BUTTERSTICK  1:07 am January 19, 2009

by Ken Layne

Fuckbag, without the fucking.THAT’S NOT CHANGE WE CAN BELIEVE IN: “‘Because competent mating did not occur,’ the zoo statement said, veterinarians anesthetized both pandas on Saturday, collected semen from Tian Tian and inserted it into Mei Xiang’s uterus.” [Washington Post]

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Mr Blifil January 19, 2009 at 1:12 am

IOW, zookeepers got to fuck a panda. Sweet.

Darehead January 19, 2009 at 1:19 am

Perhaps Palins can teach Pandas a thing or two about competent mating.

Colander January 19, 2009 at 1:21 am

Tian Tian is sooo gay.

chascates January 19, 2009 at 1:25 am

Michele Bachmann will complain that this is dabbling in God’s domain.

Fly Over Girl January 19, 2009 at 1:30 am

I hope we have a little Country Crock some time soon!

Robobot January 19, 2009 at 1:34 am

Incompetent sex? Do pandas in America receive abstinence-only education too?

Sharif DelMonte January 19, 2009 at 1:45 am

In Mei Xiang’s defense, Tian Tian is neither a doctor or a Saipan entrepreneur, so maybe she just wanted to fool around and wait to a concieve baby her parents would encourage her to keep.

This awful stereotype also works with onagers.

Barack Like Me, Bitches January 19, 2009 at 1:55 am

’bout motherfucking time you guys brought the goddamn Pandas back.

Ana Marie was on to something with this feature and you guys totally cocksucking missed it.

No matter.

There’s gotta be an Ed Norton Fight Club dead Panda joke in here somewhere, but I’m too lit up like a Festivus Pole to think of it right now.

shortsshortsshorts January 19, 2009 at 2:13 am

So what political party is nominated with obsessively fucking pandas? I guess we can nominate the politburo. Sure.

hobospacejungle January 19, 2009 at 2:15 am

At first I read euthanised for anesthetized. What a relief when I realized my mistake. For a moment there I thought those fucking Chinese zoo people are some mean-ass, demanding motherfuckers.

“If you don’t have competent sex you will be euthanised, pandas, so I suggest you pull your heads out of your asses and start fucking each other already!!”

shortsshortsshorts January 19, 2009 at 2:26 am

[re=221765]hobospacejungle[/re]: You’d think that if you found a species that was appalled with itself to the point it wouldn’t fuck other members of its own species, you’d maybe kinda say “LOST CAUSE” and build 10 dams on top of their habitat. That’s what China did. WHEN WILL WE CATCH ONS?

grevillea January 19, 2009 at 2:44 am

Have we alerted the Confluence? I’m pretty sure this is some kind of date rape.

shortsshortsshorts January 19, 2009 at 2:49 am

Ahem: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hLbsvVBfRfE&feature=related

Bruno January 19, 2009 at 2:52 am

I don’t see what that picture has to do with Pandas fucking. Having never seen a panda porno to know what to look for, I had taken it as a top-down view of one of those beady-eyed aliens sitting on the toilet & can’t see it any other way now

shortsshortsshorts January 19, 2009 at 3:01 am

[re=221777]Bruno[/re]: It’s hawt Panda/Human action is what it is. And it’s hawt. Also.

Madeline January 19, 2009 at 3:02 am

Oddly, this is exactly how the Bush twins were conceived.

WindbagCity January 19, 2009 at 3:14 am

[re=221757]Fly Over Girl[/re]: Aw, shit. I saw the article and thought, “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter”. Not only did you beat me to it, but gave it a better name. But if it’s a girl, name it Margarine.

Keram2 January 19, 2009 at 3:24 am

[re=221765]hobospacejungle[/re]: Same mistake over here too. I thought someone took Chuck Palahniuk’s “I wanted to kill every panda that wouldn’t screw to save it’s species” line seriously.

WindbagCity January 19, 2009 at 3:24 am


Darehead January 19, 2009 at 4:08 am

[re=221758]Robobot[/re]: No. Q: Do you know the special term for graduates of abstinence-only education?

A: Parents.

Mojopo January 19, 2009 at 5:01 am

Ok, thanks for horrifing me about dead panda semen before I go to bed. The Ambien hallucinations about this one might require litigation.

Geez, and all I accomplished tonight was a new Obama poll. About how much you love him. It’s here:

It has swearing. Plenty. It had to be done.

Mojopo January 19, 2009 at 5:04 am

[re=221788]Darehead[/re]: Even the old “getting my wife’s tubes tied” deal isn’t reliable. Ask my father about me being number six. HA

skutre January 19, 2009 at 5:34 am

Somebody knows how to make a comatose Panda come ?

