Wonkette
Congratulations, the War on Xmas is over. And guess who lost? Christmas! And the economy. Especially the economy. Looks like all the 70%-off sales in the world can’t squeeze money out of people with no money and no credit. It’s almost as if Santa left a lump of shit coal for U.S. Retailers! How many other variations of Seasonal Cliche can we squeeze out of American journalists and economists?
- “Retailers went from ‘Ho-ho’ to ‘Uh-oh’ to ‘Oh-no.’” [Wall Street Journal]
- “Big shopping weekend was ho-ho-hum.” [Associated Press]
- “However, it’s a red Christmas for retailers — as in red ink.” [1010WINS]
- “Ho-ho-hum weekend for struggling city retailers.” [New York Daily News]
- “Data will contain nothing but coal this week.” [Marketwatch]
- “A lump of coal for the holiday sales elf.” [AP]
- “Santa swung a lighter sack this Christmas as shoppers bought less and paid less.” [Vancouver Province]
Santa has a sack? I thought he was a transsexual.
How about this one? “Grinch steals Christmas as world ends.”
Santa and his hos stayed him this Christmas, also.
…not even a Ho for Eliot Spitzer this month.
All this talk about Santa sacks reminds me of my favorite Xmas joke as an 8 year old.
Why did Santa end up in the hospital?
Because he threw the wrong sack over his shoulder…
Silence…
Get it? Hey, why is everyone throwing garbage?
I am waiting for my trillion dollar stimulus check before I go christmas shopping.
Yeah, Christmas lost because the only thing Christmas is about is about buying overpriced crap to give to people that you can barely tolerate. Next on the list, carpet bombing St. Valentine’s Day.
He’s a Red.
His obese.
His a monopolist.
He’s a foreigner.
His hair is too long.
He keeps talking about ho’s.
He fired his elves and tried to get reindeer to do their work.
Tell me, what are this guy’s good qualities?
I liked the blank quote best. It pretty much says it all.
Leave it to the reporters at the AP to take our torture to the next level.
It’s 8 AM in California and I think I may head over to JCPenney to check out the Doorbusters!™ But I’m only going to peruse the Ladies Knit Casuals™ and Sweaters for Him™ to help Uncle Santa Baby Jesus and the Economy and such because God Bless America. (The deals end at 1PM so find a babysitter and head on down!!1!)
“It’s going to be a White Christmas for America’s retailers, and by “white” me mean that they will be flying the epic defeatist white flag of defeat”
…I got everyone on my Christmas list those little $0.99 bottles of vodka they sell at the liquor store!
NoWireHangers: …trust me, as the desperation sets in they will soon have “doorbusters” everyday from now until summer!
The geniuses at CNN have joined in: “Grinchy holiday at the mall”
Ah, the death of the English language…
Is it just my computer….I don’t have alt text, only a box…with text in it….
Should there be a picture of a card from a lady of the evening? Furries? SOMETHING?
Enough with the “Children’s Treasury” thing. There ain’t no treasury no mo’ and chil’un ain’t got no nothin’ that even looks like a treasury; just ask Paulson.
Is “s*** coal” some new form of renewable energy?
What about zinc bushing manufacturers? How’s their business doing? Did they have a good year? Isn’t that newsworthy too?
ivenson: Same thing here w/Firefox’n'WinXP
I was hoping for: “Retailers got raped this year worse than a Forever 21 cash register girl by a Mall Santa.”
How about, “Christmas sales sucked more than Larry Craig during a three-hour layover at Atlanta.”
things were so bad, I had to hock my trucknutz
Tom Waits ass would go nicely into the box.
Scottie: Yup. Just hold you bowel movements in until they become rock-hard. Throw resulting log into yule fire for instant warmth. For extra X-mas cheer, hold said log inside long enough and a diamond shall result. Give said diamond to wife, lover, etc. Joyous sex shall follow.
ivenson: Something seems a little off kilt with this post.
