right now.

  • shortsshortsshorts

    So what political party is nominated with obsessively fucking pandas? I guess we can nominate the politburo. Sure.

  • hobospacejungle

    At first I read euthanised for anesthetized. What a relief when I realized my mistake. For a moment there I thought those fucking Chinese zoo people are some mean-ass, demanding motherfuckers.

    “If you don’t have competent sex you will be euthanised, pandas, so I suggest you pull your heads out of your asses and start fucking each other already!!”

  • shortsshortsshorts

    [re=221765]hobospacejungle[/re]: You’d think that if you found a species that was appalled with itself to the point it wouldn’t fuck other members of its own species, you’d maybe kinda say “LOST CAUSE” and build 10 dams on top of their habitat. That’s what China did. WHEN WILL WE CATCH ONS?

  • grevillea

    Have we alerted the Confluence? I’m pretty sure this is some kind of date rape.

  • shortsshortsshorts

    Ahem: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hLbsvVBfRfE&feature=related

  • Bruno

    I don’t see what that picture has to do with Pandas fucking. Having never seen a panda porno to know what to look for, I had taken it as a top-down view of one of those beady-eyed aliens sitting on the toilet & can’t see it any other way now

  • shortsshortsshorts

    [re=221777]Bruno[/re]: It’s hawt Panda/Human action is what it is. And it’s hawt. Also.

  • Madeline

    Oddly, this is exactly how the Bush twins were conceived.

  • WindbagCity

    [re=221757]Fly Over Girl[/re]: Aw, shit. I saw the article and thought, “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter”. Not only did you beat me to it, but gave it a better name. But if it’s a girl, name it Margarine.

  • Keram2

    [re=221765]hobospacejungle[/re]: Same mistake over here too. I thought someone took Chuck Palahniuk’s “I wanted to kill every panda that wouldn’t screw to save it’s species” line seriously.

  • WindbagCity


  • Darehead

    [re=221758]Robobot[/re]: No. Q: Do you know the special term for graduates of abstinence-only education?

    A: Parents.

  • Mojopo

    Ok, thanks for horrifing me about dead panda semen before I go to bed. The Ambien hallucinations about this one might require litigation.

    Geez, and all I accomplished tonight was a new Obama poll. About how much you love him. It’s here:

    It has swearing. Plenty. It had to be done.

  • Mojopo

    [re=221788]Darehead[/re]: Even the old “getting my wife’s tubes tied” deal isn’t reliable. Ask my father about me being number six. HA

  • skutre

    Somebody knows how to make a comatose Panda come ?

    Phone number?

  • villageatrois

    So who wants to breed Giant Pumas any way?

    [re=221792]skutre[/re]: “comatose Panda come ?” That be the Rolling Stones. “You (Brown Sugar) make a grown man cry. You make a (comatose panda) come.” But not all that often.

  • TGY

    Everyone’s a critic. Incompetent mating has a long and honorable tradition. Jesus.

  • ManchuCandidate

    Oh come on! They come from a nation of 1.2 BILLION Chinese! Someone over there has got to know how to fuck!

    Besides, they could have done it the REAL US America way. Put the damn bears in the back seat of a Dodge, some Crystal Meth, a couple of joints, a six of Bud and Meatloaf’s “Paradise By the Dashboard Light” playing in the background.

    If it worked for Bristol and Levi then it damn well better work for Tian Tian and Mei Xiang.

  • meyotch

    [re=221792]skutre[/re]: It’s a nice thing called electro-ejaculation. True story. Veterinarians can help you find elektro-ejaculators for all species from ferrets to rhinos. No joke. God-dang demmy-crats.

  • shanemacgowan

    Panda roofies?

  • bitchincamaro

    Panda please. When you party like it’s 1999 for ten years, then totes overdue it at Liz’s soiree, you get a wet noodle and call it a night. It happenzzzzz.

  • Vulpes82

    How romantic! There are Republicans who would pay good money to have panda semen inserted in their “uterus”! Budget deficit solved right there.

  • Dean Booth

    I did that once, and now I have a daughter, a panda-human hybrid. Her name is Amanda.

  • gurukalehuru

    Is incompetent mating a euphemism for buttsecks?

  • bago

    I just got off of the phone with a well known bear lover named Amanda…

  • Monsieur Grumpe

    Panda porn is kind of disappointing.

  • mylesfromnowhere

    [re=221798]meyotch[/re]: An electro-ejaculator probe is inserted into the rectum of a restrained bovine bull. Electrical current is passed from electrodes located on the probe primarily to the nerves controlling erection and ejaculation. As little as possible, current is passed to the nerves registering pain. Electrical stimulation of these nerves results in ejaculation. Voids or pockets in the probe receive any fecal matter which might otherwise insulate the electrodes from the intestine wall.

    Won’t be long before some politico is busted with one at some hotel, mall or airport bathroom.

  • Counting My Toes

    Weird shit happens to you while you are anesthetized. Once they evolve, pandas will have a great tradition upon which to base their religion.

  • actor212

    See, pandas don’t believe in teh buttsecks.

  • actor212

    [re=221796]ManchuCandidate[/re]: They come from a nation of 1.2 BILLION Chinese! Someone over there has got to know how to fuck!

    One guy. His name is Yuan. He’s a busy man.

  • Dr Tobias Funke

    [re=221762]Barack Like Me, Bitches[/re]: “I felt like putting a bullet through the eyes of every panda that wouldn’t screw to save its species” @ 1 minute in


  • LeastExcellent

    I read it as euthenized too, itz sad. Then again, sell some necro-panda fuking with a free pair o’ trucknutz and you got a new U.S. Stimulus package.

  • Czn939

    Maybe this is the pandas’ way of saying: “Hey, we fail @ survival. Just let us die off, kthxbai x_x

  • TGY

    [re=222055]Czn939[/re]: I’ve often thought that, too. I also think of this when I remember human birthrate is declining in most western countries.


    “Because competent mating did not occur,’ the zoo statement said, veterinarians anesthetized both pandas on Saturday, collected semen from Tian Tian and inserted it into Mei Xiang’s uterus.”

    Sounds like my honeymoon!

  • Captain Swing

    Spare a thought for our poor pooped panda Tian Tian. I mean, trying to create a mood while a bunch of impatient zookeeper types in khaki shirts stood around gawking, pointedly looking at their watches and making crass comparisons with the baboon colony next door- How do you think you’d fare?