Phone number?

villageatrois January 19, 2009 at 6:52 am

So who wants to breed Giant Pumas any way?

[re=221792]skutre[/re]: “comatose Panda come ?” That be the Rolling Stones. “You (Brown Sugar) make a grown man cry. You make a (comatose panda) come.” But not all that often.

TGY January 19, 2009 at 7:12 am

Everyone’s a critic. Incompetent mating has a long and honorable tradition. Jesus.

ManchuCandidate January 19, 2009 at 7:37 am

Oh come on! They come from a nation of 1.2 BILLION Chinese! Someone over there has got to know how to fuck!

Besides, they could have done it the REAL US America way. Put the damn bears in the back seat of a Dodge, some Crystal Meth, a couple of joints, a six of Bud and Meatloaf’s “Paradise By the Dashboard Light” playing in the background.

If it worked for Bristol and Levi then it damn well better work for Tian Tian and Mei Xiang.

meyotch January 19, 2009 at 7:47 am

[re=221792]skutre[/re]: It’s a nice thing called electro-ejaculation. True story. Veterinarians can help you find elektro-ejaculators for all species from ferrets to rhinos. No joke. God-dang demmy-crats.

shanemacgowan January 19, 2009 at 7:49 am

Panda roofies?

bitchincamaro January 19, 2009 at 8:12 am

Panda please. When you party like it’s 1999 for ten years, then totes overdue it at Liz’s soiree, you get a wet noodle and call it a night. It happenzzzzz.

Vulpes82 January 19, 2009 at 8:20 am

How romantic! There are Republicans who would pay good money to have panda semen inserted in their “uterus”! Budget deficit solved right there.

Dean Booth January 19, 2009 at 8:20 am

I did that once, and now I have a daughter, a panda-human hybrid. Her name is Amanda.

gurukalehuru January 19, 2009 at 8:30 am

Is incompetent mating a euphemism for buttsecks?

bago January 19, 2009 at 8:51 am

I just got off of the phone with a well known bear lover named Amanda…

Monsieur Grumpe January 19, 2009 at 9:09 am

Panda porn is kind of disappointing.

mylesfromnowhere January 19, 2009 at 9:10 am

[re=221798]meyotch[/re]: An electro-ejaculator probe is inserted into the rectum of a restrained bovine bull. Electrical current is passed from electrodes located on the probe primarily to the nerves controlling erection and ejaculation. As little as possible, current is passed to the nerves registering pain. Electrical stimulation of these nerves results in ejaculation. Voids or pockets in the probe receive any fecal matter which might otherwise insulate the electrodes from the intestine wall.

Won’t be long before some politico is busted with one at some hotel, mall or airport bathroom.

Counting My Toes January 19, 2009 at 9:30 am

Weird shit happens to you while you are anesthetized. Once they evolve, pandas will have a great tradition upon which to base their religion.

actor212 January 19, 2009 at 10:07 am

See, pandas don’t believe in teh buttsecks.

actor212 January 19, 2009 at 10:08 am

[re=221796]ManchuCandidate[/re]: They come from a nation of 1.2 BILLION Chinese! Someone over there has got to know how to fuck!

One guy. His name is Yuan. He’s a busy man.

Dr Tobias Funke January 19, 2009 at 10:21 am

[re=221762]Barack Like Me, Bitches[/re]: “I felt like putting a bullet through the eyes of every panda that wouldn’t screw to save its species” @ 1 minute in


LeastExcellent January 19, 2009 at 12:37 pm

I read it as euthenized too, itz sad. Then again, sell some necro-panda fuking with a free pair o’ trucknutz and you got a new U.S. Stimulus package.

Czn939 January 19, 2009 at 2:23 pm

Maybe this is the pandas’ way of saying: “Hey, we fail @ survival. Just let us die off, kthxbai x_x

TGY January 19, 2009 at 3:17 pm

[re=222055]Czn939[/re]: I’ve often thought that, too. I also think of this when I remember human birthrate is declining in most western countries.

NYNYNY January 19, 2009 at 3:32 pm

“Because competent mating did not occur,’ the zoo statement said, veterinarians anesthetized both pandas on Saturday, collected semen from Tian Tian and inserted it into Mei Xiang’s uterus.”

Sounds like my honeymoon!

Captain Swing January 20, 2009 at 7:34 am

Spare a thought for our poor pooped panda Tian Tian. I mean, trying to create a mood while a bunch of impatient zookeeper types in khaki shirts stood around gawking, pointedly looking at their watches and making crass comparisons with the baboon colony next door- How do you think you’d fare?

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