I don’t know what you guys are talking about. I got a great haul this year - knew iPod, DVDs, art supplies….
What did I buy for people? Oh….
Only two lumps of coal in Santa’s sack this year?
Next year will be a red Christmas, too… as in Red Chinese, who will own us by then.
NoWireHangers: Isn’t it now called the “Trample Our Hapless, Underpaid Employees to Death Sale!”?
Kev-O-Tron: And I got my single malt scotch. Just the Glenlivet 12 year old, which I take as a downward trending economic indicator (compared to the Lagavulin I got last time) but still, a tradition is a tradition…
(I also got those Air Hogs™ R/C helicopters, which are a gas.)
Just when I was despairing that there was no more creativity in journalism, Wonkette mines these gems! “red Christmas for retailers — as in red INK!”
The ink on retailer’s legers is as red as…
Larry Craigs butt after getting locked in a men’s room with Ted Haggard.
David Vitter’s crotch after his hooker forgets the talcum power.
gjdodger: That’s a lot of sucking.
The Headline at Drudge:
EVIL SANTA KILLS 8; BURNS HOUSE.
Lascauxcaveman: Those little helicopters are a gas. I was playing with one all night too! How the hell’s the weather out there? I’m fucking sick of this shit. Seattle and Kitsap are still a mess.
RE: the economy
I’ve been spending my money as fast as I can make it but apparently GDP isn’t effected by the hooker and marijuana industries. Well…I tried.
Kev-O-Tron: Eh, our usual P.A.-> Gig Harbor-> Lake Crescent-> P.A. Xmas commute was easy and uneventful, as the highways are fine. Still can’t get down the driveway to my cave up in the foothills, but it’s a great toboggan run for the kids and me, so - lemonade!
NoWireHangers: Doorbusters? More like TempCrushers.
(Though Cape Clod got there first.)
What did you expect? The handful of remaining employed journalists are phoning it in at this point, just waiting for their lump of coal/pink slip.
The national holiday mood is not unlike Dan Aykroyd in ‘Trading Places’, particularly when he’s dressed as Santa, plastered, and eating that whole smoked salmon that gets entangled in his beard.
I could write a book about the sorry state of retail. In fact, I have two chapters already done: Chapter 7 and Chapter 11.
Look at it this way: our side is winning.
Christmas will soon be small enough to drown in a bathtub!
Half of those journalists will be out of work by this time next year as will 3/4 of the economists. They’re so overqualified for that dead-end temp job I’ll be applying for I’m a cinch to get it.
amazon had record sales. go figure.
This is dated, but very applicable:
http://jameshowardkunstler.typepad.com/clusterfuck_nation/2007/06/peak-suburbia.html
Santa is just another word for credit. Jesus is just another word for nothing left to lose.
Sorry Janice: I am stealing your words and your Southern Comfort.
A confession: I took my daughters to a soup kitchen so they could learn the true meaning of Christmas. They knew I was broke. Dad, they said, we ignore bums every year but this one. Well girls, I said, maybe if we help today then someone might help us when we are on the streets.
And that’s when I realized that Bush destroyed Christmas in order to save it.
God bless us, every one.
Here’s a fun game to play. Go to your local mall every three or four days and try to guess which store will have gone out of business since the last time you were there. I asked Santa for a job, and he left an employment application for McDonald’s under my tree.
Zipperupus: Those words were written by Kris Kristofferson, Janis just croaked them.
“Old man caught with 9-year-old and sack full of toys at mall, film at 11″
This being a holy time of year, I for one would like to find a Christ-centered analogy. How about, “Christmas sales deader than all the innocents massacred by King Herod”?
The blood banks are still open. A liter of plasma will get you a glass of orange juice and a 20 bucks before you pass out. Thus, as Milton Friedman might say, we live in a hobo economy which thrives.
If we’re not cannibalizing each other soon for want of nurishment, the media is really gonna look stupid.
WadISay: Or, “Wise men bring fewer gifts this holiday season.”